from ABC-TV's "Fridays"
transcript by Anna Nimity

WARNING:  I was working from an audiotape, not a videotape, when I wrote this,
so I had to remember the visual part as well as I could.  There are a couple
of missing words along the way, and I probably garbled a line here and there.
If you can do better, go ahead...

Cast Includes...
John Roarke as Ronald Reagan (Frank)
Melanie Chartoff as Janet / Lips
Michael Richards as Brad Minor
Darrow Igus as black militant (Rocky)
George Bush impresonator (Riff)
Richard Nixon impersonator (Eddie)
Standard Columbia, Magenta, and Criminologist
A bunch of old rich people (Transylvanians)


     --{Song: "Politicians / Double Dealers"}--

LIPS:  Jimmy Carter felt ill
     When his campaign stood still
     And in panic tried to explain
     But the voters didn't care
     They had had it up to there
     Besides they needed someone to blame
     Then a new voice came along
     Said the liberals had been wrong
     What we need is a leader with verve
     Then on election night
     You told them they were right
     Now you got what you deserve
     Like those...
     Politicians -- double dealers
     Special interests -- faithless healers
     See young men fighting -- worker layoffs
     Slush-fund scandals -- corporate payoffs
     Woah oh oh oh
     It's the '80s -- Ronnie Reagan -- Horror Show


     [Thunder and lightning; Brad and Janet are standing on the porch in the
pouring rain!]

JANET:  Oh!.... Oh, Brad!  I'm frightened!

BRAD:  Relax, Janet.  They probably have a phone.

JANET:  Oh, Brad, this place looks evil.  I feel sinister forces at work!

BRAD:  Janet, you're getting paranoid.  You shouldn't have smoked that joint!

     [Huge roar from the audience!]

BRAD:  They're probably justa buncha ole hippies.

     [Knock, knock, knock.  Door creaks open.  George Bush as Riff answers.]

BRAD:  Hi, I'm Brad Minor... Uh, this is my old lady, Janet... Uh, we were on
our way to an anti-nuke rally when our car broke down.  I wondered if you had
a phone we could use.

GEORGE:  Come in.  You're just in time.  We're having a little rally of our

BRAD:  Sounds great.   (to Janet)  See?  I... I told you they were cool.   And
you were worried!  (chuckles)


CRIMINOLOGIST:  I would like... if I may... to tell you a most unusual tale.
The dark clouds of political change hung heavy on the horizon as Brad and
Janet -- two bright, average, liberal- minded kids made their way one Friday
night to an anti-nuke rally -- unaware of the bizarre events about to befall


     [Brad and Janet are inside the house now.  Instead of Transylvanians,
though, there are a bunch of old, white rich people in the ballroom.]

JANET:  Oh, Brad, I'm frightened!

BRAD:  Janet...

JANET:  Brad, I'm really scared!

BRAD:  Janet, let me handle this.  Don't worry...  Hey, you call this a rally?
Where's the wine, the cheese?  Where's Jackson Browne?

     [Everyone laughs.]

GEORGE:  I'm afraid you won't be attending your precious little rally this
evening.  There's been enough money wasted on worthless social programs.  Your
kind *had* your chance.  And what did that get us?  Rising inflation, killers
on probation, sexual tit-i-la-tion.

BRAD:  Maybe he's right.  Maybe it *was* our fault.

JANET:  But we *meant* well!

BRAD:  Hmmm...

JANET:  What went wrong?

     --{Song: "Let's Fight the Big One"}--

MAGENTA:  It's been a nation -- under sedation

GEORGE:  And liberals -- have run the show!

MAGENTA:  But things are changing!
     Maybe not for the better!

GEORGE:  We -- have seized -- control!!
     I remember -- fighting the big one
     Killing -- those Japanese
     And the allies invading
     And the Nazis parading

ALL:  Let's fight the big one again
     Let's fight the big one again

CRIMINOLOGIST:  You seek direction

ALL:  And so you turn to the right

CRIMINOLOGIST:  Get your hands on a gun

ALL:  And close your mind up tight
     It's a simple answer
     That even you can understand
     Let's fight the big one again
     Let's fight the big one again

MAGENTA:  It's so good for the wealthy.
     Who can afford to stay healthy
     And the underpriveleged -- you won't see at all
     With just a bit of a tax cut
     And the end of a -- [firm butt???]
     Oh, everyone opposed to us will fall

GEORGE:  We don't actually know them

COLUMBIA:  We just want to control them -- oooh!

ALL:  Let's fight the big one again
     Let's fight the big one again


BRAD:  I can relate!  I don't agree with you, but I *can* relate!

JANET:  Oh, Brad!  Don't you see what these people are doing?  These people...

BRAD:  Janet, relax!  This a great chance to have an intelligent conversation
with these right wingers!

     [Music starts in background.]

JANET:  Brad, please, let's get out of here.

BRAD:  Dammit, Janet!  Now let's keep our minds open!  After all, these people
*do* have a lot of power.

     [Ronald Reagan makes his entrance in Frank-N-Furter cape!  Janet

     --{Song: "Arch Conservative"}---

RONNIE:  How do you do?
     I see you've met...
     My faithful -- Vice President
     I'm sure he would deny
     But I know he'd like to be
     The White House -- resident
     Don't be put off
     By what you've heard
     I'm not a power-mad glutton
     You should just feel relieved
     That the world is safe
     Don't forget who pushes -- the button

     [Ronnie takes off the cape -- showing off the lingiere underneath.
Everyone goes nuts over this!]

RONNIE:  I'm just an arch-conservative,
     Anti-intellectual  -- chief executive
     From Cal-i-for-ni-a, ah ha ha
     Let me tell you the score
     I think liberals are a bore
     All they do is sit and complain
     I'm a man of action
     I've alligned with any faction
     How do you think I won -- the campaign?
     I'm just an arch-conservative
     Anti-intellectual -- chief executive
     From Cal-i-for-ni-a, ah ha ha
     So try it our way

ALL:  Way!

RONNIE:  It's not as bad as they say

ALL:  Say!

RONNIE:  Well, I think our party may just suit you
      I've been, um, making a man

ALL:  Oooh!

RONNIE:  A Re-pub-li-can

ALL:  Ahhh!

RONNIE:  My hopes for America's future
     I'm just an arch-conservative
     Anti-intellectual -- chief executive
     From Cal-i-for-ni-a, ah ha ha


BRAD: (to Ronnie)  Hi, I'm Brad Minor!  Uh, this is my old lady, Janet!

RONNIE:  Enchante'!

GEORGE:  Their car broke down on the way to an anti-nuke rally.

     [The Trannies all go, "Awwwww...."]

RONNIE:  How... unfortunate!  Um, uh... You'll, um... you'll have to stay the
night.  Uh, of course... you're married...?

JANET:  Well, no.

BRAD:  Oh, we don't believe a relationship is made or broken by just a little
piece of paper.

RONNIE:  Oh, how... how *liberated* you are  How, um... *bohemian*!  (giggles)
Of course, you're, uh... you're probably no strangers to.. to group sex.

BRAD:  Hey, we don't have to stand here and listen to that!

JANET:  Brad, please!

RONNIE:  No!  It excites me!  Brad... how... how tactless you are!  How... how
hostile!  How... (giggles suggestively)  How misinformed!  My administration
could... *use* a man like you!

     [Everyone laughs at this!  There's some whooping and hollering, too.]

BRAD:  Oh, you're wasting your time.  We've heard that song-and-dance before!

RONNIE:  Pity!  That's what's wrong with this country!  Everyone's so...
cynical!  Why can't the American people just *trust* their leaders?

[To answer that question, Richard Nixon makes Eddie-like entrance on a
motorcycle.  General chaos ensues!]

     --{Song:  "Holey Moley"}--

NIXON:  Whatever happened to Watergate?
     That bungled break-in on that fateful date
     And who can forget that 18-minute gap
     When they played the tape, and I played the sap
     I used to laugh with the CIA
     Plotting covert actions [earning shirts that way???]
     And I can still remember the look on my face
     When I realized what I forgot to erase

ALL:  Holy moley!  What a fate!
     He was ruined by Watergate
     Holy moley!  What a fate!
     He was ruined by Watergate

NIXON:  I used to brag about my victories
     I was really something when I went overseas
     I ended the war, and that ain't all
     I helped inflation rise and Chile fall

ALL:  Holy moley!  What a fate!
     He was ruined by Watergate
     Holy moley!  What a fate!
     He was ruined by Watergate

     [Great applause and whistling!]

RONNIE:  Dickie, how nice of you to crash the party!

NIXON:  Do you think I'd miss this bash just because you didn't invite me?

GEORGE:  Mister President...

RONNIE:  (to Nixon)  Not you!

GEORGE:  We're ready... whenever you are!

RONNIE:  (makes a speech)  My friends, tonight I unveil my grand plan for
America's future!   After years of experimentation, I have finally done it!  I
have created the ultimate conservative!!!

     [The "ultimate conservative" is revealed to be a black militant, like a
member of the Black Panthers.  Hoots and hollers all around.  Somebody shouts,
"Bravo!  Bravo!"]

RONNIE:  Isn't he beautiful?

     [Agreement all around.]

RONNIE:  And *we* created him!  We gave him life!!  He's a reflection of
everything we want this country to be!

MILITANT:  (angrily)  The poor and oppressed people of this country must
continue their heroic struggle of liberation against the racist, facist dogma
and white lies, perpetrated by the priveleged pro.. protagonists of the
imperialist power structure!  And I'm talkin' to YOU, Grandma!!!

RONNIE: (shocked)  There must be some mistake!  Thi.. this can't be *my*
creation!  I could never...

JANET:  Well, that's where you're wrong, Mr. President.  He *is* your
creation, borne of your narrow-minded, moralistic viewpoints!

BRAD:  Janet!

RONNIE:  But... but how did that *happen*?  I...

     --{Song: "Let's Fight the System"}--

GEORGE:  It's regretful...
     You were forgetful!
     But the revolution -- has never --- died!

MAGENTA:  You can suppress it!

JANET:  But not destroy it!

NIXON:  Take it from me
     You know -- I tried!

JANET:  Well, I remember...
     Joining the movement

BRAD:  Protest was easy -- back then

JANET:  And the students were marching

BRAD:  And the country was watching

ALL:  Let's fight the system again!
     Let's fight the system again!

RONNIE:  I'll call out the guards!

ALL:  But that won't make us unite

RONNIE:  Well, I'll just, I'll wage.. I'll wage a war!

ALL:  And we''ll refuse to fight!
     It's the instant karma -- that's gonna get you in the end
     Let's fight the system again!
     Let's fight the system again!
     Let's fight the system again!

     [Applause, cheering... A standing ovation!!!]

            --{ T H E    E N D }--

NOTE:  "Fridays" was a late-night comedy variety show that ran from 1980 to
1982.   Essentially, this was ABC's unsucessful attmempt to create its own
version of NBC's "Saturday Night Live."  Although "Fridays" was a flop, they
did manage to pull off a few good movie parodies, such as this elaborate 17-
minute send-up of "RHPS."  By the way, the cast includes Michael Richards as
Brad.  Michael's now famous as Cosmo Kramer on "Seinfeld."  Melanie Chartoff,
who plays Janet, went on to HBO's "Not Necessarily the News" and the Fox
sitcom "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" (she was Ms. Musso.)  Melanie now provides
the voice of Tommy's mother on Nickelodeon's "Rugrats" and is a frequent guest
star on episodic television (sitcoms, that is).