The Slayers Horror Picture Show Written by Scott Watson --------------------------------------------------------------------- AUTHOR'S (Read: Madman's) NOTES: I strongly recommend that you have some knowledge about both the anime "Slayers" and the movie "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" before reading this. Also, a caffeine high might help. 8) Author's notes (i.e. "Why does this suck?!?") follow tonight's main feature. This fanfic makes absolutely NO attempt whatsoever to preserve or tie into the continuity established in the Slayers animes or mangas; it takes place after episode one of the first Slayers TV series and goes crazy after that. However, it does try to preserve the characters as much as such a project allows. At no point is this going to be a lemon (or sexually explicit, for those who are not cybergeeks) fanfic; nevertheless, you might want to keep this away from your kid sister since it's so warped. I apologize in advance for all correctly-spelled words and grammatically-correct sentences. I blame society. The Rocky Horror Picture Show is copyright 20th Century Fox. Who'd have thought that the company that brought us the Rocky Horror Picture Show could also bring us "Anastasia"? Try explaining THAT to your kids... All Slayers characters are copyright H. Kanzaka / R. Araizumi, with the exception of Aunt Koirry, who is copyrighted by Stefan Gagne. Anything that's left over (with the exception of pop-culture references) is copyrighted by me; in other words, please don't go saying that you wrote this. Questions? Comments? Statements? Inquiries? Things you want to know? Send emails to scottwat@scf.usc.edu. --------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 1: Lina: Jeez, what ingratitude! Not an hour ago, they were begging me to save them from the black dragon, and now it's toast! Gourry: Yeah, but so's their village! Lina! They're catching up and shouting nasty things! Angry Mob: Nasty things! Nasty things! Lina: How cliché can you get? Gourry, hang on! Ray Wing! Gourry: Hey, Lina. I have something to say... Lina: What? Gourry: You don't have any breasts, do you? Lina: Will you stop going on about that? I better catch him before... ...too late. Gourry: What was that for? Lina: Well, you broke my concentration... Gourry: And you broke my spine! Vrumugun: I would like, if I may, to take you on a journey. It seemed an ordinary night when Gourry Gabriev and his girlfriend, Lina Inverse... Lina: WHAT WAS THAT?!? Vrumugun: ...two young, healthy, yet strange kids... Lina: I AM NOT STRANGE! Vrumugun: ...left the village that they had destroyed in their fight with the black dragon to find a warm bed and an abundant supply of food. It's true that there were dark storm clouds... ...black, heavy, pendulous... towards which they were travelling. It's also true that they were badly in need of food and supplies, and Lina gets crabby in the rain... Lina: Vrumugun: ...so the young adventurers sought to find the nearest village before the storm found them. On a night out. Vrumugun: It was a night they were to remember for a very long time. --------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 2: Lina: Look what you did? Now we're stuck out here in the rain! Gourry: It's just water, Lina. We'll be okay. Lina: OKAY?!? We're stuck out here in the rain! Our equipment will get spoiled or rusty, I'm hungry, I'm tired, and we have no place to stay! Gourry: What about that castle up there? Lina: Huh? Gourry: On second thought, maybe we should goWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOA! Lina: C'mon! It'll be warm in there! And there'll be lots of food! And maybe even a handsome prince who will marry me on the spot! Gourry: No! I don't wanna! That castle creeps me out! Zelgadis: I can sense them. They're coming. Tonight is it. Gourry: Lina! I say we go back! This place is really freaky! Lina: Don't be silly, Gourry! Only the really rich and really noble live in castles! I can just sense it! Something really big is going to happen here! Gourry: That's what I'm afraid of! Lina: Hey! Open up! Open up or I'll break this door down! Zelgadis: Hello. Lina: Whoa, whoa, whoa... a monster manservant? Gourry: WAAAAAAAH! I told you this place is creepy! Zelgadis: Are my looks that monstrous to you? Lina: No, no, that's not it! We were just... ...running from an angry mob, so we're a bit jumpy. Oh, yeah, and we need a place to stay for the night. Zelgadis: You're wet. Lina: What's WITH this guy?? Gourry: Yeah... it's raining outside. Zelgadis: Yes. I think you better both come inside. Lina: Lucky! Gourry: Thank you. Vrumugun: And so, after braving the inclement weather, and some not-too little time, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Gourry and Lina and that they had found the assistance that their plight required. Or had they? There was certainly something about this castle, to which an angry mob, a wisecrack about Lina's body and a wet night had brought them, that made Gourry feel apprehensive and uneasy. But, if they were to reach the next village, he would have to ignore such feelings and take advantage of whatever help was offered. --------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 3: Zelgadis: Wait here. Gourry: Let's get out of here! Aunt Koirry always told me to stay away from weird places like this! Lina: Listen, Gourry, we're tired, wet and hungry! It's gonna take more than a chimera manservant to scare me off! I'm Lina Inverse, sorcery genius, remember? Gourry: So if they try anything funny, you'll do that Dragon Slave thingy? Lina: If I'm in a good mood! Zelgadis: This way. Gourry: How did you do that?!? Zelgadis: You've arrived on a special night. It's one of the master's affairs. Lina: Affairs? That means a party, right? Yes! There's going to be good food, soft beds, and lots of royalty! Lucky! Lina: It can't be... Naga: You're lucky! I'm lucky! We're ALL lucky! Naga: Behold Naga, the ultimate and sexiest rival of Lina Inverse! Zelgadis: Gold fish feces. Naga: Zelgadis! Gourry: So you're Naga. And you're Zelidigidas. My name's Gourry. Zelgadis: That's Zelgadis. Gourry: No, I'm pretty sure my name is Gourry. Zelgadis: I'M Zelgadis. Gourry: Nice to meet you, Zeldigas. Lina: Looks like a monster mosh. Gourry: I don't think you'll find any princes in there, Lina. Martina: Hello, handsome! Gourry: WAAAAAAAAAH! Gourry: How do you people DO that? Lina: Ittai! Now my nose is going to look all smashed in. Naga: Your nose ALWAYS looked like that, Lina Inverse! Lina: That's it! You were right! This place is weird! Let's get out of here before... Lina: ...something like this happens. Lina: WHAT WAS THAT FOR? Zelgadis: Your clothes were wet. Martina: Oooh, you're such a hunk, Gourry-chan. Gourry: Oh, please don't look at me... Lina: Gourry! Grab your sword! We're getting our clothes and getting out of here. Rezo: My friends, I insist that you stay a while longer. Lina: Was that... Zelgadis: ...the Red Priest, Rezo. Lina: Rezo. Gourry: Rezo. Gourry: Who's Rezo? Lina: You don't know who Rezo is?!? Gourry: No idea! Lina: Rezo the Red Priest is one of the five wise men of our age! Zelgadis: Though he is blind, he has performed countless miracles in his travels. Naga: He is also the owner of this castle. Martina: And he's so handsome! Lina: If Rezo wants to see us, something really important must be happening! Lina: Gourry! Weren't you even listening?? Gourry: Listening? Lina: Never mind... Rezo: I bid you welcome, my friends. Lina: Most honorable Rezo... Gourry: What is with those clothes?? Rezo: It's okay, my loyal servants. Rezo: Please forgive them. They are very protective of me. Lina: It's okay. And please forgive him. He's a moron. Gourry: HEY! Rezo: No offense taken. Why don't you stay for the night? Lina and Gourry: Night? Rezo: Or a bite? Rezo: I could show you... ...my favorite obsession. Gourry: We're out of here! Rezo: I insist that you stay. It's not decent to run around in your underwear like that. Lina: Gourry... Gourry: Yes? Lina: PUT ME DOWN! Rezo: You're blushing. Lina: Am not! Rezo: Why don't you two come up to my lab? Lina: Whoa, whoa, whoa! This is creepy... and I feel so NAKED! But any magician worth their salt would give their left arm for a chance to see Rezo's research! What do I do? Rezo: Come, Lina Inverse and Gourry Gabriev. Gourry: I don't want to! Lina: One moment please! Gourry, listen up! I know this is freaky, and I don't like being in my underwear any more than you do, but I'd never forgive myself if he wanted to teach me a new spell and I passed it up! Understand? Gourry: I only understand one thing. Lina: What's that? Gourry: You look good in your undies. Lina: Why you... ...I mean... ...stop goofing off! Martina: You're very lucky, Gourry-chan. A lot of people would give their right arm for the priveledge. Gourry: People like you, maybe... Martina: I've SEEN it! Gourry: Huh? I thought I saw that cross-dressing priest enter here... Lina: Are you and Rezo... ...you know? Martina: If only... isn't he handsome? Zelgadis: The master is not married, nor do I ever think he will be. We are all merely his servants. Lina: I didn't think you'd ever be anybody's Servant, Naga. Naga: Shift it! Naga: Martina-chan, you must learn how to shake your booty better. Martina: Sorry. Gourry: Hey, Lina. Lina: What? Gourry: You've got some master plan or something to get our clothes back and get out, right? Lina: Um... er... not really. Do you? Gourry: Come on, Lina. If I thought of a plan like that, I would have forgotten it already. Lina: Oh, boy. --------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 4: Rezo: Naga. Rezo: Martina. Rezo: Go and assist Zelgadis. I will entertain... Rezo: How nice. And what charming underclothes you both have. Gourry: Excuse me, Mr. Rezo... but if you can't open your eyes, how do you know if our underclothes look good? Rezo: Let's just say... ...I can feel it. Lina and Gourry: PERVERT! Rezo: Put these on. They'll make you feel less... ...vulnerable. Rezo: It's not often that we receive guests... let alone offer them... hospitality. Lina: You call this hospitality? You took my clothes and haven't offered me a meal! Rezo: What was that? Lina: Nothing! Rezo: Zelgadis: Everything is in readiness, master. We merely await your... Zelgadis: ...word. Rezo: Very good. Rezo: Tonight, dear friends, you are about to witness a new breakthrough in biomagical research! Rezo: It was strange, the way it happened... Gourry: Sorry... Lina: Gourry! You're supposed to be my bodyguard, remember? Gourry: You're supposed to be a great sorceress! Rezo: Ahem. Rezo: It was strange, the way it happened... suddenly, you get a break. Whole pieces seem to fit into place. The answer was there all the time! Gourry: Where's there? Lina: Dunno. Rezo: It took an accident to make it happen... AN ACCIDENT! Rezo: Yes, dear friends! That is how I discovered the secret... that elusive ingredient, that SPARK that is the breath of life! Lina: So he's doing the horror-movie cliché? Rezo: YES! I have that knowledge! I hold the secret... to life... ITSELF! Rezo: You see, you are fortunate for tonight is the night that my first beautiful creature is destined to be BORN! Lina: Creature? Rezo: Up now! ...throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator... and step the reactor power input THREE MORE POINTS! Zelgadis: THREE POINTS?!? Naga: THREE POINTS!!! Martina: But the machine can't hold... Rezo: DO IT! Gourry: What's going on? Lina: I don't know, but I hate it! Rezo: Arise, Noonsa! Lina and Gourry: Noonsa? Lina: Yuck! I hate fish! Gourry: Stay back! Rezo: That is no way to behave on your first day out, Noonsa. Noonsa: I'm sorry. Rezo:
