...submitted by Ruth J Fink-Winter...

First of all, I am in no way associated with this and I don't think it's very
good.  But here it is.

*The Schlocky Horror Picture Show*
Barf, issue 2, Jul 1990; story: Todd Loren with Duane Dimock
"art" (mostly copied directly from the comic book--CSB): Ken Landgraf;
lettering: Mary Kelleher

Without permission.

Lips (with braces): Rick O'Brien was ill the day he wrote this swill.
When he showed us, he was panned.
And Ruth Gordon was there in silver evening wear.
Tim Curry wished Meatloaf had used "Ban".
Then something went wrong,
Once the movie was gone
It came back with a cult full of fans.
Was it a dopey craze or just a stupid phase
Or perhaps a plot from Iran?
Science fiction
Isn't featured.
Susan S. might
Have a future,
If she can hide that...
She played Janet
In this third rate, double boring picture show!

(Brad, in car): We got a blowout!

Audience: Assface!

Brad: Dammit!  Well, maybe there's a British transvestite-alien Broadway
reject here who has a spare!

Audience: Dorkbrain!

Brad: Alright, just don't sstart with me, you adolescent hoodlums!  I'm
in no mood for--(hit in face with pie)--GHAA!  Oh yeah?  Well, take
this!! (Shoots at and kills large number of audience)

Janet: Brat! Stop! What are you doing?

Brad: Trying to keep from getting type-cast as a moron wimp!  Look, a
weird-looking castle.  (Knocks)

Riff (opening door): Well, if it isn't the moron wimp and his finacee,
the multi-talented actress who'll never live this down!

Janet: Do you have a phone?

Riff: What for?

J: I want to call my agent to see if he can get me out of this bomb!

Transylvanians: I think it's a little late for that!  Let's do the Time
Waste again!

J: Brat, look!  It's Boy George!

Frank: Hey, there's only room for one washed-up British transvestite in
this show and it's me!

Boy George: Do you really want to hurt me?

Frank (attacking B.G. with chainsaw and a "culture club"):  Does this
answer your question, you commie chameleon?  Yes, now what was that

Trannies: Come up to the lab!

Frank: Oh, yes!  Come up to the lab, and see my sister Babs!

Aud: The slab!

F: Oh, right, see what's on the slab!! I see you shiver with antici-

Aud (drawn as a bunch of fat people and geeks): Say it! Say it!

F: Oh, hush up, you pubescent dweebs! I'll say it when I'm good and
ready!  Sheesh!  Now, then, I'd like to show you my great creation, yes!
Here it is!  Now let's see what we've got here!  (He unwraps Rocky--
Rocky Balboa.)  Rocky!

Rocky: Yo, Adrian?? EEEYAAA!

F: Hey, waitaminnit!  I haven't shown you off yet to Brat and Jammit!
(Rocky metamorphoses into Rambo with a big machine gun) EEEEE! Oh, no!

J: Come back here!  I want to show you what I can do with a lemon!
(anybody get this? --CSB)

Eddie: I'll be right with you folks.  Oh, anyone for Meatloaf?
(Dr. Scott crashes through the wall.)

Dr S.: Holy shit!  (The audience throws a garbage can full of trash at
him.)  Hey, stop that, you juvenile delinquents!  (They push him in the

(Floor Show--the backdrop reads "An HOMO Bomb Picture" and the radio
tower is labeled "Not a Phallic Symbol")

Frank: I'm not wild or an untamed thing.  I act on Broadway and I try to
sing.  I had a hit with this Rocky thing.  Don't mention "Annie" or I'll
start to scream.

(The audience has metamorphosed again.  It now includes Klinger from
M*A*S*H in drag and Michael Jackson taking notes on a pad labeled "How
to Dance".  For some reason Bugs Bunny is doing the Floor Show in corset
and heels.)

Riff: Frankenfurter [sic], it's all over!  Your movie's a failure, your
makeup's too extreme!

J (still in her dress; boy this artist sucks!): You're going to kill
him?  What's his crime?

Dr. Scott (I think): You saw his wardrobe!  Society must be protected
from bad taste!

Riff: Say goodbye to all this, and hello to a career of boring movies
with Martin Mull, and guest appearances on Saturday Night Live in which
you attempt to imitate Mick Jagger!  (note: SNL tape featuring Tim Curry
doing this is available from Mad Dog Video, address from the Fan Club--CSB)
Rocky (as Rambo): Oh no you don't, alien scum! (He blows Riff away.)
(To Frank) You're going to star in my next picture--the Rocky VIII
Horror Picture Show, the continuing saga of a fighter who doesn't know
when to stop making sequels!

Frank: We'll give the industry a real Shock Treatment.  Why, I can see
it now...


Notes from the typist:  Did I mention that the art really, really sucks?
I hesitated to buy this since it trashes the movie and the audience in a
very negative way.  Only the next to last line leads me to believe the
people who wrote this know anything about the film.  However, stuff like
this will probably become available for a short while as the publicity
of the 20th hits.  I plan to hold my nose and buy it.

Ruth J Fink-Winter
"An it harm none, do as thou wilt."
Iowa State knows nothing about my opinions.