Highlights from The Rocky Horror Muppet Show
by Thomas Smith
transcribed by Ruth J. Fink-Winter - wfink@iastate.edu 

I found my audiotape of the Rocky Horror Muppet Show, copied for me by someone on this group [a.c-m.r-h] back in 1990. It is a tape of a skit put on at a sci-fi convention in 1990 and was written by Thomas Smith. I tried to transcribe it, but it took a very long time, (I quit after a couple of hours--this is long) and parts of it weren't that funny. There were also a lot of references only sci-fi fans would get. I couldn't always understand what was said, and it was hard to tell all the voices apart; only Kermit and Link were truly distinctive. Mostly, I'm just lazy.

       Guest star is Mikhail Gorbachev(!), who is upset because he thought he was
         doing the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show. 
       Frank-n-Frogger, played by Kermit. 
       Janet Wide, played by Miss Piggy. 
       Brad Lieutenants, played by Scooter. 
       Raff-Riff, played by Gonzo. 
       Chartreuse, played by Annie Sue (Piggy's understudy). 
       Nicaragua, played by Janice (from the band). 
       Criminologist, played by Sam the Eagle. 
       Teddy, played by Fozzie Bear. 
       Dr. Everready Von Schlock, played by Dr. Strangepork. 
       Porky Horror, played by Link Hogthrob. 
       The audience, played by Statler and Waldorf. ("Hey Sam! Is it true that you 
         keep nude pictures of Madonna in that book?" "It's true...") 

Kermit explaining why they did this show: after putting on the Great Muppet Caper, "in a last-ditch effort to regain our fortunes, credibility, and (???) we have decided to explore one of the few areas of creative expression we have not yet

Someone else: "All right! Who got Cheez Whiz on the iron maiden?!"


Animal eats the music. All of the songs except "Rose Tint My World" are sung to other tunes. Rowlf and Lew Zealand provide the music (with his amazing movie-soundtrack-imitating fish!) They couldn't afford any props, of course. 

Songs: Dammit, Janet--tune of Alice's Restaurant (surprisingly, this sort of works!) There's a Light--tune of "Singin' in the Rain" 

Scooter (as Brad): "What luck! A huge ornate gothic castle way out here in the middle of Ohio! Maybe they'll have a phone we can use. 

Piggy (as Janet): "Ri-ight." 

Song: Time Warp--tune of "Yellow Rose of Texas" (this also actually works--very scary.) Sweet T--tune of Simon and Garfunkel's "Feeling Groovy" (Rowlf claims this is from "Reader's Digest Presents the Greatest Hits of Rock and Roll") 

Piggy: "Couldn't we afford an elevator, either?" 

[Twilight Zone theme] 

Gonzo (as Riff): "You are about to enter an elevator.  Not of sight and sound, but of mind. An elevator of imagination, so ingeniously designed that, without us even leaving this spot on the stage, it gets us where we want to go." 

Songs: Sword of Damocles--tune of "Do Run Run Run" I Can Make You A Man--tune of "American Pie" (no kidding!) "Hot Patootie"--tune of Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" (I wish I *was* kidding) Wedding march as Frank and Porky approach Frank's bedroom...played on kazoos. 

At this point after some abuse by Statler and Waldorf, Sam quits as Crim and storms off the stage, threatening retribution. 

Bedroom Scenes: Kermit manages to have a pressing errand and tells Scooter he will have to play Frank seducing Janet (Piggy). Piggy is understandalby incensed. 

Annie Sue (as Magenta) and Gonzo (as Riff) don't threaten Porky (played by Link) with fire, but with something else: 

Gonzo (as Riff): Now there's just one problem. Annie Sue (as Magenta): What's that? Gonzo: How to torture someone with no brain...Porky Horror! How would you like a nice, quiet--game of Trivial Pursuit!! 

Link(as Rocky): NOOOOOOOO! 

Annie Sue: Elbow Sex? 

Gonzo: Sorry, naah. 

[theme from Walk Like an Egyptian for Elbow Sex] 

Statler: How are you at Trivial Pursuit? 

Waldorf: Pretty good. I've been here waiting to be entertained for years. 

Janice and Annie Sue (disguised as Piggy) ambush Scooter for the Brad and Frank bedroom scene (they liked what they saw when they took off his clothes). Piggy isn't thrilled about having to feel up Porky Horror, played by Link Hogthrob, who has the hots for Piggy. 

Piggy:...Kermit? I need to talk to you--no joke!...do I have to ake-may out-ay with the oron-may? (she threatens to walk out unless Kermit lets her have her way with him after the show) 

Kermit: ...this scene calls for some serious messing around and you're not the only one who has to do something distasteful for the sake of the show. 

Song: Toucha-toucha--to tune of "Eye of the Tiger"--doesn't work at all. 

Piggy karate chops Link out of existence. 

Kermit: Anybody would like to buy a slightyl used Muppet theater, please, you are welcome to it. Oh, I give up. I just give up.

Mikhail Gorbachev (as guest star): Hey Kermit. What is--is anything wrong? 

Kermit: Wrong? Oh no. Everything--no. It's nothing. 

Mikhail: Nothing? 

Kermit: Everything. This is a ridiculous story. We can't afford a single prop. Animal keeps eating things. Fozzie keeps making puns. Sma's vanished. Everyone's too busy fooling around with everybody else to stick to the script. We haven't got the time or money to do what's left of the script and after the filk [an sf term--Cosmic] Piggy's finally got me where she wants me. 

[long Russian folksong, in both Russian and English, about Afghanistan, deleted. I wish to heavens I was kidding.] 

The Muppets at this point summarize Dr. Scott's entry, dinner, and turning everyone to stone. 

Kermit: The point is all of this above is to get us to *one* scene-- 

Cast: The Floor Show. 

Kermit: Scooter, double-check that.

Scooter: Dr. Schlock. Magnet. Dinner. Sleeping around. Nicaragua. Floor Show. 

Rowlf finally finds the sheet music to the Rocky Horror Show. Cast cheers. 

[Floor Show deleted--it wasn't that funny and was mostly just the original Floor Show Gorbachev has to fill in for Porky: "This skit's several hours old. This Muppet Show is uncontrolled. Now the only thing I'm going to do--is kill the frog and moose and squirrel when this is through"] 

Dr. Strangepork (as Dr. Scott): We've got to get out of this trap--before this silliness wrecks our careers. 

Sam comes in, breaking up the Floor Show and waving a .45. 

Sam: [stuff deleted]...A frog in fishnets doing Judy Garland impressions is
going too far! 

Kermit: It's not easy being a queen. 

[At this point Sam is escorted out of the convention by security for having a
firearm on the con site. Long song about how it sucks working security at a con. The cast and the audience are kicked out of the room because they were supposed to finish the skit 24 minutes earlier. Fin.]