THE SHLOCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW

                      from Cracked magazine - Spring '95

          transcribed without permission by Jason Alan "P7A77" Pfaff



  First off, I'd like to say that I don't think this is particularly funny in
the slightest.  At least the artwork is *somewhat* decent.  Ah, well... it's
Rocky... so I gotta type it.  :)


The following is to be read ony at midnight, preferably in the dark.  Make
sure you have rice, a water pistol, an umbrella, and you're dressed in the
proper costume.  All set?  Fasten your TIME WARP BELT; here we go with the
Cracked version of... The Shlocky Horror Picture Show

[ First page - the interior of a movie theatre.  A wide variety of people
 wearing your standard RHPS lingerie getup.  People are running around,
 throwing things, etc.  A very large gorilla is in the background.]

BULLWINKLE (dressed in lingerie):  Gimme an R, gimme an O, gimme a C...

ROCKY THE FLYING SQUIRREL:  Hey, Bullwinkle, yo're in the wrong Rocky show!

B:  I wondered why they were throwin' stuff at me.

RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER (hanging from the ceiling):  I've seen this movie over
 a thousand times and still don't understand it.

RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER:  Do you come here often?

RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER:  Every Saturday night for the past thriteen years!  I
 mean, what else is there to do on a Saturday night?

RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER:  Love your costume.

RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER:  What costume?  These are my everyday clothes?

RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER:  Hand on hips... jump to the left!

RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER (a large woman):  I produced this film and it was so
 bad the studio didn't want to release it.  They decided to call it camp, have
 midnight showings, invite audience participation, and turned it into a cult
 classic that's grossed over 150 milion.  Hooray for Hollywood!!

[Page 2, Panel 1 - Rocky Balboa and Adrian are getting married.  The wedding
 court consists of various 'standard' monsters (ie, Wolfman, Bride of
 Frankenstein, etc).  In addition, there are some RHPS-style guests in
 attendance.  A box of rice and a toaster are flying past Rocky's and Adrian's

ROCKY:  Yo, Adrian, we're hitched, from now on it's legal!

ADRIAN:  I don't mind the adience throwin' rice but in boxes?

R:  Yeah, and the toast outta the toaster first!

BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN:  I caught the bridal bouquet!

RANDOM GUEST:  Will you marry me?

BOF (pointing to Frankenstein):  I'd rather marry him.

[Page 2, Panel 2 - Exterior shot of car driving through rain.  A gondola is
 being steered by the gondola-driver-person in the foreground.]

NARRATOR:  The newlyweds left for a night they'd never forget!

ADRIAN:  Rocky, I think you took the wrong fork back there.

ROCKY:  I never know which fork to use, dat's why I always eat wit' my knife.

A:  I meant the fork in the road.  I think w'ere lost; this doesn't look like
 195 to me.

GONDOLA-DRIVER-PERSON:  Gotta run now... number one now...

[Page 2, Panel 3 - Interior of car]

ROCKY:  Okay, we'll turn around.


ADRIAN:  What was that?

R:  Either we got a blowout or those guys in the audience are shootin' at us.

[Page 2, Panel 4 - Rocky holding up a tire]

ADRIAN:  Rocky, what are you doing?

ROCKY:  I ain't got a pump and the spare needs air.

[Page 2, Panel 5 - The tire explodes - KABOOM!]

ROCKY (looking dazed.. stars around head.. the whole bit):  Yo, Adrian, I
 think I put in too much air.

[Page 3, Panel 1 - Rocky and Adrian walking away from car]

ROCKY:  The castle we passed might have a phone we can use.  Besides, I can
 use the roadwork.

ADRIAN:  I'm coming with you.

R:  Gee, Adrian, I hate runnin' alone.  Usually my dog runs wit' me but you
 can take his place.

[Page 3, Panel 2 - closeup of Rocky and Adrian]

RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER:  Buy an umbrella, yo cheapskate!

ADRIAN:  Who said that?

ROCKY:  Probaby the same wimps that were throwin' stuff in the weddin' panel.

[Page 3, Panel 3 - Rocky and Adrian at the gate of the castle.  A sign on the
 gate reads 'The residence of Ham N. Burger']

ROCKY:  Yo, Adrian, dis must be a fast foot joint like McDonalds.

ADRIAN:  So where's the Golden Arch?

[Page 3, Panel 4 - front door of castle]

ROCKY:  You gotta phone we can use?

IGOR:  You're both wet.

R:  Yeah, it's rainin', you know.  Our newspaper sprung a leak.

RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER:  I told you heapskates to buy an umbrella.

[Page 3, Panel 5 - inside the ballroom.  Transylvanians dancing.]

DR. HAM N. BURGER:  Hands on your hips, jump to the left...

ROCKY:  It must b an aerobics class.  Yo, dig the crazy workout clothes!

ADRIAN:  That doesn't look like Jane Fonda to me.

DR.H:  No, sweetie, I'm prettier.

[Page 3, Panel 6 - still in the ballroom.  Transies goin' crazy in the

ROCKY:  I'm Rocky, this is my wife, Adrian.

DR.H:  Hi, there, I'm Dr. Ham N. Burger.

R:  Yo, Doc, who designed yoru outfit, Apollo Creed?

[Page 4, Panel 1 - In the laboratory - Transies still dancing around]

DR.H:  Yo are about to witness my greatest experiment; I am going to creat

TRANSIE 1:  Consider yourself lucky, people would give their right arm to be

TRANSIE 2:  Or their left leg.

TRANSIE 3:  Or their head.

IGOR (looks like Chuckie ala Child's Play):  Everything is ready, master!

DR.H:  Awaaaaay we go!

[Page 4, Panel 2 - ligtening cracking - reminicent of Frankenstein]

[Page 4, Panel 3 - A bandaged person that looks like The Mummy rises from the

IGOR:  Master, I think he's too well done.

DR.H:  Idiot!  I want him medium rare!

ROCKY:  Yo!  He's moving!

[Page 4, Panel 4 - standing around in the lab.  The Creation is quite
 muscular.  Transies jumping all around]

DR.H:  He's alive!  I have reated the perfect specimen!!

CREATION (to ROCKY):  I want you.

ROCKY:  Go for it!

DR.H:  No, you're mine.

[Page 4, Panel 5 - closeup of same]

CREATION:  All I want to do is fight him.

DR.H:  Fight?  Igor, you gave me the wrong brain, I wanted Any Warhol's, not
 Rocky Marciano's!

[Page 4, Panel 6 - more of the same]

CREATION (to Adrian):  Hi, cutie.

DR.H:  He likes girls!  Where did I go wrong?

IGOR:  Master, we have a visitor.

[Page 5, Panel 1 - Mickey (from the Rocky movies) enters on a wheelchair]

ROCKY:  It's Mickey.  Yo, Mick, you look pretty good considerin' you've been
 dead for years.

MICK:  So have you, only you don't know it.

[Page 5, Panel 2 - back in the ballroom for some reason - Transies dancing all

DR.H:  You can't fool me, you're from the CIA; the Central Interplentary

MICK:  A logical assumption, Dr. Burger.

DR.H:  Logical?  Great Spock, you're Dr. Scott!  I mean, Great Scott, youu're
 Dr. Spock!

[Page 5, Panel 3 - Mick looks like Mr. Spock.  Transies and Dr.H look startled
 in the background]

MICK:  That's right, Doc!  You're wanted in the Galaxy for grossly overacting
 and underdressing.  You two had better leave.  I'm going to beam this castle
 and its occupants back to where they belong... the Planet Crossdressing.

ROCKY:  We can't leave, we've got a flat.

[Page 5, Panel 4 - Audience Members in foreground.  Rocky is being hit in the
 head with a tire]

ADRIAN:  Rocky, we're saved!  Someone threw a tire at us.

ROCKY:  That was a lucky punch.  I'll get him in the next round.

[Page 5, Panel 5 - Rocky and Adrian driving away; the castle taking off in the

ROCKY:  Yo, Adrian, I got a joke for ya.  Knock, knock...

ADRIAN:  Who's there?

R:  Hot dog, I mean, frankfurter.

A:  Frankfurter who...?

R:  Frank-fur-der memories; get it?

A:  Cheez, I should have beamed up with those weirdos.  At least i wouldn't
 have to listen to your dumb jokes.

MR. SPOCK (in background):  Bem us up, Mr. Scott.


        I told you it was bad.  :)  But check out the RHPS FAQ Web Page!