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The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Movie Script
Prepared and Edited by:
Katzir Tal
(katzir@pobox.com)
Mar 17 1999
General Information (or "How to read The Script") :
Audience instructions are in braces. Text in quotes is to be
shouted. The instruction 'echo' means that the following line
is to be shouted in unison with the film.
Instructions for "screen person" (i.e. someone who is near the screen
and can do those things - not all the audience)
appear in braces as well.
The word 'or' means alternative lines.
The "/" character means alternative text within the same line.
The "<...>" characters mean that it should be replaced by
what's written in them.
(since in this one script there are lines from many sources.
There are times when more than one line could be used.
In these cases, they all appear).
Call-backs to call-backs appear directly after each other,
up to long dialogues, and sometimes even alternative dialogues
(with 'or' between them).
I know this is confusing, but "It's something you'll get used to"...
Whenever Brad appears, or introduced in some way,
the line "Asshole!" is appropriate.
Whenever Janet appears, use the line "Slut!".
The longer line "Slut! Bitch! Whore!",
or say "Rice" and pelt the virgins with rice.
Whenever Rocky appears, shout "Beefcake! BEEFCAKE!".
Whenever the Narrator (Charles Gray) appears, have "chin sex"
(go up to the screen and jump up under it with a hand up)
You can shout "Boring", and throw paper balls,
or say "Charles Gray, he's OK!", or "He's got no fucking neck!".
Dr. Scott may be booed, but it's also appropriate to yell "Kiss Ass!",
"Suck my cock!", or "Dr. Scott should be shot".
Notes to the reader:
If you see any lines, or props, that are missing,
or just anything, that you would like added,
or typos, spellings, ideas of any kind...
Then just send email to me (katzir@pobox.com) and they
will be added to the next version of the script. If you post
comments on alt.cult-movies.rocky-horror, then they might
find their way into this script.
I don't mark the versions, particularly because I modify it
very often. I'll make a habit though to post it on a
monthly basis on the alt.cult-movies.rocky-horror newsgroup,
and upload it to some FTP sites.
I'll keep the date updated though...
The date also means that it's updated with all the posting in 'our'
newsgroup to that date.
Editor's notes:
It was a late November evening in 1993.
I was looking for an Audience-Participation script.
The best I've found was George Burgyan's (gburgyan@nforce.com)
I added to it from ALL the other scripts I've got.
Plus what we have at my theater, what people mailed me,
And everything I've picked up in alt.cult-movies.rocky-horror.
The first version came out on April 1994.
In early 1996, Shawn McHorse (riffraff@txdirect.net)
did a major contribution to it, and for that I'm thankful.
These lines are not the only lines that are said, or are
possible, surely not an authoritative work. I believe it's more fun
to go to the movie and learn the lines from other people,
perhaps using this as a reference. The lines here might not
be used at your theater, and some of the props might not be
allowed (If something is not allowed, DON'T try to bring it
into the theater, it is a good way of spoiling the movie for
everyone!)
Make up your own lines too!
The most important thing about the movie is to have fun!
That's what RHPS is all about!
I don't want this script to be used as something to memorize
from, but rather as a means of getting lines to all of the
world quicker and helping your timing of lines.
Don't try to shout all the lines in one screening,
as it may damage your voice...
I would like to thank everyone who contributed to this script.
All the people at my theater who shouted,
all the people on alt.cult-movies.rocky-horror who
posted lines and a few of my friends for proofing this script.
I would also like to thank everyone else that I'm forgetting.
Now... Let there be lips!
Katzir Tal (katzir@pobox.com)
Props (in order of appearance) :
Card saying 'Message'
Broom
Prunes
Rice
Bouquet
Cards with the letters "J","A","N","E","T"
Rings
Air-Pump (bicycle's)
Newspaper (preferred: Plain Dealer)
Water (squirt gun, or whatever)
Matches (failing which, another source of light)
How to Time Warp Fliers
Doughnut / Bagel
Candy
Rubber Gloves
Noisemaker
Confetti (torn newspapers work well)
Silly String
Toilet Paper (preferred: Scott brand)
Paper Airplanes
Toast
Bologna (opt)
Party Hat
Teddy Bear
Celery
Bell
Frankfurters
Sponges
Package of tollhouse cookies
Cards
Toy Ray Gun
Whistle
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Movie Script
Cast:
{ "Show me God" }
Dr. Frank-n-Furter (a scientist) Tim Curry
{ "You're a hotdog!" }
Janet Weiss (a heroine) Susan Sarandon
{ "Yay heroine" or "Janet's got the heroine!"
or "I want some heroin!" }
Brad Majors (a hero) Barry Bostwick
{ "Asshole! Major asshole!" or "Brad Majors is a Hoagie!"
or "Hey, look! Brad's a sandwich!" }
{ "Show me God" }
Riff Raff (a handyman) Richard O'Brien
{ "A handjob man" or "This is the big dick in the movie" }
Magenta (a domestic) Patricia Quinn
{ "What the fuck's a domestic?"
or "What's your favourite color?" "Clear!" }
Columbia (a groupie) Little Nell (Laura Campbell)
{ "Yay Columbia! Yay groupie"
or "Get a fucking last name!" }
Dr. Everett V. Scott (a rival scientist) Jonathan Adams
{ "Great Scott, what a cock! He's got 4 wheel drive, HEY!" }
Rocky Horror (a creation) Peter Hinwood
{ "A creation of very bad writers"
or "Where's Bullwinkle?"
or "Huh-Huh, it says Peter" "Huh-Huh, it also says Wood" }
Eddie (ex-delivery boy) Meat Loaf
{ "How do you deliver an 'ex'?"
"same way you deliver a baby, call Domino's"
or "It's a sex-delivery boy!"
or "Ladies, meet my loaf!" "Don't let your meat loaf!"
or "Not meat loaf AGAIN!" "You liked him last week!" }
The Criminologist (Narrator) (an expert) Charles Gray
{ "That man has no fucking neck!"
"That person has no fucking dick!"
"Get a fucking neck you neckless fuck!"
or "A sexpert!"
or "Charles Gray, He's OK, he's got no fucking neck, HEY!" }
The Transylvanians:
Perry Bedden Fran Fullenwider
{ "She's full and wider now" }
Christopher Biggins Lindsay Ingram
{ "Look, Chris has biggins!" }
Gayle Brown Penny Ledger
{ "That's all she's worth for a fuck!" }
Ishaq Bux Annabelle Leventon
Stephen Calcutt Anthony Milner
Hugh Cecil Pamela Obermeyer
Imogen Claire Tony Then
Rufus Collins Kimi Wong
Sadie Corre Henry Woolf
{ "Woof" }
Credits
(other than actors)
Original Musical Play and Lyrics by Richard O'Brien
{ "Dick number one!" }
Screenplay Jim Sharman
{ "Don't squeeze the sharman" }
Richard O'Brien
{ "Dick number two!" }
Musical Direction and Arrangements Richard Hartley
{ "Dick number three!" }
Director of Photography Peter Suschitzkey
{ "What did they do?"
or "Shu-shit-sky" "Bless you!"
"Bless me! I need it more"
or "What the fuck is suschitzkey?"
"A Polish diarrhea"
or "3 dicks and a Peter" }
Film and Music Editor Graeme Clifford
{ "They creamed Clifford!"
or "Oh cream me, Clifford!"
or "Don't cream on me, Clifford!" }
Design Brian Thomson
Original Costume Design Sue Blane
{ "Hey look, Sue's to blame"
or "Sue's to blame, she made the costumes" "Or lack thereof!" }
Incidental Music Richard Hartley
Dances Staged David Toguri
{ "Togu! Togu! Togu!"
or "David Toguri, samurai choreographer. Haaiii-Yah!" }
Sound Recordist Ron Barrow
Music Recording Kieth Grant
Dubbing Mixer Bill Rowe
Dubbing Editor Ian Fuller
{ "Ian's Fuller becasue his boyfriend's bigger!" }
Assistant Editor Rodney Glenn
Camera Operator Denis Lewiston
{ "Does that say 'Denis' or 'penis'?"
or "It's Denis with a drip"
or "Get that drippy Penis off the screen!"
or "Is that a Denis or a penis?"
"It's too short to be a penis - unless you're my ex-boyfriend" }
Camera Focus Mike Roberts
{ "Focus spelled backwards is... Suc Of!" }
Art Director Terry Ackland-Snow
Construction Manager Dick Frift
{ "What the fuck is a dick frift?" "A frifty dick!" }
Set Dresser Ian Hitlaker
Make Up Peter Ross-King
Based on original make up designed by Pierre La Roche
{ "Pierre's got la roach!" }
Hairdresser Ramon Gow
{ "Hey, look! Ramon's a cow!" }
Wardrobe Richard Pointing
{ point at Richard Pointing
or "What's Richard pointing at?"
or "Richard's pointing at Gillian's Dodds!"
or "Get that pointing Dick off the screen" }
Gillian Dodds
{ "Check out Gillian's Dodds!" }
Production Manager John Comford
{ "If John was on the bottom he'd be Southern Comfort!" }
First Assistant Director Mike Gowans
Continuity Sue Merry
{ "Why is Sue so fucking merry?"
"'Cause she's on top of Celestia!" }
Casting Consultants Celestia Fox UK
{ "If Celestia's such a fox, why is there UK after her name?"
"'Cause you fucked her!" }
Otto and Windsor USA
{ "Otto spelled backwards is... Otto!" }
Production Accountant Ron
Special Effects Wally Veevers
{ "Hey Wally... Where's the Veev?" }
Colin Chilvers
Associate Producer John Goldstone
{ "John's got goldstones!"
or "Goldstones, meet the Goldstones,
they're the modern pervert family!" }
Executive Producer Lou Adler
Produced by Michael White
Directed by Jim Sharman
{ "Don't squeeze the Sharman!" }
{ "Twentieth Century Fox presents...
A cheap fucking piano player" }
{ chant "Lips...lips...lips..." and cheer when they appear }
{ "A long long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away,
God said: 'Let there be lips,' (let's fuck) and there were.
And they were good. and the lips said 'thank you'. Sing!"
or "And on the eighth day God made lips.
And there were lips, and they were good lips,
and they gave good head"
or "This is a true story of seven strangers,
picked to live in a castle and have their lives taped.
The Real World: Denton!" }
Science Fiction/Double Feature
Usherette (lips) Michael Rennie was ill
The Day the Earth { echo "his dick" }
Stood Still { "So was I" }
But he told us where we stand.
{ echo "And he couldn't get it up" }
{ "On our feet" while standing
or "On our seats" while standing on seats
or "On your knees!" }
And Flash Gordon was there In silver
{ echo "cum stained" or echo "crotchless"
or echo "Janet's edible" }
underwear,
{ "They were gold!" "They were brown"
"They were dirty" "They were mine!"
or "Pervert!" }
Claude Rains was the Invisible Man.
{ "outa sight!" or "I saw him"
or "I saw right through him"
or "How do you know?" "I fucked him"
or "Who's Claude Rains?"
or "But he never showed up!" }
Then something went wrong
For Fay Wray and { echo "fucked" }
King { echo "fucking" } Kong;
{ echo "for my wife, Kimi Wong" }
{ "She went Ape-Shit!" }
They got caught in a celluloid
{ echo "sexual" or echo "Shumaker's sexual" }
jam.
{ echo "She got fucked by a 40 ft ape"
or echo "He got caught having sex with a man"
or "Yay jam!" or "My favourite kind!"
or "69!" "77, you get ate more"
or "and peanut butter" }
Then at a deadly pace
It came from... { "Where?" }
Outer Space. { "Thank you" }
{ echo "I came on Janet's face"
or echo "It came all over your mother's face!"
or echo "Frank cummed on Brad's face" }
And this is how the message ran:
{ "Freeze!" or "Credits, please"
or "Paint it black, paint it red" }
{ Run with 'Message' CARD }
{ Attempt cleaning the teeth with the BROOM }
Chorus Science fiction, double feature
{ scratch the S in SHOW so it will bleed on the titles }
Doctor X { "Sex Sex Sex Sex" } will build a creature.
{ "Bill Clinton" }
See androids fighting { echo "fucking" }
{ "and fucking and sucking on" }
Brad and Janet { echo "Brad's a faggot" }
Anne Francis stars in
{ "Deep Throat and"
or "Debbie does Dallas and..."
or "The sequel to" }
Forbidden Planet
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh { echo "Janet's a ho-o-o-o" }
At the late night, { "Anal Friction" }
{ "What kind of feature?" }
double feature,
{ echo "Fuck your teacher" or echo "Fuck your preacher" }
{ "Rocky Horror" }
{ "What kind of show?" or "Where's the other show?" }
picture show. { echo "pick your nose" }
{ "Sing!" }
{ "Do you know any child molesters?" }
Usherette (lips) I knew Leo G. Carrol
{ "Close enough" or echo "Lacreesha Murray" }
Was over { echo "fucking" } a barrel { echo "a sparrow" }
{ "He'll fuck anything!" }
When Tarantula took to the hills. { echo "LSD" }
{ "Lick it, Bitch!" or "Lick me!"
or "How do you get the cum off your lips?" }
And I really got hot
When I saw Jeanette Scott
{ echo "Janet's twat bite Brad's dick off 'cause he
couldn't fulfill" }
Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills.
{ echo "Fight a penis that spits semen and kills" "Yay semen!"
or "What's the fuck's a Triffid?"
or "Janet's twat swallowed Philadelphia!"
or "Yay kills!" }
Dana Andrews said Prunes { "With pits" } { throw PRUNES }
Gave him the runes { echo "the shits" } { "with chunks!" }
And passing them used lots of skills
{ echo "Ex-Lax pills" or "Sexual skills" or "Yay skills!" }
But When Worlds Collide, { clap hands, "BOOM!" }
Said George Pal to his bride,
"I'm gonna give you some terrible thrills,"
{ echo "sexual thrills"
or echo "lesbian thrills"
or echo "orgasmic thrills"
or echo "a social disease"
or echo "birth control pills"
or echo "fucks and some thrills"
or echo "joints and some pills"
or echo "fuck the shit out of you"
or echo "kick the shit out of you" }
Like a...
{ "Sex-ray" or "X-ray" or "Like what?" }
Chorus Science fiction, { echo "sex-raid" }
double feature {echo "anal friction" }
Doctor X { "Sex Sex Sex Sex" } will build a creature.
See androids fighting { "and fucking and sucking on" }
Brad and Janet
{ "Brian Thompson" (his name is on the screen at the time) }
Anne Francis stars in
{ "Deep Throat, Debbie Does Dallas and..."
or "Deep Throat the sequel to" }
Forbidden Planet
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
At the late night, double feature,
{ echo "Fuck your teacher" or echo "Fuck your preacher" }
{ "Rocky Horror" }
picture show.
I wanna go
{ "I want to cum" or "Go where?"
or "I wamma come"
"I don't care where you come, as long as you clean it up!" }
Oh Oh Oh
To the late night, double feature, { "Rocky Horror" }
picture show.
{ "Who's it by?" }
By RKO,
{ "Really Kinky Orgasms" or "RK who?"
or "A Really Kinky Orgy. Bring your own chicken" }
Oh Oh Oh
To the late night, double feature { "Rocky Horror" }
picture show.
{ "Where's the best place to fuck?!" }
In the back row,
{ front row: "Fuck the back row!"
back row: "Fuck the front row"
front & back: "Fuck ALL the rows!"
or
front: "Fuck the back row!" while flipping them off
middle: "I've SEEN'em YOU fuck'em"
center: "Fuck you both,I'm in the crummy center"
or
front: "Fuck the back row"
back: "Fuck the front row"
front: "We fucked you first!"
back: "We fucked you second!"
front: "We gave you head!"
back: "You swallowed!"
or (repeat the first 2 lines)
front: "We fucked you first!"
back: "We fucked you last!"
front: "We fucked you up the ass!"
back: "We fucked you in the eye and you saw us cuming!"
front: "We fucked you in the ear and you heard us cuming!"
back: "We fucked you in the head and nothing changed!"
or (repeat the first 2 lines)
front: "Back row sucks!"
back: "Front row swallows!"
front & back: "And the middle let it dribble
down their chin"
all: "Goodbye lips, goodbye...
Never trust a smiling cross..."
or (repeat the first 2 lines)
front: "We fucked you first!"
back: "We fucked you BETTER!"
front: "We faked the orgasm!"
back: "We got it on videotape!"
or
front: "Back row sucks"
back: "Only if you're lucky"
or
"Fuck the back row" "Fuck the front row, it's cheaper!"
"Fuck the second row, it's free!"
"Fuck the third row, they pay you!"
or
"Fuck the back row!" "You fuck the back row!"
"We'll all fuck the back row!"
"Gang bang the back row!!"
or "Yay back row!" }
Oh Oh Oh
To the late night, double feature, { echo "Fuck your teacher" }
picture show.
{ "Bye lips" }
(lips fade into a picture of a cross)
{ "Never trust a smiling cross"
or "These lips died for your sins!" }
{ "Crucify! Crucify! Crucify!..." }
{ "What time is it? It's 4 minutes to 12.
It's ALWAYS 4 minutes to 12!" }
{ Push the steeple of the church up, "Ring the bell!"
"Knock on the door!" }
{ "What a great movie, even the church gets it up" }
{ "Hey, what time is it?... Oh shit, I'm late"
"Better late than pregnant"
"Oh shit, they're pushing religion on us!" }
{ "Hey! Don't put your cigarette out on that!
That's sacriledge, god dammit!" }
Dentonian Here they come! { "And there they go" }
(Dentonians cheer and throw rice)
{ throw RICE }
Photographer Let's get a picture. Close together now.
{ "Who do you want to fuck?"
or "Hey, you dumpy little midget!
Who do you want to fuck in this picture?" }
The folks and then
the grandparents. Yes, all the close family.
{ "That could take a while!" }
{ "This family's a bit TOO close" }
{ "Wait! Make sure you get the mistress in the picture!" }
Ahhh, hold that. Beautiful. And... (snap)
{ evil laugh "Now I've got your souls! Nudge nudge,
Poke poke, Say no more say no more"
or "It's Lenny and Squiggy!"
or "Homosexuals, with cameras!"
"Hey, what's wrong with cameras?" }
{ "Hey, check out that priest with his back turned!"
"You would check out a priest with his back turned"
"It's a hobby" }
{ "We see you Riff Raff, but the virgins don't" }
{ "Hey, fat girl, you dropped something!" }
(little girl bends over)
Dentonian Congratulations.
{ "Thank you" in a voice like the Dentonian
or "Ejaculations" }
Ralph I guess we finally did it, huh.
{ "You're going to do it tonight" }
{ "Hit the man who gave you AIDS!... Hit him back!"
or "Let's have a contest to see who can punch the softest!"
or "Let's have an Asshole-Punching contest"
or "Kick ass! BOOM! POW! Faggot boxing"
or "Asshole fight! Hit him! Hit him back!"
or "OW" after each punch }
Brad I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and Betty
have been almost inseparable since { "the operation" }
you met in Dr. Scott's Refresher class.
{ "Should have used KY instead of super glue" }
{ "Yeah,Here camera"... etc. stand and wave to camera }
Ralph Well to tell you the truth, Brad, That's the only reason I
showed up in the first place. (chuckles) { "Lier!" }
Betty O.K. you guys, this is it. (everyone screams)
{ "EARTHQUAKE!!!" }
Ralph Well Betty's going to throw the bouquet. { throw BOUQUET }
{ "Betty's going to toss her wad!" }
{ chant "Who's got the clap?" and clap
or "Do you have syph?"
or "Hey, Janet! Who's got VD?"
or "Catch it Janet!" }
Janet I got it! I got it!
{ "She always gets it" }
Ralph Hey big fella, { "How would you know?" }
looks like it could be your turn next, eh?
{ "No, it's his turn first" }
Brad Who knows. { "Who cares, why bother" or "The shadow knows" }
Ralph Well, so long, see you Brad. { "See ya sucker" }
Guess we better get going now Betty. Come on, hop in.
{ "Think about it asshole, long and hard.
Did you change your underwear this morning?
Once for yes, twice for no, slap that car and make it go"
or "Think about it asshole, did you shave today?
And why does your finger smell like Janet?"
or "Adjust your glasses! Adjust your chin!
Now get the fuck out so we can read the car!"
or "Think about it asshole, did you shave this morning?
While you think about it, we'll read the car"
or "Think about it asshole, she got her's, now he'll get his"
or "Think about it asshole, did you wipe your ass this
morning?"
or "Should I tell Lois I'm Superman?" }
{ "Hit the car twice if you're an asshole!... Thought so"
or "Hey Brad, if you wanna fuck, knock on the hood twice"
or "Hey Brad, slap the car twice if you're a flaming
homosexual who likes to fuck dead armadillos in a pool
of lime green jello!"
or "There's a smurf on the hood, kill it Brad...
La La, LaLaLaLa... movie 1, smurfs nothing!"
"Medic smurf!" }
{ "That's Ralph's cum, but it's Betty's handwriting" }
(Brad hits the car twice. They drive away)
{ "It's the Boston Marathon!" }
{ "And the moral of our story is..." }
(sign saying "Be just and fear not")
{ "Be drunk and care not"
or "Be just and fear twat.
Be stoned and fear nothing.
Be on acid and fear everything.
Be smart and fear women.
Be drunk and don't care.
Drink blood and fear sunlight"
or "Be stoned and fear nothing...
Take acid and fear everything... Except old people..."
(this has to be timed right, say
"old people" when it shows the old people) }
{ "The Geritol twins" to the old couple
or "Oh shit I missed the bus" }
(small ray of light in the lens)
{ "It's Glinda, Good Witch of the North!" }
{ "Janet, what did you say after Lesbian Oil Wrestling" }
Janet Oh Brad, wasn't it wonderful? { "No!" }
Wasn't Betty radiantly beautiful?
{ "No! She looked like shit!" }
I can't believe it. An hour ago she was just plain old
Betty Monroe,
{ echo "playing with herself" or echo "Betty the ho" }
and now...
{ "now she doesn't have to" or "now she's a slut" }
now she's Mrs. Ralph Hapshatt.
{ "I'd rather be Betty Monroe"
or "Hap-SHIT, past tense, will travel" "not very far"
or "Hap-SHIT" "Gesuntheit"
or "Hap-SHIT" "Hap-shit's better than no shit!" "No shit" }
{ "Hey Brad, has Ralph seen you naked?" }
Brad Yes Janet, Ralph is a lucky guy.
{ "No he's not, she's got syph"
or "No he's not, she's got clap" clap hands }
Janet Yes.
Dentonian I always cry at weddings.
{ "And laugh at funerals" "And chuckle at circumcisions"
or "And laugh at funerals, when's yours Bitch?"
or "So do I"
or "What the fuck do you do at funerals, bitch?" }
{ "Show me an angel masturbating. Thank you"
or "HEY! Show me and angel masturbating...
LOOK! It's SAINT PETER!"
or "When I said erect a statue of an angel,
this is NOT what I meant!"
or "Show me Pee Wee herman in the afterlife"
or "Check out the fairie masturbating"
"You would check out a fairie masturbating!"
"It's a hobby" }
Brad Everyone knows that Betty is a wonderful little cook.
{ echo "fuck" }
{ "And she's a great little fuck too"
or "She's the hottest baked potato in Denton...
Yay Denton! home of the happy hookers"
or "She cooks like shit, and sucks like a vacuum cleaner" }
Janet Yes.
Brad Why Ralph himself, he'll be up for a promotion
in a year or two.
{ "If he doesn't get busted first"
or "He'll get his promotion tonight"
or "He'll get a raise tonight" }
(Brad and Janet stroll through the cemetary)
{ "As long as we're in the cemetary, let's bury Bostwick" }
{ "Sadly, Mel Blanc lies in an unmarked grave" }
{ "And THERE'S where Paul McCartney is buried!" }
{ when sign appears "Denton Denton Rah Rah Rah,
Denton Denton eat me raw, Yay Denton"
or "Yay Denton, the home of happiness!" }
{ "What's a sign doing in the middle of a graveyard?"
"Advertising!"
or "Its never to late to learn how to read"
or "What the fuck's a billboard doing in a cemetery?"
"What the fuck's a cemetery doing in front
of a billboard?" }
{ "Hey, that sign has a heart-on" }
{ "Arrow points to the air-head"
or "Arrow points at the slut"
"She's not a slut yet, give her time" }
Janet Yes.
Dammit Janet
{ "Brad, what do you say when you want to fuck?"
or "What do horses eat, asshole?" }
Brad Hey Janet.
{ "Sit on my face and melt my glasses!"
or "Sit on my face and wiggle and scream and cum!"
"Why? Is you nose longer than your dick?" }
Janet Yes Brad?
Bead I've got something to say
{ "Then say it, don't sing it!"
"Don't say it, sing it!"
or "Sing it, asshole! This is a muscial!" }
Janet Uh huh.
Brad I really love { "To fuck with a man" }
the
{ "Starts with an S...Sku...Sku...Sku..."
or "Sk... Sk... scabs on your cunt!" }
skillful way...
{ "what a fucking genius"
or "you give head" }
you beat the other girls... { "With whips and chains?" }
to the bride's bouquet. { "Oh, that too..." }
Janet Oh Brad. { "Eat your veggies, bitch!" or "Flower fucker!" }
{ audience echoes 'Janet's, 'Oh Brad's, 'Dammit Janet's }
{ "Sing it asshole!" }
Brad The river was deep but I swam it (Chorus: Janet)
The future is ours so let's plan it. (Janet)
So please don't tell me to can it. (Janet)
{ "Shut up!" or "Awww, can it!" }
I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet I love you.
{ echo "fuck off bitch, I wanna screw"
or echo "Dammit, Janet, you're a slut" }
{ "Wanna kiss? Psyche!" }
{ "Rewind!" }
The road was long but I ran it (Janet) { "backwards" }
{ "Only assholes run backwards!" }
There's a fire in my heart { echo "pants" }
and you { "blew it out" }
fan it (Janet)
If there's one fool { echo "fag" }
for you then I am it. (Janet)
{ get to the right-hand corner of the screen
and say "Fuck you, Riff!"
or "Hey Riff, Show us how you want to fuck Janet!" }
(Riff throws pitchfork into ground)
{ fall down as Riff throws the pitchfork
or "Well ok but that might hurt!"
or "OW MY EYE!!!" }
{ "Draw Janet's ass!" }
I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet I love you.
{ echo "only assholes carry chalk"
"And only weirdos carry erasers"
or echo "only assholes write on doors"
or echo "assholes write on church doors too" }
{ "Look, the door has a heart-on }
Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker.
{ echo "...that I play poker"
or "just an asshole"
or "She got hers, now he'll get his"
"He got it in a Cracker Jack Box" }
There's three ways that love { echo "Janet" } can grow
{ echo "There's three ways Janet can go"
or echo "There's three ways my dick can grow"
"Small, medium, and OH MY GOD!" }
{ "sex, drugs and rock and roll"
or "Sex, sex and sex" or "42, 69, hike"
or "Sex, drugs and four year olds" }
That's good, bad, or mediocre.
{ echo "That's straight, gay, or bi-sexual!"
or echo "straight, gay, and bestial"
or echo "gay, straight, or trisexual... I'll try ANYTHING!!!"
or echo "up, down, and sideways" }
{ "How do you spell slut?"
or "How does Dan Quayle spell relief?" }
Oh J-A-N-E-T
{ People on the front row, raise LETTER CARDS }
{ "The 'O' is silent" }
I { "Who's Ojaneti?" }
love you so.
{ echo "I want a blow"
or echo "I fucked your nose!" "It shows" }
{ "Fall, Asshole!" }
{ "Don't drop it!"
or "Assholes always drop the ring" }
{ throw RING }
{ "How was your orgasm?" or "Describe your twat!" }
Janet Oh, it's nicer than Betty Monroe had. (Oh Brad)
{ "Black is for sluts!" }
{ "Turn the flowers it's a funeral now!" }
Now we're engaged and I'm so glad (Oh Brad)
That you met Mom and you know Dad. (Oh Brad)
{ echo "That you fuck Mom and you blow Dad" }
I've one thing to say and that's Brad, I'm mad, for you too.
{ echo "Brad, I fucked, your sister too"
or echo "Brad, you fag, fuck you too"
or echo "for a screw"
or echo "let's go screw" }
Oh Brad...
{ "Hey asshole, how do you walk with a hard-on?"
or "Sluts strut" "assholes shuffle"
or "It's the Asshole Two-Step!"
or "It's time for the Asshole Shuffle!" }
Brad Oh... dammit. { echo "Oh... shit }
Janet I'm mad... { echo "I'm pregnant" }
Brad Oh... Janet. { echo "Oh... shit" }
Janet ...for you. { echo "It's not yours" }
Brad I love you too.
{ echo "I love to screw-ew-ew-ew"
or echo "I wonder who-o-o" }
Brad & Janet There's one thing left to do - ah - oo.
{ echo "ah-choo" or echo "that's screw" }
{ "Bury a midget" }
Brad And that's go see the man who began it. (Janet)
{ "He's in the box!" }
{ echo "let's fuck the man in the casket" "It's a box"
or echo "go pick my nose and then flick it" }
When we met in his science exam-it (Janet)
{ echo "I'm not sure where I should stick it"
or "What the fuck is an examit?" }
{ "He's STILL in the box!" }
Made me give you the eye and then panic (Janet)
{ echo "Made me piss in my pants and then panic"
or echo "Made me cum in your eye and then panic"
or echo "Maybe I'd better just lick it"
or echo "Made me pull up your skirt and then cram it" }
Now I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet,
I love you.
Dammit, Janet.
{ echo "Dammit, Janet, you're a slut!"
"And a bitch, and a whore, and a whole lot more!" }
{ "It's the Asshole Waltz!" }
Janet Oh Brad, I'm mad. { echo "you fag" }
Brad Dammit, Janet.
Brad & Janet I love you. { echo "I love screw" }
{ "Watch as the amazing contortionist Janet Weiss bends over
and kisses her own asshole"
"Boy, is she flexible!"
or "What you're about to see is a virgin kiss,
three assholes, and a 4 way split...
The virgin kiss...Three assholes...
And a 4 way split...NOW!" }
{ when they kiss "They probably have halitosis!" }
{ at the picture of the cross "Symbolism" }
{ "the man you're about to see has NO FUCKING NECK
but has a great fuckable chin"
or "The man you're about to see has no fucking neck, a pussy
on his chin, and a chicken's footprint on his forehead"
or "Where's your fucking neck?!? The man has no fucking
neck! Hit it, neck"
or "to tell you what has just begun, here comes
no neck number one" }
{ "I bet you'd like something, wouldn't you?
You beady eyed butt-fucker!" "He's not beady eyed"
or "Would you like to fuck a chipmunk?"
or "U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly, you ugly,
yo mama says you ugly,
and your daddy dresses you funny!" }
{ go up to the screen and turn Crim's chair }
Narrator I would like, { "you would, would you?" or "a fucking neck" }
ah, if I may, { "You may not!" } ...to take you
{ "Where?" or "Take me take me" }
on a strange journey
{ "How strange was it?
So strange they made a movie about it!
Not the book, the movie! Same book every fucking week!"
or "You want a strange journey, jump up my ass!"
"You want an even stranger journey,
jump up your own ass!" }
(goes for black book)
{ "Remember, me? I'm the kid who had a report due on space.
Well, I'm all grown up now and I'm STILL selling these
fucking encyclopedias!"
"He had a report due on space"
"I think I made that abundantly clear"
"Let's have that 800 number!" }
{ "Tell me about the Rabbits again, George!"
or "Fractured fairy taled with Edward Everett Horton"
or "Tell us another grim fairy tale, uncle Chuck!" }
(opens book)
{ "Not the book, the MOVIE" }
{ "And this pervert took pictures!" "and you're in 'em!"
"Damn straight" "Not what I heard" "Who told?" }
{ "Three pages to the asshole. aye, zvei,
zvei and a half, dray" }
It seemed a fairly ordinary night { "Ordinary?" }
when Brad Majors,
{ "Asshole! and a statement to prove it!" }
and his fiancee
{ "Oh my god, it's a talking head"
"I ain't got no body!" (sung)
or "The book ate his neck! The book ate his neck!" }
Janet Weiss,
{ "Slut!" or "Slut, bitch, whore!" }
{ "And a statement to prove it!" }
two young, normal, { "normal?" } healthy { "healthy?" } kids,
{ "who masturbate constantly" }
left Denton
{ "Denton Denton rah rah rah, Denton Denton eat me raw,
yeah Denton" }
that late November { "November?" }
evening, to visit a Dr. Everett Scott, { echo "snotssssss" }
{ "Great Scott, he's got wheels but no breaks.
He's a horny parapalegic"
or "The bastard child of Mary Poppins and R2D2,
And a statement to prove it!"
or "Brownnose kiss-ass paraplegic prick.
And a statement to prove it!" }
ex-tutor, { echo "sex-tutor" }
now friend { echo "fuck" } to both of them.
{ "Is it true that you fuck dead chickens?"
or "Is it true that you're constipated?"
or "Is it true that you have elephantitis of the balls?" }
It's true there were dark storm clouds.
{ "Describe your balls"
or "Describe your balls in three words or less"
or "Describe Oprah Winfrey's tits"
or "How do you like your women?" etc. }
Heavy, { "Like your neck!" or "Yes!" }
black, { "Unlike your neck!" or "Yes!" }
and pendulous, { "Like your neck - What neck?" or "Oh, Yes!" }
toward which they were driving.
{ "Is it true also that you molest little children?"
or "Is it true also that your mother douches with Drano?"
or "Is it true also that your mother's a hooker?"
or "Is it true also that your balls ride shotgun everywhere
you go?"
or "Is it true you're also gay?"
or "Is it also true you used to fuck 'Right Said Fred'
regularly?" sing "I'm too sexy for my neck..."
etc. }
It's true, also, that the spare tire they were carrying was
badly in need of some air,
{ "Like your neck" or "So give it a blow job!" }
{ use AIR-PUMP }
but, uh, they being normal { "normal?" }
kids, on a night out...
{ "of the closet..."
or "it was a night in!"
or "it was a Days INN!"
or "A night in - and out - and in - and out - WHOO!" }
well, they weren't going to let a storm spoil the rest of
their evening, were they? { "Certainly not!" }
{ "Where's your fucking neck?" }
On a night out...
{ "I suspected as much" }
{ "It was a night in!" or "What kind of night?" }
{ "Come a little bit closer, Chucky" }
It was a night out { "OK" }
they were going to remember...
{ "For how long?"
or "And how long are you going to be a virgin?" }
for a very long time.
{ "What a fucking trip!" }
{ "You're so ugly, you've made the screen melt"
or "For those of you on acid, yes, the screen just melted"
or "Don't come on the screen!" "Ewwww..." }
{ Batman music "Batman!" }
{ sing (to Speed Racer theme)
"Here he comes
Here comes Brad Majors
He's an asshole on wheels" }
{ stand on the left side of the screen,
and attempt to hitch-hike, and fall as the car goes by }
{ "K-Tel presents Richard Nixon's greatest shit!
Available on 8-Track!" }
(Richard Nixon speech on the radio)
{ "A Dick on the radio and and asshole in the seat" }
{ "Hey Dick,have you ever been a quitter?" }
Nixon I have never been a quitter...
{ "Oh, shit!" or "No, but you're dead now..."
or "Bullshit! Your heart did!" }
To leave office before my
term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body.
{ "You call that a body?" "I call it decomposing" }
But as President { "You call that a president?" }
I must put the interests of America first.
{ "Nobody likes a crooked dick" "Speak for yourself!" }
{ "What does America need?" }
America needs a full time president...
{ "You call that a president?"
or "Not a part-time asshole!" }
{ "What else?" }
and a full time congress... { "You call that a congress?" }
{ "Ladies and gentleman! this is the part of the movie
were we imitate the windshield wipers! arms up!
Left, right, left, right.
For those of you on speed:
(quickly) Leftrightleftrightleftright.
For those of you on cocaine:
Fuckin'-left, fuckin'-right.
For those of you on acid:
Red, orange, yellow, green, blue.
For those of you on crack:
(clap hands)
For those of you who are dislexic:
(crossing arms) Left, right, left, right.
For those of you on Marijuana:
The snack bar is still open.
For those of you on rhufenal:
Come with me.
For those of you already horny:
In, out, in, out.
For those of you on Quaaludes:
(slowly) leffft, rigght, leffft, rigght
For those of you on acid:
(like grabbing a ball in midair) Red, orange, yellow,
blue, purple, red, SPIDERS! (duck)
For those of you on crack:
(abruptly clutch chest and fall down)
For those of you on marijuana:
the snack bar is between Janet's legs,
and they're still open (run down aisle)
Thank you!"
or "Asshole, Slut, asshole, slut" }
{ "How many motorcycles passed?"
or "Count the motorcycles, bitch. That's ONE!" }
Janet Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's passes us.
{ "No it's the first, bitch!" or "Bitch still can't count!" }
They sure do take their lives in their hands,
{ "Brad takes something into his hands a lot of the time!" }
what with the weather and all.
{ "Say something stupid, asshole!" }
Brad Yes, life's pretty cheap to that type.
{ "So is Janet!"
or "I'm that type!"
or "Yay that type!" }
{ "She chews and chews and chews but never swallows!"
or "She's a cow! She's chewing her cud!"
or "Janet's eating ex-lax" "With nuts, and liking it!" }
{ "Squirt, squirt, squirt..." }
Janet Oh. ...What's the matter, Brad darling?
{ "I got cum on the windshield"
or "I came on the windshield" }
{ "Make sound like a cow" }
Brad Oooh. We must have taken the wrong fork a few miles back.
{ "You took the salad fork!"
or "You should have taken the right spoon!"
or "Asshole!"
or "Fork you!" }
Janet Oh, but where did those motorcycles come from?
{ "Japan" or "do-do-do-do..." etc. to twilight zone theme }
{ "Do you have mad cow disease Brad?" }
Brad Hmmm... well I guess we'll just have to turn back.
{ "No, don't turn back!" or "The cameraman's my brother!" }
{ "Oh shit, there's a pervert in the back seat!"
"That's where they usually are!"
or "OK but watch out for the pointy thing
in the middle of the road..." }
{ "Look out!" or "Brad, what's your favourite sound effect?" }
{ "Grab that tit! Grab that tit!"
or "Hey Brad, go for her tit, it's open" }
(Boom!)
{ "He stopped short!" or "BAZOOM!" }
Janet Oh! What was that bang?
{ "a gang bang bitch, and you weren't invited"
or "The cameraman"
or "It was Kurt Cobain riding shotgun"
or "I just shot Marvin in the face!" }
Brad We must have a blowout. { "Kill the smurf, kill the smurf" }
DAMMIT!
{ "movie 2 smurfs nothing. Medic smurf!" or "Janet"
or Slap the back of seat when Brad does }
{ "A blowout on the outside and a blowjob on the inside" }
I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed.
{ "Asshole!" or "That's what Ennis Cosby said!"
or "You'll say that when you get her pregnant!" }
Well, you just stay here and keep warm and I'll go for help.
Janet But where will you go in the middle of nowhere?
{ 'Jeopardy' theme song
or "To the edge of nowhere!"
or "Frankie's fucking palace"
or "Behind a bush" }
{ "What's white and tastes like shit?"
or "Try the castle!"
or "What's white and sells hamburgers?" }
Brad ...Didn't we pass a castle { echo "gallstone" }
back down the road a few miles?
{ Cheers! "Genius!" }
{ "Janet, do your impression of Monica Lewinsky!" }
Maybe they have a telephone we could use.
{ "Castles don't have phones, asshole!"
"Assholes don't have castles, telephone!"
repeat whenever appropriate
or "Or a transvestite" }
Janet I'm going with you.
Brad Oh, no, darling, there's no sense in both of us getting wet.
{ "She's already wet! Check the seat!"
or "She's already wet! She rode on the gearshift!" }
Janet I'm coming with you! { "That'll be a first" }
Besides darling,
the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman
{ "He is!" "He's gorgeous" }
and you might never come back.
{ "You should be so lucky!" }
(Brad laughs)
{ "It's an impressionist painting!" }
Brad Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey.
{ "Brad, kick the tire if you're an asshole!"
or "... kick something flatter than Janet's chest"
or "Hey Brad, those are self-inflating tires!
Kick 'em twice to activate them!" (He kicks once)
"ASSHOLE!"
or "How does an asshole fix a car?"
or "Hey Brad, why don't you get out and kick the tires!
It always seems to work in the movies..."
or "Shur-Fine tires!"
or "Should've gone to Allied discounts tires!
Tires ain't pretty, Janet ain't pretty, but their both
cheap and give you a good ride... ALLIED!" }
(they get out of the car, Brad kicks the tire)
(it's raining, and Janet puts newspaper over her head)
{ NEWSPAPERS over heads, start with the SQUIRT GUN }
{ "Buy an umbrella you cheap bitch!" }
{ "I want chicken legs!"
or "Hey, Janet, show us how a chicken walks!
Sluts on the left... No, sluts on the right...
No, sluts on the left... Ah, fuck it!"
or "Watch out for Colonel Sanders with those legs!" }
{ "It's raining, it's pouring. Janet's gone a-whoring.
For a nickle or a dime, she will do it anytime.
If you have a credit card, she will do it extra hard.
Janet's got VD, enter at your own risk.
Special effects, please!"
(lightning on sign)
"Thank you, Steven Spielberg"
"Fuck you, Steven Spielberg. I hated E.T"
"E.T. hated you" }
{ "That sign belongs between Janet's legs, and on the other
side it says 'slippery when wet'"
or "Show us the sign over Madonna's bed"
or "If you don't risk it we won't have a movie"
or "Risk it, risk it!" }
{ "How long does it take to read five fucking words?"
"Five fucking scenes" "But there's only four fucking scenes
in this movie" "Then we get to improvise one" }
{ "Fuck you, Zeus!" }
(lightning flashes)
{ "Now Janet, don't hit that slut-eating tree, because then
you'll have to sing and nobody wants that to hap---"
or "Hey, Janet. Watch out for that slut-eating tree!"
"It's a tree-eating slut"
or "Hey, Janet. Watch out for that slut-eating tree
that makes bitches sing incredibly off-key"
or "Janet, Show us your best Sonny Bono impression" }
Over At The Frankenstein Place
{ "Sing it bitch" }
{ "where do you like to masturbate,Janet?" }
Janet In the velvet darkness, { "between your thighs" }
Of the blackest night, { "same thing" }
Burning bright, { "What's up your ass?" }
there's a guiding star. { echo "there's a brand new car" }
{ "With the doors open!" or "That must hurt!"
or "That's what they're for" }
{ "Hey Janet, will you fuck me no matter what?" }
No matter what { "Or who I are?" } or who you are.
{ "Sing it asshole, it's a duet!" }
Brad & Janet There's a light...
{ echo "There's a dyke" or "Where's my baby?" }
{ light MATCHES on 'light' }
{ "Where's the best place to get fucked?" }
Chorus Over at the Frankenstein place.
{ echo "Sitting on your mother's face" }
Brad & Janet There's a light... { echo "There's a dyke" }
{ "Where's Santa Claus?!"
or "Where's the evidence in OJ's trial?"
or "Where are the children?"
or "Where does Barney Belong?"
or "Where'd you stash the pot?"
or "Where's David Koresh?"
or "Where's Hootie and the Blowfish?"
or "Where are the Whitewater Files?"
or "Wheres the Cast of Schindler's List?" }
Chorus Burning in the fireplace.
{ echo "Burning down the fucking place" }
Brad & Janet There's a light, { echo "dyke" } light { echo "dyke" }
{ "Where's Ray Charles?" }
in the darkness
{ MATCHES out on 'darkness' -
"Darkness you virgins!" if any lights still on }
of everybody's life.
{ echo "between your mother's thighs" }
(The following section exists in the stage performance)
Brad I can see the flag fly
I can see the rain
Just the same, there has got to be
Something better here for you and me.
Brad & Janet There's a light...
Chorus Over at the Frankenstein place.
Brad & Janet There's a light...
Chorus Burning in the fireplace.
Brad & Janet There's a light, light in the darkness of everybody's life.
{ "Sing to us, oh hairless one!" }
{ "Why is there a dick on this man's shoulder?" }
{ "We're not worthy, we're not worthy" }
Riff Raff The darkness must go down the river of night's dreaming.
{ "I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille!" }
Flow morphia slow, let the sun and light come streaming
{ "It's the amazing shrinking Riff Raff"
or "Watch out for the quick sand, Riff"
or "Pull your brother down, Magenta"
or "I'm going down on my sister now"
or "I'm melting!!! I'm melting!!!"
or "Norman? Come in from the rain, Norman" }
Into my life. Into my life...
Brad & Janet There's a light... { echo "dyke" }
{ MATCHES again }
Chorus Over at the Frankenstein place.
{ echo "Sitting on MY mother's face" }
Brad & Janet There's a light... { echo "dyke" }
{ Stand near middle of screen, hold your hands several feet
apart, and announce to the audience that "My dick is THIS
big! And if I'm lying, may God strike me dead"
Drop to floor when lightning strikes
or light a lighter
or say "I have a copy of the 'Revenge' script!" }
{ "The BeeGee's should be kept..." }
Chorus Burning in the fireplace.
There's a light { echo "dyke" } , a light { echo "dyke" }
{ "Where's Stevie Wonder?" }
Brad & Janet ...in the darkness { MATCHES off on 'darkness' }
of everybody's life { echo "between my mother's thighs" }
{ "Betsy Ross used to sit at home and sew, and sew and sew..."
or "Betsy Ross used to sit home and fuck herself
and fuck herself..."
or "What's the smell coming from your shoe? You've stepped
in no-neck number two..." }
Narrator And so, { "She had time to sew?" }
{ "This guy is so gay, he can't even draw a straight line"
or "No wonder they're lost, he's got the fucking map"
"You need a map to fuck?"
"No, but sometimes to find my way out"
or "It's a map to fucking Denton"
"Denton doesn't fuck, I've been there"
"That's why"
or "That's not Denton!"
"Hell, that's not even Texas!" }
it seemed that fortune had smiled on Brad and Janet
{ "unlike your neck" }
and that they had found the assistance that their plight
required. { "Or had they?" or "Are you sure?" }
Or had they?
{ "I asked you first!" }
{ "Nyah-ha-ha" }
{ "Look! It's Scooby-Doo on acid!"
or "Look, Scooby-doo got stoned!"
or "It's Big Bird on Steroids" }
{ "Hey, Janet. Why is there a condom in your hair?"
"It's to prevent hearing aids" }
Janet Brad, let's go back, I'm cold and frightened...
Brad Just a moment Janet, they might have a phone.
{ "Castles don't have phones, asshole!" }
{ "Ding-dong asshole calling, wanna buy some asshole cookies?"
"No thanks, I tried them and they tasted like shit"
"What do you think they're made of?"
or "Ding-dong asshole calling! Sluts for sale, real cheap!"
"So cheap, she has a condom in her hair"
or "Ding-dong asshole calling! Avon couldn't make it"
or "Ding dong asshole calling sluts for sale
get 'em while they're wet... Janet's always wet" }
{ "1-2-3-4. Open up the fucking door!"
"5-6-7-8. Quick before they masturbate. Too late..." }
{ "Door-gasm!" as Riff opens the door }
{ "Say hello, Riff"
or "Say Jello in Spanish"
or "What's satanic jello?"
or "What's your favourite Lionel Richie song?"
or "Say something sexy like jello in Spanish"
or "Hey Riff, whats your favorite 5 letter salutation?" }
Riff Raff Hello.
{ "Mine's 'dancing on the ceiling'"
or "...and welcome to the crystal maze"
or "Mine's eat me" "No fair, 2 words" "5 letters" }
{ "Brad, how do you feel?"
or "Are you drunk or high, Brad?" }
Brad Hi! My name is Brad Majors.
{ "And what are you selling us tonight?" }
This is my fiancee, Janet Weiss.
I wonder if you could help us.
You see our car broke down { "Bullshit, you got a flat!" }
a few miles up the road...
do you have a phone we might use?
{ "Feel between Janet's legs" }
Riff Raff You're wet.
{ "no shit, Sherlock" }
{ "Are you a slut?"
or "Do you have your waterproof vibrator with you?"
or "Hey Janet, are you gay?"
or "Do sluts give good weather reports?" }
Janet Yes,
{ "How's the weather?" or "Why?" or "Prove it!" }
it's raining.
{ "no shit, Janet!" or "good reason" }
{ "Brad,are you gay?"
or "Are you an asshole, Brad?" }
Brad Yes.
{ "Riff, are you gay?"
or "Are you on drugs, Riff?"
or "Riff, do you fuck your sister?" }
Riff Raff Yes...
{ "God, are you gay?" or "Is OJ guilty, God?" }
(lightning strikes, illuminating motorcycles)
{ "Sorry, just kidding"
or "You weren't supposed to see that!"
or "Riff is a used Honda dealer"
or "Motorcycles! We'll ride out of here on those motorcyl...
Oh, nevermind" }
I think that perhaps you both better
{ "Fuck off" or "Get lost" }
come inside.
{ "I don't care where you cum, as long as you clean it up"
"I don't care if you clean up, as long as you come"
"I don't care if you clean it up as long as I can Come to"
"I don't care what you come as long as it is/isn't GREEN!"
or "Better than coming outside or not coming at all"
or "I don't care where you come as long as I come first
and you lick it up" }
{ "How kind is he?" }
Janet You're too kind.
{ "no he's not"
or "No, he's 3 kinds: boys, girls and Magenta"
or "No, he's three of a kind. He's trisexual, he'll
try anything" }
(Brad flaps the lapels of his jacket to dry off)
{ "Brad, show us how an asshole flies!"
"Better than John Denver!"
or "Brad beat off your jacket!
Janet, get that condom out of your hair!"
or "Brad, show us how a butterfly masturbates!"
"Janet, there's some cum in your hair!" }
{ "Can you see the domestic in this picture?"
"No there's a slut in the way!"
or "Can you spot the lesbian in this picture?"
"I've never seen a spotted lesbian!"
"You've never seen my sister" }
Oh Brad, I'm frightened. What kind of place is this?
{ "Describe the white house"
or "Describe the Whitewater Scandale!"
or "What's my apartment like?"
or "Brad, describe " }
Brad Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich
weirdoes.
{ "Yay rich weirdoes!"
or "Rich weirdoes are out of season!"
or "Not rich, just weird" }
Janet Oh. (forlornly)
{ "Riff, how do you finger-fuck your sister?" "often"
or "Which way?" }
Riff Raff This way.
{ "Follow the bouncing thumb"
or "Riff's got chronic Nintendo thumb"
or "I got a booger on my finger and I can't get it off"
"I don't have a booger on my finger,
but I can get you off!" }
{ "Janet, what did you say when you caught
Brad masturbating?" }
Janet Are you having a party?
{ "No, it's my sister's bat mitzvah"
or "No,it's my sister's bas-period, can't you see
the blood on my shirt?"
or "Do you see any fucking tupperware?"
or "Yes, would you like to see some tupperware?" }
{ "What kind of night is it?" }
Riff Raff You've arrived on a very special night. It's one of the
master's affairs.
{ "Which one? He has so many" "The sixty-ninth!"
or "Which one? Which gender? Which species?"
or "Number sixty-nine in the series. Collect them all" }
{ "Don't say the 'L' word!" }
Janet Oh, lucky him.
{ "Nice going, bitch!" }
{ echo the next line }
Magenta You're lucky, He's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky!
ha ha ha ha ha
{ echo "The banister's lucky!"
"No it's not, she's got wood-worms! And it's got syph!"
"Who's going to pick the splinters out of Magenta's twat?"
"Who's going to pick the splinters out of Riff's tongue?"
or echo "The banister's lucky!"
"No, the banister's sticky!"
"I call that lucky!"
or "The banister's lucky. It just got waxed"
or "oh shit, Magenta's got termites in the cunt again...
Call Orkin!"
or "Does she polish all the furniture that way?" }
(clock chimes seven times) (note: the clock reads 6 o'clock)
{ "Hey Riff, show us your mother"
or "Hey Riff, show us "
or "Hey Riff, where do you keep your pipe bombs
for the Atlanta Olympics?"
or "Hey Riff, could you show us that pop singer, you know,
the one that dies of anorexia...
Ladies and Gentlemen, miss Karen Carpenter!" }
(Riff opens clock, a skeleton revealed)
{ "You look different, have you lost weight?" }
{ "Please, I'm already dead. No need to kick me
in the crotch" }
The Time Warp
{ "What do you think of my penis?" }
Riff Raff It's astounding;
Time is fleeting;
{ "What's your favourite rock group?"
or "Why are we here?" }
{ "What's the East-West Expressway?" }
Madness { "they suck!" or "thought so!" }
{ "What's it take?" }
takes it's toll.
{ "69 cents, please!" "so does New Jersey" }
But listen closely...
{ "For how long?" }
Magenta Not for very much longer.
{ "How many balls have you got?" }
Riff Raff I've got to { "I've got three!" }
keep control. { echo "Smoke a bowl!" or "Loose it!" }
I remember { "What?" }
doing the time-warp.
{ "Kick Kick" or "1 2" }
Drinking { "Jack Daniel's" or "Patricia Quin" }
those moments when
The blackness would hit me { "Ouch!" }
Riff & Magenta And a void would be calling... { "What's it say?" }
Transylvanians Let's do the time-warp again.
{ echo "Let's fuck the middle class again"
or echo "Let's do the same shit again" }
Let's do the time-warp again.
{ Here are the instructions: Do it!
Use How to Time Warp Fliers }
{ "How's it done?" }
Narrator It's just a jump to the left.
All And then a step to the right.
Narrator With you're hands on you hips.
{ echo "tits, or somebody else's" }
All You bring your knees in tight.
{ "2-4-6-8-Huh!" }
But it's the pelvic thrust
{ "oooo ahhh" or "group sex"
or "fuck" with each thrust }
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
{ "How does cum taste?" }
Magenta It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.
{ "Why do you wear all that makeup?" }
So you can't see me,
{ "do you douche?" }
no, not at all. { "smells it" }
{ "Where do you fuck/masturbate?" }
In another dimension,
{ "How/Why do you fuck/masturbate?" }
with voyeuristic intention,
{ "Where are your tits?" }
Well secluded,
{ "What do you see?" or "What do you see on acid?"
or "Do you see this?" while flipping her off }
I see all. { echo "The floor" }
{ "Oh, shit!" }
Riff Raff With a bit of a mind flip { echo "Fuck" }
Magenta You're into the time slip. { echo "Suck" }
{ "Fuck that bird! grease that pole! eat that bagel"
"no thanks, I'm not Jewish" / "no thanks, it's not kosher"
or "Tetley for your tea, sir?" "no thanks"
or "Fuck that bird!
Now that's what I call foul masturbation" }
Riff Raff And nothing { echo "bagels" }
can ever be the same.
{ argue about the doughnut being a bagel
or the other way around }
Magenta You're spaced out on sensation.
{ "What's it like fucking your sister, Riff?"
or "What's it like, watching this movie?" }
Riff Raff Like you're under sedation.
All Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
{ "Sing it Nelly" }
{ Sing 'Ooh-wee-ooh-ooh's, ala the Beach Boys }
Columbia Well I was walking down the street just having a think
When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.
He shook me up, he took me by surprise
He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.
{ echo "He put his twelve-inch dick,
right between my thighs" }
He stared at me and I felt a change.
Time meant nothing, never would again.
{ alternate lyrics:
"I was walkin' down the street after havin' a drink
when a snake of a guy showed me his little dink.
He whipped it out and stroked it side to side.
It had a purple tip and was circumcised.
He smiled at me, and then he came.
Size meant nuthin', never would again" }
All Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Narrator It's just a jump to the left.
All And then a step to the right.
Narrator With you're hands on you hips.
{ echo "tits, or somebody else's"
or echo "Put your dick in your lips"
or echo "Put your hands on my dick" }
All You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
{ "oooo ahhh" or "group sex" with each thrust }
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
{ "Out-in-out-in-out, just like sex!"
"I don't just like sex, I LOVE sex!" }
Let's do the time-warp again.
(Columbia tap dances)
{
"2, 4, 6, 8 Show us how you masturbate
3, 5, 7, 9 We know you do it all the time
1, 2, 3, 4 Dance you little fuckin' whore"
or
"2, 4, 6, 8 Show us how you masturbate
3, 5, 7, 9 If she can do it, so can I
10, 20, 30, 40 now we know you're really horny
4, 6, 8, 10 Clean it up and start again"
or
"2, 4, 6, 8 Show us how you masturbate
3, 5, 7, 9 We know you do it all the time
4, 6, 8, 10 Do it for us once again
5, 7, 9, 11 Suck my dick and go to heaven
6, 8, 10, 12 She's so hot she'll blow a valve"
or "2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, 14 Eat your heart out Ann Miller!" }
{ "Eat your heart out, Ann Miller!
Eat yourself out, Ann Miller!
Eat ME out, Ann Miller! Who the fuck is Ann Miller?"
or "Eat me out, Paula Abdul!" }
{ "Don't fall... Don't fall... Awww!" }
All Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Narrator It's just a jump to the left.
{ echo "Get the fuck off the desk" }
All And then a step to the right.
Narrator With you're hands on you hips.
{ echo "tits, or somebody else's" }
All You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust { "oooo ahhh" or "group sex"
with each thrust }
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
{ "Disco style!" "Disco has no style" }
Let's do the time-warp again.
{ "Fall down if you're horney!
Only virgins go all the way!"
or "Fall down if you're horney!"
"Stand up if you're a lesbian!"
"I'm a lesbian, I fuck women!" (standing up) }
{ collapse out of exhaustion! }
{ "next time use Duracell!" }
{ "Release the poison gas"
or "It's not over until the fat lady farts" "It's over"
or "Virgins get up now. Old Rocky get up whenever the hell
they want (or they can)" }
Janet Brad, say something. (whispered)
{ echo "say something stupid so we could all get up" }
{ "I'm not moving until I see a beached whale!" }
Brad Say, { "That wasn't stupid" }
do any of you guys know how to Madison?
{ "THAT was stupid" or "asshole!" or "I do the twist myself"
or "I do the rock myself, it's stimulating!"
or "I do the rock myself" "I swim!" "I drown"
"You would" "No, Natalie would" "No, Natalie did" }
Janet Brad, please, let's get out of here.
{ "Brad, give Janet some masturbation advice" }
Brad For God's sake keep a grip on yourself.
(music cue softly at first, crescendo up)
{ stomp in time to Frank.
chant "Heel, Toe..." or chant "Oral sex, Anal sex"
or chant "Sex, and violence!"
or chant "Mucal sex, Bestial sex,
Nasal sex, Intraveinous sex!" }
Janet But it... It seems so unhealthy here.
Brad It's just a party, Janet.
Janet Well - I want to go. { "I want to come!" }
Brad Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.
Janet Well then ask the butler or someone.
Brad Just a moment, Janet - we don't want to interfere with
their celebration.
Janet This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad.
Brad They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own.
They may do some more folk { echo "fuck" } dancing.
{ "What do you say when a polar bear tries to fuck you?" }
Janet Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared
{ echo "stupid" or echo "horny" }
Brad I'm here - there's nothing to worry about.
{ "WORRY!" or "SCREAM!" or "Except THAT!"
or "It's Blacula in whiteface! Scream, honky, scream!" }
{ "Don't SCREAM, Bitch! Don't SCREAM, Bitch!" repeatedly }
{ (While Brad and Janet are arguing)
stand on chair and begin clapping to the rythm.
When Janet screams and faints scream and then get down }
(Janet screams and faints)
Sweet Transvestite
Frank How do you do, I
See you've met my
Faithful handyman. { echo "hand-job man" }
He's just a little brought down { echo "knocked up" }
Because when you knocked { "He rang!" or "He came!" }
He thought you were the candyman.
{ echo "vaseline man" or echo "vibrator repair man" }
{ throw CANDY }
Don't get strung out
{ "on drugs" or "like a tampon" or "too late" or "on PCP" }
by the way I look. { "you look like shit" }
Don't judge a book by its cover. { "price that is" }
I'm not much of a man { "No shit!" }
by the light of day
But by night I'm one hell of a lover.
{ echo "I'm one sick mother-fucker!"
or echo "I look just like your mother" }
{ "Take it off! Take it ALL off!" }
I'm a just a sweet transvestite
{ echo "god-damn faggot" }
From Transsexual, Transylvania.
{ echo "From San Francisco, California" }
Let me show you around
Maybe play you a sound. { echo "play with your mound" }
You look like you're both pretty groovy.
{ echo "Fucking Goofy" "And Micky and Donald"
or "Bull shit!" or "NOT!" }
Or if you want something visual
{ "Like this movie?" or "Try porno" }
That's not too abysmal,
{ "UN-like this movie!" or "Try kiddie porno" }
We could take in an old Steve Reeves Movie
{ "Who the fuck is Steve Reeves?"
"Superman's gay brother"
"Did he do pornos?"
or "Much better choice!" }
Brad I'm glad we caught you at home,
Could we use { echo "abuse" } your phone?
{ echo "fuck your bone?"
or "Castles don't have phones asshole!" }
We're both in a bit of a hurry.
{ echo "We don't/both want to fuck Tim Curry" or "to fuck" }
{ "Left" }
Janet Right. { "Left" }
Brad We'll just say { echo "be gay" or echo "fuck" }
where we are,
Then go back to the car. { echo "fuck in the car" }
We don't want to be any worry
{ echo "I want to fuck Tim Curry"
or echo "If you're horny and you know it,
splash the screen" }
Frank Well you got caught with a flat, { "Janet" } well,
{ "Tough shit" }
{ echo } how 'bout that? { echo "fuck my cat" "miaow" }
Well, babies, don't you panic. { "It's organic" }
By the light of the night it'll all seem all right.
I'll get you a satanic mechanic.
{ echo "As we sink in the night,
it'll all be alright,
I'll get you a titanic mechanic" "Man the lifeboats!"
or echo "A hispanic mechanic" "Si, senor!"
or "S&M" }
I'm just a sweet transvestite
{ "Boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom-boom-boom"
or "coochie coochie coochie" }
From Transsexual, Transylvania.
{ echo "San Fransisco, California" }
Why don't you stay { echo "be gay" } for the night?
Riff Raff { echo } Night. { echo "Sega" }
Frank Or maybe a bite? { echo "Or maybe for life" }
Columbia { echo } Bite.
{ "Bite not lick bitch!"
or "I said a bite,not the whole leg!"
or "Don't bite off more than you can chew!"
"Don't chew more than you can swallow!" }
Frank I could show you my favourite { "perfume" }
obsession. { echo "position" }
{ "Sex!" or "Lazagna!" or "A new fragrence by CK" }
I've been making a man
{ "Not him!" or "You call that a man?" }
With blond hair and a tan
{ echo "With a long dick in his hand"
or echo "With NO hair and NO tan"
or "You call that a tan?" }
And he's good for relieving my...
{ "sexual" or "erection" or "anal" }
tension.
I'm just a sweet transvestite
{ "Check him out..." or "Fuck him with your eyes!" }
{ "Magenta, show us how you use Columbia's leg as a dildo!" }
From Transsexual, Transylvania.
{ echo } HIT IT, HIT IT!
I'm just a sweet transvestite { echo "sweet locomotive" }
Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta Sweet transvestite
Frank From Transsexual,
Frank, Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta Transylvania.
{ "Do, re, mi, fa..." }
Frank So, { "la, ti, do" or "What?" }
Come up to the lab,
{ "I can't cum that far/high" "I can" }
And see what's on the slab.
{ echo "And fuck me on the slab"
or echo "And get fucked on the slab" }
I see you shiver with antici - (Three seconds)
{ "SAY IT!"
or "This movie would suck without audience partici..."
or "SAY IT! You've got consta..."
or "Say it! Say it! Master! Master!"
or "Say it! Say it! Consta! Consta!" }
pation.
{ "What the fuck is masterpation?"
or "That was hard to get out" }
But maybe the rain { "HALLELUJAH!" or "Is in Brad's hair" }
Isn't really to blame.
{ "Amen, brother. Pass the ammo"
or "Or maybe not"
or "No, Sue's to blame (Blane)!" }
So I'll remove the cause... { echo "your clothes" }
(Chuckles)
{ "What about the nasty little symptom?"
or "What about Bart Homer and Marge?"
or "What about OJ and Nicole?" }
But not the symptom. { echo "The Simpsons" }
(applause)
(Brad and Janet are given towels)
{ "What do you say when Frank fucks you?" }
Janet Thank you. { "Janet's on the rag..." }
{ "What do you say when Frank fucks you?" }
Brad Thank you very much. { "So's Brad" or "Fuck you very little" }
{ "Don't forget to wipe your asshole" }
(Columbia and Riff Raff start to undress Brad and Janet)
{ "Here, lemme take your coat...and your dress...
and your pants...and your wallet, and your virginity,
and anything else we can get our hands on!" }
{ "What do you say when Brad tries to fuck you?" }
Janet Oh! Brad!
{ "That's not Brad!" }
Brad It's all right Janet. We'll play along for now and pull out
the aces when the time is right.
{ "You call those aces?"
or "We see your aces"
or "Show us your aces, Brad"
"Looks more like a joker to me"
or "Hey, Brad, maybe if you water it, it'll grow"
or "There's Brad's ace. Janet's got a pair!" }
{ "Hey Columbia, how do you give a blow job?"
or "How do you give the Pope a hand job?"
or "How does George Michael jack off?" }
Columbia Slowly, slowly! It's too nice a { "blow" } job to rush.
{ "Yay Rush" }
Brad Hi, my name is Brad Majors,
{ "It's the magical unbuttoning buttoning shirt.
Unbuttoned... BUTTONED! Ah, the magic of editing" }
and this is my fiancee, Janet Weiss;
{ "Spell urinate" or "urethra" etc. }
You are... { "I-N-A-T-E asshole!" or "Close enough" }
Columbia You're very lucky to be invited to Frank's laboratory.
{ "Why?" }
Some people would give their right arm for the privilege.
{ "or their left tit or their eyebrows"
or "Take mine" or "I did" }
Brad People like you maybe?
Columbia Ha! I've seen it. { echo "I don't do laundry!" }
{ "Grab something useful, Brad - like a shoe!" }
(Riff Raff pours wine into a glass, takes a swig from the
bottle, and lets it drop after Magenta says "Shift it!")
{ "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a
frontal lobotomy" }
Magenta Come along, the master doesn't like to be kept waiting.
{ "Hey Magenta, what do you do when your five speed
vibrator is stuck in neutral?"
or "What do you do with an uncomfortable cock?" }
Shift it!
{ "Drop it!" or "Hey Riff, that's Zima!"
or "We will drop no wine before its time" }
(Riff drops the bottle)
{ "Thank you!"
or "Must've been its time"
or "Riff has a drinking problem, he can't hold his liquor"
"No! He can hold his liquor, it's just the bottle
that's so damn slippery"
or chant "Riff can't hold his liquor"
or "Alcohol abuse!" }
{ "Hey Riff, show us your serious look - thank you"
or "Hey Riff, no smiling in the elevator!"
or "Hey, no smiling in my fucking elevator"
"No fucking in my smiling elevator" }
{ "Look the other way!" }
(Janet screeches - the elevator goes up)
{ "First floor, lamps and shit"
or "First floor, lighted pineapples shaped like dildos,
and dildos shaped like lighted pineapples" }
{ "Second floor, stupid questions"
or "Second floor, boring conversation"
or "Second floor, midget floor" }
Janet Is he - Frank, I mean - your husband?
{ "Third floor, stupid answers" }
Riff Raff The master is not yet married, nor do I think he ever shall be.
{ "That's because you're going to kill him before the end
of th... Ooops, sorry, did I just ruin it?" }
{ "Who are you then?" }
We are simply his { "sex slaves" }
servants. { "same thing" }
{ "Fourth floor, stupid giggles" }
Janet Oh.
{ "Fifth floor, total darkness"
or "Fifth floor, Stevie Wonder's dressing room.
Don't worry, he didn't see it either"
or "Fifth floor, total darkness and masturbating
politicians" }
{ "Sixth floor, Kermit the frog in drag" }
{ "Who's that sailor dressed in green?
That's not a sailor, it's a gay marine. Sound off 1-2..." }
{ chant "Green and Sexy..." }
{ "Helllooo nurse!" }
{ "It's the Liberal-Cabinet/Clinton-Cabinet/
Conservative-Government"
or "We are the world, we are the children..."
or "We are the world, we are the wasted"
or "We are the world, we are the extras"
or "It's the Tucson Police Department in dress uniforms"
or "Hey look... Its the O.J. Simpson jury!"
or "We are the world... support abortion!"
or "It's the B-52's! All 52 of them!"
or "Who the fuck invited Coolio?" to black Transylvanian
or "Look! It's Princess Di's funeral!" }
{ "One day all this will be yours" }
{ "Ladies and gentleman, the music of Dick Hartley!"
or "I hear Dick Hartley composed this music on an ocarina!"
or (in synch with music) "Same... Three... Notes..."
(repeat over and over) }
{ "Look at those well hung speakers"
"Like you were looking at the speakers" }
{ "Invisible men first, Sluts second... Assholes third...
Servants, Groupies, and Dykes to the rear.
Side-step it, bitch!" }
{ "My, but those speakers are well-hung"
"You would notice" "I would know!" }
{ "Look, it's Ken and Barbie, with action-grip!
Anatomically correct!" }
{ "Here's your urine sample, master"
or "Here master, I give you my best urine sample now
so you can spill it on me later" }
{ "WHAT is your favourite color?"
or "What color is your dick after masturbating with
a cheese grater for six and a half hours straight?"
or "What color is your dick after thirty blow jobs?"
or "Hey Frank, what color is your foreskin?" }
Frank Magenta,
{ "Ooooh! you should have that looked at" }
{ "WHAT is the capital of Assyria?"
or "Where do you get your drugs/pot?"
or "What do you call Peter Falk in drag?" }
Columbia
{ "WHAT is your quest?" or "good place" or "Thai's better!" }
go assist Riff Raff. { echo "woof-woof" }
{ "Oh, okay, you may cross" }
{ "He can't get it up by himself"
"He needs six hands!"
or "Why can't he jerk-off by himself?" }
I will entertain...
{ "The cameraman with the world's largest hand job"
or "Get that thing out of my face,
I don't know where it's been" "I do"
or "Reach out and touch someone"
or "Ken and Barbie go to hell" }
uh huh huh... (chuckle) { "What are you laughing at?" }
(camera shows Brad) { "Oh, now we see" }
{ "He's not reaching for your hand, Brad" }
Brad Brad Majors. And this is my fiancee, Janet "Vice". { "Slut" }
{ "Tight as a vice and twice as nice,
but not as nice as Janet Weiss" }
Janet Weiss.
Brad Weiss? um
{ "Say something in French"
or "Frank, do you speak French?"
or "How do you say 'big tits' in French?"
"Le grande mamans!" }
Frank Enchante.
{ "Your hand smells like tuna" }
(Janet giggles) { "Reunite on ice" }
{ "What does that mean?" or "What do you think of her tits?" }
Frank Well! How nice.
{ "That's not what it means!"
or "Bullshit, I took French... what's it really mean?" }
And what charming underclothes you both have.
{ "That's what it means!" }
{ "They're underoos! The underwear that's fun to wear.
And even more fun to eat off"
or "They're underoos! And Janet's wonderslut!
I wonder about that slut..." }
But here. Put these (smocks) on.
{ "What the fuck's a 'these on'?"
"The opposite of a 'those on'"
"What the fuck's a 'those on'?"
"The opposite of a 'these on'" }
{ "And take these off" }
They'll make you feel less
{ "Naked" or "Fuckable" } vulnerable { "Same thing" }
It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer
them... hospitality
{ echo "Horse-brutality" }
{ "Get tough, Brad!" }
Brad Hospitality?! All we asked was to use your telephone,
Goddammit, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore.
{ "Horse-brutality! All we wanted to do was use your
goats gawahawahd dammit!
A bestial request which you've chosen to ignore!"
or "Yeah and my sitcom is better than yours!" }
{ "Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird, it's a plane,
it's a corpse, it's..." }
Janet Brad, don't be ungrateful. { "Slut!" }
Brad Ungrateful!
(Brad removes his glasses)
{ "It's super-asshole!"
"No, It's John Denver playing Brad Majors in the
Rocky Mountain Picture Show"
or "No, it's HE-MAN, masturbator of the Universe!"
or "No, it's a bird. Look at his chest"
or "Superman!"
or "Faster than a speeding fart"
"More powerful than a roll of charman"
"Able to leap tall outhouses in a single bound"
"look...up in the sky...its...its...its"
"SUPER-ASSHOLE" }
{ "Janet, there's a spider on your face!
Are you giving it head?"
or "Hey Janet, there's a spider fucking your face!"
"Leave her alone, she's giving it a blow job..." }
Frank How forceful you are, Brad.
{ "Describe Barbara Bush"
or "Describe K.D. Lang"
or "Describe Hillary Clinton!" }
Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So... { "big" }
dominant. (crowd has a flurry of laughs)
{ "If he's so dominant, why does she need glasses?" }
{ "Check it out - Cover your dominance, Brad"
or "Hey Brad, your dominance is showing" }
You must be awfully proud of him, Janet.
{ "Are you a slut?" or "Lie Janet" or "She doesn't know"
or "Are you having sex with your mother?"
or "Are you a cheap slut who fakes orgasms?" }
Janet Well, yes I am. (giggles)
{ "Thought so" }
Frank Do you have tattoos, Brad?
{ "How do you tattoo an asshole?"
"With a really small needle"
or "You can't tatto an asshole!"
"Sure you can, you just use a lot of really tiny pricks"
or "Show him the Teddy bear"
or "Show him the working fire hydrant!"
or "Hey Brad, do you like women?" }
Brad Certainly not!
Frank Oh well, how about you? (to Janet)
{ "How about you, Janet. Do you like women?" }
Janet No. (giggling)
{ "Show him the battleship/anchor on your chest!" }
Riff Raff Everything is in readiness, master. { "bater" }
We merely await your (pause)
{ "Orgasm" or "Erection" or "Sperm"
or "ejaculation" "It's in the glass" "Shit, split it..."
"And that was my best suit!" }
word.
(Frank spills wine on Riff)
{ "That was my new suit! That was my only suit!
I bought it for my sister's bat mizva"
or "Aww shit, I just had that hump cleaned yesterday,
And I still can't decide what side it's on!" }
{ "When's the orgy and who's invited?" }
Frank Tonight, my unconventional conventionists...
{ "Hey, that's US!" }
you are to witness a new breakthrough
in biochemical { echo "biosexual" } research...
and paradise is { "lost" } to be mine...
{ "In the navel..." "Lower Lower" "In the navel..." }
It was strange the way it happened...
suddenly you get a break...
{ "Snap that rubber and scare the shit out of yourself" }
whole pieces start to fit into place,
{ "Like a dick up your ass"
or "Sounds like sex to me, or at least correct sex" }
not a sign of being...
{ "suck on me" or "What's Dan Quaile?" }
what a fool! { "fool with me" }
The answer was there all the time
{ "42" or "69" or "What was the question?"
or "I love you and hope you love me!" }
it took a small accident to make it happen...
{ "What did your parents call you?"
or "What's in your pants?" or "Where were you conceived?"
or "A what?" or "What was your birth?" }
AN ACCIDENT! { echo "In a Volkswagen!" }
Magenta & Columbia An accident!
Frank And that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient
{ "Who gives the best blow jobs on the Enterprise?"
or "Who did you lose your virginity to?"
or "Who is your favourite actor in Star-Trek?" }
that spark { echo "Spock"
"No, it's McCoy, that's why they called him 'Bones'"
"No, it's Ohura, her name says it all"
"No, it's Data, he's fully functional"
"No, it was Wesley"
"No, it was Gynan, she's a gynancologist"
"No, it's Odo, he's form fitting"
"No, it's Worf, his head is ribbed for your pleasure"
"Mine's Kirk, he gets to fuck the green bitch"
"Mine's the green bitch, she gets to fuck Kirk"
"Mine's Checkov, he's got the nicest vessels"
"Mine's Scotty, he's giving her all he got"
"Mine's Geordi, what he can't see can't hurt him"
or "You lost your virginity to Spock? That's dirty
Did you know that Vulcans can only get it up
once every seven years?" }
that is the breath of life...
{ "Are you gonna fuck everyone in the audience tonight?"
or "Can you deep-throat a salami?" }
Yes,
{ "Do you know about gay sex and bondage?"
or "Do you know how to fuck camels upside down underwater?"
or "Do you have that knowledge?"
or "Do you know how to reprogram my VCR?" }
I have that knowledge... { echo "I've been to college!" }
{ "What deodorant do you use that's strong enough for a man
but made for a woman?"
or "What do you hold under your arm?"
or "What do you hold between your thighs?" }
I hold the secret... { echo "a pizza" }
{ "To life?" }
to life...
{ chant "To Life, To Life Lechaim" }
{ "Itself?" }
itself!
{ cheers }
{ "Spelling bee... sound off: F" or "F" }
You see...
{ "No, I'm blind!"
or "K! Can't spell it, can't do it"
or "K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E Fucky mouse, Dildo duck..." }
you are fortunate
{ "That I'm blind?!?!" }
for tonight is the night that
my beautiful creature is destined to be born! { echo "fucked" }
{ "At the count of your favourite sexual position,
throw open the red curtain and yell 'fuck' in chinese...
67, 68, 69..."
or "How do you say 'fuck' (backwards) in chinese?"
"Fuck you, Yankee dog!"
or "Frank! Would you rather fuck a chicken or a duck?" }
Hoopla!
{ "It's tampon-man and he's self inserting"
or "LOOK! Its Rodney King"
or "It's a Stop-N-Go super burrito!"
or "It's the world's largest tampon!"
or "I'm stuck on band-aids, cause band-aid's stuck on me" }
{ "Rocky had a wet dream" "Rocky IS a wet dream" }
Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator...
{ echo "on your mother's vibrator"
or echo "Throw open the sonic oc... 'Oh dounughts...'"
or "Not the sonic oscillator!" }
{ "First one's easy, second one's a bitch"
or "One magic dildo. Put your wrist into it!
Two magic dildos" }
{ "What were the last words at Chernobyl?" }
and step up the reactor power three more points!
{ echo "THREE MORE TRIANGLES!"
or "And as Jay Leno would say..."
echo "THREE MORE DORITOES!" }
{ "Don't turn that, it'll make steam come out of your ass!"
or "He's working so hard, steam's coming out of his ass!
Save it for dinner!" }
{ "I think I can, I think I can"
or "I hate this scene, I hate this scene"
or "I hate this job, I hate this job" }
{ "Put your hump into it, Riff" }
{ "Pigs in spaaace..."
or "Dick's eye view of a blowjob!" }
{ "OK, Whoever's fucking with the lights - Please stop it!" }
Janet Oh brad!
Brad It's all right { echo "tight" }
Janet. { "I brought a condom" }
{ "Smile if you're horny, Riff" }
{ "I know I can, I know I can" }
{ "Hey Frank, how big is your dick and don't exaggerate" }
{ "What's that statue doing?" }
{ "Put your back into it Riff. No, your other back!" }
{ "I knew I could, I knew I could" }
(colorful fluids, etc. in the order Red, Orange, Yellow,
Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet)
{ "Red hearts, Orange stars, Yello moons, Green Clovers,
Blue diamonds, more blue diamonds, Purple horseshoes" }
{ "The secret to life is FOOD COLORING!" }
{ "Its Rainbow Brite on her peroid" }
{ "Is it soup yet?" "It's not soup 'till the microwave
explodes" "Soup's on"
or "Is it done yet?" "No!" "What does it need?"
"Curry" "What kind of Curry?" "Tim Curry!"
or "Is it soup yet?" "No, need's more curry..."
"What kind of curry?" "Tim Curry!" }
(Rocky emits some guttural garbage)
{ "Rocky has parkinson's!" }
{ "And tampon-man lives! Does he reach for his first woman?"
"No" "Does he reach for his first beer?" "No"
"He reaches for his first screw"
or
"Look! It's Rocky's first screw!" "Too bad, it's a bolt!"
"It's a screw!" "It'd a bolt!"
"Tastes great!" "Less filling!"
"Tastes great!" "Less filling"
"It's filling enough for Janet!"
or
"Only seven seconds old and already searching for a screw,
but all he found were his nuts!"
"What a riveting experience" "What a lousy pun..." }
{ "And tampon-man stands fully erect" }
{ "Oh my God, he only has one ass! He is of NO use to me!" }
{ "And now Rocky will demonstrate to the audience how to
walk with a hard-on" }
{ "Give him some head Riff. Give him a GOOD head this week" }
{ "What do you day when someone puts gravel in your
K-Y jelly?" }
{ "It's... It's... It's... Ricky Schroder!" }
Frank Oh! Rocky!
{ "No! Ricky!" }
The Sword of Damocles
Rocky The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head, { "Breathe!" }
{ "It's a chandelier!" }
And I've got the feeling that someone's gonna be
cutting the thread. { echo "giving me head" }
{ "What thread, it's a F***ing chandelier!" }
Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery.
{ echo "I missed-my/need-a lobotomy"
or echo "my dick is too small to see!"
or echo "I think that I need to pee!"
or echo "his dick is as big as a tree!" }
Oh, can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty
big downer. { echo "boner" }
{ echo "...that I've got the start of a pretty big boner"
or echo "...that I'm at the start of a really bad movie" }
I woke up this morning
with a start when I fell out of bed.
{ echo "and I got myself a beer"
or echo "with a big, hairy guy named Fred"
or echo "with my dick hanging out of the bed" }
{ "What do you think about raping little old ladies?" }
All That ain't no crime.
{ "Yes it is, he's underage!" }
Rocky And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread.
All That ain't no crime.
{ "Watch out with those SCISSORS!" }
Rocky My high is low, I'm dressed up with no place to go.
{ echo "no one to blow" }
And all I know is I'm at the start of a pretty big downer.
All Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky Oh ho no no
All Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky Oh ho no no
All Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky Oh ho no no
The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.
All That ain't no crime.
Rocky And I've got the feeling that someone's gonna be cutting
the thread.
All Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky Oh no no no
{ "Oh my god, there's a fag chasing after me" }
All Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
{ "Get out of my way, you fat bitch!" }
Rocky Oh no no no
All Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky Oh no no no
(repeat until end - Sha-la-la)
All Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't
no crime,
Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't
no crime,
Sha-la-la.
Frank Well really. { "Yes, really" }
That's no way to behave on your first day out.
{ "of the closet" }
Rocky Ugh Ugh (forlornly like a puppy dog)
{ "Aw, look at his dick and forgive him"
or "Are you gonna forgive him?"
or "What about his exceptional beauty?"
or "Look at his thighs and forgive him"
"He's not looking at his thighs" }
Frank But since you're such an exceptional beauty,
I am prepared to forgive you.
{ "Hey Rocky, how do you masturbate siamese twins?"
"Don't forget the twist!" "OOOWWWW!!!" }
{ "If you're horny and you know it beat your bars,
if you're horny and you know it
and you really want to show it,
if you're horny and you know it beat your bars"
or "If you're horny and you know it,
Then you're groin will really show it..."
"If you're horny and you DON'T know it,
then you're really fucked up"
or "If you're horny and you know it,
then you're groin will really show it..." }
{ "Grab them and twist them and call them George"
or "Don't forget the double-fisted titty twister!" }
Rocky Ugh Ugh (applause) (Rocky bangs his bars)
Frank Oh, I just love success. { echo "cheap sex" }
{ "You love anything with SUCk and SEX in it"
or "Sex sex sex"
or "No, you like to suck-seed" }
Riff Raff He's a credit to your genius, { echo "penis" } master.
{ "That's one" }
Frank Yes.
Magenta A triumph of your will.
{ "That's two" }
Frank Yes.
Columbia He's O.K. { echo "He' |
