From: Brian Cox (The Editor) 

These are the lines used by the Sacramento, CA cast, Absent Friends.

We tend to have a politically literate audience, so you will find a

number of lines which reflect that, and change with each

passing administration.]

Shamless self-promotion: We perform at the Birdcage Walk Cinemas on Friday

and Saturday nights in Citrus Heights, CA (Sacramento).  Movie starts at

12:30-12:45, but the show starts at midnight.  Visiting casts are

welcome, and if you would like to perform just give me some notice and we

can probably arrange it.

            The Rocky Horror Picture Show


              General Information:

          Audience instructions are in square brackets.  Text in

quotes is to be shouted.  The instruction 'Echo' indicates that the

following line is to be shouted in unison with the film.


    [at opening bars of music,

    "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, God said, 'Let there be

     Lips', and they were.  And they were good."]

Usherette : Michael Rennie was ill

            The Day the Earth Stood still

            But he told us where we stand.  ["On our feet! On your knees!"]

            And Flash Gordon was there

            In silver [echo: "crochless"] underwear, ["Pervert!"]

            Claude Rains was the Invisible Man.

            ["How do you know?"

              I felt for him."]

            Then something went wrong

            For Fay Wray and King Kong;

            They got caught in a celluloid [echo: "sexual"] jam.

            Then at a deadly pace

            It Came From... ["where?"] Outer Space. ["Thank you!"]

            And this is how the message ran:

            ["Freeze, Lips!"]

Chorus:     Science fiction, double feature

            Doctor X will build a creature. ["Bill Clinton"/ "George Bush"]

            See androids fighting ["And fucking and sucking on"]

            Brad and Janet

            Anne Francis stars in ["Deep Throat and"] Forbidden Planet

            Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

            At the late night, double feature, picture show.

[at Charles Gray's name: "Chuckie, Chuckie, he's OK, but he's got no

                          fucking neck!"]

[credits: ad-libs of "Asshole" and "Slut" at Brad and Janet's names;

at Peter Suschitsky's: "What the fuck's a Suschitsky?" --"Polish

diarrhea!"; at Jim Sharman: "Don't squeeze the Charmin!"; at Sue

Blane: "Sue's to Blane" or "Don't Blane Sue!"; point at 'Richard


Usherette(lips): I knew Leo G. Carrol

            Was over [echo: "fucking"] a barrel

            When Tarantula took to the hills. ["Lick it off!"]

            And I really got hot

            When I saw Jeanette Scott  [echo: "Janet's twat"]

            Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills.

            ["What the fuck is a triffid?"]

            Dana Andrews said Prunes

            Gave him the runes [Echo: "...shits"]

            And passing them used lots of skills. ["Yay skills!"]

            But When Worlds Collide,   [clap hands, "Boom!"]

            Said George Powell to his bride,

            "I'm gonna give you some terrible thrills,"

            [echo: "...force feed you some birth control pills."]

            Like a...


Chorus:     Science fiction, double feature

            Doctor X will build a creature. [adlib- pick a famous person]

            See androids fighting ["And fucking and sucking on..."]

            Brad and Janet

            Anne Francis stars in ["Deep Throat II and"] Forbidden Planet

            Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

            At the late night, double feature, picture show.

            I wanna go

            Oh Oh Oh

            To the late night double feature picture show,

            By RKO,  ["What's an RKO?"

                       "A Really Kinky Orgasm"

                       "No, a Rusty Krusty Orgasm."]

            Oh Oh Oh

            To the late night double feature picture show,

            ["Where's the best place to fuck?"]

            In the back row, ["Fuck you in the back row!"

                               Back row: "Fuck the you in front row!"

                               Anyone: "Fuck you both, I'm in the creamy


            Oh Oh Oh

            To the late night, double feature, picture show!

Dentonian:  Here they come! (Dentonians cheer and throw rice) [throw RICE]

Photo:      Let's get a picture.  Close together now.  The parents and

            then the grandparents. Just of the close family.  Ahhh,

            ["Hey, you in front, yeah you, get down."]

            hold that.  Beautiful.  And... (snap)

Ralph:      I guess we really did it, huh. ["You're going to do it tonight."]

Brad:       I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and Betty have

            been almost inseparable [echo: "insufferable"] since you met in

            Dr. Scott's refresher courses.

            [camera turns toward audience: "Yeah, here, camera,etc..."

            audience stands up and waves at the camera.]

Ralph:      Well to tell you the truth, Brad, that's the only reason I

            showed up in the first place. (chuckles)

Betty:      O.K. you guys, this is it. (everyone screams)

Ralph:      Well Betty's going to throw the bouquet.  [throw BOUQUET]

Janet:      ["Who's got syph?  Who's got syph?..."] I got it!  I got it!

Ralph:      Hey big fella,["How would you know?"] looks like it could be

            your turn next, eh?

Brad:       Who knows. ["Who cares?"]

Ralph:      Well, so long, see you Brad.  ["See ya, sucker!"]

            Guess we better get get going now Betty.

            Come on, hop in.

["Think about it Asshole...long and hard."]

["There's a Smurf on the hood.  Kill it Brad... La, la, lalalala, la--"]

(Brad smacks the hood of the car) ["movie 1, Smurfs nothing!"]

[read sign: "Be just and fear not.  Be stoned and feel nothing!  Except,


[When couple is seen running after the car: "the Geritol twins."]

Janet:      Oh Brad, wasn't it wonderful? ["No"]  Didn't Betty look radiantly

            beautiful?  ["No"]  I can't believe it.  An hour ago she was

            [echo: "playing with herself"] just plain old Betty Monroe, and

            now...["doesn't have to."] now she's Mrs. Ralph Hapshatt.

            ["Hapshit, will travel!"

              "Not very far."]

Brad:       Yes Janet, Ralph is a lucky guy. ["No he's not, she's got the

            clap." (CLAP)]

Janet:      Yes.

Dentonian:  I always cry at weddings.  ["I always laugh at funerals!"]

Brad:       Everyone knows that Betty is a wonderful little cook.

            ["She's the hottest baked potato in Denton...yay Denton!  Home

            of the happy hookers."]

Janet:      Yes.

Brad:       Why Ralph himself, he'll be up for a promotion in a year or two.

            ["He'll get a raise tonight!"]

Janet:      Yes.

            DAMMIT JANET

Brad:       Hey Janet.  ["Sit on my face and pedal my ears!"

                          "Sit on my face and floss my teeth!"]

Janet:      Yes Brad?

Brad:       I've got something to say. ["Say it, Asshole."]

Janet:      Uh huh.

Brad:       I really love the... ["Starts with S. Sleazy, slimy"] skillful

            way ["What a fuckin' genius!"]... you beat the other girls...

            ["With whips and chains"] to the bride's bouquet. ["And

            that too."]

Janet:      Oh Brad. ["Flower fucker!"]

            [audience echoes 'Janet's, 'Oh Brad's, 'Dammit, Janet's, and 'Brad

            I'm Mad']

Brad:       The river was deep but I swam it. (Janet)

            The future is ours so let's plan it. (Janet)

            So please, don't tell me to can it. (Janet)

            I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet I love you.

            [echo: "Dammit Janet, I want to screw."]

            The road was long but I ran it. ["Backwards!"]

            There's a fire in my heart [echo: "pants"] and you fan it.

            If there's one fool for you then I am it. (Janet)

            I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet I love you.

            [echo: "Dammit Janet, I want to screw."]

            [draws heart on door: "Look, the door has a heart-on."]

            Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker. [echo: "cheapskate"]

            There's three ways that love can woo. ["42, 69, hike."]

            That's good, bad, or mediocre. ["gay, straight, and bisexual"]

            ["How do you spell slut?"]

            Oh, J-A-N-E-T I love you so. [Echo: "I want a blow"]

["Spin the flowers please, it's a funeral now."]

Janet:      Oh, it's nicer than Betty Monroe had. (Oh Brad)

            Now we're engaged and I'm so glad (Oh Brad)

            That you met Mom and you know Dad. (Oh Brad)

            [echo: " fuck Mom and you blow Dad"]

            I've one thing to say and that's Brad, I'm mad, for you too.

            [echo: "...Brad, I've fucked your sister too."]

            Oh Brad...

            ["Hey Asshole, how do you walk with a hard-on?"]

Brad:       Oh... dammit. [Echo: "Oh...shit."]

Janet:      I'm mad...

Brad:       Oh, Janet.  [Echo: "Oh...shit."]

Janet:      For you.

Brad:       I love you too. [Echo: "I want to screw"]

Brad & Janet: There's one thing left to do - ah - oo. ["Bury a midget!"]

Brad:       And that's go see the man who began it. (Janet)

            [echo: "...let's go fuch the man in the casket."]

            When we met in his science exam - it (Janet)

            ["What the fuck's an exam-it"]

            Made me give you the eye and then panic. (Janet)

            [Echo above line as: "...cum in my hand and then panic"]

            Now I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet, I love you.

            Dammit, Janet.

Janet:      Oh Brad, I'm mad. [echo: "you fag."]

Brad:       Dammit, Janet.

Brad & Janet: I love you.

["The man you are about to see has no fucking neck.  Where's your fucking


Narrator:   I would like ["You would, would you?"], ah, if I may, ["You may

            not!"] take you ["Take me, take me!"] on a strange

            journey.  ["How strange was it?" As Chucky pulls out book:  "So

            strange they made a movie of it; not the book, the movie."]  It

            seemed a fairly ordinary night ["ordinary?"] when Brad Majors

            ["Asshole!"] and his fiancee Janet Weiss ["slut!"], two young,

            normal, healthy  kids ["Normal?"], left Denton that late November

            evening, to visit a Dr. Everett Scott ["Snot" (boos & hisses)],

            ex-tutor, and now friend to both of them.  ["Do you like being

            fucked by a chicken?"] It's true there were dark storm clouds...

            ["Describe your balls!"] heavy, black, and pendulous, towards

            which they were driving.  ["Do you suck the farts out of dead

            sheep?"] It's true, also, that the spare tire they were carrying

            was badly in need of some air ["So's your fucking neck!"], but,

            uh, they being normal kids, ["Normal?"] on a night out... well,

            they weren't going to let a storm spoil the rest of their

            evening, were they?  ["Certainly not"] ...On a night out...

            ["Come a little bit closer, Chuckie..."] it was a night out

            they were going to remember... ["How long?"] for a very long

            time. ["You're so ugly you make the screen melt."]

[in the preceding scene, as Chuckie gets lower to the bottom of the

screen someone right in front of the screen can appear to be climbing his

tie "Spider Man, Spider Man, does whatever a spider can."  Finally they a

fist fuck of his chin. "Fuck that chin, fuck that chin..."]

["Hey Dick, have you ever been a quitter?"]

Nixon:      I have never been a quitter...

[echo windshield wipers: "Now remember it's Left, Right, Left Right.  For

those of you on pot, Left, Right (drawn out).  For those of you on speed,

Left Right Left Right Left Right (fast).  For those of you on acid,

Green, Yellow, Blue, Orange, Purple...  For those of you on crank, Le--"

(falls down dead of a heart attack.)]

            ["Hey, can the slut count?"]

Janet:      Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's passed us.

            ["No, it's the first, bitch.  You just can't count."]

            They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the

            weather and all.

Brad:       Yes, life's pretty cheap to that type. ["I'm that type!"]

Janet:      Oh. ...What's the matter, Brad darling?

Brad:       Mmm. We must have taken the wrong fork a few miles back.

            ["You should have taken the right spoon."]

Janet:      Oh, but where did that motorcyclist come from?  ["Kawasaki"

            "No, it was an Isuzu, trust me."]

Brad:       Hmmm... well I guess we'll just have to turn back.

            ["No Brad, don't!  The cameraman's my brother!"]  (BOOM)

Janet:      Oh! What was that bang?  [The cameraman."]

Brad:       We must have a blowout.  ["Kill the Smurf, kill the Smurf!"]

            DAMMIT!  (smack) ["movie 2, Smurfs nothing!"]

            I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed.

            ["Asshole!"]  Well, you just stay here and keep warm and

            I'll go for help.

Janet:      But where will you go?  We're in the middle of nowhere...

Brad:       ["The castle Brad, remember the castle..."]

            Didn't we pass a castle back down the road a few miles?

            [general cheers] Maybe they have a telephone we could use.

            ["Castles don't have phones, Asshole!"

            "Asshole's don't have castles, telephone!"]

Janet:      I'm going with you.

Brad:       Oh, no, darling, there's no sense in both of us getting wet.

            ["Janet's already wet!"]

Janet:      I'm coming with you!  ["That'll be a first!"]  Besides darling,

            the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman, ["He is!"] and

            you might never come back again.  ["You should be so lucky."]

Brad:       Heh, heh, heh, heh.

            [they get out of the car "Kick it!".  NEWSPAPERS over heads,

            squirt WATER]

            [chicken noises as Janet walks away.]


[When sign saying 'Enter at your own risk' is shown: "Can we have a

 close-up on that sign please?  I paid 4 dollars for this movie and I want

 to see some cheap special effects"  And when lightning flashes on sign,

 "Thank you."]

Janet:      ["Where do you like to matrubate, Janet?"]

            In the velvet darkness, ["between your thighs"]

            Of the blackest night, ["same thing."]

            Burning bright, ["What's up your ass?"] there's a guiding star.

            ["That must hurt."]

            No matter what [echo: "slut"] or who you are.

Brad & Janet: There's a light... [light MATCHES on 'light']

Chorus:     Over at the Frankenstein place.

Brad & Janet: There's a light...

            ["Where do you keep Santa Claus?"]

Chorus:     Burning in the fireplace...

            [MATCHES out on 'darkness' - "Darkness, virgin!" if any lights

             still on]

Brad & Janet: There's a light, light in the darkness of everybody's life.

            ["Sing to us, O hairless one!"]

Riff Raff:  ["Why is there a dick on this man's shoulder?"]

            The darkness must go down the river of night's dreaming.

            Flow morphia slow, let the sun and light come streaming

            Into my life.  Into my life... ["Take your brother down,


Brad & Janet: There's a light...  [MATCHES again]

Chorus:     Over at the Frankenstein place.

Brad & Janet: There's a light...

            ["The BeeGee's should be kept..."]

Chorus:     Burning in the fireplace.

            There's a light, a light

Brad & Janet: [off at 'Darkness'] the darkness of everybody's life.

["And Betsy Ross used to sit home and sew and sew and..."]

Narrator:   And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Brad and Janet and

            that they had found the assistance that their plight required.

            ["Are you sure?"] ...Or had they?  ["Nyah-ha-ha"]

Janet:      Brad, let's go back, I'm cold and frightened...

Brad:       Just a moment Janet, they might have a phone.

            ["It's Scooby-Doo in bondage!"]

            (doorbell rings, door creaks open)  ["Ding-dong, asshole calling

             want to buy some asshole cookies?"

             "No thanks.  I tried them and they tasted like shit!"]

Riff Raff:  ["How do you say 'jell-o' in Spanish?"]


Brad:       Hi! My name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancee, Janet Weiss.

            I wonder if you could help us.  You see, our car broke down

            a few miles up the road... do you have a phone we might use?

            ["Look between Janet's legs!"]

Riff Raff:  You're wet.

Janet:      ["Hey Janet, are you gay?"]

            Yes - ["What's the weather?"] it's raining. ["No shit"]

Bard:       ["Are you gay, Brad?"]


Riff Raff:  ["Are you gay, Riff?"]

            Yes... ["Are you gay, God?"]  (lightning) ["Just kidding."]

            I think perhaps you better both ["get lost"] come inside.

            ["I don't care where you come, as long as you clean it up"

             "I don't care if you clean it up, as long as you come"]

Janet:      You're too kind.  ["No, he's 1kind, he just goes both ways."]

            Oh Brad, I'm frightened.  What kind of a place is this?

Brad:       Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos.

            ["We're wierd, but we sure aint rich."

             "You are according to Bill Clinton."]

Janet:      Oh (forlornly)

["Hey Riff, show us how you finger your sister"]

Riff Raff:  This way... ["I can't get this booger off my thumb."]

Janet:      Are you having a party? ["No, it's my sister's bas period,

            can't you see the blood on my shirt?"]

Riff Raff:  You've arrived on a very special night.  It's one of the

            master's affairs.  ["Which one?  He has so many."]

Janet:      Oh lucky him.

Magenta:    You're lucky, He's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky!

            ["Who's going to pick the splinters out og Magenta's twat?"

             "Who's going to pick the splinter's out of Riff's tongue?"]

            ["Hey Riff, show us your Mummy and tell us about good sex!"]

            THE TIME WARP

Riff Raff:  It's astounding;

            Time is fleeting;

            Madness ["sucks"] takes its toll.

            But listen closely...

Magenta:    ["How long?"] Not for very much longer.

Riff Raff:  ["How many balls do you have?"]

            I've got to keep control.

            I remember doing the time-warp ["Kick, kick"]

            Drinking those moments when

            The blackness would hit me

Riff & Magenta: And a void would be calling...

Transylvanians: Let's do the time-warp again.

            Let's do the time-warp again.

            [echo: "Let's fuck the middle class again..."]

            ["how's it done, Chuckie?"]

Narrator:   It's just a jump to the left.

All:        And then a step to the right.

Narrator:   With your hands on your hips.  [Echo "tits -- or somebody else's"]

All:        You bring your knees in tight.

            But it's the pelvic thrust ["group sex, group sex..."]

            That really drives you insane.

            Let's do the time-warp again.

            Let's do the time-warp again.

            [echo: "Let's fuck the middle class again..."]

Magenta:    It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.

            So you can't see me, ["Do you douche?"] no, not at all.

            ["Smells it."]

            In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention,

            ["Where are your tits?"]

            Well secluded, ["who's balls to you see?"] I see all. ["Oh Shit"]

Riff Raff:  With a bit of a mind flip [echo: "fuck"]

Magenta:    You're into the time slip. ["Fuck that bird!  Grease that pole!

            Eat that bagel!"

            "No thanks."]

Riff Raff:  And nothing can ever be the same.

Magenta:    You're spaced out on sensation.

Riff Raff:  ["What's it like fucking your sister, Riff"]

            Like you're under sedation.

All:        Let's do the time-warp again.

            Let's do the time-warp again.

            [echo: "Let's fuck the middle class again..."]

Columbia:   Well I was walking down the street just having a think

            When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.

            He shook me up, he took me by surprise

            He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.

            He stared at me and I felt a change.

            Time meant nothing, never would again.

All:        Let's do the time-warp again.

            Let's do the time-warp again.

            [echo: "Let's fuck the middle class again..."]

Narrator:   It's just a jump to the left.

All:        And then a step to the right.

Narrator:   With your hands on your hips.

All:        You bring your knees in tight.

            But it's the pelvic thrust

            That really drives you insane.

            Let's do the time-warp again.

            Let's do the time-warp again.

            (Columbia tap-dances  [just before she hits the stairs "Watch

            out!"])   ["2, 4, 6, 8, show us how you masturbate!

            3, 5, 7, 9, That was really assanine.  10-20-30-40, no you make

            me really horny.

All:        Let's do the time-warp again.

            Let's do the time-warp again.

Narrator:   It's just a jump to the left. [Echo: "Get the fuck off the desk"]

All:        And then a step to the right.

Narrator:   With your hands on your hips.

All:        You bring your knees in tight.

            But it's the pelvic thrust

            that really drives you insane.

            Let's do the time-warp again.

            Let's do the time-warp again.

            ["Say something stupid, Brad." ]

Janet:      Brad, say something.

Brad:       Say, do any of you guys know how to Madison? ["I do the rock


Janet:      Brad, please, let's get out of here.

Brad:       For God's sake keep a grip on yourself Janet.

            (music cue softly at first, crescendo up) [tap/clap in time to

            Frank's heel; chant: "oral SEX, anal SEX, SEX with elepants,

            SEX with gerbils..." etc. in time with the music]

Brad:       It's just a party, Janet.

Janet:      Well - I want to go.

Brad:       Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.

Janet:      Well then ask the butler or someone.

Brad:       Just a moment, Janet - we don't want to interfere

            with their celebration.

Janet:      This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad.

Brad:       They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own.

            They may do some more . . . folk dancing.

Janet:      Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared.

Brad:       I'm here - there's nothing to worry about

[just before scream: "with... SEX with Roseanne."]

(Janet screams and faints) [scream]


Frank:      How do you do, I

            See you've met my

            Faithful handyman.

            He's just a little brought down

            Because when you knocked

            He thought you were the candyman. [echo: "cocaine man."]

            Don't get strung out by the way I look.

            Don't judge a book [echo: "dick"] by its cover.

            I'm not much of a man ["no shit"] by the light of day

            But by night I'm one hell of a lover.

            ["Take it off!  Take it ALL off!"]

            I'm just a sweet transvestite

            From Transexual, Transylvania.

            Let me show you around

            Maybe play you a sound.

            You look like you're both pretty groovy. ["Bull shit!"]

            Or if you want something visual

            That's not too abysmal,

            We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie. ["Who the fuck

            is Steve Reeves?"]

Brad:       I'm glad we caught you at home,

            Could we use your phone?

            We're both in a bit of a hurry.

Janet:      ["left"] Right.["left"]

Brad:       We'll just say where we are,

            Then go back to the car.  [Echo:"then go fuck in the car"]

            We don't want to be any worry.  [Echo: "we both want to

            fuck Tim Curry"]

Frank:      Well you got caught with a flat, well, how 'bout that?

            [echo: "...tough shit."]

            Well, babies, don't you panic.  {"It's organic"]

            By the light of the night it'll all seem alright.

            I'll get you a satanic mechanic.  ["S&M!"]

            I'm just a sweet transvestite ["Boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom"]

            From Transexual, Transylvania.

            Why don't you stay for the night?

Riff Raff:  [echo] Night.

Frank:      Or maybe a bite?

Columbia:   Bite.  ["I said a bite, not a whole leg."]

Frank:      I could show you my favourite obsession. ["Sex"]

            I've been making a man ["You call that a man?"]

            With blond hair and a tan ["You call that a tan?"]

            And he's good for relieving my ["anal"]... tension

            I'm just a sweet transvestite ["check him out"]

            From Transexual, Transylvania.

            [echo] HIT IT, HIT IT!

            I'm just a sweet transvestite

Frank, Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta: Sweet transvestite

Frank:      From Transexual,

Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta: Transylvania.

Frank:      So ["What?"] - come up to the lab, [I can't come that high."

             "I can."]

            And see what's on the slab. [Echo: "And fuck me on the slab"]

            I see you shiver with antici - (3 seconds) ["SAY IT!"

            "audience partici-"] - pation.

            But maybe the rain

            Isn't really to blame. ["No, Sue's to Blame (Blane)!"]

            So I'll remove the cause [echo: "Your clothes"]. (chuckles)

            ["What about Bart, Homer, and Marge?"]

            But not the symptom. [echo: "the Simpsons"]

            (applause) (Brad and Janet are given towels)

            ["Janet's on the rag."  "So's Brad."  "Don't forget to

            wipe your asshole."]

Janet:      Thank you.

Brad:       Thank you very much. ["Fuck you very little."]

            (Columbia and Riff Raff start to undress Brad and Janet)

Janet:      Oh!  Brad!

Brad:       It's all right Janet.  We'll play along for now and pull

            out the aces when the time is right. ["We see your aces."]

Columbia:   Slowly, slowly! It's too nice a job to rush. ["Yay rush!"]

Brad:       Hi, my name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancee,

            Janet Weiss; ["Spell urinate!"] you are.. ["I-N-A-T-E, Asshole"]

Columbia:   You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory.

            Some people would give their right arm for the privilege. ["Or

            their left tit"]

Brad:       People like you maybe.

Columbia:   Ha! I've seen it.

            ["Grab something useful, Brad - like a shoe!"]

            (Riff Raff pours wine into a glass, takes a swig from the bottle,

            and lets it drop after Columbia says "Shift it" )

Riff Raff:  Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept waiting.

            ["Riff has a drinking problem - he can't hold his liquor"]

Columbia:   Shift it. ["Pass the bottle Riff.  No, don't drop it.  No!!!"]

["First floor, lamps and shit.  Second floor, stupid questions."]

Janet:      Is he - Frank, I mean - your husband?

Riff Raff:  The master is not yet married, nor do I think he ever

            shall be. We are simply his servants.

Janet:      Oh.

["Third floor, total darkness.  Forth floor, Kermit the Frog in drag."]

["Who's that sailor dressed in green?  That's not a sailor it's a gay

 marine.  Sound off, 1-2.  Sound off 3,4..."]

 ["Sluts first ... Assholes second..."]

 (shows the Transylvanians) ["Look it's the Clinton administration."]

Frank:      ["What's your favorite color?"] Magenta, ["Where do you get your

            drugs?"] Columbia, go assist Riff Raff [Echo: "woof-woof"].  I will

            entertain ...uh huh huh... {"what are you laghing at?"]

            (camera shows Brad) ["oh, now we see."]

Brad:       Brad Majors.  And this is my fiancee, Janet "Vice".

            ["Tight as a vice and twice as nice."]

Janet:      Weiss.

Brad:       Weiss? um

Frank:      ["Say something in French"] Enchante. {"your hand smells

             like tuna"]

            (Janet giggles)

Frank:      Well! how nice.  And what charming underclothes you both have.

            ["Under-roo's, the underwear that's fun to wear."]

            But here.  Put these (smocks) on.  They'll make you feel less

            ["naked"] vulnerable ["same thing"].  It's not often we receive

            visitors here, let alone offer them... hospitality.

            [Echo: "Horse-brutality"]

Brad:       Hospitality!?  All we asked was to use your telephone,

            Goddammit, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore.


Janet:      Brad, don't be ungrateful.

Brad:       Ungrateful! [when Brad removes his glasses, "Super Asshole!"]

            ["Janet, there's a spider on your face, are you giving it head?"]

Frank:      How forceful you are, Brad.  Such a perfect specimen of manhood.

            So...["big"] dominant (crowd has flurry of laughs).

            You must be awfully proud of him, Janet.

Janet:      ["Hey, Janet, are you a slut?"] Well, yes I am. (giggles)

Frank:      Do you have any tattoos, Brad? ["How do you tattoo an asshole?"

             "It takes a really sharp needle"]

Brad:       Certainly not!

Frank:      ["Ask Janet"] Oh well, how about you. (to Janet)

Janet:      No. (giggling) ["Show him the battleship!"]

Riff Raff:  Everything is in readiness, master.  We merely await your

            ["orgasm"] word. ["Shit, my best suit. Shit, my only suit"]

Frank:      ["Hey Frank, when's the orgy, and who's invited?"]

            Tonight, my unconventional conventionalists... you are to

            witness a new breakthrough in biochemical research

            [echo: "biosexual mistakes"]... and paradise is to be mine...

            It was strange the way it happened... suddenly

            you get a break... whole pieces start to fit into place

            ["echo: "sit on my face."], not a sign of being...

            ["What's Dan Quayle?"] what a fool! {"What a tool!"]

            The answer was there all the time, ["42" -- "69"] it took a

            small accident to make it happen... ["What was your birth?"]

            AN ACCIDENT!

Magenta & Columbia: An accident!

Frank:      And that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient,

            ["Who gives the best head in the entire universe?"]

            that SPARK ["but Otto melts in your mouth, not in your hand."]

            that is the breath of life... ["Are you going to fuck

            everyone in the audience tonight?"] Yes, ["Do you know about gay

            sex?"] I have that knowledge...["What do you hold between

            your legs?"]  I hold the secret...["to life?"] to

            life...["Itself?"] itself! (clapping)

            You see, ["No, I'm blind!"] You are fortunate ["to be blind."]

            for tonight is the night that my beautiful creature is

            destined to be BORN!   [echo: "Fucked"]

            (Magenta and Columbia take hold of the cloth)

            ["Count to your favorite number, Frank.  66-67-68..."]

            Up now! ["69"] Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator

            ["first one's easy, second one's a bitch."]... and step up the

            reactor power input 3 more points [echo: "3 more Doritos!"]

            [When Riff turns the wheel, "I think I can, I think I can..."]

            (colorful fluids, etc. in order Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue,

            Indigo, Violet [identify colors as "Red! ...Orange", etc. ])

            ["put your back into it Riff.  No, your other back."]

            (Rocky emits some gutteral garbage)

Frank:      ["Hey Riff, give that man head!"]

            ["Look, it's Ricky Schroeder!"] Oh!  Rocky! {"no, Ricky!"]


Rocky:      The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head,

            And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cutting the thread.

            Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery.

            Oh, can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer.

            I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed.

All:        That ain't no crime.

Rocky:      And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread.

All:        That ain't no crime.

Rocky:      My high is low, I'm dressed up with no place to go.

            And all I know is I'm at the start of a pretty big downer.

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky:      Oh ho no no

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky:      Oh ho no no

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky:      Oh ho no no

Rocky:      The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.

All:        That ain't no crime.

Rocky:      And I've got the feeling someone's going to be cutting the thread.

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky:      Of, whoa with me.

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky:      Oh no no no. ["There's a fag chasing after me."]

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky:      Oh no no no.

               (repeat until end --- Sha-la-la)

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime,

            Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime,


Frank:      Well really.  That's no way to behave on your first day out.

Rocky:      Ugh  Ugh  (forlornly like a puppy dog)

            ["If you're happy and you know if beat your bars, if your happy

             and you know it beat your bars.  If you're happy and you know

             it, and you really want to show it, if you're happy and you

             know it beat your bars."]

Frank:      But since you're such an exceptional beauty, I am prepared to

            forgive you.

            ["I said beat off, not twist off!"]

Rocky:      Ugh  Ugh  (applause) (Rocky [and audience] claps like a child)

Frank:      Oh, I just love success. ["You love anything with SUCk and SEX

             in it."]

Riff Raff:  He's a credit to your genius, master. ["kiss ass"]

Frank:      Yes.

Magenta:    A triumph of your will. ["kiss ass"]

Frank:      Yes.

Columbia:   He's O.K. ["oops"]

Frank:      ["Kill the Smurf!  La, la, lalalala, la--"]

            ok (smack) [movie 3, Smurfs nothing."]

            O.K.!  I think we can do better than that.  Humph!

            ["Get those titties off my tank!"]

            ["The slut lies!"] Well, Brad and Janet, what do you think of


Janet:      ["Lie, Janet!"]

            Well, I don't like a man with too many muscles. ["Just one big


Frank:      I didn't make him... FOR YOU!  ["She gets him anyway!"] He carries

            the Charles Atlas seal of approval. ["arf, arf, arf..."]

            I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN (part I)

Frank:      ["Describe Bill Clinton]

            A weakling weighing ninety-eight pounds

            ["That's two Bill Clintons, and a George Bush"]

            Will get sand in his face

            When kicked to the ground; [echo: "in the groin"]

            And soon in the gym with a determined chin,

            The sweat from his pores as he works for his cause

            Will make him glisten ["What's your favorite toothpaste?"]

            ...and gleam.

            And with massage, and just a little bit of steam, ["Go for it!"]

            ["Missed it, missed it, now you gotta kiss it! That's why he

            missed it"]

            He'll be pink and quite clean

            He'll be a strong man.  ["What's your favorite lubricant?"]

            Oh honey...

All:        But the wrong man.

Frank:      He'll eat nutritious ["I'm nutritions."] high protein

            ["I'm high protein."]  And swallow raw eggs [echo: "my cum"]

            Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and...

            ["Frank, what's your favorite organ?"] legs. ["liar"]

            Such an effort if he only knew of my plan.

            In just seven days...  ["and six long nights"]

Frank & Transylvanians: I can make you a man.

Frank:      He'll do press-ups, and chin-ups, do the snatch, clean and jerk.

            ["off"  "Harder...harder!"]

            He thinks dynamic tension must be hard work.

            Such strenuous living I just can't understand,

            When in just seven days, oh baby, ...["and seven nights"]

            I can make you a man.

Frank:      Ah...ooh!

Columbia:   EDDY!


Eddy:       Whatever happened to Saturday night,  ["Sunday morning"]

            When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright?

            It don't seem the same since cosmic light

            Came into my life, I thought I was divine.

            I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go,

            And listen to the music on the radio;

            A saxophone was blowing on a rock 'n roll show.

            You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time.

[replace with, "Hot pussy, bush my soul.  Sex drugs and rock 'n roll']

            Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.

            Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.

            Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.

            Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.

            My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled.

            My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt.

            I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt

            And she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine.

            Get back in front, put some hair oil on

            Buddy Holly was singing his very last song.

            With your arms around your girl you'd try to sing along.

            It felt pretty good. Woo You really had a good time.

            Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.

            Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.

            Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.

            Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.

             (... for a total of twelve times)

            (Frank attacks Eddy with an alpinist's pick)

            ["For the last damn time.  You can pick your friends, and you

             can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose!"]

Frank:      One from the vaults. (chuckles) ["A greaser from the freezer...

            Like A Bat out of Hell"]

            ["Give those (rubber gloves) to Magenta; she knows what to do

            with bloody rubbers -- Turn them inside-out and use them as

            dinner napkins."]

Rocky:      Ugh... ['master, master, my dick's caught in the door!"]

Frank:      (opens door) ["OUCH!  That fucking hurt."]

            Oh baby... Don't be upset... ["I'm not upset, I'm pissed."]

            It was a mercy killing ["Bullshit.  Cold blooded murder"]

            ... he had a certain naive charm, ["But what about muscle?"]

            but no muscle ["Show him"]  (Rocky flexes a bicep) ...Oh!

            ["Not that muscle, the other one."]

            I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN (part II)

Frank:      But a deltoid and a bicep.

            A hot groin and a tricep.

            Makes me, oooh [Echo: "Boogie with a midget"], shake,

            Makes me want to Charles Atlas by the ["balls"] ...ha-ha-hand.

Frank & Transylvanians: In just seven days I can make you a man.

Frank:      ["Step, strut..."]

            I don't want no dissention, just dynamic tension.

Janet:      ["Sing it, bitch!"]

            I'm a muscle fan. ["Shut up, bitch.  You can't sing."]

Frank:      In just seven days, I can make you a man

            Dig it if you can

            In just seven days, I can make you a man.

            (Frank and Rocky's WEDDING MARCH)

Transylvanians: Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!  Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!

            Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! [throw

            CONFETTI   "Frank be nimble, Frank be quick.  Frank jump up on

            Rocky's dick!"]

Narrator:   ["I say that life is an illusion."]

            There are those that say that life is an illusion ["like

            your neck"], and that reality is but a figment of the imagination

            ["So's your fucking neck!"].  If this is so, then Brad and Janet

            are quite safe, ["unlike your neck"] ... however, the sudden

            departure of their host...and his ["neck"] creation...into the

            seclusion of his somber bridal suite ["Sweet!"] had left them

            feeling both ["Neckless"] apprehensive and uneasy, a feeling

            which grew ["unlike your neck!"] as the other guests departed, and

            they were shown to their separate rooms. ["with the seperate


            (Janet and Brad are shown to their rooms by Riff Raff and Magenta.)

            ["Pink is for virgins, but red is for sluts.

              He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake...

              He knows if you've been fucking good and when you masturbate"


Janet:      Uhh! Who is it? Who's there?

Frank (Brad): It's only me, Janet.

Janet:      Oh, Brad darling, come in. ["I said come in, not come on."]

            Oh! Brad Oh Brad.  Yes, my darling...but what if...

Frank (Brad): ["Don't worry, I brought a rubber!"]

             It's all right, Janet, everything's going to be alright.

Janet:      ["Don't touch the hair!"]

            Oh, I hope so, my darling.  Oh...Ah...ahh OHHH! Oh it's you!

Frank:      ["Give me back my tribble, Janet."]

            I'm afraid so, Janet, but isn't it nice...

Janet:      Oh, you beast, you monster...Oh what have you done with Brad?

            ["Nothing yet, he's saving the best for last"]

Frank:      Oh, well, nothing.  Why, do you think I should?

Janet:      You tricked...I wouldn't have...I've never..never...

Frank:      Yes, yes I know, but it isn't all bad, is it?  ["It isn't

            all Brad, either"]  I think you really found it quite pleasurable.

Janet:      Oh, stop...I mean help...Brad Brad!..Oh Brad!! ["Brad's not down

            there...Brad's never been down there!"]

Frank:      Shhh. Brad's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you


Janet:      Like how??! Oh, it's your're to blame...

            ["No, Sue's to blame; can't you read the fucking credits?"]

            Oh...I was saving myself... ["For what, a rainy day?  Well,

            guess what, it's raining!"]

Frank:      Yes, but I'm sure you're not SPENT yet...

Janet:      Promise you won't tell Brad?

Frank:      Cross my heart and hope to die... ["Stick a dildo in my eye"]

            (assorted sexual noises)

            ["I'm so glad we had this time together..." - sung

            (Riff gives Magenta the rag) ["Here sis, you clean up while I

            go fuck with the baby.  He may be my brother, but he sure

            does has a nice ass.  Servant's entrance in the rear.  That's

            why he's the BUTler"]  (he takes the candleobra) ["Long or

            short, thick or thin, vaseline will get it in.  On your back

            or on your belly, things go best with KY jelly, but that

            candleobra will NEVER, EVER fit!"]

            (Rocky goes down ladder.) ["Mr. Sulu.  Fire photon torpedo

            number one."] (Riff throws candle)

            ["elbow sex, elbow sex..."] (Riff and Magenta rub elbows)

            ["suck her till she squeeks, Riff."]

            (Rocky running outside) ["where's the fucking bathrooom?"]

Frank (Janet): Oh, Brad darling, it's no good here.  It'll destroy us.

Brad:       Don't worry Janet, we'll be away from here in the morning.

Frank (Janet): Oh, Brad you're so strong and protective. ["Don't touch the


Brad:       Ah, ah, ah, oh YOU!

Frank:      ["Hey Brad, why is there a tit on your back?"]

            I'm afraid so, Brad, but isn't it nice...

Brad:       Why YOU!  what have you done with Janet? ["Fucked the shit out of


Frank:      Nothing.  Why?  Do you think I should?

Brad:       You tricked me, I wouldn't have...never...never...never...

            ["Never never?"]

Frank:      Oh Yes yes, I know...but it isn't all bad, is it?  Not even half

            bad, I think you really quite enjoyed it.

            (Brad starts moaning)

Frank:      Oh... so soft...

Brad:       Stop it...stop it...oh Janet...JANET! ["Janet's not there, Janet's

            never been down there!"]

Frank:      Janet's probably asleep by now.  Do you want her to see you like


Brad:       Like this, like how? It's your fault, you're to blame, I thought

            it was the real thing!

Frank:      Oh come on, Brad, admit it, you liked it, didn't you?  It isn't

            a crime to give yourself over to pleasure, Brad. ["It is in New

            Jersey"] We've wasted so much time already...Janet needn't know,

            I won't tell her...

Brad:       Well, promise you won't tell... ["just like a man."]

Frank:      On my mother's gra.oouuuuuu..... ["Don't talk with your mouth



Riff Raff:  Master, Rocky has broken his chains and vanished. Your

            new playmate is loose and somewhere on the castle

            [echo: "coffee"] grounds...Magenta has just released ["her

            sisters"] the dogs...

Frank:      Coming! ["So's Brad!  Not yet" (Frank goes down) "Now he is."]

Janet:      ["3 faces of a slut."]  What's happening here?  ["1"]

            Where's Brad? ["2"]  Where's ANYbody? ["3"]

            Oh, Brad. Brad, my darling ["Janet, my slut!"], how could I have

            done this to you?  Oh!

            ["It was easy, but it would have been easier without the

            pantyhose!"]  (elevator slams) ["women drivers, no survivors."]

            If only we hadn't made this journey... ["But you did!"] if only the

            car hadn't broken down... ["but it did!"] if only we were amongst

            friends... ["But you're not!"] Or sane persons ["Two out of

            three ain't bad"], Oh Brad, Oh Brad,["get butch, bitch"] what

            have they done with him...(she sees him on TV with Frank) Oh,

            Brad, Oh Brad-How could you?

               (Rocky emits moans and general cries of pain)

Janet:      ["Leave him alone, he's monsterbating - Aw shit, caught again!"]

            Oh, but you are hurt ["no shit"]...Did they do this to you?

            ["No, I did it to myself.  That's why it's called self-abuse"]

            I'll dress your wounds...

            ["Hey Janet, make me a 3-piece suit!"  "He's got more hurt than

            you've got skirt"] baby there...let me make it all better.

            [echo: "baby here, baby there, what does baby want to do?

             Baby wants to fuck!"]

Narrator:   Emotion, agitation or disturbance of the mind...Vehement or excited

            mental state.  ["And you can only read about it, shitlips"]  It

            is also a powerful and irrational master and from what

            Magenta and Columbia eagerly viewed on their television

            monitor there seemed little doubt that Janet was, indeed, ["a

            slut"]... its slave.

Magenta and Columbia: [echo] Tell us about it, Janet.


Janet:      I was feeling done in, ["describe the Sacramento Kings"]

            couldn't win.  I'd only ever kissed before.

Columbia:   You mean she...

Magenta:    Uh huh

Janet:      I thought there's no use getting ["laid"]

            Into heavy petting  ["Same thing"]

            It only leads to trouble

            And seat wetting. ["My seat's wet!"

             "So sit back down and enjoy it."]

            Now all I want to know is how to go.

            I've tasted blood [Echo: "come"] and I want more.

Magenta and Columbia: More, ["less"] more,["less"] more ["less"]

Janet:      I'll put up no resistance ["you never did"]

            I want to stay the distance [Echo:"I want to fuck your piston"]

            I've got an itch to scratch

            I need assistance.

            [on 'toucha toucha' etc., run and attempt to touch Janet (on the


            Toucha toucha toucha touch me [Echo: "Fucka-fucka-fuck me"]

            I want to be dirty

            Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me [echo: "Eat me, beat me, mistreat


            Creature of the night.

            (Rocky goes under her leg) ["Looks like beaver, smells like

             fish.  Good place for a stick up."]

            Then if anything grows ["It will!"], while you pose,

            I'll oil you up and rub you down.

Magenta and Columbia: ["up"] Down, ["up"] down, ["up"] down ["up"].

Janet:      And that's just one small fraction ["6/9"] of the main

            attraction, You need a friendly hand and I need action.

            Toucha toucha toucha touch me

            I want to be dirty ["sleazy"]

            Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me

            Creature of the night.

Columbia:   Toucha toucha toucha touch me

Magenta:    I want to be dirty. {"I want to have puppies"]

Columbia:   Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me,

Magenta:    Creature of the night.  {'"Fuck me, I'm a dyke."]

Janet:      Toucha toucha toucha touch me I want to be dirty

            Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me, creature of the night.

Rocky:      Creature of the night

Brad:       Creature of the night?

Frank:      Creature of the night.

Magenta:    Creature of the night.

Riff Raff:  Creature of the night.

Columbia:   Creature of the night.

Rocky:      Creature of the night.

Janet:      Creature of the night.

Riff Raff:  Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!  Merrrrrcy! (being whipped by Frank)

Frank:      How did it happen?  ["Beats me"]  I understood you were to be

            watching... ["thank you master, may I have another."]

Riff Raff:  I was only away for a minute...["Doing what?"] master ["bating"]

Frank:      Well, see if you can find him on the monitor.

            ["Frank, how's your backhand" (whips Riff) "needs work"]

            (screen shows Brad) ["He never beat me like that."

             "You never asked."]

Riff Raff:  Master, master...we have a visitor.

Brad:       ["Brad, who do you want to blow?"]

            Hey, Scotty! ...Dr. Everett Scott.

Riff Raff:  You know this earthling...this person?

            ["Watch it, O'Brien, fuck you Curry, I wrote this script!"]

Brad:       Why yes.  He happens to be an friend ["echo: "fuck"] of mine.

Frank:      ["R"] I see. ["K-- spells Rick"]

            So this wasn't simply a chance meeting.  You came here

            with a purpose. [Echo: "...on a porpoise."]

Brad:       I told you, my car broke down.  [echo: "it was a dolphin."]

            I was telling the truth.  ["Super assholes never lie."]

Frank:      I know what you told me, Brad...but this Dr. Everett Scott, his

            name is not unknown to me.

Brad:       He was a science teacher at Denton High School.

Frank:      ["Here titty, titty, titty.  He titty ... general cheers]

            And now he works for your government, doesn't he, Brad? he's

            attached to the bureau of investigation of that which you call

            UFO's!!!  Isn't that right, Brad?

Brad:       He might be...I don't know.

Riff Raff:  The intruder is entering the building, master.

Frank:      He'll probably be...entering the Zen room. ["Not the Zen Room!"]

            ["Look at the roaches in this place -- wish my house had roaches

            like that"] Shall we inquire of him in person?

            ["Not the triple-contact faggot-magnet!"]


            [When Dr. Scott passes through Columbia and Magenta's room,

            "Ring around the lesbians - fucking tourists!"]

            ["Hey Kool-Aid!"] (crash through wall)

Brad:       Great Scott! ["Suck my cock."]

Dr. Scott:  Frankenfurter, we meet at last. ["No, we meet at first"]

Brad:       Dr. Scott!

Dr. Scott:  Brad! What are you doing here? ["Oh, just fucking around"]

Frank:      Don't play games, Dr. Scott.  You know perfectly well what

            Brad Majors is doing here. ["Getting good head"] It was part of

            your plan, was it not?  That he and his female should check the

            layout for you ["and get laid out"].  Well, unfortunately for

            you all, the plans are to be changed.  ["They still got laid

            out"]  You must be adaptable, Dr. Scott; I know Brad is.

            ["Aw, you promised you wouldn't tell!"]

Dr. Scott:  I can assure you that Brad's presence here comes as a complete

            surprise to me ["when Brad comes, it's always a surprise."].

            I came here to find Eddy.

Brad:       Eddy!  I've seen him!

Frank:      What do you know of Eddy, Dr. Scott?

Dr. Scott:  ["Get conceited!"]

            I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things.  You see

            Eddy happens to be my nephew. [echo: "my dinner"]

               (Frank gasps)

Brad:       Dr. Scott. ["Mouseketeer roll call sound off now!"]

Janet:      Ah!  ["You blew it, bitch!"]

            [echo three rounds of 'Janet... etc.' add "Uh" for Rocky]

Dr. Scott:  Janet!

Janet:      Dr. Scott!

Brad:       Janet!

Janet:      Brad!

Frank:      Rocky!

               (Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)

Dr. Scott:  Janet!

Janet:      Dr. Scott!

Brad:       Janet!

Janet:      Brad!

Frank:      Rocky!

               (Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)

Dr. Scott:  Janet!

Janet:      Dr. Scott!

Brad:       Janet!

Janet:      Brad!

Frank:      Rocky!

               (Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)

Frank:      Listen...I made you...and I can break you just as easily.

            ["break me, master!"]

Magenta:    (GONG) Master, dinner is prepared! ["Would you let this woman

             serve you dinner?"

             "That woman IS my dinner."]

Frank:      ["No thanks.  I had tube steak and it was..."]

            Excellent.  Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be

            optional. ["To-ga, to-ga..."]

Narrator:   Food has always played a vital role in Life's rituals.

            The breaking of the bread, the last meal of the condemned man, and

            now... this meal.  However informal it might appear, you can be

            sure that there was to be little, bonhommie.

            (Dinner is served, the clatter of dishes is heard, the electric

            slicer is used to slice up the meat (by Frank)) ["Meat Loaf

            again!?"  "It slices, it dices, it circumcises and makes Julienne

            fries, whatever the fuck they are.  Transvestites start your

            engines! ... All sliced up and no place to go - woo!"]

Frank:      A toast [throw TOAST] absent friends...

All:        To absent friends.

Frank:      and to Rocky.

            ["and now for a song even the virgins will know."]

            ["Hey Riff, deal me a slice. ... He really knows how to fling his


Dr. Scott:  We came here to discuss Eddy. [echo: "digest Eddy"}

Columbia:   Eddy. (Frank threatens her with the slicer)

            ["Shut up, bitch, or you'll be dessert."]

Frank:      That's a rather tender subject.  Another slice anyone?

           ["Janet gets it...Brad gets it...Dr. Scott gets it...Rocky

            gets it, but he doesn't care.  He'll eat anybody."]

Columbia:   Excuse me (Scream on exit) ["What's the matter, Columbia,

             it's only ketchup."]

Dr. Scott:  I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was worse than I


            ["Who the fuck are you talking to?  Who the fuck are we talking


Rocky:      Ugh?

Brad:       Doctor Scott!

Frank:      Go on, Dr. Scott.  Or should I say Dr. Von Scott. ["Sieg, Hiel"]

Brad:       Just what exactly are you implying?

Dr. Scott:  It's all right!

Brad:       Doctor Scott!

Scott:      It's all right, Brad.


            ["How long was he gay?"]

            From the day he was born ["Not the night but the day"]

            He was trouble.  ["Fat as a bubble and nothing but trouble"]

            He was the thorn  ["Not the rose but the thorn"]

            In his mother's side. [echo: "pussy"]

            She tried in vain... ["Not the artery but the vein"]

Narrator:   ...but he never caused her nothing but shame.  ["look, it's

             Wistler's Meat Loaf."]

Scott:      He left home the day she died.

            ["Birdcage Conemas presents, Rockin Dr. Scott!"]

            From the day she was gone ["Bop shebop bop"]

            All he wanted ["Was Dr. Scott's cock"]

            Was Rock 'n' Roll porn  ["and kinky sex"]

            And a motorbike. ["Whoooooo..."]

            Shooting up junk... [echo: "drugs"]

Narrator:   He was a low down cheap little punk! ["Yay punks!"]

Scott:      Taking everyone for a ride.

[echo: "When Eddy said he finger fucked his teddy,

        you knew he was a no good kid.

        But when he threatened your thighs with a dick this size."]

All:        When Eddy said he didn't like his Teddy

            You knew he was a no-good kid.

            But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife

Frank:      What a guy!

Janet:      Makes you cry.

Scott:      Und I did.

Columbia:   Everybody shoved him.    ["Everybody fucked him"]

            I very nearly loved him.   ["I very nearly sucked him"]

            I said, hey, listen to me;   ["I said, hey Eddy, screw me"]

            Stay sane inside insanity!   [Stay hard and firm inside of me"]

            But he locked the door and threw away the key.

            ["But he pulled it out and he came all over me."]

Scott:      But he must have been drawn  ["with a pencil or a pen"]

            Into something, ["What the fuck's a zum-zing?"]

            Making him warn ["not you but..."]

            Me in a note that reads...

All:        [echo] What's it say?  What's it say?

Eddy:       I'm out of my hed. ["spelled wrong"]

            Oh, hurry, or I may be dead. ["spelled right"]

            They mustn't carry out their evil deed. (scream)

All:        When Eddy said he didn't like his Teddy

            You knew he was a no-good kid.

            But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife

Frank:      What a guy!

Janet:      Makes you cry.

Scott:      Und I did.

All:        When Eddy said he didn't like his Teddy

            You knew he was a no-good kid.

            But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife

            [Echo: "...with a ball-point pen"]

Frank:      What a guy! ["What does Santa say?"]

All:        Oh-oh-oh...

Janet:      Makes you cry. ["What does Fat Albert say?"]

All:        Hey, hey, hey...

Scott:      Unt I did. ["What the fuck is an Unt?"

             It's a cunt without a C, and what you 'C' is what you get."]

            ["I fuckin' HATE celery!"]

            (All scream)

Frank:      Rocky!  How could you? (slaps Janet)

            (general mayhem as Frank chases Janet.  Riff and Magenta laugh,

            until Riff suddenly says "Shut up!" [which the audience echoes])

            WISE UP

            I'll tell you once;  I won't tell you twice.

            You'd better wise [echo: "douche"] up, Janet Weiss.

            Your apple pie don't taste too nice.

            You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss.

            I've laid the seed; it should be all you need.

            You're as sensual as a pencil, wound up like an E or first string.

            When we made it, didja hear a bell ring? [ring BELL]

            Ya gotta block?  Well, take my advice.

            You better wise up, Janet Weiss.

            The transducer will seduce ya.

Janet:      My feet!  I can't move my feet!

Scott:      My wheels!  My God, I can't move my wheels!

Brad:       ["My socks!"] It's as if we're glued to the spot!

            [echo: "Oh my god, I can't move my socks."]

Frank:      You are!  So quake with fear, you tiny fools!

Janet:      We're trapped!

Frank:      (sung)  It's something you'll get used to.  A mental mind fuck

            can be nice.

9Riff and company enter) ["Doesn't anybody use the door anymore?"]

Scott:      You won't find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine.

            This sonic is, I suppose, some kind of

            audio-vibratory, physio-molecular transport device?

Brad:       [echo] You mean... ["A vibrator!"]

Scott:      Yes, Brad, it's something we ourselves have been working on

            for quite some time ["a working vibrator"].  But it seems our

            friend here has found a means of perfecting it ["the perfect

            vibrator"].  A device capable of breaking down ["a broken

            down perfect working vibrator"] solid matter and then

            projecting it through space and, who knows, perhaps even

            time itself. [an inderdimensional broken down perfect working


Janet:      You mean he's going to send us to another planet?

Frank:      Planet, shmanet, Janet!

            You better wise up, Janet Weiss.

            You better wise up, build your thighs up,

            You better wise up

Narrator:   And then she cried out...

Janet:      Stop! [Echo: "More!"]

Frank:      Don't get hot and flustered!

            Use a bit of mustard.

Brad:       You're a hot dog, but you better not try to hurt her, ["with

            your 2 inch"] Frank Furter.

            (Freeze - Brad)

Scott:      You're a hot dog, but you better not try to hurt her,

            ["Oscar Meyer"] Frank Furter.

            (Freeze - Scott)

Janet:      You're a hot dog --

            (Freeze - Janet) ["Shut up, bitch."]

            ["Who's Tim Curry?"]

Columbia:   My God! ["Mine too!"] I can't stand any more of this!

            ["So sit down"]  First you spurn me for Eddy, and then you

            throw him off like an old overcoat for Rocky!  You chew people

            up and then you spit them out again... ["Bad blow job, huh"]  I

            loved you ["What did you say?"]..d'ya hear me!  I loved you!

            And what did it get me? ["A hole in your shirt!"]  Yeah, I'll

            tell you - a big nothing.  ["At least it was big!"]  You're

            like a sponge.  You take, take, take, and drain others of their

            love and emotion.  ["echo: "come and erection"] Yeah, well,

            I've had enough! ["Peek-a-boo!"]

            You're gonna choose between me and Rocky, so named because of the

            rocks in his head. ["Nobody flashes their tit at me and

            gets away with it!"](freeze)

            [BLT.  Big Left Tit.  Now we know which side Eddy sucked on.]

Frank:      It's not easy having a good time... ["what do you say after 500

            blow jobs"] ...even smiling makes my face ache.. and my

            children turn on me... Rocky's behaving just the way Eddy

            did. ["Show us your ear!  ear-gasm.  His only virgin orafice."]

            Do you think I made a mistake, splitting his brain

            between the two of them?

Magenta:    Ahhhh!  I grow weary of this world!  When shall we return

            to Transylvania, huh? ["Vendnesday, Vhen else?"]

Frank:      ["She's not gone till you see the whites of her eyes...going..."]

            Magenta, I am indeed grateful to both you and your brother

            Riff Raff.  You have both served me well.  Loyalty such as yours

            shall not go unrewarded.  You will discover that when the mood

            takes me, I can be quite generous. ["she's gone"]

Magenta:    I ask for nothing, master.

Frank:      And you shall receive abundance! ["Yo, ho, ho and a

            bottle of..."] Come, we are ready for the floor show.

            ["The cripple gets fucked over again.  That's statutory rape!"]

Narrator:   ["Mister, you've got my gerbil in your hands.  Don't squeeze

             my gerbil, Mister!"]

            ["Why is there an air conditioning vent on this man's desk?"]

            And so, by some extraordinary co-incidence, fate, it seemed,

            had decided that Brad and Janet should keep that appointment with

            their friend, Dr. Everett Scott.  But it was to be in a situation

            which none of them would have possibly forseen.  And, just a few

            hours after announcing their engagement, Brad and Janet had both

            tasted ["Frank's cock"] ...forbidden fruit.["same thing"]

            This in itself was proof that their host was a man of little

            morals ["yay, little morals!"]...and some persuasion.

            ["the gay persuasion"] What further indignities were they to be

            subjected to?  And what of the floor show that is spoken of?

            ["Chuckie, where do you fuck boy scouts?"] In an empty

            house? ["When do fuck boy scouts?"]  In the middle of the night?

            ["Rates are cheaper"..."You pay to fuck boy scouts?"]

            What diabolical plan had seized Frank's crazed imagination?

            What indeed?  From what had gone before, it was clear that

            this was to be... ["Can we have a picnic?"] no picnic.

            ["Aw shit, and I brought the ants!"]

            ROSE TINT MY WORLD

            A. FLOOR SHOW

[Ladies, this is what will happen to you if you don't swallow."]

            (Frank is running around making preparations while the others are

            frozen on the stage.  Unfreeze - Columbia)

Columbia:   ["Describe the Reagan presidency."]

            It was great when it all began.

            I was a regular Frankie fan.

            But it was over when he had the plan

            To start a-working on a muscle man.

            Now the only thing that gives me hope ["is smoking dope"]

            Is my love of a certain dope.

            [echo: "Is my fantasy of fucking the Pope."]

            Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

            (Unfreeze - Rocky)

Rocky:      I'm just seven hours old, ["and can't dance"]

            And truly beautiful to behold.

            And somebody should be told ["I can't sing."]

            My libido hasn't been controlled.

            Now the only thing I've come to trust ["Is Janet's bust"]

            Is an orgasmic rush of lust.

            Rose tints my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

            (Unfreeze - Brad)

Brad:       ["What's two plus two?"]

            It's beyond me; ["What do you say when you masturbate?"]

            help me Mommy!

            I'll be good; you'll see.

            Take this dream away.

            What's this? ["The floor!"] Let's see, ["you're left leg"]

            I feel sexy! [echo: "I feel Sheer Energy"]

            What's come over me?

            Wo!  Here it comes again.

            (unfreeze - Janet)

Janet:      I feel released [echo: "real cheap"]; bad times deceased.

            My confidence has increased [echo: "in my crease"]

            reality is here.  The game has been disbanded;

            my mind [echo: "twat"] has been expanded.

            It's a gas that [echo: "show us where..."] Frankie's landed!

            His lust is so sincere.


Frank:      Whatever happened to Fay Wray?

            ["She got fucked by a 40 foot ape with balls the size of

             watermelons and a 3 foot dick"]

            That delicate, satin-draped frame?

            As it clung to her thigh,

            How I started to cry

            ["You'd cry too if you got fucked by a 40 foot ape."]

            'cause I wanted to be dressed just the same.

            [echo: "by Sue Blane."]

            ["Kick that dick... OUCH!"]

            Give yourself over to absolute pleasure.

            Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh.

            Erotic nightmares, ["describe your penis"] beyond any measure

            And sensual daydreams to treasure forever.

            Can't you just see it?  ["NO!"] Oh, oh, oh.

            Don't dream it, be it. (four times)

            ["Waiter, there's a fag in my soup - shut up, everybody'll

             want one... The link between man and God is a Transvestite...

             Hey God, get your finger out of my ass... Now we know why

             the Titanic went down.  Frank sucked all the seamen out."]

            ["Last one in the pool stars in Shock Treatment."]

All:        Don't dream it, be it. (twelve times)

            (Unfreeze - Scott.)

Scott:      Ach! ["Choo!  Bless you!"]  We've got to get ["the fuck"] out of

            this trap before this decadence ["Yay, decadence!"] saps our wills.

            I've got to be strong["like a good condom"], and try to hang

            on ["like a good condom"], or else my mind may well snap ["like

            a bad condom."]  and my life will be lived.. for the thrills!

Brad:       It's beyond me;  help me Mommy!

Janet:      God bless Lilly St. Cyr.


Frank:      ["Hey Frank, whose pool is is?"]

            My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my,!

            I'm a wild and an untamed thing.

            I'm a bee with a deadly sting.

            You get a hit and your mind goes ping.

            Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.

            So let the party and the sounds rock on.

            We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.

            Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

All:        We're a wild and an untamed thing.

            We're bees with a deadly sting.

            You get a hit and your mind goes ping.

            Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.

            So let the party and the sounds rock on.

            We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.

            Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

            (two times)

Riff Raff:  Frank N Furter, it's all over.

            Your mission is a failure;

            Your lifestyle's [echo: "hairstyle's"] too extreme.

            I'm your new commander;

            You now are my prisoner.

            We return to Transylvania.

            Prepare the transit beam.

            ["Hey Magenta, there's an orgy in the parking lot."]

Frank:      Wait!  ["What did you say when your mother caught you

            butt-fucking the dog?"] I can explain.

            ["This better be good, you fucking died last week."]

            (Frank gives instructions to Columbia and Rocky)  ["You get

            the lights... you get the purple onion... I'm going get

            it up the ass."]

            I'M GOING HOME

            ["Ladies and gentlemen, for one night, and one night only

             Liza Manelli with Alfalfa's shadow and Buckwheat's dick

             singing 'I'm Going Homo!'"]

Frank:      On the day I went away...

All:        Goodbye...

Frank:      Was all I had to say...

All:        Now I... ["Now you die!']

Frank:      I want to come again ["and again, and again"], and stay. ["hard"]

All:        Oh, my, my...

Frank:      Smile, and that will mean I may. ["Brad's gay"]

            'cause I've seen, oh, blue skies

            ["The Rocky Horror Picture Show too many fucking times."]

            Through the tears in my eyes

            And I realize, I'm going home. [Echo: "I'm fucking stoned"]

All:        I'm going home.

            (Frank's hands come down) ["I look like Greg Brady on acid."]

Frank:      ["Where do you fuck?"]

            Everywhere ["how's it been?"] it's been the same...

All:        ...feeling...

Frank:      ["What's a golden shower feel like?"]

   I'm outside in the rain...

All:        ...wheeling...

Frank:      ["How much is a blowjob?"]

   to try and find a game...

            ["No thanks, I'll pass anyway."]

All:        ...dealing...

Frank:      ["What are Macy's credit cards for?"]

   for sorrow, cards for pain. [throw CARDS]

            'cause I've seen, ["Brad naked"] oh, blue skies

            Through the tears in my eyes

            And I realize, I'm going home.

Frank & All: I'm going home. (3 times)


Magenta:    How sentimental. ["You bitch!"]

            (Frank turns around and sees the house empty)

            ["Look, it's a Michael Jackson concert-- such a Thriller they

             all Beat It!  No, It's a Tiffany concert-- 'I think I'm

             alone now.'  No, It's a Steve Wonder concert-- shhh, don't

             tell him."]

Riff Raff:  And also presumptuous of you.  You see, when I said WE were

            to return to Transylvania, ["I was speaking French"]  I referred

            only to Magenta and myself.  I'm sorry, however, if you found

            my words misleading, but ["F"]  you see ["K-- spells fuck], you

            are to remain here, ["how"] in spirit, anyway.

Scott:      Great heavens!  That's a laser!

Riff Raff:  Yes, Dr. Scott.  A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure

            anti-matter.  ["Does that mean it doesn't matter?"]

Brad:       You're going to kill him?  What's his crime?

Scott:      You saw what became of Eddy.  Society must be protected.

            ["Fuck society before it fucks you!"]

Riff Raff:  Exactly, Dr. Scott.  And now, Frank N Furter, your time has

            come.  ["even time comes in this movie."]  Say goodbye to all of

            this, ["Goodbye, all of this"] and hello ["Hello"] to

            oblivion. ["Hi, oblivion, how's the wife and kids?"]

            ["A blink of the eye, a twitch of the lips,

              First one to scream gets it in the tits!"]

            (Columbia screams - gets zapped)

            (Frank screams - gets zapped)

            ["I paid 4 fucking dollars and I want to see Magic

            Johnson's dick!  Thank you."... "He's not dead yet ... he's

            dead now" - when Rocky falls on him... "

            "Chest of steel...shoulder of steel...back of steel...

            transvestite of steel"]

            (Rocky and Frank climb tower) ["Get your hand off of my ass!"]

            ["Takes it like a true tranvestite, right up the ass."]

Janet:      Oh!  You killed them! ["No shit!"]

Magenta:    But I thought you liked them.  They liked you.

Riff Raff:  ["Get paranoid!"] They didn't like me!  ["Get real paranoid!"]

            He never liked ME!

Scott:      You did right. ["Kiss ass, parapeligic Nazi fuck!"

            Shoot a cripple, take your parking place back!"]

Riff Raff:  A decision had to be made. ["Magenta had to get laid"]

Scott:      You're O.K. by me. ["Brown-noser"]

Riff Raff:  Dr. Scott, I'm sorry about your... ["sex life"] nephew. ["Same


Scott:      Eddy? ["No, Penelope!"]

            Yes, well, perhaps it was all for the best, heh, heh, heh.

Riff:       You should leave now, Dr. Scott, while it is still possible.

            We are about to beam the entire house to the planet of Transexual,

            in the galaxy of Transylvania ["just outside og Fresno!"]

            Go.  Now. ["Does this mean we can keep the costumes?"]

            Our mission is completed, my most ["Hideous Q-Tip"]  beautiful

            sister ["If that's the beautiful one, I hate to see the ugly

            one"], and soon we shall return to the moon-drenched shores of

            our beloved planet ["Go for the Oscar Magenta."]

Magenta:    Sweet Transexual, land of night.  To sing and dance once more

            in your dark take that step to the right...

            ["show us your karate"]

Riff Raff:  But it's the pelvic thrust...

All (flashback):  That really drives you insay-ya-yaaaane...

Magenta:    In our world, we'll do the Time Warp again!

            ["Stop the world, I want to get off!"]

            ["Oh shit, there went North Korea."]

Narrator:   And crawling ["where?"] on the planet's face ["What's that

            crawling on your balls"]

            Some insects ["must be crabs"] called the human race...

            ["For the last time!  Where's your fucking neck?"]

            Lost in time

            ["What's your favorite TV show beside Star Trek?"]

            And lost in space  ["This movie lacks plot..."]

            And meaning.  ["Once more for the virgins."]

All:        Meaning.

            ["You forgot to turn off the globe!"

             "Fuck the globe, turn off that spot on the screen"

             "Thank you"]