by Joe Blevins (a.k.a.

Rocky (a squirrel)
Bullwinkle (a moose)
Riff-Rotten (a butler)
Dementia (a maid)
Dr. Bad-N-Uff (a nutcase)
Clodumbia (a nutcase's assistant)
Crocky Horrible (a robot with no lines)
Narrator (a know-it-all)

[Scene One]
[Pan across sleepy little town of Frostbite Falls with charming little
houses and shops.  Off-screen narrator speaks...]

NARRATOR:  I would like, if I may, to take you to the lovely little
community of Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, home of the man with the world's
biggest thumb...

[Quick cut to man in overalls modeling huge thumb to onlookers with
cameras.  Back to original scene...]

NARRATOR:  ...and also our heroes, Rocky and Bullwinkle.

[We eventually reach a tiny little cottage on the edge of Frostbite Falls.
 Cut to interior of cottage.  Bullwinkle, a moose, is watching TV, while
Rocky, a squirrel, is frying eggs in a skillet.]

VOICE ON TV:  I have never been a quitter.  To leave office before my term
is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body...

BULLWINKLE: (snapping off TV) Gee, Rock, I'm bored.  There's nothin' on TV
except for this Nichard Rixon fella.

ROCKY:  Well, why don't you play cowboys and Indians like you usually do
when you're bored?

BULLWINKLE:  I can't, Rock.

ROCKY:  Why not?

BULLWINKLE:  Well, you know that imaginary horse thief I was after?

ROCKY:  Yeah.  What about him?

BULLWINLKLE:  He stole my imaginary horse.

ROCKY: (in disbelief) Stole your imaginary horse?

BULLWINLKLE:  Yeah, and I can't pretend to go anywhere without my horse.

ROCKY:  Why not?

BULLWINKLE: (reverently, with hand on heart) It's against the Cowboy Code
of Honor.

ROCKY:  Hmmmm.  What do you want to do, then?

BULLWINKLE:  I say we go out and have an adventure.

ROCKY:  Why do you say that?

BULLWINKLE:  'Cause we have an adventure every week at about this time,
that's why?

[Rocky turns to the audience and shrugs.]

[Scene Two]
[Rocky and Bullwinkle are driving down a deserted road in a beat-up old
jalopy.  Rocky's at the wheel; Bullwinkle's in back strumming a ukulele.
The sky is gray and cloudy.

NARRATOR:  That kind of reasoning was hard to argue with, and our boys
were soon out on the road.  It's true there were dark storm clouds --
heavy, black, and pendulous -- toward which they were driving.  It's true

BULLWINKLE:  Hey, Narrator, knock it off!  You're gonna jinx us!

NARRATOR:  Oh, sorry.

[Suddenly, we hear a loud "boom."  Rocky stops the car.]

ROCKY:  What was that?

BULLWINKLE:  Gee, it must've been something I ate.

ROCKY:  No, I don't think so.  We probably just caught a flat tire.

BULLWINKLE:  How about that!  And I wasn't even fishing for a flat tire.

ROCKY:  Hey, Bullwinkle, where's the spare tire in this car?

BULLWINKLE:  You mean that big, black ring in the trunk?

ROCKY:  Yeah.  That's the one.  Where is it?

BULLWINKLE:  I ate it.

ROCKY:  You ate it?!?

BULLWINKLE:  Yeah.  I thought it was an industrial-sized donut!  No wonder
it tasted so funny.

ROCKY:  Well, without another tire this car isn't going anywhere.  We'll
have to look for help on foot.  Oh well, at least it isn't raining.

[Suddenly, it starts pouring down rain.]

BULLWINKLE:  You had to say something, didn't you?

[Scene Three]
[Rocky and Bullwinkle are walking down the road amidst the pouring rain.
Bullwinkle shield himself with a comic book.  They come upon a sign.

ROCKY: (reading the sign) "Big Scary Castle one mile ahead.  Enter at your
own risk.  Tourists welcome."  Well, what do you think, Bullwinkle?

BULLWINKLE:  You mean I gotta choice?

ROCKY:  I guess you're right.  The audience would be disappointed if we
didn't check it out.

BULLWINKLE: (to audience) Hope you're happy, audience!

[Scene Four]
[Rocky and Bullwinkle are now at the front door of the big, scary castle.
Rocky rings the doorbell, which plays a funeral march.

BULLWINKLE:  Gee, Rock, I don't know about this.  Even the doorbell gives
me the creeps.

ROCKY:  Relax.  We're the good guys.  Nothing bad ever happens to the good

BULLWINKLE:  Oh, yeah.  I almost forgot.

[A short, bald butler with a thin mustache and an Eastern-European accent
opens the door.  He looks remarkably like a certain Pottsylvanian spy we
all know.]

RIFF-ROTTEN: (rudely) Vat do you vant?

ROCKY:  Uh, we just, want to use the telephone.  I'm Rocky, and
this is Bullwinkle.  Our car broke down at the beginning of this cartoon.

RIFF-ROTTEN:  You're all vet.

BULLWINKLE:  Of course we're all wet.  It's been rainin' cats and dogs.

[Bullwinkle is conked on the head by a falling cat.]

RIFF-ROTTEN:  No, I meant your sorry jokes vere all vet.

ROCKY:  Well, can we come in and use the telephone or not?

RIFF-ROTTEN:  Sure.  Eef you're villing to pay da fee, dat is.

ROCKY:  You charge people a fee to use the telephone?

RIFF-ROTTEN:  Ve got to make money somehow.  How else ve gonna do it?

BULLWINKLE:  Y'know, he's got a point, Rock.

ROCKY:  OK, it's a deal, but something sure smells fishy around here.

BULLWINKLE:  It must be my new cologne -- Eau de Trout.

[Rocky and Bullwinkle cautiously enter the creepy castle.]

NARRATOR:  And so, fate it seems, had smiled on our heroes, Rocky and
Bullwinkle.  But what awaits them inside this maniacal mansion, this
hideous hacienda, this dreary dwelling, this...

RIFF-ROTTEN:  Enuff already vith dese corny jokes.

[Scene Five]
[Rocky, Bullwinkle, and the butler are all standing in the dusty,
cobweb-filled foyer of the house.]

ROCKY:  Hey, we didn't catch your name.

RIFF-ROTTEN:  Dat's because I didn't drop it.

ROCKY:  Now who's doing the corny jokes?

RIFF-ROTTEN:  Sorry 'bout dat.  I'm Riff-Rotten, the butler, at your

BULLWINKLE:  That sure is a strange name, Mr. Atyourservice.

RIFF-ROTTEN:  I'm a strange guy.

[Suddenly, a woman enters the foyer.  She's tall, thin, pale-skinned, and
decked out in a maid's uniform.  She, too, speaks with an Eastern-European
accent and looks familiar.

DEMENTIA:  Hello, darlink!

ROCKY:  Who's that?

RIFF-ROTTEN:  Genteelmen, meet my sister, Dementia.  She verks here, too.

BULLWINKLE: (quietly, to Rocky) As what, a hat rack?

ROCKY: (impatient)  Can we use the phone now?

RIFF-ROTTEN:  Sure, but vurst I vant you should meet my boss.

ROCKY:  Uh...OK, but could you make it quick?  We're both in a bit of a

RIFF-ROTTEN:  I'll go get him.  Be right back.  Come along, Dementia.

DEMENTIA:  I'm comink, darlink.

[Riff-Rotten and Dementia walk off, leaving Rocky and Bullwinkle alone.]

ROCKY:  Gee, Bullwinkle, I'm starting to think you were right about this

BULLWINKLE:  Yeah.  Even the cobwebs got cobwebs!

[Quick as a wink, a man and woman who look suspiciously like Riff-Rotten
and Dementia in disguise enter the foyer.  The man is now wearing
high-healed platform shoes, fishnet stockings, a pearl necklace, and a
surgical gown.  The woman is dressed in what looks like a Rockettes
outfit, complete with sequined top hat and tap shoes.

ROCKY:  Who are you?

BAD-N-UFF: (in very phony-sounding English accent)  Allow me to introduce
myself.  I'm Dr. Bad-N-Uff.

BULLWINKLE: (secretly, to Rocky)  He sure dresses bad enough.

BAD-N-UFF:  And this is my assistant, Clodumbia.

CLODUMBIA: (in equally phony Betty Boop voice) Oh hi!

BAD-N-UFF:  How may I be of service?

ROCKY:  We just want to use your telephone, gosh darn it!  A reasonable
request, which you've chosen to ignore!

BAD-N-UFF:  You can use the telephone...if you do me a little favor, that

ROCKY:  At this point, I'm willing to do anything to use the phone.  You
got a deal.

BULLWINKLE:  Uh, Rocky, I'm not so sure about this.

NARRATOR:  As impossible as it may seem, Bullwinkle was right for once.
Oh, if only Rocky had known what he was getting into!  What diabolical
plan had seized Bad-N-Uff's crazed imagination?

BAD-N-UFF: (to Narrator)  Just wait a second.  You'll see.

[Scene Six]
[We are now in Bad-N-Uff's laboratory, filled with strange machines,
blinkling lights, and test tubes.  Rocky and Bullwinkle are both strapped
to tables.  A third table is covered with a cloth.  Bad-N-Uff washes his
hands in a sink and holds his arms out.  Clodumbia dries the doctor's arms
and places pink rubber gloves on his hands.]

ROCKY:  Uh, what exactly are you going to do, Dr. Bad-N-Uff?

BAD-N-UFF:  Oh, just a little research, that's all.

ROCKY:  What kind of research?

BAD-N-UFF:  Well, if you must know, I'm going to remove your brains and
transplant them into my new monster, Crocky Horrible.  Clodumbia, show
them the monster.

[Clodumbia pulls away the cloth from the third table, revealing a tan,
muscular robot.]

CLODUMBIA:  Ta-daaaa!

BULLWINKLE:  Gee, Rock, I can't afford to give away any brains.  I didn't
have that many to start with!

NARRATOR:  It looks like this could be the end for our heroes!

BULLWINKLE:  Hey, Narrator, I told you not to jinx us!

NARRATOR:  Will our heroes, Rocky and Bullwinkle, be able to escape the
evil clutches of Dr. Bad-N-Uff?  Or will they have to give up their brains
and be forced to make a living writing cartoon shows?  Make sure to be
with us for our next exciting episode...


[PART 2]

Note:  This will make no sense unless you've read the first one, and
even then it won't make all that much sense

by Joe Blevins (a.k.a.

Rocky (still a squirrel)
Bullwinkle (still a moose)
Dr. Bad-N-Uff (still a nutcase)
Clodumbia (still a nutcase's assistant)
Dementia (still a maid)
Crocky Horrible (still gets no lines)
Narrator (still a know-it-all)
Dr. Capt. "Wrongway" Von Scoff (an uncle)
Spaghetti (a nephew)
Fearless Leader (a real meanie)

[Scene One]
[We are once again in Dr. Bad-N-Uff's laboratory.  Rocky and Bullwinkle
are strapped to tables.  Bad-N-Uff and his assistant, Clodumbia, are busy
adjusting knobs and dials on the various machines in the lab]

NARRATOR:  As you may remember from our last episode, the adventurous
spirit of our heroes, Rocky and Bullwinkle, had led them to the castle of
Dr. Bad-N-Uff, who was about to remove their brains and transplant them
into his "creation," Crocky Horrible.  Little did the mad doctor know that
Rocky was secretly planning an escape.

ROCKY:  (whispering to Narrator)  Shhhhh!  If you don't keep it down,
everyone will know I'm planning an escape!

BAD-N-UFF:  Clodumbia, is everything ready for our -- heh, heh --

CLODUMBIA:  Everything is in readiness, Master.

BAD-N-UFF:  I just want to be extra careful. It's not often we receive
visitors here.  We can't afford to screw up, like we did last time with
that chump, Spaghetti.  You got my scalpel?



BAD-N-UFF:  My hack saw?


BULLWINKLE:  Double gulp!

BAD-N-UFF:  My hypodermic needle?


BULLWINKLE:  Triple gulp!  I hate needles worse than hack saws!

BAD-N-UFF:  My lucky hat?

CLODUMBIA:  Oops!  Must've forgotten it.  Oh well...

BAD-N-UFF: (steamed) You nincompoop!  We can't do the operation without my
lucky hat.  We'll have to go look for it.

[Bad-N-Uff and Clodumbia exit the lab, leaving Rocky and Bullwinkle

BULLWINKLE:  Gee, Rocky, you gotta get us outta here.  I'm too big a TV
star to die!

ROCKY:  Relax, I got a plan.  If you can break my strap with your antlers,
I'll set you free, and we can get outta here.

BULLWINKLE:  OK, Rocky, I'll give it the old grade school try.

ROCKY:  That's college try.


[Bullwinkle cranes his neck over to Rocky's table and, with a little
effort, is able to break the strap with his antlers.   Once freed, Rocky
undoes Bullwinkle's strap.]

ROCKY:  Now listen closely, Bullwinkle.  If we're gonna get out of here,
we'll have to do it quietly.  No loud noises, you understand?

BULLWINKLE:  Gotcha!  Gee, it's good to be free!

[Bullwinkle stretches his arms, which knocks over one of the machines.
This starts a chain reaction, with one machine knocking over the next
until all the equipment in the lab is overturned.  Naturally, this causes
a thunderous crash.  Bad-N-Uff, who's now sporting a black fedora, rushes
back into the lab with Clodumbia.]

BAD-N-UFF:  What's all that noise?  How did you two get loose?

BULLWINKLE:  It's the darnedest thing!  This boy scout happened by, you
see, and...

BAD-N-UFF:  Silence!  One false move, and I'll pull this lever.

[He indicates a lever on the wall marked "For Stopping Mooses and
Squirrels in Their Tracks."]

ROCKY:  Gee, what'll that do?  Turn us into stone?

BAD-N-UFF:  Even better.  It turns you into liver pate!

ROCKY & BULLWINKLE:  Liver pate?!?

BAD-N-UFF:  Sure.  If unexpected guests show up, we'll have something to
snack on.  Besides, I wouldn't want to turn you to stone.


BAD-N-UFF:  People might take you for granite.

BULLWINKLE:  (to audience)  I had to ask!

[Scene Two]

NARRATOR:  Well, it looked like our heroes were about to be turned into
liver pate, when all of a sudden...

[Unexpectedly, a man in a wheelchair crashes through the wall of the
laboratory.  He is dressed in a naval uniform with medals and a cap.  He
has this crazy look on his face and speaks with a very cartoony,
half-insane, half-moronic voice.]

ROCKY:  Hokey smokes!

BULLWINKLE:  Jumpin' Gee Horse Fat!  It's our old friend, Captain
"Wrongway" Von Scoff.

SCOFF:  That's Doctor Captain "Wrongway" Von Scoff now, Bullwinkle.

BULLWINKLE:  You're a doctor.

SCOFF:  Sure, all I had to do was send in $1.95 and two box tops from
Sugar-Coated Crunchy Flakes, and they sent me an honorary degree.

ROCKY:  Why'd you crash through the wall like that?

SCOFF:  'Cause I couldn't find the door, that's why!

BAD-N-UFF:  (suspicious)  All right, what are you doing here?

SCOFF:  I came here to find my nephew, Spaghetti.

BAD-N-UFF & CLODUMBIA:  Spaghetti?!?

ROCKY:  I didn't know you had a nephew!

SCOFF:  Well, Spaghetti was nothing to be proud of.  In fact, you might
say he was a real tough cookie.  A bad egg.  A tough nut to crack.  A...

ROCKY:  OK, we get the picture.  But why do you say that?

SCOFF:  Well, it all started when Spaghetti was a little boy...

[Cut to flashback scene of mean-looking tyke with greasy hair and a scar
on his forehead.  The little boy is shown beating up a variety of children
his age.]

SCOFF'S VOICE:  He was the enforcer for a protection racket by the time he
was five years old!

[Cut to next flashback scene.  The boy is now a teenager with a leather
jacket.  He's still as mean as ever and is shown stealing an old woman's
cane and beating on the head with it.]

SCOFF'S VOICE:  Then, when he got older, he started victimizing the
elderly and stealing their Social Security checks.

[Cut to montage of hoodlum in action: smashing windows, egging houses,
setting dogs' tails on fire, etc.]

SCOFF'S VOICE:  As the years went on, Spaghetti got worse and worse.  He
was involved in every low-down, dispicable business there was.  Yup,
Spaghetti made Al Capone look like a girl scout in comparison.  You might
say he was completely anti-social, if it weren't for one thing...

[Back to original scene in Bad-N-Uff's lab.]

ROCKY:  What's that?

SCOFF:  He wrote his mother a letter every day...even when he was in

BULLWINKLE:  Awww.  Isn't that sweet.

SCOFF:  Well, it was sweet until a few weeks ago.  That was when he sent
her this letter.

[Scoff produces a letter from his jacket.]

SCOFF:  (reading the letter)  "Dear Mommy, I am trapped in a big scary
castle with a mean doctor who wants to hurt me.  Please send someone out
to rescue me before it's too late!  By the way, you may want to stop by
the post office.  They got a real nice mug shot of me on the wall."  And
it's signed, "Spaghetti."

BULLWINKLE:  That Spaghetti sounds more like a meatball to me!

SCOFF:  Well, you can imagine my surprise upon hearing the letter.  And
since this was the only big scary castle in the neighborhood, I decided to
give it a try.

BAD-N-UFF:  You've come to the right place, but Spaghetti is -- uh, busy
at the moment.  Maybe now would be a good time to have dinner.

BULLWINKLE:  Oh, goody!  I always eat dinner in the middle of the night.
What are we having?

BAD-N-UFF:  Well, I've got some leftover spaghetti.  Come on, Clodumbia,
we'll go fetch Dementia.

[Scene Three]
[Rocky, Bullwinkle, Bad-N-Uff, and Scoff are sitting at a long table in a
dining room.  Dementia half-heartedly plops some spaghetti on each plate.
Clodumbia and Riff-Rotten are conspicuously absent.]

NARRATOR:  Food has always played a vital role in life's rituals, and
rolls have always been a vital food in life's rituals.  Especially
crescent rolls.  But that does little to explain this meal...

ALL AT TABLE:  Hey, Narrator, can it!

ROCKY:  Hey, Bad-N-Uff, how come you and Riff-Rotten are never in the room
at the same time?

BULLWINKLE:  Yeah.  And how come whenever Dementia shows up, that
Clodumbia always disappears?

BAD-N-UFF:  Uh, that's because Clodumbia and Riff-Rotten are...uh, shy
around people.


BULLWINKLE:  (nudging Rocky)  Hey, Rock, don't say anything, but this
spaghetti tastes funny.

BAD-N-UFF:  (overhearing him)  That's because it's made with my own
special recipe.

ROCKY:  What do you put in it?

BAD-N-UFF:  Well, let's see.  A dash of pepper, a hint of oregeno, and a
heaping tablespoon of...

[Bad-N-Uff pulls away the table cloth to reveal a skeleton encased in the
clear glass table.]

BAD-N-UFF:  ...your nephew!

[Everyone stops eating and backs away from the table.]

BULLWINKLE:  You mean to say the "spaghetti" we were eating was actually
Dr. Capt. Von Scoff's nephew, Spaghetti?

BAD-N-UFF:  You better believe it, baby.

BULLWINKLE:   Gee, I've heard of Hungry Man dinners before, but this is

ROCKY:  Uh, I think we've lost our appetites.  Maybe we should go.

SCOFF:  That's a good idea, Rocky.  We don't want to bother this nice man
any more.

BAD-N-UFF:  Not so fast, you three.  We still have some unfinished
business to attend to!

ROCKY:  Uh, we've really got to go.  Come on, Bullwinkle!

[Rocky takes off down the hall at lightning speed.  Bullwinkle, pushing
Dr. Capt. Von Scoff's wheelchair, follows him.  Dr. Bad-N-Uff and Dementia
are soon in hot pursuit.  Eventually, the chase leads back to the lab.]

BAD-N-UFF:  Well, now I've got you cornered.  There's no getting away now.
 Not once I pull this lever!

NARRATOR:  Oh, would Bad-N-Uff be so cruel as to actually turn Rocky,
Bullwinkle, and Von Scoff into liver pate?

BAD-N-UFF:  You bet I would, buster!  Heh-heh-heh.

[Bad-N-Uff pulls down on the lever.  Rocky, Bullwinkle, and Von Scoff are
transformed into lifesize liver pate statues.]

DEMENTIA:  Vot are you goink to do vith dem, darlink?

BAD-N-UFF:  (no longer bothering with the phony British accent)  You dress
dem up nice and put them on stage in de ballroom.  You'll see.

[Scene Four]
[We are now in a large room with a stage and seats for an audience.  The
liver pate statues of Rocky, Bullwinkle, and Von Scoff are dressed up in
women's lingerie.  Bad-N-Uff and Dementia are standing in front of the
stage next to another lever.]

BAD-N-UFF:  Ven I pull dis lever, dose statues vill come alive and sing my

DEMENTIA:  Dat's amaizing, darlink!

BAD-N-UFF:  It should be.  Dis set-up cost me $1.95 and two box-tops from
Sugar-Coated Crunchy Flakes!  Vell, here goes something...

[Bad-N-Uff pulls the, lever.  The "statues" come alive and
begin to sing.]

ROCKY, BULLWINKLE, & SCOFF:  For he's a jolly bad fellow
                                                     For he's a jolly bad
                                                     For he's a jolly bad
                                                     Which nobody can deny

BAD-N-UFF:  You hear dat, Dementia?  Music to my ears!

[Suddenly, a tall, mean-looking man in a military uniform enters the
ballroom.  He has a monocle and a scar on his face.  He carries a walking

FEARLESS LEADER:  (with Eastern-European accent)  Bad-N-Uff, you ninny!
You were supposed to be conquering the vorld vith dat Crocky Horrible
robot of yours.  But instead you're putting on musical numbers!

[Bad-N-Uff falls to his knees and grovels.]

BAD-N-UFF:  Fearless Leader!  I can explain!

FEARLESS:  No excuses, Bad-N-Uff.  Your mission is a failure.  Your
incompetence is too extreme.  From now on, I'm the new commander.  You are
now my prisoner.  We'll return to Pottsylvania.  Prepare a submarine!

BAD-N-UFF:  I vas, I mean...

[Fearless Leader starts hitting Bad-N-Uff on the head with his walking

FEARLESS LEADER:  I thought I told you to be quiet, you incompetent fool!

BAD-N-UFF:  (between whacks)  Please, stop!...Ouch!...That hurts!...Ouch!

[Meanwhile, Rocky, Bullwinkle, and Von Scoff are no longer under
Bad-N-Uff's control.  They look around suspiciously at the ballroom.]

BULLWINKLE:  Gee, Rocky, how'd we get here?  And what am I doing in my
skivvies?  I don't even wear skivvies.  Especially girls' ones.

ROCKY:  I don't know, Bullwinkle, but it looks like Bad-N-Uff's got his
hands full at the moment, so now would be a perfect time to get out of

[Scene Five]
[Rocky, Bullwinkle, and Von Scoff are now travelling down the road outside
the big, scary castle.  The sun is coming up on the horizon.

BULLWINKLE:  Gee, Rock, does this mean we don't get to use the phone?

ROCKY:  I guess so.  We'll have to find help somewhere else.  I think
there's a TV station down the road.  It's called DTV or something.  Maybe
they can help us.

BULLWINKLE:  Gee, that sound swell.  I've always wanted to see how real TV
shows get made!

[The group walks off into the distance, except for Scoff, who rolls into
the distance.]

NARRATOR:  And so ends another exciting adventure of Rocky and Bullwinkle,
two mere pimples on the planet's face -- lost in time, and...

ALL:  Aw, knock it off!

[As closing credits roll, we hear a singer...]

SINGER:  *Bye Bullwinkle!  Goodbye Rocky!
                Your adventures -- sure got schlocky!
                That mean old doctor -- looked so spooky
                And that Dementia -- acted so kooky
                Whoh oh oh ohhhhhh
                That the end of -- this moronic -- cartoon show
                We gotta go
                Woah ohhhhhh
                That's the end of -- this moronic -- cartoon show

[*sung to the tune of "Science Fiction, Double Feature (Reprise)"]


[Note:  I worked hard on this, so I'd appreciate some feedback.  And
thanks to the nice people who said they liked the first one.]