AP Script of the 2000 RHS Revival
Pamela Gittlitz; a Rocky Horror Idiot Savant [Sarafina1313@go.com]

****NOTE***** This is just all the lines that I have heard. By no means will this be a complete list. Lines are made up all the time. Some lines may have only been used once, but they are funny nonetheless. As this is an INTERACTIVE show, I have also included some moments of the actors speaking to the audience. Also, I use the name 'Dick' as the narrator, even though there have been numerous ones. He's the original revival narrator and will always have a place in my heart. Also, some lines yelled to Dick are personalized for him only. If a line doesn't work with a certain narrator or actor, DON'T USE IT. You'd feel like a fool. Phrases in brackets ( [] ) are actions, phrases in these things ( { " " } ) are call lines. Questions? Comments? E-mail me at: sarafina1313@iu.zzn.com Basic Info about the Rocky Horror Show Revival Live: Played at: Circle in the Square, 50th street, W. of Broadway Show opened: Nov. 15, 2000 Show closed: Sept. 23, 2001 (mainly due to September 11th) Show Re-opened: Oct. 30, 2001 Show Re-closed: Jan 6, 2002 Cast List (at time of Closing, and in random order): Frank- Terrence Mann Riff Raff/Usher- Sebastian Bach Magenta/Usherette- Daphne Rubin-Vega Columbia-Liz Larson Brad-John Jeffrey Martin Janet- Kristen Lee Kelly Eddie/Dr. Scott- Jason Wooten Narrator- Dick Cavett Phantoms- Kevin Cahoon, James Stovall, Yassmin Alers, Jon Sharp, Rosa Curry, Matt Morrison Understudies- John Jeffrey Martin, Jim Orsono, Denise Summerford **************************************************************************
Pre-Show/Overture [Phantoms come out as early as 20 minutes before show time and start doing lap-dances and other interactions with the audience.] Announcer (Frank): Hello Ladies and Gentlemen, and all you virgins in the house. The Rocky Horror Show is about to begin, and aren't you are all shivering with antici-pation? I do, however, ask that you grant me a few, small, tiny requests: we love your enthusiasm, we adore your partici-pation, we worship your very presence in the theater; but please, don't throw anything at the cast on stage, we bruise easily. Go ahead and throw things, just not at us. Also, the taking of photographs is a no-no. The use of recording devices: big no-no. And put those beepers and cell- phones on vibrate, you'll LOVE it. So sing with us, dance with us, ROCK OUT with us...this is the Rocky Horror Show! { cheers } Random Phantoms: Gimme an "R" { "R!" } Gimme an "O" { "O!" } Gimme a "C" ( "C!" } Gimme a "K" { "K!" } Gimme a "Y" { "Y!" } What's that spell? { "ROCKY!" } What's that spell? { "ROCKY!" } (Cheering) PROLOGUE MAGENTA: Michael Rennie was ill { cheering as Magenta appears } (As Usherette) The day the earth stood still But he told us where we stand { "on our feet!" } And Flash Gordon was there In silver { echo "crotchless" } underwear Claude rains was the invisible man { "how'd you see him?" "She fell for him!" or "outta sight!" } Then something went wrong For Fay Wray and king { echo "fucking" } Kong They got caught in a celluloid jam { "my favourite kind!" } Then at a deadly pace It came from {echo "It came on" or "I came on" "where?" } outer space { echo "Janet's Face!" "thank you" } And this is how the message ran. CHORUS: { clap on the beat } Science fiction - double feature Phantoms do the Dr X { "sex sex sex" } will build a creature Ooh etc. See Androids fighting { "and fucking and sucking on" } Brad and Janet Anne Francis stars in { "deep throat, the sequel to" } forbidden planet Oh - at the late night double feature Picture show RIFF RAFF: I knew Leo G. Carrol { cheers again } ( As Usher ) was over { echo "fucking" } a barrel When tarantula took to the hills And I got really hot When I saw Jeanette Scott { echo "Jen and Scott" } Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills Dana Andrews said prunes Gave him the runes { echo "shits!" } And passing them used lots of skills But when worlds collide (CLAP! "BOOM!" ) Said George Pal to his bride Give you some terrible thrills Like a - CHORUS: Science fiction - double feature Phantoms do the Dr X { "sex sex sex" } will build a creature Ooh etc. See Androids fighting { "and fucking and sucking on" } Brad and Janet Anne Francis stars in { "deep throat, the sequel to" } forbidden planet Oh - at the late night double feature Picture show USHERETTES: I wanna go to the late night double feature Picture show By RKO, at the late night double feature Picture show In the back row { "Fuck the back row!" "Fuck the front row!" "Orgy in the middle!"} At the late night double feature { "Rocky Horror!" } Picture show ( song ends. applause, Usherettes skip off as curtain behind them opens to reveal a movie screen displaying a church. Movie plays during next scene.) SCENE ONE Wedding bells are ringing - (Phantom voices: Watch out for the flowers... ) BRAD and JANET are both breathless. JANET: Oh Brad, wasn't it wonderful { "No!" } - didn't Betty look radiantly beautiful { "No!" } - I can't believe it ( cheering ) - just an hour ago she was plain old Betty Monroe { echo "The Ho" } and now she's Mrs. Ralf Hapshatt. { "half-shit!" } BRAD: Yes, Janet - Ralf's a lucky guy. ( cheering ) (people leave the church in the movie behind them. They turn to wave.) JANET: Yes. BRAD: Ralf himself will be in line for promotion in a year or two. { "If he doesn't fuck her first!" } JANET: Yes. BRAD: Hey, Janet... JANET: Yes, Brad? BRAD: I've got something to say { "say it asshole!" } I really loved the { "starts with an 's', 'sk-sk'" "skittles?" or "ska music?"} skillful way{ "What a fucking genius" } You beat the other girls to the bride's bouquet (Phantoms) The river was deep but I swam it. (Janet) The future is ours so let's plan it. (Janet) So please don't tell me to can it. (Janet) {echo "Shut up" } I've one thing to say and that's ... Damn it - Janet - I love you. { echo "I wanna screw" } (Phantoms) The road was long but I ran it. (Janet) There's a fire in my heart and you fan it. (Janet) If there's one fool for you then I am it. (Janet) I've one thing to say and that's ... Damn it - Janet - I love you. { echo "I wanna screw" } Here's a ring to prove I'm no joker { echo "asshole" or "that I play poker" } (Bell voices) There's three ways that love can grow PHANTOMS: How can it grow? How can it grow? That's good - bad - or mediocre { echo "That's gay, straight or bisexual" } PHANTOMS: That's good - bad - or mediocre Oh J-A-N-E-T - (Janet echoed B. backing voices) I love you so. (Phantoms) JANET: Oh it's nicer than Betty Monroe had. (Oh Brad) Now we're engaged and I'm so glad. (Oh Brad) That you've met Mom and you know Dad. (Oh Brad) { echo "that you fuck mom and you blow dad" } I've one thing to say and that's .... Brad - I'm mad - for you too. Oh Brad. BRAD: Oh damn it. { echo "oh shit!" } JANET: I'm mad. { echo "I'm pregnant!" } BRAD: Oh Janet. { echo "oh shit!" } JANET: For you. { echo "It's not yours!" ) (Phantoms) BRAD: I love you too - there's one thing left to do... { "Screw!" } and that's.... Go see the man who began it (Janet) When we met in his science exam it (Janet) Made me give you the eye and then panic (Janet) Now I've one thing to say and that's .... Damn it - Janet - I love you. Damn it Janet. JANET: Oh Brad I'm mad. BRAD: Damn it Janet. BOTH: I love you. { echo "I sniff glue." ) -------------- DICK: (Dick's speech...then) I would like { "You would, would you?" } - if I may { "you may not!" } - to take you { "take me!" } on a strange journey. { "how strange was it, Dick?" } { "So strange they brought it back for 10 more weeks!" or "So strange they made a play about it!" or "So strange they got 'insert special guest narrator's name here' to narrate!" } New people, It's a little like gospel night here at Rocky. { "Amen." } It seemed a fairly ordinary night When Brad Majors { "asshole!" } I remember opening night when I thought that was for me { "It is!" } ...How many people think this is a fun job? Hands... Anyway, I forgot to mention his fiancée' Janet Weiss { "slut!" "Not yet, give her time!" } { "That one's for you, Dick!" } Slut, that's for me? Hell, that makes since. There was a difficult time in my life when I needed money... They were two young ordinary healthy kids who left Denton, or Denten that late November evening to visit a friend, a Dr. Everett Scott {"great Scott!" "holy shit!" "What the fuck?" "Oh crap!"} ex tutor and now friend to both of them... It's true there were dark storm clouds { "Describe your balls, Dick!"} Back here it probably sounded like 'describe your balls'... That's what it was. Let me try to explain this, the Rocky people know the script perfectly, I mean they're Idiot Savants really --- and they can come up with often very witty lines to be used at Rocky Horror events and here. This is one of those. I like this one. It makes the next thing said funny. Let me show you... It's true there were dark storm clouds { "Describe your balls, Dick!"} heavy - black and pendulous { "I said your balls, not Oprah Winfrey's tits!" } That little mechanism will be used throughout the show.. toward which they were driving, is the rest of that sentence. It's also true that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air { "like your fucking neck, you neckless fuck!" }... How about 'Fuck your necklace?'... Charles Gray was mentioned here, another Asterisk-- Charles Gray plays the narrator in the movie and his chin is like this, so he appears to have no neck. And so people shout things like 'Where's your neck?', 'Who sold you that neck?', 'Put some air in your neck!' to have more fun at the movie. This isn't the movie now, is it?... - but they being normal kids and on a night out - well - they were not going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening. It was a night out they were going to remember for a very - long - time. Ha, ha. Thank you. SCENE TWO A car approaching through a stormy night. CAR STOPS. (Phantoms imitate windshield wipers. They stop when they hear the bang) BRAD: Hmmm... JANET: What's the matter, Brad darling? BRAD: I think we took the wrong fork a few miles back. We'd better go on ahead up the road and see if we can find our way back. (They move off) BLOWOUT JANET: What was that bang? { "gang-bang" } BRAD: We seem to have a blow-out in the front left-hand tire. JANET: Oh... (pause) (LIGHTNING) BRAD: You'd better stay here and keep warm while I go for help. JANET: But where will you go? We're in the middle of nowhere. { "What's white and sells hamburgers?" } BRAD: Didn't we pass a castle a few miles back? { cheering } Maybe they have a phone I might use. { "castles don't have phones, asshole!" "Yes they do. They have Princess Phones." } JANET: I'm coming with you. { "That'll be a first!" } BRAD: There's no point in both of use getting wet. { "Too late!" } JANET: I'm coming with you. Besides, darling, the owner of the phone may be a beautiful woman, { "he is!" } and you may never come back. { "you should be so lucky!" } BRAD: Ha Ha Ha. JANET: I'm just teasing. (Phantoms take up the laughter - They exit) (put NEWSPAPER or PLAYBILL over head) (MUSIC) JANET: In the velvet darkness of the blackest night burning bright { "what's up your ass?" } - there's a guiding star { "that must hurt!" } { "Will you fuck me no matter what?" } no matter what { "Or who I are?" } or who you are. BRAD & JANET: There's a light ( light FLASHLIGHT or LIGHTER until chorus ends. Repeat throughout song. ) ALL: Over at the Frankenstein place BRAD & JANET: There's a light ALL: Burning in the fireplace JANET: There's a light... Light in the darkness of everybody's life. BRAD: I can see the flag fly I can see the rain Just the same - there has got to be Something better here - for you and me BRAD & JANET: There's a light ALL: Burning in the fireplace BRAD: There's a light... Light in the darkness of everybody's life. RIFF RAFF: (appears from admist the phantoms) The darkness must go Down the river of nights dreaming Flow morphia slow let the sun and light Come streaming ( streaming ) into my life ALL: Into my life JANET & BRAD: There's a light ALL: Over at the Frankenstein Place JANET & BRAD: There's a light ALL: Burning in the fireplace There's a light - light JANET & BRAD: In the darkness of everybody's life. JANET: (screams) BRAD: It's all right, Janet. JANET: Oh Brad let's go back. I'm cold and I'm frightened. BRAD: Just a moment, Janet, they may have a telephone. (girl phantom stands on stage a la the door and bears her chest) { "try the left knocker!" "Or the right one!" "Ding dong, asshole calling, like to buy some asshole cookies?" "They taste like Shit!" "They're made from real assholes!" or "Riff-o where-o will-o you-o go-o when-o you-o die-o?" or "Riff, say 'Jell-O' in Spanish!" } RIFF RAFF: (Looking past them as if for others, or someone else) Hello. BRAD: Oh: Uh: Ahh: Hi there, we're in a bit of a spot, I wonder if could you help us - our car is broken down about 2 miles back { "Bullshit! You got a flat!" } - do you have a phone we might use... RIFF RAFF: { "Look between Janet's legs!" } (pause) You're wet. { "No shit, Sherlock!" } JANET: Yes - the rain has been very heavy. BRAD: Yes. RIFF RAFF: Yes - (lightning) (laughs) I think you better both { "Fuck off!" } come inside. { "I don't care where you come as you clean up after" } JANET: { "What's one kind plus one kind?" } You're too kind. RIFF RAFF: (mocking) You're too kind!...WAIT HERE! NARRATOR: And so - after braving the inclement weather - it seemed that fortune had smiled on Brad and Janet, I mean that in a loving and caring way, and that they had found the assistance that their plight required - or had they ? { "Muhahahahaha!" } - There was certainly something about this house, to which, a flat tire and a wet night had brought them, that made the both of them feel a bit uneasy [ Dave Holmes added- "also the fact that Sebastian Bach answered the door" ] But, if they were to reach their destination that night, they would have to ignore such thoughts and take advantage of whatever help, ha ha ha ha, was offered. SCENE THREE Interior DIMLY LIT. JANET: (looking around) Oh Brad what sort of a place is this? I'm frightened. BRAD: { "Describe the White House!" } It's probably some sort of hunting lodge for rich weirdos { "Yay, rich weirdos!" } - Janet, you're shivering. JANET: I'm wet! BRAD: Here, take off your sweater. Everything will be fine. (She smiles) JANET: Oh! (RIFF RAFF appears with COLUMBIA and MAGENTA and phantoms) BRAD: Hi, um...if we could use your phone, we'll be moving right along. I'm sure you've got a lot of things to do and a great evening planned. RIFF RAFF: Oh yes, you've arrived on a very special night. { "Arbour Day!" } It's one of the master's affairs. { "Which one?" "All of them!" } JANET: Well, lucky old him. MAGENTA: He's lucky - I'm lucky - you're lucky we're all lucky... COLUMBIA: All except Eddie. RIFF RAFF & MAGENTA & PHANTOMS: SSHHH!!! JANET: Eddie? PHANTOMS: SSHHH!!! MAGENTA: The delivery boy. COLUMBIA: His delivery wasn't good enough. RIFF RAFF: The master only wanted to help the boy better his position. BRAD: That's very commendable... RIFF RAFF: Yes, it seems like only yesterday since he went... JANET: Went Where? MAGENTA: To pieces. (MAGENTA, COLUMBIA and RIFF RAFF sing) RIFF RAFF: It's astounding - Time is fleeting Madness takes its toll { "69 cents please" } But listen closely {" For how long?" } MAGENTA: Not for very much longer. RIFF RAFF: I've got to keep control. I remember doing the time warp Drinking those moments when The Blackness would hit me { "Ouch!" } - The void would be calling ALL: Let's do the Time Warp again (twice) NARRATOR: It's just a jump to the left ALL: And then a step to the right NARRATOR: With your hands on your hips ALL: You bring your knees in tight TRIO: But it's the pelvic thrust That starts to drive you insane ALL: Let's do the time warp again (twice) MAGENTA: It's so dreamy - oh Fantasy Free Me So you can't see me - { "do you douche?" } no not at all { "Where do you fuck?" } In another dimension { "how do you fuck?" } - with voyeuristic intention { "Where are your tits?" } Well secluded - { Flip off Magenta and say "Do you see this?" } I see all With a bit of a mind flip - you're there in the time slip And nothing will ever be the same You're spaced out on sensation MAGENTA & RIFF: Like you're under sedation Let's do the time warp again (twice) COLUMBIA: Well I was walking down the street Just having a think When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink Well it shook me up, it took me by surprise He had a pick up truck and the devil's eyes Oh - he stared at me and I felt a change Time meant nothing - never would again ALL: Let's do the time warp again (twice) CHORUS REPEAT (COLUMBIA plays guitar to half a verse of "Time Warp") RIFF RAFF: It's just a jump to the left. MAGENTA: And then a step to the right. RIFF RAFF: Put your hands, on your hips. MAGENTA: You bring your knees in nice and tight! RIFF RAFF: THRUST!! ALL: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's do the Time Warp again (twice) REPEAT CHORUS. (Song ends. Phantoms all fall down.) JANET: Wow. That was very nice. Brad can we go now? BRAD: Just a moment, Janet. They may have a telephone. JANET: This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad. BRAD: They're probably foreigners (all look at him) with ways different than our own. They may do some more folk-dancing. { echo "Fuck Dancing" } JANET: I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared! (We are aware of FRANK entering - lights COME UP. BRAD and JANET whirl around see FRANK. Freeze) FRANK: How do you do I see you've met my faithful handyman { echo "hand-job man" } He's just a little brought down Because when you knocked { "He rang!" } He thought you were the candyman Don't get strung out { "like a tampon" } by the way that I look { "like a tampon" } Don't judge a book by its cover { "Like Moby Dick!" } I'm not much of a man By the light of day But by night I'm one hell of a lover { cheering as cape is removed } I'm just a sweet Transvestite From Transsexual Transylvania. Let me show you around, maybe play you a sound You look like you're both pretty groovy Or if you want something visual that's not too abysmal We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie. { "Who the hell is Steve Reeves?" "Hercules." } BRAD: I'm glad we caught you at home Ah - could we use your phone We're both in a bit of a hurry FRANK: { "Left" } Right. { "Left" } BRAD: We'll just say where we are Then we'll go back to the car, { echo "Then we'll go fuck in the car" } We don't want to be any worry. FRANK: You got ( CAUGHT ) caught with a flat Well { "how about this?" } ( HOW) how about that ( WELL ) Well babies don't you (PANIC) panic By the ( LIGHT ) light of the night It'll ( ALL ) all seem alright ( I'LL ) I'll get you a satanic mechanic. ( WE'LL GET YOU A MECHANIC ) I'M JUST A SWEET TRANSVESTITE FROM TRANSEXUAL TRANSYLVANIA Why don'tcha stay for the night? (Phantoms - "night") Or maybe a bite (Phantoms - "bite") I could show you my favourite obsession { "Sex" } I've been making a man With dark hair and a tan and he's good for relieving my... { "sexual" } tension. I'M JUST A SWEET TRANSVESTITE FROM TRANSEXUAL TRANSYLVANIA { "What do you like to do in your spare time?" } So come up to the lab { "I can't cum that high!" } and see what's on the slab I see you shiver with antici-- { "say it!" or "master!" or "Consti" } pation { "masterpation?" "it's a concept" or "no shit" "That was hard to get out" } But maybe the rain Is really to blame So I'll remove the cause {"What about the symptom?" or "what about Homer, Marge, and Maggie?" } but not the symptom (FRANK exits.) JANET: Brad, Brad, Brad! Why was that man wearing PANTYHOSE? BRAD: (aside to JANET) Maybe it's Halloween, I haven't noticed. It's all right, Janet, everything's gonna be all right we'll just play along for now - and we'll pull out the aces when the time is right. JANET: This is no time for card tricks, Brad, are you sure we'll be alright? MAGENTA: No bags. BRAD: I'm sure, Janet. (to COLUMBIA, MAGENTA and RIFF RAFF) Uh. Hi, there - I'm Brad Majors { "asshole!" } , this is my fiancée, Janet Weiss { "slut!" "Not yet, give her time!" } -- You are... (PHANTOMS begin to strip Brad and Janet) { "Show us your aces!" "There's one!" } COLUMBIA: You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory, a lot of people would give their right arm for the privilege. { "Or their left tit!" } BRAD: People like you maybe. COLUMBIA: I've seen it. Hello, I live here! { "And it's big!" "and hairy!" } JANET: Is he... is Frank... your husband? RIFF RAFF: The master is not yet married, nor do I think ever will be { "That's b/c you kill him off at the end of...the...show..." or "That's cause he dies at the end" or "Try Vermont!" } - we are simply his servants. { echo "sex slaves" } SCENE FOUR The laboratory. FRANK: Unlock a mind - unmind a lock - it's the same as the beginning of the end - do you follow? JANET: No. BRAD: It's an anagram, Janet. { "No, it's a palindrome." } FRANK: I wonder may I offer you something refreshing? BRAD & JANET: No. FRANK: No--You're right I won't! How delightful to have fresh faces around { "to sit on!" } . Mmmmmmmm...Magenta - Columbia - go and assist Riff Raff - I will entertain - Ahh. BRAD: Brad Majors. { "asshole!" } FRANK: Brad Majors. BRAD: And this is my fiancée Janet Vice. { "slut!" "not yet, give her time!" } JANET: Weiss. { "still a slut!" } FRANK: Enchante'. { "what's that mean?" } How nice { "what's it really mean?" } - and what charming underclothes you both have - but here, put these on { "take yours off!" } . (He hands them robes) It'll make you feel less {"naked" } vulnerable. Same thing! { "same thing!" } We don't often receive visitors here, let alone show them hospitality... {echo "horse brutality" } BRAD: Hospitality! { "my favourite kind" } All we wanted was to use your phone, that is a reasonable request which you have chosen to ignore. JANET: Don't be ungrateful, Brad. BRAD: Ungrateful!! FRANK: How forceful you are, Brad, what a perfect example of manhood - so dominant - you must be very proud, Janet. JANET: Yes. FRANK: Tell me Brad, do you have any tattoos? { "Show him the bear on your ass!" } BRAD: Certainly not. { "show him the cock-ring!" } FRANK: Oh well... (to JANET) How about you? (Enter RIFF RAFF) RIFF RAFF: Everything is in readiness master, we merely wait for you to give the word. { "or a clap will be fine." } (Frank claps) { "that's not a word!" } FRANK: Tonight, Brad and Janet, you are about to witness a breakthrough in bio-chemical research, and Paradise will be mine... JANET: Oh how wonderful for you. FRANK: Yes. It was strange the way it happened one of those quirks of fate really one of those moments when... Everything looks black, the chips are down Your back is against the wall You panic - you're trapped - there's no way out! And even if there was, it would probably be a one way ticket to the bottom of the bay. And then suddenly: you get a break - all the pieces seem to fit into place - what a sucker you'd been - what a fool - the answer was there all the time - it took a small accident to make it happen. { "a what?" or "What did your mother call you at birth?" } A Fucking accident! That's how I discovered the secret - that elusive ingredient - that { "who gives the best head on Star Trek?" or "Who gives the best head on the Starship Enterprise?" etc. } spark that is the breath of life. { "do you know about anal sex?" } Yes - I have that knowledge. I hold the key {"to life?"} to life { "itself?" } itself { "awesome" } you see Brad and Janet you are fortunate for tonight is the night my beautiful creature is destined to be born... { echo "fucked" } Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator and then step the reactor power input up three more points... ( During above speech, Rocky is wheeled out and attached to a ring hanging from the ceiling) JANET: Brad!! BRAD: It's alright, Janet. FRANK: Tubes! JANET: Brad!! BRAD: It's alright, Janet. FRANK: Hoist! ( Rocky is hoisted into the air) JANET: Brad!! BRAD: It's alright, Janet! FRANK: LIFE!!!!! (Rocky is born. He starts singing) ROCKY: Oh, The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head And I've got the feeling someone's Going to be cutting the thread Oh woe is me - my life is a misery { echo "I look like a Christmas tree" } Oh can't you see that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of the bed. ALL: That ain't no crime. ROCKY: And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnamable dread. ALL: That ain't no crime. My high is low ( Rocky is lowered to the floor and set free) - I'm dressed up with no place to go and all I know is I'm at the start of a pretty big downer. ROCKY: (That ain't no crime) Oh no no no no ALL: (Sha la la la that ain't no crime) ROCKY: (That ain't no crime) Oh no no no no ALL: (Sha la la la that ain't no crime) (That ain't no crime) NARRATOR: Rocky Horror you need peace of mind I want to tell you that you're doing just fine You're the product of another time and feeling down well that's no crime. ( During rest of song, Rocky is tempted with a giant lollipop and a Tinky-Winky doll. He chases after Tinky and the song ends when he is sitting in Frank's lap holding the doll triumphantly.) ALL: That ain't no crime. ROCKY: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head ALL: That ain't no crime. ROCKY: And I've got the feeling someone's going be cutting the thread. ALL: That ain't no crime. ROCKY: Oh woe is me - my life is a mystery { echo "oh woe is me, some weird guy is chasing me" } Oh can't you see that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer. (That ain't no crime) Oh no no no no (Sha la la la that ain't no crime) FRANK: Well really - that's no way to behave on your first day out. { "of the closet!" } ROCKY: Well nobody's perfect { "you are!" } - But I do think you made a pretty good job of the body work though. FRANK: You are the result of many hours of toil - and now my beautiful creature you're ready for the ultimate test. ROCKY: Oh dear. FRANK: But first meet the family, Riff Raff, what do you think? RIFF RAFF: He's a credit to my gen... your genius. FRANK: Magenta? MAGENTA: A triumph of the will. FRANK: And what do you think, Columbia? COLUMBIA: He's okay. { "now you're screwed!" or "now you're fucked!" } FRANK: OK? { "Hey Frank, what do you think of George Bush?" } I'm sure we can do better than that! { "ask ken and Barbie!" } Well, Brad and Janet, what do you think? JANET: { "Lie, bitch, lie!" } I don't like men with too many muscles. { "just one big one!" "And Brad is staring at it right now!" } FRANK: I didn't make him for YOU. { "But she gets him anyway!" } He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval - { make seal noises or "Where is it?" } Maestro! { "describe Calista Flockhart" } A weakling weighing 98 pounds { "that's two Calista Flockharts!" "And Pee-Wee Herman!" } Got sand in his face when kicked to the ground And soon in the gym { "how do you give a blow job?" } With a determined chin { "what do you want to lick?" } The sweat from his pores As he works for his cause { echo "As he fucks Santa Claus" } Will make him glisten { "what's the worst fucking toothpaste ever?" } and gleam And with massage and just a little bit of steam He'll be pink, and quite clean He'll be a strong man ALL: But the wrong man FRANK: He'll eat nutritious { "cum" } High-Protein { "cum" } And swallow raw eggs { "Eww! raw eggs!" } Try to build up his shoulders, His chest, arms and his legs Such an effort I just can't understand ALL: In just seven days { "and seven long nights!" } I can make you a man. FRANK: He'll do press ups and chin ups The Snatch Clean and jerk. Thinks dynamic tension must be hard work Such strenuous living, I just can't understand ALL: In just seven days I can make you a man. (Eddie bursts through the wall) COLUMBIA: Eddie! EDDIE: Whatever happened to Saturday night When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright It don't seem the same since cosmic light Came into my life and I thought I was divine I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go And listen to the music on the radio A saxophone was blowing on a Rock and Roll Show And you climbed in the back and you really had A good time ALL: Hot Patootie bless my soul I really love that Rock and Roll (four times) EDDIE: My head used to swim from the perfume I smelt My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt. I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt And she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine Get back in front and put some hair oil on Buddy Holly was singing his very last song With your arm round your girl you'd try to sing along You felt pretty good cause you'd really had A good time. ALL: Hot Patootie bless my soul I really love that Rock and Roll. (Repeat 8 times) (EDDIE gets killed by Frank with a chain saw.) FRANK: One from the vaults. (Columbia screams, until Frank quiets her.) ROCKY: Why was she screaming? That guy was really very ugly. FRANK: He had a certain naive charm But no muscle We had a mental relationship - { "what do you like to lick?" } But! a deltoid ( deltoid ) and a bicep ( and a bicep ) A hot groin ( hot groin ) and a tricep ( and a tricep ) Makes me shake ( a deltoid and a bicep and a hot groin and a tricep ) Makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the hand. ALL: In just seven days I can make you a man. FRANK: I don't want no dissention ( sension ) Just dynamic tension ( tension ) JANET: I'm a muscle fan. ALL: In just seven days I can make you a man. FRANK: Dig it if you can. ALL: In just seven days I can make you a man. (Rocky and Frank get married. Frank throws bouquet to Janet.) FRANK: (before throwing bouquet) Hey, Janet! ACT II PHANTOMS/RIFF RAFF: There's a light Over at the Frankenstein Place There's a light Burning in the fireplace There's a light, light... RIFF RAFF: In the darkness of everybody's life. NARRATOR: (Dick does a long speech then...) There are those who say that life is an illusion - { "life is an illusion!" } And reality as we know it, is merely a figment of our imagination. If this is so, then Brad and Janet are quite safe. But - there are some who have a far more physical philosophy - those who would stop at nothing to satisfy their base desires - It could be that Brad and Janet are among those who hold the devil's reins. SCENE FIVE "JANET'S ROOM" Voices in BLACKOUT. JANET'S: Oh Brad - Oh yes - Yes my darling - What if.. BRAD'S: It's all right Janet - everything's going to be all right. JANET'S: Oh I hope so my darling. I'm so fri... (Lights UP) You! FRANK: I'm afraid so Janet (snaps off condom and throws it behind him) but wasn't it nice... JANET: You beast - you monster - what have you done with Brad? FRANK: Mmm - nothing { "yet!" } - why, do you think I should? JANET: You tricked me - I wouldn't have - I've never - never. FRANK: I know - but it wasn't all bad was it? { "It wasn't all Brad either!" } Not really even half bad { "or half brad" } - in fact, I think perhaps you found it quite - pleasurable - Mmm - so soft so - sensual. JANET: Ahh - no - stop - I mean help - I - Brad - Ohhhh - Brad. FRANK: Shhh. Brad's probably asleep by now - do you want him to see you like this. JANET: Like this? Like how? FRANK: Like THIS! JANET: It's your fault you're to blame... I was - saving my self. { "For what? A rainy day?" } FRANK: Well I'm sure you're not spent yet, and it was a pleasurable experience was it not? (Lights DIM) You did like it didn't you. There's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure - is there? { "Except in NJ!" } We're not in FUCKING New Jersey! JANET: Who are you talking to? FRANK: Nobody...We could try for an action replay - Oh Janet you've wasted so much time already - Brad needn't know. I won't tell him, Mmmm. (BLACKOUT) JANET: Are you sure you won't tell him. Ohhh... SCENE SIX "BRAD'S ROOM" Voices in BLACKOUT. JANET'S: Oh Brad - Oh yet - Yes my darling. BRAD'S: It's all right Janet everything's going to be all right. JANET'S: I hope so my darling. (Lights UP) BRAD: You! FRANK: I'm afraid so Brad - (snaps off condom and throws it behind him) but wasn't it nice? BRAD: Why you - What have you done with Janet? FRANK: Mmm - nothing { "liar!" } - why, do you think I should? BRAD: You tricked me, I wouldn't have - I've never - never. FRANK: I know - but it wasn't all bad was it? { "It was all Brad" } Not really even half bad, in fact, I think you found it quite pleasurable - Oh so soft - so sensual. BRAD: Ah. No - stop. I mean - Janet - Ohh Janet. FRANK: Shhh - Janet's probably asleep by now - Do you want her to see you like this? BRAD: Like this - Like how - FRANK: Like THIS! BRAD: It's your fault. You're to blame - I thought it was the real thing. { "It was!" } FRANK: Oh Brad admit it. It was enjoyable wasn't it? You liked it didn't you? There's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure - is there? (Lights DIM) We could try for an action replay. Oh Brad you've wasted so much time already - Janet needn't know. I won't tell her - Mmm... (Blackout) BRAD: Are you sure you won't tell her - Ohhh... RIFF RAFF: (on TV monitor) Master - The laboratory is empty. Rocky is loose and somewhere in the building. FRANK: Oh - Wow - What a big- Mmm - Oh - Coming! { "So's Brad!" } SCENE SEVEN Laboratory. Enter JANET. JANET: What's happening here? { "sex" } - Where's Brad? { "having sex" } - Where's anybody? { "having sex" } If only we hadn't made this journey { "But you did!" } - if only the car hadn't broken down { "But it did!" } - if only we were amongst friends or sane persons. { "but you're not!" } NARRATOR: "If" and "only" - two small words - words that kept repeating themselves again and again in Janet's thoughts - but it was too late to go back now - it were as if she were riding a giant tidal wave, it would be folly to fight against it - her only chance would be to ride it out - adapt - and perhaps also - survive. (Enter ROCKY) ROCKY: Oh! It's you - look I'm trying to hide from my creator and his minion - they scare me - I feel that all is not well here. I have been thinking a lot { "don't hurt yourself!"} JANET: Wow. ROCKY: - about Eddie PHANTOMS: Ssh! ROCKY: I have a feeling of { "what's a yacht for?" } foreboding. JANET: It's all like some terrible dream isn't it? (plays with Rocky) Wacka-wacka-woo! ROCKY: Is it true you don't like men with too many muscles? JANET: Well... I'm engaged to Brad, just the same as Betty Monroe was to Ralf Hapshatt. But Frank's kisses overwhelmed me with an ecstasy I had never dreamed of before - hot burning kisses - I could see Brad's face before me, and my mind screamed - No!! - but my lips (starts to hump railing) they were hungry, they were too hungry - I wanted to be loved, and loved completely - my body throbbed excitedly - Oh Brad, Brad my darling how could I have done this to you. ROCKY: This room is a womb to me. JANET: Yes - there you see, it's instinctive - you returned here for one thing - security. Oh where's Brad - (She fiddles with TV remote) What have they done with him? NARRATOR: Janet's feelings ran wild as she frantically manipu- lated the remote control for the TV monitor - The screen threw up images of empty rooms and corridors - and suddenly and finally she stopped - at Frank's bedroom. (sees FRANK andBRAD smoking) Aaahhh!! ROCKY: Oh you can't rely on anyone. JANET: Oh Brad! - how could you? { "you told me you'd quit!" } NARRATOR: See, she didn't know that he smoked. If one is suffering the pangs of remorse for a sexual indiscretion - it would seem logical that the transgressor would be sympathetic toward a loved one caught in a similar misdemeanor, know what I'm saying? { "Word!" } Yo! - But emotion is an irrational and powerful master and there seemed little doubt that Janet was indeed { "a slut" } its slave. MAGENTA & COLUMBIA: Tell us about it, Janet. JANET: I was feeling done in Couldn't win I'd only ever kissed before MAGENTA & COLUMBIA: You mean she only ever? JANET: YES! I thought there's no use getting { "Fucked!" } into heavy petting It only leads to trouble And seat wetting. { "hey, my seat's wet." } Now all I want to know Is how to go - hi-yah! I've tasted blood { echo "cum" } and I want more MAGENTA & COLUMBIA: More, more, more JANET: I'll put up no resistance I want to stay the distance I've got an itch to scratch And I need assistance CHORUS: Touch-a Touch-a Touch-a - Touch me. I want to be dirty Thrill me chill me fulfil me Creature of the night. Then if anything grows When you pose I'll oil you up and rub you down MAGENTA & COLUMBIA: Down, down down JANET: And that's just one small fraction Of the main attraction You need a friendly hand And I need action. REPEATS. (CHORUS. After Janet has sung it at least once by herself, then, with Phantoms and sings it against Touch-a Touch-a etc.) BLACKOUT SCENE EIGHT RIFF RAFF: Aaaggghhh - Mercy, master, mercy! FRANK: (with whip) How did it happen - I understood you were to be watching. RIFF RAFF: I was only away for a moment, Master. { "bating" } FRANK: See if you can find him on the monitor. (Click - Brad's empty room - switch - switch - switch - Janet's room) FRANK: Oh Rocky. RIFF RAFF: I've located him with the female, master. FRANK: Rocky!! I think I'm going to-- RIFF RAFF: ...faint. BRAD: Janet!! How could she? That's it - it's over. NARRATOR: Over! What was over? { "your career!"} That was 45 minutes ago, asshole. Not the night that was certain. Brad and Janet's engagement? Their love for one another? Who could say - for questions such as these are not to be answered by the academic they must be left for the heart to solve and Brad you may be sure, had plenty of heart. { "You gotta have heart!" } BRAD: Once in a while She don't want to call you { "Try 1-800-COLLECT!" } Speaking on the telephone And once in your life She won't want to know you ( "Fuck her, dump her!" ) You look around The one you found she is gone (3 phantoms emerged dressed as Janet) So baby don't cry Like there's no tomorrow After the night there's brand new day And there'll be no pain And no more sorrow So wash your face And phone my place. It'll be okay. And that's all the time (that's all the time) That it takes (that it takes) For a heart to beat again So give me a sign (give me a sign) That a lover makes (that a lover makes) You look around the one you (you look around, the one you found) Found is back again... (remove Janet wigs and dresses revealing a Frank costume) PHANTOMS: I'm back again! I'm back again! I'm back again! BRAD: And that's all the time (a hot groin and a bicep) That it takes (Deltoid and a tricep) For a heart to turn to stone (I'm gonna make you a man) The sweeter the wine (I'm gonna make you, make you a man) The harder to make the break (You look around) You hear something (The one you found, she is gone) About someone you thought you'd known (She is gone) PHANTOMS: She's gone! Yes she's gone! She don't want to know you. She is gone... BRAD: I should have { "Checked my spare tire!" } known. FRANK: Stop it! - how pathetic - how maudlin - Your baggage has defiled my beautiful creature - oh Rocky how could you! (Static - on monitor - outside - a figure creeping toward hidden camera) RIFF RAFF: Master - we have a visitor. FRANK: Oh, shit. BRAD: Scott - Scotty - Dr. Everett Scott. RIFF RAFF: You know this earth - FRANK: ( to RIFF} Ssh! ( to BRAD) This person? BRAD: Yes, I do he's an old friend of mine. FRANK: I see - so this wasn't simply a chance meeting - you came here with a purpose. { "a porpoise?" } BRAD: { "My Dolphin broke down outside." ) That's not true - my car broke down - I told you that. FRANK: I know what you told me, Brad - but this Dr. Everett Scott, his name is not unknown to me. { "It's Dr. Everett Scott." } BRAD: He was a science teacher at Denton High. FRANK: And he now works for your Government - doesn't he, Brad? He's attached to the bureau of the investigation of that which you call U.F.O's - that's right, isn't it, Brad? { "No, that's Mulder and Scully" } BRAD: He might be - I don't know. RIFF RAFF: The intruder is entering the building, Master. FRANK: Let's make this a social occasion! Riff Raff, find Rocky and Janet. Magenta, Seal off all doors and all exits and bring Dr. Scott to the laboratory! SCENE NINE Enter DOCTOR SCOTT in wheelchair COLUMBIA pushing him. BRAD: Dr. Scott! SCOTTY: Brad - what are you doing here? FRANK: Don't play games, Dr. Scott. It was part of your plan, was it not, that Brad Majors and his female should check the layout for you - unfortunately for you all there is to be a change of plans - I'm sure you're adaptable, Dr. Scott - I know Brad is. { "You promised you wouldn't tell!" } SCOTTY: I can assure you that Brad's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me. As does the set up you have here - I didn't expect it to be quite so... FRANK: Sophisticated - Dr. Scott? Or should I say Dr. Von Scott? { "Zeig Heil!" } BRAD: What exactly are you implying? { "That he's a nazi" } SCOTTY: Zey can't prove nothink! I mean, I don't know... Ah - that machine there... BRAD: What do you think it is, Doc? SCOTTY: At this precise moment, Brad, it's hard to tell - but it seems to be made of a metal that is not of this earth - I would say from another planet. (Doors OPEN. JANET and ROCKY tumble out) JANET: Brad! SCOTTY: Janet! FRANK: Rocky! JANET: Dr. Scott! { echo "Bullwinkle!" } JANET: Brad! SCOTTY: Janet! FRANK: Rocky! JANET: Dr. Scott! { echo "Bullwinkle!" } JANET: Brad! SCOTTY: Janet! FRANK: Rocky! JANET: Dr. Scott! { echo "Bullwinkle!" } FRANK: Rocky! oh, Rocky, oh Rocky! ROCKY: Piss off! { "Oooohhhhh!" } FRANK: Listen - I made you and I can break you just as easily - so pull your tiny plug out { "It doesn't look tiny from here!" } Shut up. SCOTTY: I suppose you intend to do with us as you did with Eddie. PHANTOMS: Ssh! COLUMBIA: Eddie! PHANTOMS: Sshhh. BRAD: Eddie! PHANTOMS: Ssh! BRAD: I've seen him, he looks terrible. FRANK: What do you know of Eddie, (Ssh!) Dr. Scott? SCOTTY: I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things - { "Except how to walk!" } --Fuck you!-- you see Eddie happens to be my nephew. BRAD: Dr. Scott! SCOTTY: Yes, Brad - my sister's boy. I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was worse than I imagined { "at first" } - aliens. BRAD: Tell them, Doc. SCOTTY: From the day he was born, { "Not the night, but the day" } he was trouble { "not monopoly, but trouble" } He was the thorn { "not the rose, but the thorn" } in his mother's side. { "not her ass, but her side" } She tried in vain, { "not the artery, but the vain" } NARRATOR: But he never caused her nothing but pain. FRANK: That's right, Dicky. (does a high-five with him) SCOTTY: He left home the day she died. From the day she was gone All he wanted Was a rock and roll porn and a motor bike. { "Vroom, Vroom" } Shootin' up junk, NARRATOR: He was a low down cheap little punk. { "Yay punk!" } SCOTTY: Taking everyone for a ride. CHORUS: When Eddie said he didn't like his teddy, You knew he was a no good kid. When he threatened your life with a switch blade knife, FRANK: What a guy. JANET: Made you cry. SCOTTY: And I did. COLUMBIA: Everybody shoved him. I very nearly loved him. I say hey listen to me Stay sane inside insanity. But he shut the door and threw away the key. SCOTTY: But he must have been drawn in to something. Making him warn me in a note which read ALL: What's it say, What's it say. SCOTTY: I'm out of my head. Hurry or I may be dead. They mustn't carry out their evil deeds. Chorus (Repeat) FRANK: What a guy, JANET: Made you cry, SCOTTY: And I did. (Repeat) (Riff Raff emerges with Eddie's head on a plate) ALL: Eddie! (Riff gives plate to Magenta, then grabs a gummy worm off plate, eats it) FRANK: Clever girl. MAGENTA: I'll throw it down the waste disposal... BRAD: Why you... FRANK: (Flicks a switch) There, that should restrain you all. JANET: My feet - there's something wrong with my feet. SCOTTY: My wheels! Mien Gott, I can't move my wheels. BRAD: It's as if we were glued to the spot. FRANK: You are, so quake with fear you tiny fools You're going to do a floor show - which I shall direct.- { "Frank, do you want to fuck later?" } O.K. it's star time - Riff Raff set the sonic transducer on program 8 secure all levels at zero - MAGENTA: Relax. SCOTTY: You won't find earth people quite the easy targets that you have imagined. This sonic transducer, it is I suppose some type of audio vibratory physiomolecular transport device! FRANK: You'd better believe it, baby. BRAD: You mean...? SCOTTY: Yes, Brad - it's something we ourselves have been working on. But it seems our friend here has found a way of perfecting it - a device that is capable of breaking down solid matter and then projecting it through space and who knows, perhaps even time itself. JANET: You're going to send us to another planet? FRANK: Planet - Shmanet Janet Tell you once Won't tell you twice You'd better wise up Janet Weiss Y'apple pie Don't taste too nice { "It was peach cobbler!" } You'd better wise up Janet Weiss I've laid the seed It should be all you need You're as sensual As a pencil Wound up like an 'E' or first string When we made it Did ya hear a bell ring? Y' got a block Take my advice You'd better wise up Janet Weiss The transducer Will seduce ya It's something you'll get used to A mental mind-fuck can be nice You'd better wise up - Janet Weiss You'd better wise up Build your thighs up You'd better wise up NARRATOR: And then she cries out. JANET: Stop!! FRANK: Don't get hot and flustered Use a bit of mustard. ALL (Voices building) *You're a { echo "shove a" } hot dog { "up your" } But you'd better not try to hurt her Frank Furter (* This keeps repeating and one by one they are released by FRANK signaling MAGENTA to pull the switch - in turn they make for FRANK and are sprayed by RIFF RAFF and become drugged. He rushes them into the transducer entrance) (MAGENTA keeps singing after everyone else has stopped) FRANK: Magenta, relax. (FRANK sprays her) MAGENTA: Don't cry for me... (falls down, RIFF goes to comfort her) FRANK: Columbia - The artistes are in a molecular state somewhere between entrance and exit. When they've pulled themselves together - see that they are prepared for the floorshow. COLUMBIA: That's it! I can't take anymore of this! First you ditch me for Eddie, then you toss him off as an old overcoat for Rocky! { "He was too heavy!" } You chew people up and you spit them back out again! { "doesn't anyone swallow anymore?" } I loved you, you know that? I loved you. And what did it get me? Let me tell you, a big fat nothing! { "at least it was a BIG nothing" } You are like a sponge. You take, take, take and you drain others of their affections. Well, that's it, I've had it. I am outta here, and I am-- (FRANK sprays her) Oh Wow - I am so fucked up! Hey Frankie, it's your birthday, it's your birthday- not really. Hey, I think I'm gonna split! Hey, what happened to my other leg? Oh, there it is! I would've tapped dance up the stairs, but I'm a-Fred Astaires! Aah! Papa, can you hear me? Bye! FRANK: It's not easy having a good time - even smiling makes my face ache { "Bullshit! that was from the blow job you just gave Brad!" } - and my children turn on me - { "Your children turn you on!" } Rocky's behaving just as Eddie did - maybe I made a mistake in splitting his brain between the two of them? MAGENTA: When do we return to Transylvania? { "As you as you find moose and squirrel" } - I grow { "spit it out" } w-w-weary of this world. FRANK: Magenta I am indeed grateful to both you and your brother Riff Raff - you have both served me well - loyalty such as yours must be rewarded, and you will discover that when the mood takes me, I can be quite generous. { "how much do you charge for a blow job?" } MAGENTA: I ask for nothing. { "I'll take two!" or "shorter than 12 inches" } FRANK: And you shall receive it { "Where do buns go to dance?" } in abundance - { "Hey Frank, what do you like on your cornflakes?" or "Frank, what do you use to keep your hair so white?" or "What do they put in the Frappicinos at Starbucks?" } come - our guests will be growing restless. (exits) (MAGENTA and RIFF RAFF look at one another - they make an extraterrestrial sign. EXIT) NARRATOR: And so, by some extraordinary coincidence - fate it seems had decided that Brad and Janet should keep that appointment with their friend Dr. Everett Scott. But, it was to be in a situation which none of them could have possibly foreseen - And, just a few hours after announcing their engagement Brad and Janet had both tasted forbidden fruit { "kumquats!" } - This in itself was proof that their host was a man of little morals and some { "gay" } persuasion - What further indignities were they to be subjected to... ? { "the dick Cavett show!" } I fail to see the humour. I see you though, honey, and I'm going to bitch-slap you to the curb. Where did Dick Cavett learn language like that? - And what of the sonic transducer and the floorshow that had been spoken of? - What indeed? - From what had gone before it was clear that this was to be no picnic. { "But I brought the ants!" } SCENE TEN COLUMBIA: It was great When it all began I was a regular Franky Fan But it was over when he had the plan To start working on a muscle-man Now the only thing that gives me hope Is my love of a certain dope Rose tints my world keeps me Safe from my trouble and pain. ROCKY: I'm just seven hours old Truly beautiful to behold And somebody should be told My libido hasn't been controlled Now the only thing I've come to trust Is an orgasmic rush of lust Rose tints my world keeps me Safe from my trouble and pain. BRAD: It's beyond me Help me mommy I'll be good you'll see Take this dream away What's this, { "The Floor!" [Brad is looking down] } let's see I feel sexy What's come over me Here it comes again JANET: I feel released Bad times deceased My confidence has increased { "where is reality?" } Reality is here The game has been disbanded My mind has been expanded It's a gas that Frankie's landed His lust is so sincere FRANK: What ever happened to Fay Wray { "she went ape shit!" } That delicate satin draped frame { "It was polyester!" } As it clung to her thigh { "What? the ape shit?" } How I started to cry {"I'd cry too, if I had ape shit on my thigh" } For I wanted to be dressed { "Like Britney Spears" or "Like Miss Cleo" or "Like Rum Tum Tugger in a ball gown" etc.} just the same. Give yourself over to absolute pleasure { echo "Vodka" } Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh Erotic nightmares { "How long is your dick?" } beyond any measure And sensual daydreams to treasure forever - Can't you just see it. { "Pay attention! This is the moral!" } Don't dream it - Be it Don't dream it - Be it Don't dream it - Be it (This continues fading slowly and through this comes Scotty's thoughts - as he sings, the blanket reveals his stocking-clad legs) SCOTTY: Hmm.. We've got to get out of this trap Before this decadence saps our wills { "our wheels?" } I've got to be strong and try to hang on Or my mind may well snap And my life will be lived for the thrills BRAD: It's beyond me Help me mommy JANET: God bless Lilly St. Cyr. { "Whose show is this..14 times?" or "Hey Frank, say 'my' 14 times" } FRANK: (screaming) MY MY MY MY MY MY MY MY MY MY MY MY MY MY I'm a wild and an untamed thing I'm a bee with a deadly sting Get a hit, and your mind goes ping Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing So let the party and the sounds rock on Gonna shake it till the life has gone Rose tint my world Keep me safe from my trouble and pain. (They all sing "We're a wild and an untamed thing" - right through twice. RIFF RAFF and MAGENTA enter dressed in extraterrestrial national costume) RIFF RAFF: Frank n Furter It's all over Your mission is a failure Your life style's too extreme I'm your new commander You now are my prisoner We return to Transylvania Prepare the transit beam. (ALL freeze) { "what did your mom say when she caught you fucking a gerbil?" } FRANK: Wait - I can explain { "It better be good, last time you got shot!" } (He is left alone) On the day I went away ALL: Goodbye { echo "Kom-by-ya!" } FRANK: Was all I had to say ALL: Now I { echo "Kom-by-ya!" } FRANK: Want to come again { "So does Brad" or "And again and again" } and stay ALL: Oh my { echo "Kom-by-ya!" } FRANK: Smile and that will mean I may I've seen blue skies Through the tears { "Where do you shoot Heroin?" } in my eyes { "that must hurt" } And I realize I'm going home { "Where do you masturbate?" or "where do you fuck?" } Everywhere it's been the same ALL: Feeling FRANK: ( "What's it like when I pee on your face?" ) Like I'm outside in the pouring rain ALL: Wheeling FRANK: Free to try and find a game ALL: Dealing FRANK: Cards for sorrow cards for pain I've seen blue skies Through the tears in my eyes And I realize - I'm going home I'm going home I'm going home SCENE ELEVEN MAGENTA: How sentimental. { "you bitch!" } RIFF RAFF: And also presumptuous of you - you see when I said `we' were to return I referred only to Magenta and myself - I'm sorry however if you found my words misleading - you see you are to remain here - in spirit anyway - (phantoms reveal a giant laser) SCOTTY: Thank heavens! - that's a laser. RIFF RAFF: Yes, Dr. Scott, a laser capable of emitting a beam of pure anti-matter. BRAD: You mean you're going to kill him? - What's his crime? FRANK: Oh Brad. SCOTTY: You saw what became of Eddie - Society must be protected. RIFF RAFF: Exactly, Dr Scott - Now Frank-n-Furter, your time has come { "Even time comes in this!" } - say goodbye to all this { "good-bye all of this!" } - and hello { "Hello" } to oblivion. {" hello oblivion, how's the wife and kids?" "The wife is fine, the kids are great!" } FRANK: Do your worst - inferior one. COLUMBIA: No!! No!! FRANK: You did this for me? Silly bitch! (She throws herself between RIFF RAFF and FRANK - BLATTT - She and FRANK are both killed. ROCKY bellows and beats his chest, picks up FRANK. RIFF RAFF fires again and again until finally ROCKY dies. Spectacularly) BRAD: Good God. RIFF RAFF: Yes. JANET: You've killed them. MAGENTA: I thought you liked them - they liked you. RIFF RAFF: (screams) They didn't like me { "You're getting paranoid, Riff!" } - They never liked me. { "I like you" } You saw the way things were - the way they were going SCOTTY: You did right. (RIFF points laser at SCOTTY) ...Shit! RIFF RAFF: A decision had to be made. SCOTTY: O.K. by me. RIFF RAFF: I'm sorry about your nephew, Dr. Scott. SCOTTY: Yes - perhaps it's for the best. RIFF RAFF: You should leave now, Dr. Scott While it is still possible We are about to beam the entire house Back to the planet of transsexual In the galaxy of Transylvania { "in the state of NJ" } Go now - { "Does this mean we can't use your phone?" } (RIFF RAFF and MAGENTA look at one another) Our noble mission is almost completed, my most beautiful sister. And soon we shall return to the moon-drenched shores of our beloved planet! MAGENTA: Oh sweet Transsexual! Land of night, to sing and dance once more to your dark refrain. To take that step to the right. RIFF RAFF: But it's the pelvic thrust- MAGENTA: That really drives you insane. And our world will do the time warp again. RIFF RAFF: Activate the transit crystal! BRAD: I've done a lot { "of gay sex" or "of drugs" } God knows I've tried { "gay sex" or "drugs" } To find the truth { "about gay sex" or "about drugs" } I've even lied { "About gay sex" or "about drugs" } But all I know { "about gay sex" or "about drugs" } Is down inside ALL: I'm bleeding JANET: And super heroes Come to feast To taste the flesh Not yet deceased And all I know Is still the beast ALL: Is feeding Ahh Ahh etc. ... (Chant) NARRATOR: And crawling on { "where's the planet's nose?" } the planet's face { "what have you been eating?" } Some insects called the human race { "Where's your career?" } Lost in time { "What's your favourite TV show?" } And lost in space { "What does this show lack?" } And meaning. (Dick gives the finger) ALL: meaning. BLACKOUT EPILOGUE MAGENTA: (as usherette) Science Fiction - double feature Frank has built and lost his creature Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet { echo "Luke and the Force" } The servants gone to a distant planet Oh - at the late night double feature Picture show - I want to go - Ohh - To the late night double feature picture show. (music plays. Curtain call. all come out.) ALL: I'm just a sweet transvestite From transexual, Transylvania! FRANK: Let's hear it for the band! {cheers} You wanna hear a little time warp? OK, but you gotta do it with us! (time warp is sung twice, led by Frank. Actors bow again and leave the stage) THE END *****