The Slayers Horror Picture Show
Written by Scott Watson


AUTHOR'S (Read: Madman's) NOTES:

I strongly recommend that you have some knowledge about both the anime
"Slayers" and the movie "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" before reading
this.  Also, a caffeine high might help. 8)

Author's notes (i.e. "Why does this suck?!?") follow tonight's main

This fanfic makes absolutely NO attempt whatsoever to preserve or tie
into the continuity established in the Slayers animes or mangas; it
takes place after episode one of the first Slayers TV series and goes
crazy after that.  However, it does try to preserve the characters
as much as such a project allows.

At no point is this going to be a lemon (or sexually explicit, for
those who are not cybergeeks) fanfic; nevertheless, you might want to
keep this away from your kid sister since it's so warped.

I apologize in advance for all correctly-spelled words and
grammatically-correct sentences.  I blame society.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show is copyright 20th Century Fox.  Who'd
have thought that the company that brought us the Rocky Horror
Picture Show could also bring us "Anastasia"?  Try explaining THAT
to your kids...

All Slayers characters are copyright H. Kanzaka / R. Araizumi, with
the exception of Aunt Koirry, who is copyrighted by Stefan Gagne.
Anything that's left over (with the exception of pop-culture
references) is copyrighted by me; in other words, please don't go
saying that you wrote this.

Questions?  Comments?  Statements?  Inquiries?  Things you want to
know?  Send emails to



Lina:		 Jeez, what ingratitude!
		Not an hour ago, they were begging me
		to save them from the black dragon, and now it's toast!

Gourry:	 Yeah, but so's their village!   Lina!  They're catching up and
		shouting nasty things!

Angry Mob:	 Nasty things!
		Nasty things!

Lina:		 How cliché can
		you get?  Gourry, hang on!  Ray Wing!

Gourry:	 Hey, Lina.  I have something to say...

Lina:		 What?

Gourry:	 You don't have any breasts, do you?

Lina:		 Will you stop going on about that?
		  I better
		catch him before...  ...too late.

Gourry:	 What was that for?

Lina:		 Well,
		you broke my concentration...

Gourry:	 And you broke my spine!

Vrumugun:	 I would like, if I may, to take you
		on a journey.  It seemed an ordinary night when Gourry
		Gabriev and his girlfriend, Lina Inverse...

Lina:		 WHAT WAS THAT?!?

Vrumugun:	 ...two
		young, healthy, yet strange kids...


Vrumugun:	 ...left the village that they had
		destroyed in their fight with the black dragon to find
		a warm bed and an abundant supply of food.
		It's true that there were dark storm clouds..., heavy,
		pendulous... towards which they were travelling.
		It's also true that they were badly in need of food
		and supplies, and Lina gets crabby in the rain...


Vrumugun: the young adventurers sought to find the nearest
		village before the storm found them.    On a night out.

Vrumugun:	It was a night they were to remember for a very long



Lina:		 Look what you did?  Now we're stuck
		out here in the rain!

Gourry:	It's just water, Lina.  We'll be okay.

Lina:		 OKAY?!?   We're stuck out
		here in the rain!  Our equipment will get spoiled or
		rusty, I'm hungry, I'm tired, and we have no place to

Gourry:	 What about that castle up there?

Lina:		 Huh?

Gourry:	 On second thought, maybe we

Lina:		C'mon!  It'll be warm in there!   And there'll
		be lots of food!  And maybe even a handsome prince who
		will marry me on the spot!  

Gourry:	 No!  I don't
		wanna! That castle creeps me out!

Zelgadis:	I can sense them.  They're coming.    Tonight is it.  

Gourry:	Lina!    I say we go back!  
		This place is really freaky!

Lina:		 Don't be silly, Gourry!  Only the really
		rich and really noble live in castles!    I can just
		sense it!  Something really big is going to happen

Gourry:	 That's what
		I'm afraid of!

Lina:		 Hey!  Open up!    Open up or I'll break this
		door down!

Zelgadis:	 Hello.

Lina:		 Whoa, whoa, whoa... a monster

Gourry:	 WAAAAAAAH!  I told you
		this place is creepy!

Zelgadis:	 Are my looks that
		monstrous to you?

Lina:		 No, no, that's not it!  We were
		just...  ...running from an angry mob, so
		we're a bit jumpy.  Oh, yeah, and we need a place to
		stay for the night.

Zelgadis:	 You're wet.

Lina:		 What's WITH this guy??

Gourry:	 Yeah... it's raining

Zelgadis:	Yes.    I think you better both come inside.

Lina:		 Lucky!

Gourry:	 Thank you.

Vrumugun:	And so, after braving the inclement weather, and some
		not-too little time, it seemed that fortune had smiled
		on Gourry and Lina and that they had found the
		assistance that their plight required.    Or
		had they?  There was certainly something about this
		castle, to which an angry mob, a wisecrack about
		Lina's body and a wet night had brought them, that
		made Gourry feel apprehensive and uneasy. But, if they
		were to reach the next village, he would have to
		ignore such feelings and take advantage of whatever
		help was offered.



Zelgadis:	 Wait here.

Gourry:	 Let's get out of here!  Aunt
		Koirry always told me to stay away from weird places
		like this!

Lina:		Listen, Gourry, we're tired, wet and hungry!  It's
		gonna take more than a chimera manservant to scare me
		off!  I'm Lina Inverse, sorcery genius, remember?

Gourry:	 So if they try anything funny, you'll do
		that Dragon Slave thingy?

Lina:		 If I'm in a good mood!

Zelgadis:	 This way.

Gourry:	 How did you do that?!?

Zelgadis:	 You've arrived on a special
		night.  It's one of the master's affairs.

Lina:		 Affairs?  That means a party, right?
		 Yes!  There's going to be good
		food, soft beds, and lots of royalty!  Lucky!

Lina:		 It can't be...

Naga:		 You're lucky!  I'm lucky!
		We're ALL lucky!

Naga:		Behold Naga, the ultimate and sexiest rival of Lina

Zelgadis:	 Gold fish feces.

Naga:		 Zelgadis!

Gourry:	 So you're Naga.
		 And you're Zelidigidas.   My
		name's Gourry.

Zelgadis:	That's Zelgadis.

Gourry:	 No, I'm pretty sure my name is Gourry.

		I'M Zelgadis.

Gourry:	 Nice to meet you, Zeldigas.

Lina:		 Looks like
		a monster mosh.

Gourry:	 I don't think you'll find any
		princes in there, Lina.

Martina:	 Hello, handsome!


Gourry:	How do you people DO that?

Lina:		 Ittai!  Now my nose is going to look
		all smashed in.

Naga:		 Your nose ALWAYS looked like that,
		Lina Inverse!

Lina:		 That's it!   You were right!
		This place is weird!  Let's get out of here before...

Lina:		 ...something like this happens.


Zelgadis:	 Your clothes
		were wet.

Martina:	Oooh, you're such a hunk, Gourry-chan.

Gourry:	 Oh, please don't look
		at me...

Lina:		 Gourry!  Grab your sword!
		We're getting our clothes and getting out of here.

Rezo:		My friends, I insist that you stay a while longer.

Lina:		 Was that...

Zelgadis:	 ...the Red Priest, Rezo.

Lina:		 Rezo.

Gourry:	 Rezo.

Gourry:	 Who's Rezo?

Lina:		 You don't know who Rezo is?!?

Gourry:	 No idea!

Lina:		 Rezo the Red Priest is one of the five wise
		men of our age!

Zelgadis:	 Though he is blind, he has performed
		countless miracles in his travels.

Naga:		 He is also the owner of this castle.

Martina:	 And he's so handsome!

Lina:		 If Rezo wants to see us, something really
		important must be happening!

Lina:		 Gourry!  Weren't you even listening??

Gourry:	 Listening?

Lina:		 Never mind...

Rezo:		I bid you welcome, my friends.

Lina:		 Most honorable Rezo...

Gourry:	 What is with those clothes??

Rezo:		 It's okay, my loyal servants.

Rezo:		 Please forgive them.  They are
		very protective of me.

Lina:		 It's okay.  
		And please forgive him.  He's a moron.

Gourry:	 HEY!

Rezo:		 No offense taken.    Why don't
		you stay for the night?

Lina and Gourry:	 Night?

Rezo:		Or a bite?

Rezo:		I could show you... favorite obsession.

Gourry:	 We're out of

Rezo:		 I insist that you stay.  It's
		not decent to run around in your underwear like that.

Lina:		Gourry...

Gourry:	Yes?

Lina:		 PUT ME DOWN!

Rezo:		 You're blushing.

Lina:		 Am not!

Rezo:		 Why don't you two come
		up to my lab?

Lina:		 Whoa, whoa, whoa!  This is
		creepy... and I feel so NAKED!  But any magician
		worth their salt would give their left arm for a
		chance to see Rezo's research!  What do I do?

Rezo:		 Come, Lina Inverse and Gourry

Gourry:	 I don't want to!

Lina:		 One
		moment please!  Gourry, listen
		up!  I know this is freaky, and I don't like being in
		my underwear any more than you do, but I'd never
		forgive myself if he wanted to teach me a new spell
		and I passed it up!  Understand?

Gourry:	 I only understand one thing.

Lina:		 What's that?

Gourry:	You look good in your undies.

Lina:		 Why you...  ...I mean...  ...stop
		goofing off!

Martina:	 You're very lucky, Gourry-chan.
		 A lot of people would
		give their right arm for the priveledge.  

Gourry:	 People like you, maybe...

Martina:	 I've SEEN it!

Gourry:	 Huh?  I thought I saw
		that cross-dressing priest enter here...

Lina:		 Are you and Rezo... know?

Martina:	 If only... isn't he

Zelgadis:	 The master is not married, nor do I ever
		think he will be.  We are all merely his servants.

Lina:		 I didn't think you'd ever be anybody's
		Servant, Naga.

Naga:		 Shift it!

Naga:		Martina-chan, you must learn how to shake your booty

Martina:	 Sorry.

Gourry:	 Hey, Lina.

Lina:		 What?

Gourry:	You've got some master plan or something to get our
		clothes back and get out, right?

Lina:		 Um... er... not really.  Do you?

Gourry:	 Come on, Lina.  If I thought of
		a plan like that, I would have forgotten it already.

Lina:		 Oh, boy.



Rezo:		Naga.

Rezo:		Martina.

Rezo:		Go and assist Zelgadis.  I will entertain... 

Rezo:		 How nice.  And what charming underclothes you
		both have.

Gourry:	 Excuse me, Mr. Rezo... but if you can't
		open your eyes, how do you know if our underclothes
		look good?

Rezo:		 Let's just say...  ...I can feel it.

Lina and Gourry:	PERVERT!

Rezo:		Put these on.  They'll make you feel less... 

Rezo:		It's not often that we receive guests... let alone
		offer them... hospitality.

Lina:		 You call this hospitality?  You
		took my clothes and haven't offered me a meal!

Rezo:		 What was that?

Lina:		 Nothing!


Zelgadis:	Everything is in readiness, master.  We merely await

Zelgadis:	...word.

Rezo:		  Very good.

Rezo:		Tonight, dear friends, you are about to witness a new
		breakthrough in biomagical research!

Rezo:		It was strange, the way it happened...

Gourry:	Sorry...

Lina:		Gourry!  You're supposed to be my bodyguard, remember?

Gourry:	 You're supposed to be a great sorceress!

Rezo:		Ahem.

Rezo:		It was strange, the way it happened... suddenly, you
		get a break.  Whole pieces seem to fit into place.
		  The answer was there all the

Gourry:	 Where's there?

Lina:		 Dunno.

Rezo:		It took an accident to make it happen...  AN ACCIDENT!

Rezo:		 Yes, dear
		friends!  That is how I discovered the secret... that
		elusive ingredient, that SPARK  that is the breath of life!

Lina:		 So he's doing the horror-movie

Rezo:		 YES!  I have that
		knowledge!  I hold the secret... to life... ITSELF!

Rezo:		You see, you are fortunate for tonight is the night
		that my first beautiful creature is destined to be

Lina:		 Creature?

Rezo:		 Up now!
		...throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator...
		and step the reactor power input THREE MORE POINTS!

Zelgadis:	 THREE POINTS?!?


Martina:	 But the machine can't hold...

Rezo:		DO IT!

Gourry:	 What's going on?

Lina:		I don't know, but I hate it!

Rezo:		Arise, Noonsa!

Lina and Gourry:	Noonsa?

Lina:		 Yuck!  I hate fish!

Gourry:	 Stay back!

Rezo:		 That is no way to behave on your first day
		out, Noonsa.

Noonsa:	 I'm sorry.

Rezo:		 But since you're so important, I'm prepared
		to forgive you.

Rezo:		 So, what
		do you think?

Zelgadis:	He's quite a specimen, master.

Naga:		A triumph of your will.

Martina:	 Interesting fish.

Gourry:	 Goofy fish.

Lina:		 Ugh, the smell... I hate fish!

Rezo:		Interesting?  Goofy?  FISH?!?

Rezo:		 A
		three-pound fish... will get caught and eaten... but
		with the right training... and the right diet...
		one of the seven pieces of Shabranidgo...

Rezo: just seven days, Noonsa, I'll make you... a
		Devil Fish!

Lina:		  Shabranidgo...

Gourry:	 Bless you.

Lina:		 I didn't sneeze!  Shabranidgo is the king of
		all monsters!  And Rezo's using the pieces of
		Shabranidgo's body to... to...  ...make
		fish?  That makes no sense...

Voice:	Did someone say fish?

Martina:	 Zangulus!


Martina:	 Zangulus!

Lina:		 WHAT?!?

Gourry:	 I get it!  Those
		two were lovers, but that weird priest locked him in
		the freezer!  And by the looks of his head, he was
		some sort of failed experiment!

Lina:		 WHAT?!?  How does somebody who
		can't even put on his own lab coat figure things out
		like that?!?

Gourry:	 Well, to be perfectly honest...
		...I made a wild guess!

Lina:		 I want this
		nightmare to end.

Zangulus:	Noonsa!  I challenge you!

Martina:	Isn't he great?

Lina:		 Say, Martina, why does Rezo want to
		put parts of Shabranidgo in fish?

Martina:	 He had tried human
		experiments, like  Zangulus-kun...
		 ...but human subjects didn't obey him.

Lina:		 So he thinks that giving Shabranidgo
		fragments to fish will allow him to control them?!?
		He's mad!

		Isn't he dreamy?

Gourry:	He's quite a good swordsman...

Lina:		 This doesn't make any sense...

Zangulus:	 Uh oh...

Rezo:		Don't worry about that creature, Noonsa. It was
 		a mercy killing... he had a certain naive charm, but
		no discipline.

Rezo:		Come, Noonsa!  In just seven days, I will make you a
		Devil Fish!

Lina:		 What was that all about?!?

Zelgadis:	 It could be worse.

Lina:		 It could be worse?!?  He's going to
		revive the Dark Lord in a bunch of fish, and you're
		telling me it could be worse?!?

Gourry:	 That's right.  He could be using chicken.

Zelgadis:	Exactly.

Vrumugun:	There are those who say that life is an illusion, and
		that reality is but a figment of the imagination.  If
		this is so, then Gourry and Lina are quite safe,
		...however, the sudden departure of their host...and
		his creation...into the seclusion of his sombre
		training chambers had left them feeling both
		apprehensive and uneasy, a feeling which grew as the
		other guests departed, and they were shown to their
		separate rooms.



Lina:		 I'm NOT sleeping in this room!

Naga:		  You have no choice!  The master wills it!

Lina:		All right, that's it!  I don't care if I AM in my
		underwear!  I'm getting out of here!  FLARE...

Naga:		Pleasant dreams, Lina.  

Lina:		 ITTAI!  Oh, now I'm REALLY pissed off!

Lina:		 What?!?   This doesn't
		Make any sense!  One minute, we were running from
		ungrateful villagers, now I'm stripped to my skivvies
		while some mad priest is making evil fish... 
		I wonder how Gourry is doing...

Lina:		 What?

Voice:	It's me.  Gourry.  Can I come in?

Lina:		 You pervert!  I'm in my

Voice:	 Okay.

Lina:		No, wait... you can come in, but be careful.  That door's

Lina:		...tough?

Voice:	Are you okay, Lina?

Lina:		Thanks, Gourry.  You're not such a moron after all.

Lina:		REZO!

Rezo:		 I'm afraid so, Lina, but wasn't it nice?

Lina:		 What do you

Rezo:		Hmmm... what indeed?  I know... how about that gem in your

Lina:		YOU PERVERT!    Pushy guys don't get the girls!

Rezo:		You misunderstand me.  I don't want you... merely that gem
		in your top.  But if you will not willingly give it to me,
		I will have to...  ... do something drastic.

Lina:		Forget it!  DAMU BRAS!

Rezo:		You leave me no choice.

Lina:		 Re... zo... you... bastard...

Rezo:		Admit it... you liked it, didn't you?    There's
		nothing wrong to giving yourself over to pleasure, Lina

Lina:		 The bastard... he fights dirty...



Gourry:	You can't keep me here!  And what did you do to

Zelgadis:	 Yes, I can.  And your girlfriend is fine.

Gourry:	 She's not my girlfriend.  I'm her bodyguard!

Zelgadis:	Your girlfriend is fine... and worrying about her will do
		no good anyway.  This door is thick orihalcon.  I advise
		you to sleep well.

Gourry:	I told Lina we shouldn't have come in here!  Now
		we're trapped and in our underwear and...  ...Lina...

Voice:	Gourry, it's Lina.  Can I come in?

Gourry:	 Sure!  Come on in!

< A figure enters Gourry's room, closing the door behind it.>

Gourry:	I was just thinking about you, Lina!  I'm glad
		you're safe.  Let's get out of here before... wait
		a minute...

Voice:	What?

Gourry:	How come you're not insulting or hitting me?
		  Are you feeling

Gourry:	 Since when did you start wearing a wig,

Rezo:		 I'm not Lina.

Gourry:	 Rezo!  What do you

Rezo:		Hmmm... what indeed?  I know... how about your Sword of

Gourry:	I'm not giving it to you or anybody!  It's a family

Rezo:		  You leave me no choice.

Gourry:	  Give... that... back...

Rezo:		You liked it didn't you?  There's no crime in giving
		yourself over to pleasure - is there?

Zelgadis:	Master, Noonsa has broken his chains and vanished. The
		new Devil Fish is loose and somewhere on the grounds.
		Naga has just released.. the Lesser Demons.

Rezo:		I understand.



Lina:		 Where did that kinky priest go?    OUCH!    I never thought I'd say this,
		but...  ...Gourry was right.  We shouldn't have
		come to this castle.  We shouldn't have stayed when they
		ripped our clothes off.    I should have just
		Dragon Slaved everybody into next Thursday!  

Lina:		 All right!  A chance to cut loose!  ELEMEKIA

Lina:		You picked the wring time to mess with me!  BLAST ASH!

Lina:		And as for you...

Noonsa:	I love you.

Lina:		 WHAT?!?

Noonsa:	  I LOVE YOU! 

Lina:		 Damn!  I don't have enough time to
 		finish the spell!

Lina:		Leave me alone!

Noonsa:	I LOVE YOU!

Lina:		 Why me?!?

Zelgadis:	 Master, have mercy!

Rezo:		I gave you power beyond your imagining, and this is
		how you repay me?  How did this happen?  I understood
		you were to be watching!

Zelgadis:	 I was only away...
		...for a moment.

Rezo:		I will accept no more failures!  FIND HIM!

Gourry:	 Rezo!
 		Return my sword and let Lina go!

Zelgadis:	Master, we have a visitor.

Gourry:	 Who's that guy?  He has the same color
		hair as you do...

Rezo:		 So... this wasn't a chance meeting, was it?

Gourry:	 Huh?

Rezo:		This priest is not unknown to me.  He investigates Mazoku
		activity, doesn't he, Gourry?

Gourry:	 He does?  How did you know that?

Zelgadis:	 Master, the intruder is entering the

Rezo:		 Bring him to me!

Xelloss:	 Is this any way to treat a crippled priest?

Rezo:		 Don't play games with me, Xelloss.  I know you
		sent the male and female humans to check the layout for
 		you.  But now, all your plans are going to be changed.

Xelloss:	 Sure, sure...  Who's

Gourry:	 Hello!   Hey!  How did you keep from
		getting your clothes ripped off?

Xelloss:	 It's a secret.

Rezo:		 Trickster priest, you are not welcome here.

Xelloss:	 Okay... I'll be going, then.  After all,
		I'm just looking for Zangulus.

Gourry:	Oh!  I remember him!  He was killed by  him an hour ago!

Gourry:	Um... excuse me... Xelloss?  Rezo?

Gourry:	Lina!

Lina:		Gourry!

Xelloss:	 Lina!

Lina:		 Xelloss?

Rezo:		 NOONSA!

Noonsa:	Yikes!

Gourry:	Lina!

Lina:		Gourry!

Xelloss:	Lina!

Lina:		Xelloss?

Rezo:		NOONSA!

Noonsa:	Yikes!

Gourry:	Lina!

Lina:		Gourry!

Xelloss:	Lina!

Lina:		Xelloss?

Rezo:		NOONSA!

Noonsa:	Yikes!

Gourry:	Lina!


Xelloss:	So, you killed Zangulus?

Rezo:		 I do as I please, trickster priest!
		 And don't you forget that I made you,
		and I can break you just as easily!

Rezo:		Though it comes as no surprise to you, trickster priest,
		your agent's weapon was one of two weapons that could
 		derail my research.  He had to be eliminated.

Xelloss:	Fair enough.  So give back the Howling Sword, and I'll
		Forgive you.

Rezo:		You don't get it, do you?  With these weapons in my
		possession, no force on Earth can withstand my Devil Fish!

Xelloss:	 Shows how much you know...

Lina:		Wait... time out.  The swords I can understand, but why
		did you say you needed the gem in my top?

Lina:		 I said, why did you need the gem in my

Rezo:		 I don't... I was just trying to feel you up.

Lina:		WHY YOU...!

Rezo:		 Throw the switch!

Lina:		  Damn!  I can't move my feet!

Xelloss:	  I can't move my wheels!

Gourry:	  Look!  A moth!

Lina:		 Now's no time to space out!

Xelloss:	 You seem to be
		doing well so far, Rezo.  Your little plan to conquer the
		world with Devil Fish is...  ...unique, but do you really think you'll be able
		to sustain this castle in OUTER SPACE?

Lina and Gourry:	 OUTER SPACE?

Rezo:		  How did you know?

Xelloss:	 It's a secret.

Rezo:		 Well done, trickster
		priest.   It is exactly as he says.
		My plan is to create Devil Fish like... no, make that
		superior to Noonsa.  While they ravage the land, my own
		stronghold will be safe beyond their reach.  However, you
		must be dealt with.  Now that you know this, I can't let
		you run free and try to oppose me.    You will be my guinea pigs for my newest
		torture device... the sonic anime transducer!

Rezo:		 But tell me, "priest", why did you oppose us?

Xelloss:	 It's a secret.

Rezo:		 You have invoked my fury!  I'll make you and
		your human pawns pay dearly for your interference!

Lina:		 Wait a minute... can't we talk this out?

Gourry:	Don't torture Lina! Take me instead!

Xelloss:	 I'll see you later, Rezo.

Martina:	My God!  I can't stand any more of this!  First you try
		to put a piece of Shabranidgo in the man I love, and when
		he didn't behave the way you wanted, you tossed him aside
		like an old coat for that walking filet, Noonsa!    I loved you... but you just take and take and take
		like a sponge!  You're going to have to choose between
		me and that good-for-nothing Noonsa!

Rezo:		 I see...   I choose neither of you.

Rezo:		 It's not easy trying to resurrect the Dark Lord
		Shabranidgo.  Even smiling makes my face ache.

Rezo:		AUGH!  When do I get that sake you promised, huh?  I grow
		weary of this madness.

Rezo:		Naga... Zelgadis... I am indeed grateful to both of you.
		You have served me well.  Loyalty such as yours must be
		rewarded, and you will discover that when the mood takes
		me, I can be quite generous.

Zelgadis:	 I ask for nothing!

Naga:		And I want my sake!

Rezo:		 And you shall receive both in
		abundance!    Come!  We are
		ready for the floor show!  

Vrumugun:	And so, by some extraordinary coincidence, Lina and Gourry
		would find themselves battling the hordes of evil again.
		But, it was to be in a situation in which they couldn't
		have forseen.  And, just a few hours after destryoing a
		black dragon, they had both been reduced to their
		underwear and mercilessly... ...tickled... by their host, a mad man of
		little morals and some persuasion.

Vrumugun:	What further indignities were they to be subjected to... ?
		And what of the sonic anime transducer and the floorshow
		that had been spoken of?  What indeed?  From what had gone
		before it was clear that this was to be no picnic.


Author:	 And now...

Philoneil:	Even a pacifist like I can't forgive a fanfic like this!



Rezo:		 Let the floor show begin!

Lina:		What happened?  
		 I'm going to get you for

Gourry:	Augh!  Lina!  You... you...

Lina:		 I know!  And so
		are you!

Martina:	Oh, my dear Gourry!  You'll save me from the bad priest,
		won't you?

Lina:		 Now's no time for this!

Noonsa:	 I LOVE YOU!  Come give me a kiss!

Lina:		ACK!  I hate fish!

Gourry:	 Let me go!  I have to save Lina!

Martina:	 Save me first!

Noonsa:	 Just one kiss!  

Lina:		 NEVER!

Rezo:		 Very amusing, dear
		friends.  Now if you'll allow me to...  ...try my new invention...

Lina:		Dar-ling!  Daaaar-ling!

Gourry:	 Curly-haired girl...  I will
		date you!

Lina:		You're cheating on me again, Dar-ling!

Gourry:	 Ah!  My pigtailed

Martina:	 CAPTAIN!  How dare you do that while on

Gourry:	 AH!  Akane Tendo!

Noonsa:	 In the name of the moon, I'll punish

Xelloss:	 Thank goodness that's done...
		  Oh my...
		I had better do something about this before...

Xelloss:	 ...before that bitch, A-ko, steals C-ko
		away from me again!

Martina:	 CAPTAIN!

Gourry:	 Akane Tendo, I will
		date you!

Lina:		 You won't date anyone but
		me, Darling!

Noonsa:	In the name of the moon, I'll punish you!

Xelloss:	 C-ko!  Come back!

Rezo:		  It works!  The
		sonic anime transducer works!  With this, and my legion
		of Devil Fish, the world will be MINE!

Rezo:		 What...?

Gourry:	Who's that?

Lina:		 Don't touch me there!  DIEM WING!

Zelgadis:	Rezo!  It's all over!

Naga:		Your mission is a failure!

Zelgadis:	You are now our prisoner!

Naga:		And we have activated the transit beam!  

Rezo:		 WHAT?  How dare you?

Zelgadis:	 How dare I?  You were the one who gave me this
		accursed body!  I never wanted to be a monster!

Naga:		And did you honestly think I'd betray Lina Inverse, the
		sidekick chick?

Lina:		 Who's the sidekick chick?!?

Xelloss:	 I believe she was referring to you.

Lina:		 I KNEW THAT!

Zelgadis:	Now, Rezo, say good bye to all of this... and hello to

Rezo:		Zelgadis, don't...


Rezo:		Fool!  Do you think you can use that against me?

Zelgadis:	  Catch!

Gourry:	Huh?

Gourry:	Oh!  This is my sword!  LIGHT, COME FORTH!

Naga:		AUGH!  I hate fish!

Lina:		The Sword of Light?  Gourry had it all along?    Go get him, Gourry!  I'll go change into
		Something more decent!

Gourry:	Hey!  Wait a minute!  

Lina:		Hey!  What's the big idea?

Xelloss:	You should help out, you know.

Lina:		 I will, as soon as I change!

Xelloss:	Oh, I see... you're far more patient than I, Lina... if
		someone kidnapped me... 
		...and felt me up... 
		...and changed my clothing... 
		...after turning me to stone...  ...I'd want to get revenge right...

Lina:		Rezo!  I'm going to blow you away!

Gourry:	 She's going to use the Dragon Slave!

Lina:		You bet!  Don't move, Gourry!

Gourry:	 WHAT?!?

Lina:		 Trust me!

Lina:		Darkness from twilight,
		Crimson from blood that flows...
		Buried in the flow of time...
		In thy great name, I pledge myself to thee.
		Let the fools that stand before us be destroyed
		By the power that you and I possess.

		GOURRY!  Attack him now!


Noonsa:	 Master!  You killed the master!  
		I will kill you both!  Prepare to face the wrath

Zelgadis:	 Ra-Tilt!

Naga:		 That was too easy!

Zelgadis:	 You didn't do anything.

Naga:		 You just didn't see it.

Zelgadis:	Gold fish feces.

Gourry:	 Thanks for helping us, but why did
		you do it?  I thought that you liked him and he
		liked you and stuff...

Zelgadis:	 They didn't like me!  HE NEVER LIKED

Lina:		 Okay, Mr. Touchy...

Xelloss:	 You did good.  It had to be done.

Zelgadis:	 I'm sorry about your...

Xelloss:	 Perhaps it's for the best, right?

Lina:		Well, all's well that ends well, right?  Now I'm going to
		go find my clothes before...

Lina:		 I've got to stop saying things like

Naga:		We should leave while we still can.

Zelgadis:	This whole castle is going to be launched into outer

Zelgadis:	And so end the mad plans of Rezo the Red Priest.

Naga:		A fitting end for one so warped and perverted.

Lina:		 Gourry...

Gourry:	 It's over...

Lina:		 Can I have your Sword of

Gourry:	 WHAT?

Lina:		 C'mon!  Gimme gimme

Gourry:	 I can't just give
		it away.  It's a family heirloom!

Zelgadis:	So immature.

Naga:		 Yes, they are.  But I think we should give them
		their clothes back now.

Zelgadis:	 I thought that YOU had the clothes...

Naga:		 We agreed that YOU were supposed to bring

Gourry:	You mean...

Lina:		 ...our clothes are  up

Lina and Gourry:	No way!

Xelloss:	Maybe those people have an outfit they could lend you.

Zelgadis:	 I'm guessing they're not friends of

Naga:		 What did you do this time, Lina?

Lina:		 Oh, nothing really... just accidentally
		destroyed a village.

Xelloss:	Excuse me!  Do you have any spare clothing that we could
		borrow for a few days?  
		Was that a yes?

Lina:		 I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm scantily clad, and now
		I have to run again!    Carry
		me, Gourry.  I'll fight them off with the Sword of Light!

Vrumugun:	And crawling on the planet's face some insects, called the
		human race... lost in time, and lost in space, and meaning.

Lina:		 Sorry about that!

Gourry:	 Nice den by the way!

Zelgadis:	 You might want to start running, too.

Vrumugun:	Oh, no.



First and foremost, yes, I am a sick puppy.  But for the record, I
did keep my promise to not make this into lemony, pulpy smut.

This is the first draft.  I literally used the scripts from the Rocky
Horror Picture Show movie and play to structure the story.  I edited
out the songs for two important reasons.  The first reason is that
I just didn't feel creative enough to twist, tweak and alter the songs
to fit into this fanfic.  Maybe it will give me something to do in any
future rewrites.  The second reason is that the mere implication that
Megumi Hayashibara would sing a Rocky Horror Picture Show song would
be enough for anime purists (myself included) to shove my own keyboard
down my throat.

I apologize if the script method of writing was annoying.  I have
found that it is difficult for me to write in a novel format since
I picture the scenes and images in my mind much like a viewer watches
scenes in a television show.  I just find it easier to write
stage/screen directions than to write a paragraph in which "her ruby
red tresses swayed in the smooth summer wind as she slowly paced to
her beloved..." and whatnot.

Whether they be compliments or condemnations, friendly or flames, it
would be nice to know if somebody actually read this.  So if you have
a moment, drop me a line at