General info:



	Audience instructions are in square brackets.  Text in caps is

to be shouted.  The instruction 'Echo' indicates that the line following

is to be shouted in unison with the film.



	Note:



	All audience lines are adapted from a script I obtained from some

chyck at Drew University in Madison NJ (Hey, Brad, tell us where Drew

University is!) a couple years ago.  Her lines were from the 8th St.

Playhouse and Eastside cinema, and notably inferior to those I had

learned at the Cedar Lee in Cleveland Heights, Oh.  So, I used the lines

I knew.  The one exception to this is in "Sweet Transvestite:"



	I'll get you a satanic {Echo: Hispanic] mechanic.  [Freddie Prinz!]



	I got this line from a man who was writing a script for an RHPS

sequel to compete with 'Revenge of the Old Queen', who also played one of

the major roles in one of the major stage productions.  Freddie Prinz was

- well, ask someone else if you don't know.  Hint: he worked with Andy Kaufmann

 and now lives with him as well.



	Further note:



	Lily St. Cyr was a semi-famous stripper in the '60s with huge

tracts of land.  She was a friend of Marilyn Monroe.



	Still further note:  The line, "BULLWINKLE!", shouted after Rocky's name,

	is the innovation of yours truly, Thomas R. Schmidt.  I started using

	it in the Cedar Lee in 1989, in Cleveland Heights.  So there.  Numerous

	other lines are also mine, but I feel obligated to point out that one,

	since I've gotten scripts from all over the coutry that include it.





	Still further ego injection:



	After its initial incarnation, digital death, and reincarnation,

this script was heavily revised and amended after I got the role of Rocky at the

Cla-Zel theatre in Bowling Green, Oh.  I just thought you should know that.



	And now...







		SCIENCE FICTION DOUBLE FEATURE



	[at opening bars of music, "And on the eighth day God made lips.

And there were lips.  And they were good."]



Usherette: Michael Rennie was ill

	   The day the earth stood still

	   But he told us where we stand [ON OUR FEET!]

	   And Flash Gordon was there in silver [Echo: CROTCHLESS] underwear

	   Claude Rains was the invisible man [OUTTA SIGHT]

	   But then something went wrong

	   For Fay Wray and King Kong [Echo: FUCKING KONG]

	   They got caught in a celluloid jam [Echo: SEXUAL JAM] [69]

	   Then at a deadly pace

	   It Came From [Echo: ON][WHERE?] Outer Space [Echo: JANET'S FACE!]

	   [THANK YOU!]

	   And this is how the message ran:

	   [FREEZE!]



	Science fiction double feature

	Dr. X [SEX SEX SEX]will build a creature

	See androids fighting [AND FUCKING, AND SUCKING ON]

	Brad & Janet

	Anne Francis stars in [DEEP THROAT AND] Forbidden Planet

	Whoa-oh-oh-oh-o-o-o [Echo: JANET'S A HO-O-O-O]

	At the late night double feature [Echo: FUCK YOUR TEACHER!]

					picture show

					  [Echo: PICK YOUR NOSE



[at Charles Gray's name: THAT MAN HAS NO FUCKING NECK!]

[credits: ad libs of ASSHOLE! and SLUT! at Brad&Janet's names;

 at Peter Suschitsky's: WHAT THE FUCK IS A SUSCHITSKY? --

 POLISH DIARRHEA!; at Jim Sharman: DON'T SQUEEZE THE SHARMAN!;

 at Sue Blane's: SUE'S TO BLANE!; point at 'Richard Pointing', etc...]



	I know Leo G. Carrol

	Was over a barrel [Echo: FUCKING A SPARROW]

	When taratula took to the hills [Echo: LSD! LICK IT UP!]

	And I really got hot

	When I saw Jeannette Scott [Echo: JANET'S TWAT]

	Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills

	[WHAT THE FUCK IS A TRIFFID?]

	Dana Andrews said prunes [WITH PITS]

	Gave him the runes [Echo: SHITS!]

	And passing them used lots of skills [ECHO: EX-LAX PILLS]

	But when worlds collide [BOOM!]

	Said George Hal to his bride

	I'm gonna give you some terrible thrills

	[Echo: BIRTH CON-TROL PILLS!]

	Like a

	[X-RAY]



	CHORUSCHORUSCHORUSCHORUS



	I wanna go [I WANNA COME]

	Oh oh o-o-o

	To the late night double feature picture show

	By RKO [REALLY KINKY ORGASMS!]

	Oh oh o-o-o

	To the late night double feature picture show

	[WHERE'S THE BEST PLACE TO FUCK?]

	In the back row [FUCK THE BACK ROW!  back row: FUCK THE FRONT ROW!

			 middle: I'VE SEEN 'EM, YOU FUCK 'EM! front row:

					WE FUCKED YOU FIRST!]

			[center: FUCK YOU BOTH, I'M IN THE CREAMY CENTER!]

	Oh oh o-o-o

	To the late night double feature picture show





Dentonian: Here they come [throw rice]



Photg:  Let's get a picture.  Close together now.  The parents and

	then the grandparents.  Just of the close family. Ahhh, hold that.

	Beautiful!  And - (snap)



	[NOW WE HAVE THEIR SOULS!]



Photog: Congratulations [Echo: EJACULATIONS.]



Ralph:  I guess we really did it. huh? [HIT HIM!  HIT HIM BACK!]



Brad:   I don't think there's any doubt about that.  you and Betty have

	been almost inseparable since [THE OPERATION] you met in Dr. Scott's

	refresher courses. [SHOULD HAVE USED KY INSTEAD OF SUPER GLUE.]



Ralph:  Well to the tell you the truth, that's the only reason I showed

	up in the first place. (chortles)



Betty:  OK you guys, this is it. (everyone screams)



Ralph:  Well Betty's going to throw the bouquet [throw bouquet]



Janet:  [HEY JANET, DO YOU HAVE SYPH?] I got it!  I got it!



Ralph:  Hey big fella [HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?], looks like it could be your

	turn next, eh? [NO, IT'S HIS TURN FIRST!]



Brad:   Who knows? [THE SHADOW KNOWS!]



Ralph:  Well, so long, see you Brad. [SEE YA, SUCKER!]

	Guess we better get going now Betty.

	Come on, hop in. (they drive away)



	[HIT THE CAR TWICE IF YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE. . .THOUGHT SO.]

	[THINK ABOUT IT ASSHOLE. . .THIS FINGER SMELLS LIKE JANET]



	[read sign: BE JUST AND FEAR NOT. . .OR BE STONED AND FEAR

	 NOTHING EXCEPT. . .OLD PEOPLE.  BEWARE OF MASTURBATING STATUES!]



Janet:  Oh, Brad, wasn't it wonderful? [NO!] Didn't Betty look radiantly

	beautiful? [NO!]  An hour ago, she was [PLAYING WITH HERSELF]just

	plain old Betty Monroe, and now. . . [AND NOW SHE'S A SLUT!] now

	she's Mrs. Ralph Hapshatt [HAPSHIT, WILL TRAVEL!]



Brad:   Yes, Janet, Ralph is a lucky guy. [NO HE'S NOT, SHE'S GOT SYPH!]



Janet:  Yes.



Dentonian: I always cry at weddings. [I ALWAYS LAUGH AT FUNERALS!]



Brad:   Everyone knows that Betty is a wonderful little cook. [SHE'S A GREAT

	 LITTLE FUCK TOO...SHE'S THE HOTTEST BAKED POTATO IN DENTON. . .

	 YAY DENTON!  THE HOME OF HAPPINESS.  WHAT'S A SIGN DOING IN THE

	 MIDDLE OF A GRAVEYARD? ADVERTISING! HEY, THAT SIGN HAS A

	 HEART-ON!  ARROW POINTS AT THE SLUT!]



Brad:   Why Ralph himself, he'll be up for promotion in a year or two!

	[IF HE DOESN'T GET BUSTED FIRST!]



Janet:  Yes.



		*DAMMIT JANET*



	[WHAT DO HORSES EAT, ASSHOLE?]



Brad:   Hey Janet. [SIT ON MY FACE AND WIGGLE!]



	[WHY, IS YOUR NOSE LONGER THAN YOUR DICK?]



Janet:  Yes Brad?



Brad:   I've got something to say.



Janet:  Uh huh? [SAY IT, ASSHOLE!]



Brad:   I really loved the. . .[STARTS WITH AN S...SQUISHY...SLIMY] skillful

	way [WHAT A FUCKING GENIUS] you beat the other girls [WITH WHIPS

	AND CHAINS] to the bride's bouquet.  [OH YEAH, THAT TOO]



Janet:  Oh Brad.



	[audience echoes Janet's "Oh Brad"s, "Dammit Janet"s, and "Brad,

	 I'm mad"]



Brad:   The river was deep but I swam it (Janet)

	The future is ours, so let's plan it (Janet)

	So please, don't tell me to can it (Janet)

	I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet, I love you.

	[Echo: LET'S GO SCREW!]



	The road was long but I ran it [BACKWARDS!]

	There's a fire in my heart [Echo PANTS] and you fan it. (Janet)

	If there's one fool for you then I am it (Janet)

	I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet, I love you

	[Echo: ONLY ASSHOLES WRITE ON DOORS!]



	Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker.

	[Echo: THAT I PLAY POKER]

	There's three ways that love can go [SEX, DRUGS, AND ROCK-N-ROLL!]

	That's good, bad, or mediocre [Echo: GAY, STRAIGHT, AND BESTIAL]

	[HOW DO YOU SPELL SLUT?]

	Oh, J-A-N-E-T I love you so! [Echo: I WANT A BLOW!]

	[DON'T DROP IT!]



Janet:  Oh, it's nicer than Betty Monroe had (Oh Brad)

	Now we're engaged and I'm so glad (Oh Brad)

	That you've met Mom and you know Dad

	[Echo: THAT YOU FUCK MOM AND YOU BLOW DAD!]

	I've one thing to say and that's Brad, I'm Mad, [Echo: YOU FAG!]

							for you too.

						 [Echo: LET'S GO SCREW!]

	Oh Brad...



Brad:   Oh, dammit [Echo: OH, SHIT!]



Janet:  I'm mad  [Echo: I'M PREGNANT]



Brad:   Oh, Janet [Echo: OH, SHIT!]



Janet:  For you



Brad:   I love you too [Echo: I LOVE TO SCREW]



Both:   There's one thing left to do [BURY A MIDGET!]



Brad:   And that's go see the man who began it (Janet)

	[HE'S IN THE BOX!]

	When we met in his science exam-it (Janet)

	[HE'S STILL IN THE BOX!]

	He made me give you th eye and then panic

	[Echo: PISS IN MY PANTS AND THEN PANIC]

	Now I've one thing to say and that's dammit, Janet, I love you.



	Dammit, Janet



Janet:  Oh Brad, I'm mad [Echo: YOU FAG!]



Brad:   Dammit, Janet



Both:   I love you



	[THE MAN YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE HAS NO FUCKING NECK, A PUSSY ON HIS CHIN,

	 AND A CHICKEN'S FOOTPRINT ON HIS FOREHEAD!]



	[I BET YOU'D LIKE A GREAT BIG GLASS OF CUM, WOULDN'T YOU?]



Narrator: I would like [YOU WOULD, WOULD YOU?], ah, if I may [YOU MAY

	NOT], to take you [TAKE ME! TAKE ME! TAKE ME!] on a strange journey.

	[HOW STRANGE WAS IT? (as

	Chucky pulls out a book) IT WAS SO STRANGE THEY MADE A MOVIE OUT

	OF IT!  NOT THE BOOK, THE MOVIE!]  [THREE PAGES TO THE ASSHOLE! ONE, TWO,

	TWO AND A HALF...]  It seemed a fairly ordinary

	night [ORDINARY?] when Brad Majors [ASSHOLE] and his fiancee,

	Janet Weiss [SLUT], two young, normal, healthy kids [NORMAL?],

	left Denton that late November night to visit a Dr. Everett Scott

	[SNOT!  boos and hisses], ex-tutor, and now friend to both of

	them. [IT IS TRUE THAT YOU FUCK DEAD CHICKENS?] It's true there were

	dark storm clouds [DESCRIBE YOUR BALLS!], heavy, black, and

	pendulous, towards which they were driving.  [IS IT TRUE ALSO THAT




	YOUR MOTHER'S A HOOKER?]  It's true, also, that the spare tire

	they were carrying was badly in need of some air. [SO'S YOUR

	FUCKING NECK!], but they weren't going to let a storm spoil the

	rest of their evening, were they? [CERTAINLY NOT!] ...On a night out...

	[COME A LITTLE BIT CLOSER, CHUCKY!] it was a night out they were going

	to remember [HOW LONG?] for a very long time [WHAT A FUCKING TRIP!]



[HEY DICK, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A QUITTER?]



Nixon:  I have never been a quitter. [BULLSHIT!  YOUR HEART DID!]  To leave

	office before my term is expired goes against every instinct in my

	body [YOU CALL THAT A BODY?] But as President [YOU CALL THAT A

	PRESIDENT?] I must put the interests of America first. [WHAT DOES

	AMERICA NEED, DICK?] America needs a full-time President [WHAT ELSE?]

	and a full-time Congress.





CAST:   THIS IS THE PART OF THE MOVIE WHERE WE IMITATE THE WINDSHIELD

	WIPERS!  ARMS UP!!!

	LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT

	FOR THOSE OF YOU ON SPEED:

	LEFTRIGHTLEFTRIGHTLEFTRIGHT

	FOR THOSE OF YOU ON POT:

	LLLLEEEFFFFTT,RRRRIIGGGGHHHHT,LLLLLLEEEEFFFTTT, RIIIGGGGGHHHHT

	FOR THOSE OF YOU ON COCAINE:

	FUCKIN' LEFT, FUCKIN' RIGHT, FUCKIN' LEFT, FUCKIN' RIGHT!

	FOR THOSE OF YOU ON ACID:

	RED, ORANGE, YELLOW, GREEN, BLUE, PURPLE, SPIDERS!

	FOR THOSE OF YOU ON CRACK:

	(fall to the floor, dead)

	FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE DYSLEXIC:

	(crossing arms) LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT

	FOR THOSE OF YOU ALREADY HORNY:

	IN, OUT, IN, OUT

	FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE FANS OF PEE-WEE HERMAN:

	UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN

	THANK YOU!



	[CAN YOU COUNT, JANET?]



Janet:  Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's passed us. [ONE, THREE,

	 IT'S ALL THE SAME TO A SLUT]  They sure take their lives in

	their hands, what with the weather and all.



Brad:   [SAY SOMETHING STUPID, ASSHOLE!] Yes, life's pretty cheap to that

	type. [SO'S JANET!]





	[SHE CHEWS AND CHEWS AND CHEWS BUT NEVER SWALLOWS!]



Janet:  Oh. . .What's the matter, Brad darling?



	[I CAME ON THE WINDSHIELD!]



Brad:   [MAKE A SOUND LIKE A COW] Oooh.  We must have taken the wrong

	fork a few minutes back. [YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THE RIGHT SPOON!]



Janet:  Oh, but where did that motorcyclist come from? [JAPAN! hum a few

	bars of the Twilight Zone theme]



Brad:   Well, I guess we'll just have to turn back. [LOOK OUT!] (Boom)



Janet:  What was that bang? [A GANG BANG!]



Brad:   We must have a blowout.  [KILL THAT SMURF!] Dammit!  I knew I should

	have gotten

	that spare tire fixed! [ASSHOLE!] Well you just stay here and

	keep warm and I'll go for help.



Janet:  But where will you go?  We're in the middle of nowhere!



Brad:   [WHAT'S WHITE AND SELLS HAMBURGERS?] Didn't we pass a castle

	back down the road a few miles? [cheers]  Maybe they have a

	telephone we could use [CASTLES DON'T HAVE PHONES, ASSHOLE!]



Janet:  I'm going with you!



Brad:   Oh, no, darling, there's no sense in both of us getting wet!

	[JANET'S ALREADY WET!]



Janet:  I'm coming with you! [THAT'LL BE A FIRST!]  Besides, darling, the

	owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman, [HE IS!] and you

	might never come back again. [YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY!]





	[BUY AN UMBRELLA, YOU CHEAP BITCH!]



Brad:   Heh, heh, heh, heh. (they get out of the car [KICK IT!], copies

	of the Cleveland Plain Dealer over heads) [squirt water]



	[HEY, JANET, SHOW US HOW A CHICKEN WALKS! SLUTS ON THE LEFT...NO,

	 SLUTS ON THE RIGHT...NO, SLUTS ON THE LEFT...AH, FUCK IT!]





		*OVER AT THE FRANKENSTEIN PLACE*



	[Brad & Janet come to a sign reading, "ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK."

	 Susiciously enough, it seems to be in Eddy's handwriting.

	 Audience chants RISK IT, RISK IT!  After camera zooms in, HOW

	 LONG DOES IT TAKE TO READ FIVE FUCKING WORDS?  Before lighning flashes,

	 FUCK YOU ZEUS!]



	[NOW JANET, DON'T HIT THAT THAT SLUT-EATING TREE, BECAUSE THEN YOU'LL

	 HAVE TO SING AND NOBODY WANTS THAT TO HAP---]



Janet:  In the velvet darkness

	Of the blackest night [Echo: BETWEEN MY THIGHS]

	Burning bright [WHAT'S UP YOUR ASS?]

	There's a guiding star [Echo: BRAND NEW CAR!][THAT MUST HURT!]

	No matter what or who you are



Both:   There's a light... [(matches/lighters on) WHERE'S KURT COBAIN?]



Choir:  Burning in the fireplace



	[matches/lighters off at "darkness"; DARKNESS if any still on]



Both:   There's a light, light, in the [WHERE'S RAY CHARLES?]

	darkness of everybody's life.



	[SING TO US, HAIRLESS ONE!]



Riff-raff: The darkness must go down the river of night's dreaming

	Flow morphia slow, let the sunlight some streaming

	Into my life, into my life . . .[ONE NIGHT, TONIGHT AND TONIGHT ONLY,

	THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING RIFF-RAFF!  WATCH THAT QUICKSAND, RIFF!]



Both:   There's a light. . .[lighters on]



Choir:  Over at the Frankenstein place



Both:   There's a light. . . [WHERE'S RICHARD NIXON?]



Choir:  Burning in the fireplace

	There's a light, a light



	[WHERE'S STEVIE WONDER?]



Both:   [off at "darkness"] in the darkness of everybody's life





	[AND BETSY ROSS USED TO SIT AT HOME AND MASTURBATE AND MASTURBATE...]



Narrator: And so, [SHE HAD TIME TO SEW?] it seemed that fortune had smiled

	on Brad and Janet and that they had found the assistance that their

	plight required. [ARE YOU SURE?]  Or had they? [HE HEH HEH HEH]



Janet:  Brad, let's go back, I'm cold and frightened.

	[LOOK, JANET'S GOT A CONDOM IN HER HAIR!  SHE'D HAVE TO BE FUCKED IN

	 THE HEAD, TO GO OUT WITH BRAD!]



Brad:   Just a moment darling, they might have a phone.

	[IT'S SCOOBY-DOO IN BONDAGE!] (bell rings, door creaks open)

	[DING-DONG, ASSHOLE CALLING!  SLUT FOR SALE, REASONABLE RATES!]



Riff:   [HOW DO YOU SAY JELLO IN SPANISH?] Hello.



Brad:   Hi!  My name is Brad Majors [ASSHOLE!], and this is my fiancee,

	Janet Weiss [SLUT!].  I wonder if you could help us.  You see,

	our car broke down a few miles up the road - do you have a phone

	we might use? [LOOK BETWEEN JANET'S LEGS!]



Riff:   You're wet.



Janet:  [HEY, JANET, ARE YOU A SLUT?] Yes - [WHY?] It's

	raining. [HMM]



Brad:   [ARE YOU AN ASSHOLE, BRAD?] Yes.



	[ARE YOU GAY, GOD?] (lightning) [JUST KIDDING]



Riff:   [ARE YOU ON DRUGS, RIFF?] Yes - I think perhaps you'd better both

	[FUCK OFF!] come inside. [I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU COME, AS LONG

	YOU CLEAN UP!  I DON'T CARE IF YOU CLEAN UP, AS LONG AS YOU COME!]



	[HEY BRAD, SHOW US HOW AN ASSHOLE MASTURBATES!  HEY JANET, WIPE

	 THAT COME OUT OF YOUR HAIR!]



Janet:  You're too kind.  [NO, HE'S THREE KINDS: BOYS, GIRLS, AND MAGENTA.]

	Oh, Brad, I'm frightened.  What kind of a place is this?



	[CAN YOU SPOT THE DOME-STICK IN THIS PICTURE?]

	[NO, THERE'S A SLUT IN THE WAY!]



Brad:   Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdoes.

	[RICH WEIRDOES ARE OUT OF SEASON!]



Janet:  Oh (forlornly)



	[HEY RIFF, SHOW US HOW YOU FINGERFUCK YOUR SISTER!]



Riff:   [WHICH WAY?] This way. [FOLLOW THE BOUNCING THUMB!]



Janet:  Are you having a party? [DO YOU SEE ANY FUCKING TUPPERWARE?]



Riff:   You've arrived on a very special night.  It's one of the master's

	affairs. [WHICH ONE?][THE SIXTY-NINTH!]



Janet:  Oh, lucky him.



Magenta: You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky!

	[Echo: THE BANISTER'S LUCKY!] Ha ha ha ha ha! [NO IT'S NOT; SHE'S

	 GOT WOODWORM!  AND IT'S GOT SYF!][WHO'S OIGN TO PICK THE SPLINTERS

	 OUT OF MAGENTA'S TWAT?  WHO'S GOING TO PICK THE SPLINTERS OUT

	 OF RIFF'S TONGUE?]



	[HEY, RIFF, COULD YOU SHOW US THAT POP SINGER, YOU KNOW, ONE WHO

	 DIED OF ANOREXIA..LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MISS KAREN CARPENTER!]





		*THE TIME WARP*



Riff:   It's astounding [NO, IT's A SKELETON!]

	Time is fleeting

	[WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ROCK GROUP FROM THE 80S?]

	Madness [THEY SUCK!] takes its toll [69 CENTS, PLEASE!]

	But listen closely...



Magenta: Not for very much longer



	[HOW MANY BALLS DO YOU HAVE?]



Riff:   I've got to [I'VE GOT THREE!] keep control [Echo: SMOKE A BOWL!]

	I remember doing the time warp [KICK, KICK]

	Drinking those moments when [Echo: PATRICIA QUINN]

	The blackness would hit me



R&M:    And the void would be calling...



Transylvanians: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN

		LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN





	[HOW'S IT DONE?]



Narr:   It's just a jump to the left

Omnes:  And then a step to the right

Narr:   Put your hands on your hips [Echo: TITS --OR SOMEBODY ELSE'S!]

Omnes:  And bring your knees in tight



	[Echo about halfway through: 2-4-6-8- SHOW US HOW TO FORNICATE]



	But it's the pelvic thrusts

	[GROUP SEX, GROUP SEX]

	That really drive you insane



	LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN

	LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN



Magenta:It's so dreamy

	Oh fantasy free me

	So you can't see me [DO YOU DOUCHE?]

	No, not at all [SMELLS IT.]

	In another dimension

	With voyeuristic intention

	[WHERE ARE YOUR TITS?]

	Well secluded, [(give Magenta the bird) CAN YOU SEE THIS?] I see all

	[OH, SHIT!]



Riff:   With a bit of the mind flip [Echo: FUCK]

Magenta:You're into the time slip [FUCK THAT BIRD!GREASE THAT POLE!

	 EAT THAT BAGEL!]

Riff:   And nothing can ever be the same [HERE, HAVE A BAGEL!]

Magenta:You're spaced out on sensation

	[WHAT'S IT LIKE WHEN YOU FUCK YOUR SISTER?]

Riff:   Like you're under sedation



Omnes:  LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN

	LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN



Columbia:Well I was walking down the street just a-havin a think

	When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink

	He shook me up, he took me by surprise

	He had a pickup truck and the devil's eyes

	He stared at me and I felt a change

	Time meant nothing, never would again



Omnes:  LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN

	LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN



Narr:   It's just a jump to the left [Echo: GET THE FUCK OFF THE DESK!]

Omnes:  And then a step to the right

Narr:   With your hands on your hips

Omnes:  You bring your knees in tight

	But it's the pelvic thrust

	That really drives you insane

	Let's do the time warp again

	Let's do the time warp again



	(Columbia tap-dances [just before she hits the stairs WATCH OUT!])

	[2,4,6,8, SHOW US HOW YOU MASTURBATE!

	 3,5,7,9, IF SHE CAN DO IT, SO CAN I!

	 1,2,3,4, DANCE YOU LITTLE FUCKIN'S WHORE!

	 4,6,8,10 DO IT FOR US ONCE AGAIN!

	 5,6,9,11 SUCK MY COCK AND GO TO HEAVEN!

	 10,20,30,40, NOW WE KNOW YOU'RE REALLY HORNY!

	 6,8,10,12 SHE'S SO HOT SHE'LL BLOW A VALVE!

	 EAT YOUR HEART OUT, ANN MILLER!  EAT YOURSELF OUT, ANN MILLER!

	 EAT _ME_ OUT, ANN MILLER!  WHO THE FUCK IS ANN MILLER?]



Omnes:  LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN

	LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN



Narr:   It's just a jump to the left

......................REST OF CHORUS.................................







Janet:  Brad, say something!



Brad:   Say, do any of you guys know how to Madison?

	[I DO THE ROCK, MYSELF! IT'S STIMULATING!]



Janet:  Brad, please, let's get out of here!



Brad:   For God's sake keep a grip on yourself, Janet.



	(music cue softly at first, then crescendo. [tap/clap in time to

	Frank's heel; chant: ORAL _SEX_, ANAL _SEX_" in time with the music])



Brad:   It's just a party, Janet.



Janet:  Well - I want to go. [I WANT TO COME!]



Brad:   Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.



Janet:  Well then ask the butler or someone.



Brad:   Just a moment, Janet - we don't want to interfere with their

	celebration.



Janet:  This isn't the Junior Chamber of commerce, Brad.



Brad:   They're probably foreigners with ways different from our own.

	They may do some more. . .folk dancing. [Echo: FUCK DANCING!]



Janet:  Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared.



Brad:   I'm here - there's nothing to worry about.



	(Janet screams and faints) [AAAAAAH!]



	[In time with Frank's heel, chant 'ORAL SEX!  ANAL SEX! ORAL SEX...]





		*SWEET TRANSVESTITE*



Frank:  How do you do, I

	See you've met my

	Faithful handyman [Echo: HANDJOB MAN]

	He's just a little brought down

	Because when you knocked [HE CAME]

	He thought you were the candyman



	Don't get strung out [LIKE A TAMPON] by the way I look

	Don't judge a book by its cover [PRICE THAT IS]

	I'm not much of a man [NO SHIT]

	By the light of day

	But by night I'm one hell of a lover

	[Echo: I'M ONE SICK MOTHERFUCKER!]



	I'm just a sweet transvestite

	From Transexual, Transylvania



	Let me show you around

	And maybe play you a sound [Echo: PLAY WITH YOUR MOUND]

	You look like you're both pretty groovy [Echo: FUCKING GOOFY!]

	[AND MICKEY, AND DONALD...]

	Or if you wnat something visual [LIKE A MOVIE]

	That's not too abysmal [LIKE THIS MOVIE]

	We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie [WHO THE FUCK IS STEVE

	REEVES?]

	[SUPERMAN'S GAY BROTHER!]



Brad:   I'm glad we caught you at home

	Could we use you phone?

	We're both in a bit of a hurry.



Janet:  [LEFT] Right. [LEFT]



Brad:   We'll just stay where we are then go back to the car

	[Echo: FUCK IN THE CAR]

	We don't want to be any worry [Echo: WE DON'T WANT TO FUCK TIM CURRY!]



Frank:  Well you got caught with a flat, well, how' bout that

	[Echo: FUCK MY CAT!][MEOW!]

	Well babies, don't you panic.

	By the light of the night, it'll all seem alright

	I'll get you a satanic [echo: HISPANIC!] mechanic [FREDDY PRINZ!]



	I'm just a sweet transvestite [BOOM-CHICKA-BOOM-CHICKA-BOOM]

	From Transexual, Transylvania



	Why don't you stay for the night



Riff:   Night



Frank:  Or maybe a bite



Columbia:Bite [DON'T BITE OFF MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW!]

	      [DON'T CHEW MORE THAN YOU CAN SWALLOW!]



Frank:  I could show you my favorite obsesion [Echo: POSITION]

	I've been making a man [YOU CALL THAT A MAN?]

	With blond hair and a tan [YOU CALL THAT A TAN?]

	And he's good for relieving my tension [Echo: ERECTION]

	I'm just a sweet transvestite [FUCK HIM WITH YOUR EYES!]

	From Transexual, Transylvania

	[echo] HIT IT, HIT IT!!!!

	I'm just a sweet transvestite



Omnes:  Sweet tranvestite



Frank:  From Transexual,



Omnes:                   Transylvania



	[DO, RE, MI, FA...]



Frank:  So [LA TI DO], come up to the lab [I CAN'T COME THAT HIGH!]

	And see what's on the slab [echo: GET FUCKED ON THE SLAB!]

	I see you shiver with antici- (3 seconds) [SAY IT!  CONSTI-]

				     pation.

	[THAT WAS HARD TO GET OUT.]

	But maybe the rain

	Is really to blame [NO, SUE'S TO BLAME!  DIDN'T YOU READ THE CREDITS?]

	So I'll remove the cause [echo: YOUR CLOTHES!]

	[WHAT ABOUT HOMER, MARGE, BART, MAGGIE, AND LISA?]

	But not the symptoms!



	(applause; B&J are given towels)



	[JANET'S ON THE RAG!  SO'S BRAD!  DON'T FORGET TO WIPE YOUR ASSHOLE!]



Janet:  Thank you.



Brad:   Thank you very much. [FUCK YOU VERY LITTLE!]



	(Columbia and Riff begin to undress B&J)



	[WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN BRAD TRIES TO FUCK YOU?]



Janet:  Oh!  Brad!



Brad:   It's all right Janet.  We'll play along for now and pull out the

	aces when the time is right. [YOU CALL THAT AN ACE?  I GUESS HE WAS

	A JOKER!]



Columbia: Slowly, slowly!  It's too nice a job to rush.



Brad:   Hi, my name is Brad Majors [ASSHOLE!] and this is my fiancee,

	Janet Weiss; [SPELL "URINARY TRACT INFECTION!"] you are...?



Columbia: You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory.  Some

	people would give their right arm for the privelege!  [OR THEIR

	LEFT TIT!  OR THEIR EYEBROWS!]



Brad:   People like you, maybe?



Columbia: Ha!  I've seen it! [AND I DON'T DO LAUNDRY!]



	[GRAB SOMETHING USEFUL, BRAD!  LIKE A SHOE!]



	(Riff pours some wine into a glass, takes a swig from the bottle,

	 and lets it drop after Columbia says, "Shift it!")



Riff:   Come along now, the master doesn't like to be kept waiting.



	[RIFF HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM - HE CAN'T HOLD HIS LIQUOR!]



	[WHAT DO YOU DO WITH AN UNCOMFORTABLE TAMPON?]



Columbia: Shift it. [DROP IT!. . .THANK YOU!]



	[HEY RIFF, SHOW US YOUR SERIOUS LOOK - NEEDS WORK.]



	(Janet screeches - the elevator goes up)

	[FIRST FLOOR, LAMPS AND SHIT.  SECOND FLOOR, STUPID QUESTIONS.]



Janet:  Is he - Frank, I mean - your husband?



	[THIRD FLOOR, STUPID ANSWERS]



Riff:   The master is not yet married, nor do I expect he ever shall be.

	We are simply his servants. [Echo: SLAVES!]



	[FOURTH FLOOR, STUPID GIGGLES.]



Janet:  Oh.



	[FIFTH FLOOR, TOTAL DARKNESS.  SIXTH FLOOR, KERMIT THE FROG IN DRAG.]



	[HELLLOOOOO NURSE!]



	[INVISIBLE MAN FIRST. . .SLUTS SECOND. . .ASSHOLES THIRD. . .SERVANTS,

	 GROPIES, AND DYKES TAKIN' UP THE REAR.  SIDE-STEP IT, BITCH!]



	[WELCOME TO THE [...] CITY COUNCIL, [...] PRESIDING!]



	[MY, BUT THOSE SPEAKERS ARE WELL-HUNG!]

	[LIKE YOU WERE LOOKING AT THE SPEAKERS!]



	[LOOK, IT'S KEN AND BARBIE - WITH ACTION-GRIP!  ANATOMICALLY CORRECT!]



Frank:  [WHAT COLOR IS YOUR DICK AFTER MASTURBATING WITH A CHEESE GRATER FOR

	 SIX HOURS?] Magenta!  [WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR

	POT?]  Columbia!  [THAI'S BETTER!]  Go assist Riff-Raff

	[Echo: WOOF-WOOF][WHY, CAN'T HE JERK OFF BY HIMSELF?].  I will

	entertain. . .uh huh huh. . . [THE CAMERAMAN, WITH THE WORLD'S LARGEST

	 HANDJOB!] [HE'S NOT REACHING FOR YOUR HAND, BRAD!]



Brad:   Brad Majors. [ASSHOLE!] And this is my fiancee, Janet Veiss [VEISSSSS]



Janet:  Weiss.



Brad:   Weiss?  um...



	[HOW DO YOU SAY, 'YOUR HAND SMELLS LIKE FISH' IN FRENCH?]



Frank:  Enchante.



	(Janet giggles)

	[WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HER TITS?]



	Well how nice.  And what charming underclothes you both have.

	[THEY'RE UNDEROOS, THE UNDERWEAR THAT'S FUN TO WEAR, AND EVEN MORE

	 FUN TO EAT OFF!]

	But here, put these (smocks) on. [AND TAKE THOSE OFF!] They'll make

	you feel less [NAKED!] vulnerable.  [SAME THING!]  It's not often we

	receive visitors here, let alone offer them. . .hospitality. [Echo:

	HORSE-BRUTALITY!]



	[GET TOUGH, BRAD!]



Brad:   Hospitality [echo: HORSE-BRUTALITY?]  All we asked was to use

	your telephone, goddamnit, a reasonable request which you've

	chosen to ignore!



Janet:  Brad, don't be ungrateful! [SLUT!]



	[LOOK, UP IN THE SKY, IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE, IT'S KURT COBAIN'S

	BRAINS, IT'S. . .]



Brad:   Ungrateful! (removes his glasses) [SUPERASSHOLE!]



	[JANET, THERE'S A SPIDER ON YOU FACE!  ARE YOU GIVING IT HEAD?]



Frank:  How forceful you are, Brad.  [DESCRIBE BARBARA BUSH!] Such a perfect

	specimen of manhood.  So. . .[BIG!] dominant.  [COVER YOUR DOMINANCE,

	 BRAD!]] You must be awfully proud of him, Janet.



	[HEY, JANET, ARE YOU A SLUT?]



Janet:  Well, yes I am.



Frank:  Do you have any tattos, Brad? [HOW DO YOU TATTOO AN ASSHOLE?  WITH

	A VERY SMALL NEEDLE AND WRITE 'MOM'  UPSIDE DOWN IT SAYS 'WOW'  WHEN

	YOU DO SOMERSAULTS IT SAYS 'WOW, MOM, WOW!']



Brad:   Certainly not!



Frank:  [ASK JANET!] Oh well, how about you?



Janet:  No.  (giggling)



Riff:   Everything is in readiness, master.  We merely await your -

	[ORGASM] word.  [AWW, SHIT, I JUST HAD THAT HUMP CLEANED YESTERDAY,

	 AND I STILL CAN'T DECIDE WHAT SIDE IT'S ON!]



Frank:  [HEY, FRANK, WHEN'S THE ORGY AND WHO'S INVITED?] Tonight, my

	unconventional conventioners - you are about to witness a new

	breakthrough in biochemical [Echo: BI-SEXUAL] research - and paradise

	is to be mine.  It was strange how it happned - suddenly you get

	a break -  whole pieces start to fit into place [SOUNDS LIKE SEX TO ME,

	OR, AT LEAST CORRECT SEX!], not a sign of being - [DESCRIBE DAN QUAYLE!]

	what a fool!  The answer was there all the time, it took a small

	accident to make it happen... [WHAT WAS YOUR BIRTH?] An ACCIDENT!



Magenta & Columbia: An accident!



Frank:  And that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient,

	[WHO GIVES THE BEST BLOWJOBS ON THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE?]

	That SPARK that is the breath of life. . .[ARE YOU GOING TO BUTTFUCK

	EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT?] Yes!! [DO YOU KNOW HOW?]

	I have that knowledge! [WHAT DO YOU HOLD UNDER YOUR ARM?]

	I hold the secret... [TO LIFE?] to life! [ITSELF?] Itself!



	[F!] You see [K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E..FUCKEY MOUSE (DILDO DUCK!)  FUCKEY

	 MOUSE (DILDO DUCK!)] You are fortunate for tonight is the

	night that my beautiful creature is destined to be BORN! [Echo:

	FUCKED!]



	(Magenta & Columbia take hold of the cloth)

	[SIXTY-SEVEN, SIXTY-EIGHT, SIXTY-NINE...]w

	[HOW DO YOU SAY "FUCK" IN CHINESE?]



	Up now!. . .

	[IT'S TAMPON MAN AND HE'S SELF-INSERTING!]

	Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator!  [WHAT WERE THA LAST

	 WORDS AT CHERNOBYL?] and step up the reactor power input

	THREE MORE POINTS! [Echo: ...MORE DORITOS!]



	[PUT YOUR HUMP INTO IT, RIFF!]



	[when Riff turns the wheel, I HATE THIS JOB, I HATE THIS JOB...

	 HE'S WORKING SO HARD, STEAM'S COMING OUT OF HIS ASS!  SAVE IT FOR

	 DINNER!  PIIIGS IIIIIN SPPAAAACE AAACE AAACE!  DICK'S EYE VIEW OF A

	 BLOWJOB!] The colors come in the order Red, Orange, Yellow, Green,

	 Blue, Indigo, Violet.  Identify colors as RED!  ORANGE!  etc.]



	[IS IT SOUP YET?  IS IT SOUP YET?... NOW IT IS!]



	[LOOK!  IT'S ROCKY'S FIRST SCREW!]

	(Rocky emits some guttural garbage)

	[TAMPON MAN HAS PARKINSON'S!]

	[AND TAMPON-MAN STANDS FULLY ERECT!]



	Oh! Rocky!





		*THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES*



Rocky:  The sword of Damocles in hangin' over my head [BREATHE!]

	And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cutting the thread

	Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery [Echo: I MISSED MY LOBOTOMY!]

	Oh, can't you see, that I'm at the satart of a pretty big downer



	[Echo: A PRETTY BIG BONER]



	I woke up this morning with a start that I fell out of bed

Omnes:  That ain't no crime

Rocky:  And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread

Omnes:  That ain't no crime

Rocky:  My high is low, I'm dressed up with no place to go

	[Echo: WITH NO ONE TO BLOW!]

	And all I know is I'm at the start of a pretty big downer

Omnes:  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime

Rocky:  Oh no no

Omnes:  Sha la la la that ain't no crime

Rocky:  Oh no no

Omnes:  Sha la la la that ain't no crime

Rocky:  Oh no no

Omnes:  Sha la la la that ain't no crime

Rocky:  The sword of Damocles is hangin over my head

Omnes:  That ain't no crime

Rocky:  And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cuttin the thread

Omnes:  Sha la la la that ain't no crime

Rocky:  Oh no no no

Omnes:  Sha la la la that ain't no crime

Rocky:  Oh no no

		(repeat until end - sha la la)



Omnes:  Sha la la la that ain't no crime, sha la la la that ain't no crime,

	Sha la la la that ain't no crime, sha la la la that ain't no crime,

	Sha la la





	[As an alternative to "SHOW US HOW...", sing IF YOU'RE HORNY AND YOU

	 KNOW IT CLAP YOUR BARS/IF YOU'RE HORNY AND YOU KNOW IT CLAP YOUR

	 BARS/IF YOU'RE HORNY AND YOU KNOW IT THEN YOUR BALLS WILL SURELY

	 SHOW IT/IF YOU'RE HORNY AND YOU KNOW IT CLAP YOUR BARS]



Frank:  Well really.  That's no way to behave on your first day out.



	[OF THE CLOSET]

	[At this point, begin singing 'IF YOU'RE HORNY AND YOU KNOW IT

	 CLAP YOUR BARS! (clap clap...repeat as required)]



Rocky:  Ugh ugh (forlornly like a puppy dog)



Frank:  [FORGIVE HIM!] But since you're such an exceptional beauty, I am

	prepared to forgive you.



	[SHOW US HOW YOU MASTURBATE SIAMESE TWINS!]



Rocky:   ugh ugh (applause; Rocky [and audience] claps like a child)



Frank:  Oh, I just love success. [YOU LOVE TO SUCK ANYTHING!]



Riff:   He's a credit to your genius, master.



Frank:  Yes.



Magenta:A triumph of your will.



Frank:  Yes.



Columbia: He's Okay. [Echo: NOT GAY.]



Frank:  [KILL THAT SMURF!  KILL THAT SMURF!]  O.K.?!? [Echo: NOT GAY?!?]

	[GET YOUR TITS OFF MY TANK!]  O.K.!?! [Echo: NOT GAY?!?!] [WHAT DO

	YOU THINK OF RUSH LIMBAUGH?] I think we can do better than that!

	Humph! [WHY DON'T YOU ASK KEN AND BARBIE?] Well, Brad and Janet,

	what do you think of him?



Janet:  [SEE SLUT LIE.   LIE, SLUT, LIE.] Well, I don't like men with

	too many muscles.

	[JUST ONE BIG ONE!!!!]



Frank:  I didn't make him. . .for you! [SHE GETS HIM ANYWAY!]  He carries

	the Charles Atlas seal of approval!



		*I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN*



Frank:  [DESCRIBE GEORGE BUSH!]

	A weakling weighing ninety-eight pounds

	[NINETY-SEVEN AND A HALF, HE JERKED OFF LAST NIGHT!

	 NINETY-SEVEN AND THREE QUARTERS, HE SWALLOWED IT!]

	Will get sand in his face

	When kicked to the ground

	And soon in the gym with a determined chin

	[WHAT WILL YOU LICK?]

	The sweat from his pores [Echo: BALLS] as he works for his cause



	[OH, GREAT, NOW HE'S GONNA THINK HIS FIRST NAME IS 'HAPPY'.]



	Will make him glisten [WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TOOTHPASTE?]

	And Gleam.

	And with massage. . .and just a bit of steam [GO FOR THE GOLD!]

	[MISSED IT, MISSED IT, NOW YOU GOTTA KISS IT!  THAT'S WHY HE

	MISSED IT!]

	He'll be pink and quite clean

	He'll be a strong man [WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE LUBRICANT]

	Oh honey,



Omnes:  But the wrong man



Frank:  He'll eat nutritious [CUM], high protein [CUM], and swallow raw eggs

	[Echo: CUM!]

	Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and. . .legs

	[ALL THREE OF THEM!]

	Such an effort, if he only knew of my plan

	In just seven days [AND SIX HARD NIGHTS!]



Omnes:  I can make you a man [...FAG, JUST LIKE YOUR DAD]



	[LOOK, IT'S THE WORLD'S LARGEST DILDO!]



Frank:  He'll do press-ups, and chin-ups, do the snatch, clean and jerk

	[Echo: LICK JANET'S SNATCH CLEAN AND JERK OFF]

	[OFF!  HARDER!  HARDER!]

	He thinks dynamic tension

	Must be hard work

	Such strenuous living I just can't understand

	When in just seven days, oh baby, [AND SEVEN NIGHTS!]

	I can make you a man



	[GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER?]



	[HEY FRANK, WHAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF 'OOH AH'?]



Frank:  Ah. . .Ooh!



Columbia: Eddy!



		*HOT PATOOTIE (BLESS MY SOUL)*



	[GOGGLES!  HELMET!  ORGASM!  STUPID SONG!]



Eddy:   Whatever happened to Saturday night [SUNDAY MORNING!]

	When you dressed up sharp and you felt all right

	It don't seem the same since cosmic light

	Came into my life, I thought I was divine

	I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go

	And listen to the music on the radio

	A saxophone was blowing on a rock and roll show

	You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time



	[echo the following with: SMOKE A BOWL!  SEX, DRUGS, AND ROCK-N-ROLL!]

	[first time say: JOHN BELUSHI'S DEAD IN A HOLE 'CAUSE OF SEX, DRUGS,

	 AND ROCK-N-ROLL]



	Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll!

	Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll!

	Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll!

	Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll!



	My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled

	My hands kinds fumbled with her white plastic belt

	I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt

	And she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine

	Get back in front, put some hair oil on

	Buddy Holly was singing his very last song

	With your arms around your girl you'd try to sing along

	It felt pretty good.  Woo!  You really had a good time



	[WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE LIBERTARIANS?]



Transie:Lovely party.



	(sax solo) [When Eddie kicks the audience: EAT SHIT!  AND DIE!]



	[SOMEBODY SAY LOVE!  SOMEBODY SAY HATE!]



	Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll!

	(...for a total of 12 (twelve) times)



	{Frank attacks Eddy with an alpinist's pick)

	[THAT'S NO WAY TO PICK YOUR FRIENDS!  PICKY, PICKY, PICKY!]



	[WHAT DO YOU SAY AFTER YOU SUCK OFF A BANKER?]



Frank:  One from the vaults (chortles) [A GREASER FROM THE FREEZER -

	LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL!]



	[GIVE THOSE TO MAGENTA - SHE KNOWS WHAT TO DO WITH BLOODY

	RUBBERS -- TURN 'EM INSIDE OUT AND USE 'EM AS TEABAGS!]



Rocky:  Ugh...



Frank:  Oh, baby!  don't be upset [I'M NOT UPSET, I'M PISSED!] It was

	a mercy killing! [MERCY, MERCY, MERCY!] he had a certain naive

	charm, [BUT WHAT ABOUT MUSCLE?] but no muscle [SHOW HIM YOUR MUSCLE!]

	(Rocky flexes a bicep) Oh! [WRONG MUSCLE!]



		*I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN (REPRISE)*



Frank:  But a deltoid and a bicep

	[WHAT'D YOU HAVE FOR LUNCH?]

	A hot groin and a tricep

	Makes me, oooh [Echo: BOOGIE WITH A MIDGET!]

	Makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the [BALLS!] hand



Omnes:  In just seven days [AND SEVEN NIGHTS!] I can make you a man



Frank:  [STEP, KICK...] I don't want no dissension

	Just dynamic tension



Janet:  [SING IT, BITCH!] I'm a muscle fan



Frank:  In just seven days [AND SEVEN NIGHTS!] I can make you a man

	Dig it if you can

	In just seven days [AND SEVEN NIGHTS!] I can make you a man



	(Frank and Rocky's wedding march)



Transylvanians: Frank and Rocky, rah rah rah!   Frank and Rocky, rah rah

	rah!  Frank and Rocky, rah rah rah! [throw confetti]



Narr:   [I SAY THAT LIFE IS AN ILLUSION!]

	There are those who say that life is an illusion.

	[LIKE YOUR NECK!]

	And that reality is just a figment of the imagination.

	[SO'S YOUR FUCKING NECK!]  If this is so, then Brad and Janet are

	quite safe. [UNLIKE YOUR NECK!]  However, the sudden

	departure of their host - and his [NECK!] creation - into the

	seclusion of the somber bridal suite [SWEET!]  had left them feeling

	both [NECKLESS!] apprehensive and uneasy, a feeling which grew

	[UNLIKE YOUR NECK!] as the other guests departed, and they were shown

	to their separate rooms. [WITH THEIR SEPARATE NECKS!] [YOU MAKE IT

	SOUND _SO_ DIRTY!]



	(Janet and Brad are shown to their rooms by Riff-Raff and Magenta)

	[WATCH OUT FOR THE SLUT DETECTOR!  LOOK, JANET'S WATER BROKE!

	 HE SEES YOU WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING, HE KNOWS WHEN YOU'RE AWAKE, HE

	 KNOWS IF YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING BRAD AND WHEN YOU MASTURBATE!  HEY

	 JANET, THERE'S A DILDO ON THE BED RIGHT THERE!  WORKS EVERY TIME!

	 SAME ROOM, DIFFERENT LIGHTING, CHEAP MOVIE! BRAD KNOWS ABOUT THE

	 BASIN - HE WAS HERE LAST WEEK!]



	(knock) [ROCKY HORROR SEX SCENE, TAKE ONE! (clap)]



	(howling)

	[SHUT UP, MAGENTA!]







Janet:          Uhh!  Who is it?  Who's there?



Frank (Brad):   [CANDYGRAM]  It's only me, Janet.



Janet:          Oh, Brad darling, come in [AND OUT, AND IN, AND OUT]

		Oh! Brad Oh Brad.  Yes my darling - but what if...



Frank (Brad):   It's all right, Janet, everything's going to be alright.

		[DON'T WORRY, I BROUGHT A RUBBER!]



Janet:          [HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY DEAD RAT?  HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY DEAD RAT?]

		Oh, I hope so, my darling.  Oh - Ah - ahh OHHH!  Oh it's you!



Frank:  I'm afraid so Janet, but isn't it NICE?

	[NO, BUT IT CETAINLY IS WEISS]



	[as Frank kisses his way down her body, at appropriate moments yell

	 DON'T!  STOP!  DON'T!  STOP!]



Janet:  Oh, you beast, you monster - Oh what have you done with Brad?

	[NOTHING YET, I'M SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST!]



Frank:  Oh, well, nothing.  Why, do you think I should?



Janet:  You tricked. . .I wouldn't have. . .I've never [NEVER EVER?] never...



Frank:  Yes, yes I know, but it isn't all bad, is it?

	[IT ISN'T ALL BRAD, EITHER!] I think you really found it quite

	pleasurable.



Janet:  Oh stop, I mean help, Brad Brad!  Oh Brad! [BRAD'S NOT DOWN THERE!

	 BRAD'S NEVER BEEN DOWN THERE!]



Frank:  Shhh, Brad's probably asleep by now.  Do you want him to see you

	[HOW DO YOU FUCK FARM ANIMALS?] like THIS?



Janet:  Like this. . .like how?!? Oh, it's your fault. . .you're to blame!

	[NO, SUE'S TO BLAME!]

	Oh, I was saving myself? [FOR WHAT, A RAINY DAY?  WELL JANET, IT'S

	 RAINING!]

	[IT'S RAINING, IT'S POURING, JANET'S TWAT IS BORING!]



Frank:  Yes, but I'm sure you're not SPENT yet...[ANYBODY GOT CHANGE FOR A

	 NICKEL?]



Janet:  Promise you won't tell Brad? [SLUT!]



Frank:  Cross my heart and hope to die. [STICK A DILDO IN MY EYE!]



	(assorted sexual noises)



	[MEET MISS MAGENTA.  SHE USES MOP 'N GLOW.  HER NEIGHBOR MRS. RAPLH

	 HAPSHATT HAS BEEN DOWN ON HER KNEES FOR SEVEN HOURS - BUT SHE'S NOT

	 MOPPING!][YOU FUCK WITH THE MOP, I'LL FUCK WITH THE MONSTER!]



	[ROCKY TAKES IT UP THE ASS, DOO-DAH, DOO-DAH

	 SERVICE ENTRANCE IN THE REAR, OH, DOO-DAH-DAY!]



	[TWITCH THAT SHOULDER!  THANK YOU!]

	[CAN YOU SPOT THE BLACK HOLE IN THE GOLDEN ARCHES?]

	[NOW YOU KNOW WHY THEY CALL HIM A _BUT_LER!]



	(Riff moves toward the candelabra) [I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, RIFF,

	 AND IT WON'T FIT!]



	(Riff scares Rocky with a candelabra) [HAVE SOME FIRE, SCARECROW?]



	(Rocky runs away) [IT'S DONKEY KONG JUNIOR!  WHERE'S THE BATHROOM?]



	[ELBOW SEX, ELBOW SEX...]

	[IF YOU DO IT WITH YOUR SISTER, THEN YOUR HAND WON'T GET A BLISTER!]

	[IF YOU DO IT WITH YOUR BROTHER, THEN YOU'LL NEVER WANT ANOTHER!]

	[IF YOU CAN'T KEEP IT IN YOU PANTS, AT LEAST KEEP IT IN THE FAMILY!]



	(Riff and Magenta kiss) [BETTER GREASE HER UP, SHE SQUEAKS!]



	[ROCKY HORROR SEX SCENE, TAKE TWO! (clap)]



Frank (Janet):  Oh Brad Darling, it's no good here.  It'll destroy us.



Brad:           Don't worry Janet.  We'll be away from here in the morning.



Frank (Janet):  Oh Brad you're so strong and protective. [I LOST MY TRIBBLE!

		  HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY TRIBBLE?...]



Brad:   Ah, ah, ah, oh YOU! [WHY DOES BRAD HAVE A TIT ON HIS BACK?]



Frank:  I'm afraid so, Brad, but isn't it NICE? [IT ISN'T WEISS EITHER!]



Brad:   Why YOU!  What have you done with Janet?  [FUCKED THE SHIT OUT

	 OF HER!]



Frank:  Nothing.  Why?  Do you think I should?



Brad:   You tricked me, I wouldn't have - never - never - never - never -



Frank:  Oh yes yes, I know - but it isn't all bad, is it?  Not even half bad,

	I think you really quite enjoyed it.



	(Brad starts moaning)



Frank:  Oh - so soft...



Brad:   Stop it - stop it - oh Janet. . .JANET! [JANET'S NOT DOWN THERE,

	 JANET'S NEVER BEEN DOWN THERE!]



Frank:  Janet's probably asleep by now.  Do you want her to see you like THIS?



Brad:   Like this, like how?!?  It's your fault, you're to blame,

	[NO, SUE'S TO BLAME!  DIDN'T YOU READ THE CREDITS?]

	I thought it was the real thing! [IT IS!]



Frank:  Oh come on Brad, admit it, you liked it, didn't you?  It isn't a

	crime to give yourself over to pleasure, Brad. [IT IS IN GEORGIA!]

	We've wasted so much time already. . .Janet needn't know, I

	won't tell her...



Brad:   Well, promise you won't tell...



Frank:  On my mother's graveuhhhhhh... [DON'T TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL!]



	[BRAD DIDN'T WANT TO BE GAY, HE JUST GOT SUCKED INTO IT!]

	(Beepbeepbeep...)



Riff:   Master, Rocky has broken his chains and vanished.  Your new playmate

	is loose and somewhere on the grounds. . .Magenta has just released

	[HER SISTERS!] the dogs...[LOOK, E.T.'S GIVING US THE FINGER!  FUCK

	 YOU, E.T.!]



Frank:  Mmmm?  Coming! [SO'S BRAD!  NOT YET!...NOW HE IS!]



Janet:  What's happening here? [SWITCH!]  Where's Brad? [SWITCH!]  Where's

	anybody?

	Oh Brad, Brad, my darling [JANET, MY FISH!], how could I have

	done this to you?  Oh!

	[IT WAS EASY!  IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EASIER WITHOUT THE PANTYHOSE!...DRIP,

	 DRIP,DRIP. . .WOMEN DRIVERS, NO SURVIVORS! (crash)]

	If only we hadn't made this journey! [Echo: MADE THIS MOVIE!]

	[BUT YOU DID!]  If only the car hadn't broken down! [Echo: THE PLOT

	 HADN'T BROKEN DOWN!][BUT IT DID!] If only we were

	amongst friends!  Or sane persons! [TWO OUT OF

	 THREE AIN'T BAD!]  Oh Brad, oh Brad [GET BUTCH, BITCH!] what

	have they done with him [IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR RELIEF, THERE'S A DILDO

	 ON THE WALL!]



	Oh Brad, oh Brad, how could you?



	[SHE'S ONLY UPSET BECAUSE SHE CAN'T JUMP THAT HIGH!]

	[THAT'S WHAT THE LADDER'S FOR!]

	[FIFTY WAYS TO LOVE YOUR LEVER!]



	(Rocky emits moans and general cries of pain)



Janet:  [LEAVE HIM ALONE, HE'S MONSTERBATING!  AW SHIT, CAUGHT AGAIN!]

	Oh, but you are hurt! [NO SHIT!]  Did they do this to you?

	[NO, I DID IT TO MYSELF!  AND I LIKED IT, TOO!!]  I'll dress your

	 wounds... [HEY, JANET, MAKE ME A 3-PIECE SUIT!  JANET'S INTO

	 BANDAGE!  HE'S GOT MORE HURT THAN YOU'VE GOT SKIRT!][JANET'S ON

	 THE LEFT, ROCKY'S ON THE RIGHT. . .WHO'S THE DICK IN THE MIDDLE?]

	[IT'S THE PENIS BETWEEN US!] baby there... Let me make it all better.



	[JANET, BEING A CONSCIENTIOUS SLIT, ALWAYS LOOKS BOTH WAYS BEFORE

	 FUCKING!]

	[JANET, ARE YOU GONNA FUCK ROCKY, OR THE AUDIENCE?  ROCKY, OR THE

	 AUDIENCE?  YES!  THE AUDIENCE WINS AGAIN!]



Narr:   Emotion: agitation or disturbance of the mind. . .Vehement or

	excited mental state. [AND YOU CAN ONLY READ ABOUT IT, NECKLESS!]

	It is also a powerful and irrational master [Echo: MOUTHWASH!], and

	from what Magenta and Columbia eagerly viewed on their

	television monitor there seemd little doubt that Janet was, indeed,

	[A NYMPHOMANIAC!]  its slave. [YOU'RE JUST PISSED BECAUSE YOUR WHOLE

	 FACE WON'T FIT ON THE SCREEN!]



Magenta & Columbia: Tell us about it, Janet!



		*TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH ME*



Janet:  I was feeling done in, [DESCRIBE DAVID DUKE!] couldn't win

	I'd only ever kissed before



Columbia: You mean she... [SHE'S CATHOLIC?]



Magenta: Uh-huh.



Janet:  I thought there's no use getting [LAID]

	Into heavy petting [SAME THING!]

	It only leads to trouble [AND STRETCH MARKS] and seat wetting

	[HEY, MY SEAT'S WET!]

	Now all I want to know is how to go

	I've tasted blood [Echo: COME!] and I want more



Mag&Col: [LESS!] More [LESS!] More [LESS!] More [LESS!] More [LESS!]



Janet:  I'll put up no resistance [YOU NEVER DID!]

	I want to stay the distance [Echo: I WANT TO FUCK YOUR PISTON!]

	I've got an itch to scratch [Echo: ITCHY SNATCH!]

	I need assistance



	[On "touch-a-touch-a", run up and touch Janet on the screen]



	Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me

	I wanna be dirty

	Thrill me chill me fulfill me [Echo: SCREW ME CHEW ME TATTOO ME]

	Creature of the night



	[As Rocky goes underneath Janet's legs, LOOKS LIKE A TACO, SMELLS

	 LIKE TUNA FISH, SNAPS LIKE A TURTLE.  THIS LOOKS LIKE A GOOD

	 PLACE FOR A STICK-UP...OR A STICK-IN.  PASS THE TARTAR SAUCE,

	 PLEASE!]



Janet:  Then if anything grows [SUCK IT!] while you pose

	I'll oil you up and rub you down



Mag&Col: [UP!] down [UP!] down [UP!] down [UP]



Janet:  And that's just one small fraction [ONE SIXTY-NINTH]

	of the main attraction

	You need a friendly hand and I need action



	[IT'S A TED TURNER ORGASM!]



	CHORUSCHORUSCHORUSCHORUS [this time, echo EAT ME, BEAT ME, MISTREAT ME!]





Col:    Toucha toucha toucha touch me

Mag:    I wannna be dirty

Col:    Thrill me chill me fulfill me

Mag:    Creature of the night



	CHORUSCHORUSCHORUSCHORUS



Rocky:  Creature of the night [SWITCH!]

Brad:   Creature of the night? [SWITCH!]

Frank:  Creature of the night [TOO MUCH MAKEUP]

Mag:    Creature of the night [TOO MUCH HAIR!]

Riff:   Creature of the night [TOO LITTLE HAIR!]

Col:    [AHHHHHHHHH!] Creature of the night

Rocky:  Creature of the night!

Janet:  Creature of the night.



Riff:   Owwwwwwwwww!  [SAY THANK YOU! SAY IT IN FRENCH!] Merrrrrrrcy!

	(being whipped by Frank)



Frank:  How did it happen [BEATS ME, BUT I HAVE A HUNCH!]  I understood

	you were to be watching!



Riff:   I was only away for a minute... [DOING WHAT?] Master... [BATING!]



	[SHOW US YOUR FOREHAND!  SHOW US YOUR BACKHAND!  NEEDS WORK.  FRANK

	 SWINGS BOTH WAYS!]



Frank:  Well, see if you can find him on the monitor.



Riff:   Master, master, we have a visitor.



Brad:   [WHAT DOES CAPTAIN KIRK SAY TO HIS CHIEF ENGINEER?] Hey Scotty!

	[BEAM ME UP, THIS PLANET SUCKS!] ...Dr. Everett Scott.

	[LOOK, MARY POPPINS AND R2D2 HAD A KID!]

Riff:   You know this earthling? [WHOOPS!] ...this person?

	[WATCH IT, O'BRIEN!  FUCK YOU CURRY, I WROTE THE SCRIPT!]



Brad:   Why yes, he happens to be an old friend [Echo: FUCK] of mine.



Frank:  [WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FRUIT DRINK?] I see.  So this wasn't simply

	a chance meeting.  You came here with a purpose [Echo: WITH A

	PORPOISE!][I THOUGHT IT WAS A DOLPHIN!][LEAVE FLIPPER OUT OF THIS!]



Brad:   I told you, my car broke down.  I was telling the truth!

	[ASSHOLES DON'T LIE, THEY'RE JUST FULL OF SHIT!]



Frank:  I know what you told me, Brad, but this Dr. Everett Scott - his

	name is not unknown to me. [IT'S WRITTEN ON THE BATHROOM WALLS!]



Brad:   He was a science teacher at Denton High School.



Frank:  [LET'S SEE HIS NIPPLE... NIP-PLE!  NIP-PLE! (cheers)]

	And now he works for you government, doesn't he, Brad?  He's

	attached to the bureau of investigation of that which you call

	UFOs!!  [OH, EFF YOU!] Isn't that right, Brad?



Brad:   He might be... I don't know.



Riff:   The intruder is entering the building, master.

	[AND THE BUILDING DOESN'T LIKE IT ONE LITTLE BIT!]



Frank:  He'll probably be entering the Zen Room. [NOT THE ZEN ROOM!]

	[LOOK AT THE ROACHES IN THIS PLACE - WISH MY HOUSE HAD ROACHES

	 LIKE THAT.]  Shall we inquire of him in person?  [NOT THE

	 TRIPLE-CONTACT FAGGOT MAGNET! FIRST ONE COMES EASY! SECOND ONE COMES

	 HARDER! PUT SOME ANKLE INTO IT!]



	[ONE MORE TIME WITHOUT THE WIRE! LEFT. . .LEFT. . .]



	[when Scott passes through Magenta & Columbia's room, RING

	 AROUND THE LESBIANS - FUCKING TOURISTS! ALWAYS IN AND OUT AND NEVER

	 STOP TO EAT ANYTHING!]



	[HEY, KOOL-AID!!!!]



Brad:   Great Scott! [throw toilet paper; IT LOOKS LIKE LOCKERBIE,

	 _SCOTT_LAND IN HERE!]



	[BOO-BERRY!]



Scott:  Frank N. Furter, [COUNT CHOCULA!] we meet at last! [NO, WE MEET AT

	 FIRST!]



Brad:   Dr Scott!



Scott:  Brad!  what are you doing here? [OH, JUST FUCKING AROUND!]



Frank:  Don't play games, Dr. Scott.  you know perfectly well what Brad

	Majors is doing here.  [GETTING GOOD HEAD!] It was part of your

	plan, was it not?  That he and his female [Echo: SHE-MALE] should

	check the layout for you? [GET LAID AND CHECK OUT.]  Well, unfortunately

	for you all, the plans are to be changed.  [HETEROSEX AGAIN?] You must

	be adaptable, Dr. Scott; [ARE YOU CIRCUMCISED?] I know Brad is.

	[SUCK AND TELL!]



Scott:  I can assure you that Brad's presence here comes as a complete

	surprise to me. [WHEN BRAD COMES, IT'S ALWAYS A SURPRISE!]  I came

	here to find [A GOOD MEAL!] Eddy.



Brad:   Eddy!  I've seen him!



Frank:  Eddy!  What do you know of Eddy, Dr. Scott?



Scott:  [GET SNOTTY, SCOTTY!] I happen to know a great deal about a lot of

	things.  [EXCEPT WALKING!] You see Eddy happens to be my [SEX SLAVE!]

	nephew.



	(Frank gasps)



	[MOUSEKETEER ROLL CALL SOUND OFF NOW!]



Brad:   Dr. Scott!



Janet:  Ah! [YOU BLEW IT, BITCH!]



	[echo three rounds of "Janet!", etc.  add BULLWINKLE for Rocky]



Scott:  Janet!



Janet:  Dr. Scott



Brad:   Janet!



Janet:  Brad!



Frank:  Rocky!



	(Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)



Scott:  Janet!



Janet:  Dr. Scott!



Brad:   Janet!



Janet:  Brad!



Frank:  Rocky!



	(Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)



Scott:  Janet!



Janet:  Dr. Scott!



Brad:   Janet!



Janet:  Brad!



Frank:  Rocky!



	(Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)

	[SIR!  ALL PRESENT AND ACCOUNTED FOR, _SIR_!  EXCEPT FOR FRANKIE

	 AND ANNETTE WHO ARE OUT ON THE BEACH FUCKING, _SIR!_]



Frank:  (to Rocky) Listen. . .I made you. . .and I can break you just

	as easily.



	[HOW DOES THIS MOVIE RATE ON THE GONG SHOW?]



Mag:    (gong) [SAY SOMETHING SOUTHERN!] Master, dinner is prepared!

	[AND WE HAY-ULPED!]



Frank:  [WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ANAL SEX?] Excellent!  Under the circumstances,

	formal dress is to be optional.  [TO-GA!  TO-GA!]



	[STOP GIVING THAT GLASS A RIM JOB AND STICK YOUR FINGER IN!]



Narr:   Food has always played a vital role in life's rituals.  The breaking

	of the bread, the last meal of the condemned man, and now...

	[Echo: OR JUST EATING OUT!]

	this meal.  However informal it might appear, you can be sure

	that there was to be little. . .bonhommie. [Echo: BUNHUMMING]



	[DR. SCOTT SURE FORKS A LOT FOR A CRIPPLE!  LOOK, IT'S MEATLOAF UNDER

	 THE SILVERDOME!  IF THAT'S THE HOSTESS, I'D HATE TO SEE THE TWINKIE!

	 IF THAT'S THE TWINKIE, I'D HATE TO SEE THE CREAM FILLING!]



	[ARE WE HAVING STEAM TONIGHT?  I SURE HOPE WE'RE HAVING STEAM!  OH BOY,

	 STEAM!]



	[LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MADONNA'S CLITORIS!]



	[EDDY, THE TABLE'S FOR GLASSES, NOT ASSES!]



	(dinner is served, the electric knife is used to slice up the meat)



	[MEAT LOAF AGAIN?  IT SLICES, IT DICES, IT CIRCUMCISES, AND IT FUCKS

	 THE SHIT OUT OF JANET WEISSES! _ALL SLICED UP AND NO PLACE

	 TO GO_, WOO! (clap) I WOULD EAT ANYONE FOR LOVE, BUT I WON'T EAT

	 THAT!]



	[Riff and Magenta pour the wine.  As they get to Dr. Scott: WHAT KIND

	 OF WINE IS IT? (Riff spills some) MUST BE A TABLE WINE!]



	[Scotty looks down and puts his napkin on his lap; IT'S A SANITARY

	 NAPKIN!  MESSY UP HERE!  MESSY DOWN THERE!  COVER THAT BONER!]



	[WHY IS ROCKY DRINKING OUT OF A SPECIMEN JAR?][BECUASE HE'S A PISS-

	 POOR ACTOR!]



Frank:  A toast [throw toast] to absent friends



Omnes:  To absent friends [AND PRESENT ENEMIES!  AND PLEASANT BONHOMMIES! AND...]



Frank:  And to Rocky [HERE'S A SONG EVEN THE VIRGINS CAN'T FUCK UP!]



	[THIS TIME FINISH THE SONG!  LAST WEEK YOU STOPPED IN THE MIDDLE!]



	(Frank starts a verse of stacatto 'Happy Birthday Rocky' and cuts

	 it off after 'Dear Rocky' [audience sings along])

	[...HAPPY BIRTHDAY _FUCK YOU!_]

	Shall we? [I THINK WE SHALL?]

	[NEW FROM WHAM-O, IT'S FRISBEE MEAT!]



Scott:  We came here to discuss [Echo: EAT] Eddy.



Col:    Eddy? [Frank threatens her with the slicer; WANNA BE BREAKFAST, BITCH?]



Frank:  That's a rather tender subject.  [THAT'S A RATHER TASTELESS JOKE!]

	Another slice anyone?



	[JANET GETS IT... BRAD GETS IT...   DR. SCOTT GETS IT... ROCKY GETS

	 IT, BUT HE DOESN'T CARE.]



	[HEY ROCKY, EAT LIKE A MARINE!  NOW EAT LIKE A CIVILIZED MARINE!]

	[NO SUCH THING!]

	[WHAT'S THE MATTER, COLUMBIA, YOU ATE HIM BEFORE!][BUT SHE DIDN'T

	SWALLOW LAST TIME!]

Col:    Excuse me.  [WHAT'S IT SOUND LIKE WHEN YOU GET FINGERFUCKED BY FREDDIE

	KRUEGER? (Scream on exit) WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?  OH, IT'S ONLY KETCHUP!]



Scott:  I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was worse than I imagined!

	Aliens!

	[WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING TO?  WHO THE FUCK ARE WE TALKING TO?]



Rocky:  Ugh? [JANET?]



Brad:   Dr. Scott! [JANET BRAD ROCKY BULLWINKLE!]



Frank:  Go on, Dr. Scott.  Or should I say [Echo: OR AS VEE SAY IN ZE OLD

	 COUNTRY,]

	Dr. von Scott? [SIEG HEIL!]



Brad:   Just what exactly are you implying?  [HE'S A NAZI, SHITHEAD!]



Scott:  It's all right!



Brad:   Dr. Scott!



Scott:  It's all right, Brad. [I CAN BULLSHIT MY WAY OUT OF THIS WITH A SONG!]



		*EDDY*



	[HOW LONG WAS HE GAY?][ABOUT SIX INCHES!]



Scott:  From the day he was born [NOT THE NIGHT BUT THE DAY TOOT TOOT]

	He was trouble [NOT MONOPOLY BUT TROUBLE TOOT TOOT]

	He was the thorn [NOT THE ROSE BUT THE THORN TOOT TOOT]

	In his mother's side [NOT THE FRONT BUT THE SIDE TOOT TOOT]

	She tried in vain [NOT THE ARTERY BUT THE VEIN TOOT TOOT]



Narr:   But he never caused her nothing but shame.  [SHAME, SHAME, SHAME!]



Scott:  He left home the day she died [Echo: HE GOT STONED AND THEN GOT FRIED!]

	[ROCKIN' SCOTT!]

	From the day he was born [BOP SHEBOP BOP]

	All he wanted [WAS DR. SCOTT'S COCK!]

	Was rock 'n roll porn [HI, MOM!]

	And a motorbike [WHOO-OO-OO-OO!]

	Shooting up junk [WHAT THE FUCK WAS HE, CHUCK?]

Chucky: He was a lowdown cheap little punk [FUCK YOU!]

Scotty: Taking everyone for a ride



Omnes:  When Eddy said he didn't like his teddy

	[Echo: WHEN EDDY SAID HE CIRCUMCISED HIS TEDDY]

	You knew he was a no-good kid

	[Echo: YOU KNEW HE WAS A JEWISH KID!]

	But when he threatened your life with a switchblade knife

	[Echo: BUT WHEN HE OPENED YOUR THIGHS WITH A DICK THIS SIZE:

	 Demonstrate with hands]



Frank:  What a guy [Echo: WHAT A FAG!]

Janet:  Makes you cry [Echo: MAKES YOU GAG!]

Scott:  Unt I did

	[WHAT'S AN UNT?][IT'S THREE FOURTHS OF A CUNT!][WHAT HAPPENED TO THE

	 OTHER FOURTH?][SOMEBODY ATE IT!][ONLY ONE-FOURTH?  THEY MUST NOT BE

	 VERY GOOD THEN.]



Col:    Everybody shoved him [Echo: EVERYBODY SUCKED HIM]

	I very nearly loved him [Echo: I VERY NEARLY FUCKED HIM]

	I said, "Hey, listen to me, [Echo: HEY LISTEN, SCREW ME]

	Stay sane inside insanity" [Echo: STAY HARD INSIDE MY CAVITY]

	But he locked the door and threw away the key

	[Echo: BUT HE PULLED IT OUT AND CAME ALL OVER ME]



Scott:  But he must have been drawn [NOT COLORED BUT DRAWN]

	Into something [WHAT THE FUCK IS A ZUM-ZING?][IT'S NOTZING!]

	Making him warn [WHO?]

	Me in a note which reads



Omnes:  [Echo] What's it say?  What's it say?



Eddy's voice: I'm outta my head [SPELLED H-E-D]

	Oh hurry, or I may be dead [SPELLED DEAD]

	They mustn't carry out their evil deeds (scream)

	[Echo: THEY MUSTN'T FILL ME WITH THEIR EVIL SEED!]



	ONE CHORUSCHORUSCHORUSCHORUS

	[WHAT'S AN UNT?][IT'S A CUNT YOU CAN'T C!]



Omnes:  When Eddy said he didn't like his Teddy

	You knew he was a no-good kid

	But when he threatened your life

	With a switchblade knife [Echo: BALL POINT PEN?]

	[IT'S A DILDO FOR TEDDY!]



Frank:  What a guy! [WHAT DOES SANTA SAY?]



Omnes:  Oh-oh-oh



Janet:  Makes you cry [WHAT DOES FAT ALBERT SAY?]



Omnes:  Hey, hey, hey



Scott:  Unt I did



	[HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU, I FUCKIN' _HATE_ CELERY!]



	(all scream)



	[HEY, FRANK, LET'S PLAY 'SLAP THE SLUT' - YOU GO FIRST!]



Frank:  Rocky! How [HETEROSEXUAL OF YOU!] could you! (slaps Janet)



	(general mayhem as Frank chases Janet.  Riff and Magenta laugh,

	 until Riff suddenly says, "Shut up!" [which the audience echoes])



		*WISE UP*



Frank:  I'll tell you once, I won't tell you twice

	You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss



	[Every time Frank says "Weiss", DID YOU SAY RICE? and throw it]



	Your apple pie don't taste too nice

	You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss



	I've laid the seed; it should be all you need

	You're as sensual as a pencil, wound up like an E or first string

	[Echo: G-STRING]

	When we made it, didja hear a bell ring [ring bell]



	Ya gotta block?  Well take my advice

	You better wise up, Janet Weiss

	The transducer will seduce ya



Janet:  My feet!  I can't move my feet!



Scott:  My wheels!  I can't move my wheels! [Echo: MY FACE, I CAN'T FEEL MY

							FACE!]



Brad:   [MY SOCKS! I CAN'T MOVE MY SOCKS!] It's as if we're glued to the spot!



Frank:  You are! [NYAH-NAH NAH NAH NAH]  So quake with fear, you

	tiny fools!



Janet:  We're trapped!



Frank:  (sung) It's something you'll get used to.  A mental mind fuck can

	be nice.



Scott:  You won't find Earth people wuite the easy mark you imagine.  This

	sonic transducer - it is, I suppose, some kind of audio-vibratory,

	physio-molecular transport device?



Brad:   You mean... [A VIBRATOR!]



Scott:  Yes, Brad, it's somthing we ourselves have been working on for

	quite some time. [A WORKING VIBRATOR!]  But it seems our friend

	here [A FRIENDLY WORKING VIBRATOR!] has found a means of perfecting

	it.  [THE PERFECT FRIENDLY WORKING VIBRATOR!]

	A device capable of breaking down solid [A BROKEN PERFECT FRIENDLY

	WORKING VIBRATOR!] matter and then projecting it through space and,

	who knows, perhaps even time itself. [A COSMIC BROKEN PERFECT FRIENDLY

	WORKING VIBRATOR!]



Janet:  You mean, he's going to send us to another planet?



Frank:  [echo] Planet, Schmanet, Janet!

	[HEY, FRANK, WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU RUN OUT OF TOILET PAPER?]

	You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss

	You'd better wise up, build your thighs up,

	You'd better wise up



Narr:   And then she cried out



Janet:  Stop! [Echo: MORE!]



Frank:  Don't get hot and flustered

	Use a bit of mustard [throw mustard packets]



	[throw hot dogs on "you're a hot dog"]



Brad:   You're a [Echo: SHOVE A] hot dog, [UP YOUR] but you'd better not try

	to hurt her, [OSCAR MEYER!] Frank Furter!



	(Freeze - Brad)



Scott:  You're a [Echo: SHOVE A] hot dog, [UP YOUR] but you'd better not try

	to hurt her, [HEBREW NATIONAL!] Frank Furter!



	(Freeze - Scott)



Janet:  You're a hot dog



	(Freeze - Janet) [SHUT UP BITCH, IT WOULDN'T HAVE RHYMED ANYWAY]



	[WHO'S TIM CURRY?]



Col:    My God! [MINE TOO!]  I can't stand any more of this!  [SO SIT DOWN!]

	First you spurn me for Eddy, and then you throw him off like an old

	overcoat for Rocky!  You chew people up and then you spit them out

	again! [CHEW CHEW CHEW, SPIT SPIT SPIT.  DOESN'T ANYBODY SWALLOW IN

	THIS MOVIE ?!?]  I loved you! [WHAT DID YOU SAY?]  Did

	you hear me, I loved you!  And what did it get me?  [A HOLE IN YOUR

	SHIRT!]  Yeah, I'll tell you - a big nothing! [AT LEAST IT WAS BIG!]

	You're like a sponge.  You take, take, take, and drain other of their

	love and emotion.  Yeah, well, I've had enough!  [PEEK-A-BOO!] You're

	gonna choose between me and Rocky, so named because of the rocks in

	his head! [HOLY MOLY, WHAT A BITCH!  HEY MAGENTA, FLIP THAT SWITCH!]

	(freeze) [BLT - BIG LEFT TIT.  EDDY MUST HAVE BEEN RIGHT-HANDED.]

	[NO, HE WAS LEFT HANDED, HE JUST LIKED IT FROM BEHIND!]



Frank:  It's not easy having a good time... [TRY CEDAR POINT ON ACID!]

	[DON'T FEEL SO ALONE, ROCKY; EVERYBODY MUST GET STONED. . .PLASTERED,

	 ANYWAY.] (freeze Rocky) [WHAT A PARTY - EVEN THE ROCKS ARE GETTING

	 STONED!] [WHAT DO YOU SAY AFTER GIVING 500 BLOWJOBS?] Even smiling

	makes my face ache [SO, BITE YOUR KNUCKLES- OR TRY TALKING TO A BIG

	 RED DOOR LIKE A JEWISH GRANDMOTHER!] and my

	children turn on me. [MOMMIE DEAREST!]  Rocky's behaving just the way

	Eddy did. [SHOW US YOUR EAR - EARGASM!]  Do you think I made a

	mistake, splitting his braing between the two of them? [THAT COULD

		BE IT!]



Mag:    Ahh!  I grow weary of this world!  When shall we return to

	Transylvania?  [WHEN YOU CAN SAY YOUR W'S, BITCH!]



Frank:  Magenta, I am indeed grateful to both you and your brother Riff Raff.



	[As Magenta turns toward Riff from Frank, YOU'RE LOSING HER!  YOU'RE

	 LOSING HER!  Also, WHERE'S MAGENTA'S OTHER HAND AND WHY IS RIFF

	 SMILING?]

	You have both served me well.  Loyalty such as yours shall not go

	unrewarded.  You will discover that when the mood takes me [TAKE ME,

	 TAKE ME!], I can be quite generous.



Mag:    I ask for nothing [UNDER 12 INCHES] ...nothing.



Frank:  And you shall receive it - in abundance! [Echo: IN THE BUTTOCKS!]

	 [FEE, FI, FO, FUM, FIRST FRANK

	 JACKS OFF THEN HE'LL] Come, we are ready for the floor show.  [LOOK OUT

	 FOR THE FINGER - IF YOU TOUCH IT, IT'S STATUTORY RAPE!][SIT ON HIS

	 FINGER, HE'LL GUESS YOUR WEIGHT.  SIT ON HIS LAP, HE'LL GUESS YOUR SIZE!

	 SIT ON HIS FACE, HE'LL GUESS YOUR SEX!]



	[JEEPERS, CREEPERS, WHERE'D YOU GET THOSE PEEPERS

	 JEEPERS, CREEPERS, WHERE THE FUCK ARE MAGENTA'S EYES?]



Narr:   And so, by some extraordinary coincidence, fate, it seemed, had decided

	that Brad and Janet should keep that appointmentwith their friend,

	Dr. Everett Scott.  But it was to be in a situation which none

	of them could have possibly foreseen.  And, just a few hours after

	announcing their engagement, Brad and Janet had both tasted [FRANK'S

	 COCK!] ...forbidden fruit.  [SAME THING]  This in itself was

	proof [120 proof] that their host was a man of little morals [YAY,

	 LITTLE MORALS!]

	and some persuasion [YAY, SOME PERSUASION!]  What further indignities

	were they to be subjected to?  And what of the floor show that

	is spoken of? [WHERE DO YOU MASTURBATE?]  In an empty house? [WHEN DO

	YOU MASTURBATE?]  In the middle of the night?

	[RATES ARE CHEAPER!]  What diabolical plan had seized Frank's crazed

	imagination?  [Echo: CHICKEN STEPPED ON YOUR FOREHEAD?]  What indeed?

	From what had gone before, it was clear

	that this was to be [UNCLE CHUCK, CAN WE HAVE A PICNIC?] no picnic.

	[AW, SHIT, AND I BROUGHT THE ANTS!]



		*ROSE TINT MY WORLD*



	[LADIES, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T SWALLOW!]

	[LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR FAVORITE SUPERHERO -- SAMURAI ELECTRICIAN!]



	(Unfreeze - Columbia)



	[HOW WAS YOUR FIRST PERIOD?]



Col:    It was great when it all began

	I was a regular Frankie fan

	But it was over when he had the plan

	To start working on a muscleman

	Now the only thing that gives me hope [IS SMOKING DOPE!]

	Rose tint my world and keep me safe from my trouble and pain



	(Unfreeze - Rocky)



Rocky:  I'm just seven hours old [AND CAN'T DANCE!]

	Truly beautiful to behold

	And somebody should be told

	That my libido hasn't been controlled

	Now the only thing I've come to trust [IS JANET'S BUST!]

	Is an orgasmic rush of lust [RIDE 'EM, COWBOY!]

	Rose tint my world and keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

	[ANAL FLOSS!]



	(Unfreeze - Brad)



Brad:   [WHAT'S TWO PLUS TWO?]

	It's beyond me [WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN YOU MASTURBATE?]

	Help me mommy

	I'll be good, you'll see, take this dream away

	What's this [THE FLOOR!]

	Let's see - I feel sexy [Echo: MY LEG!]

	What's come over me? [FRANK!]

	Whoo! Here it comes again.



	(unfreeze - Janet) [As Janet does a pelvic thrust, gag at the smell.

	 Thank her when she covers her crotch]



Janet:  I feel released [Echo: REAL CHEAP] Bad times deceased

	My confidence has increased

	Reality is here

	The game has been disbanded

	My mind has [Echo: MY THIGHS HAVE] been expanded

	It's a gas that Frankie's landed

	His lust is so sincere



		*FANFARE/DON'T DREAM IT*



	[AND TONIGHT'S $69,000 QUESTION IS:]



Frank:  Whatever happened to Fay Wray?

	[SHE WENT APESHIT!]

	That delicate, satin-draped frame? [IT WAS POLYESTER, I KNOW MY

	FABRICS!][DESCRIBE THE ABORTION!]

	As it clung to her thigh [WHAT? THE APESHIT OR THE ABORTION?]

	How I started to cry [I'D CRY TOO IF I HAD AN ABORTION ON MY THIGH!]

	'Cause I wanted to be dressed just the same [Echo: LIKE A CHICKEN!]



	[KICK THAT DICK!]

	[EVEN THE STAGE HAS A HARD-ON!]



	Give yourself over to absolute pleasure

	Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh

	Erotic nightmares [HOW BIG IS YOUR COCK?] beyond any measure

	And sensual daydreams to treasure forever

	[WHAT DO YOU SAY TO PISS OFF STEVIE WONDER?]

	Can't you just see it?  Oh, oh, oh...

	[DAMN IT, MICHELANGELO, I SAID THE CEILING, NOT THE POOL!][WHAT

	 DID YOU EXPECT FROM A TURTLE?]

	Don't dream it, be it (4x)

	[Echo: DON'T DRINK IT, FRANK PEED IN IT!]

	[HEY, WAITER, THERE'S A FAG IN MY SOUP - SHUT UP, EVERYBODY'LL

	 WANT ONE! ...LOOK! IT'S A FRUIT-FILLED LIFE-SAVER! ...FRANK'S

	 HAVING A WET DREAM! ...LOOK! IT'S THE SS TITANIC!  NO WONDER IT

	 SANK - FRANK'LL GO DOWN ON ANYTHING! THE TITANIC WAS A FAIRY BOAT!]

	[DID SOMEBODY SAY TOLL HOUSE COOKIES?  LOOK!  IT'S A DRAG RACE!]

	[LAST ONE IN THE POOL HAS TO STAR IN SHOCK TREATMENT - SORRY

	 LITTLE NELL!]



Omnes:  Don't dream it, be it (12x)



	[USE THE FORCE!]



	(Unfreeze - Scott on 6th time)



Scott:  Ach! [CHOO!  BLESS YOU!]  We've got to get [THE FUCK] out of here

	before this decadence [YAY, DECADENCE!] saps our wills.  I've

	got to be strong, and try to [DO MY BEST RICHARD NIXON IMPRESSION]

	hang on, or else [MY FACE WILL SHAKE]

	my mind [AND MY SHOE] may well snap [CRACKLE!  POP!] [LIKE A GOOD CONDOM

	SHOULDN'T] and my life will be lived [HEY, AMERICA, SHOW US YOUR

	 UNDERALLS!] for the thrills! [SO THAT'S WHAT THE BLANKET'S FOR!]



Brad:   It's beyond me; help me mommy!

Janet:  God bless Lily St. Cyr!



		*WILD AND UNTAMED THING*



Frank:  [HEY, FRANK, WHOSE POOL IS IT, FOURTEEN TIMES?]

	My my my my my my my my, my my my my my my

	I'm a wild and an untamed thing

	I'm a bee with a deadly sting

	You get a hit and your mind goes ping

	Your heart'll pump and your blood will sing

	So let the party and the sounds rock on

	We're gonna shake it till the life has gone, gone

	Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain



Omnes:  We're a wild and an untamed thing

	We're bees with a deadly sting...

	(2x)



Riff:   Frank N. Furter, it's all over

	Your mission is a failure [Echo: YOU'RE OUT OF ROLLING PAPERS]

	Your lifestyle's [Echo: HAIRSTLYE'S] too extreme

	I'm your new commander [Echo: I JUST FUCKED MY SISTER]

	You now are my prisoner [Echo: YOU CAN SMELL MY FINGER]

	We return to Transylvania

	Prepare the transit beam [Echo: MAGENTA MAKES ME CREAM]

	[HEY MAGENTA, THERE'S A LESBIAN CONVENTION IN THE PARKING LOT!]

	[IT'S A DILDO FOR WILSON PHILLIPS!][WITH AN ATTACHMENT FOR DEBBIE

	 GIBSON!  ELECTRIC YOUTH!]

Frank:  Wait! [WHAT DID YOU SAY WHEN YOUR MOTHER CAUGHT YOU BUTT-FUCKING

	 THE DOG?]  I can explain! [I THOUGHT IT WAS MY SISTER!][YOU'D

	 BETTER BE ABLE TO EXPLAIN WHEN THE DOG'S PREGNANT!]



	(Frank gives instructions to Columbia and Rocky) [YOU GET THE LIGHTS,

	 YOU GET THE OTHER SHIT - GOD I HOPE THIS WORKS.]

	[As Rocky tinkers with the lights: TYPICAL [...] ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING

	 MAJOR!...ROCKY DO GOOD!  ROCKY DO GOOD!]





		*I'M GOING HOME*



	[LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TONIGHT AND TONIGHT ONLY, JUDY GARLAND WITH

	 ALFALFA'S SHADOW]



Frank:  On the day I went away

Omnes:  Goodbye [Echo: WHO FUCKING CARES?]

Frank:  Was all I had to say

Omnes:  Now I

Frank:  I want to come again [AND AGAIN!] and stay [HARD!]

Omnes:  Oh my my

Frank:  Smile, and that will mean I may [Echo: I'M GAY]

	'Cause I've seen [A, E, I] Oh! [U AND SOMETIMES Y!] blue skies

							[Echo: BRAD'S THIGHS!]

	Through the tears [Echo: BY MY EARS][AND WHERE DID BRAD COME?] in my eyes

	And I realize, [I LOOK LIKE GREG BRADY ON ACID!] I'm going home

	[Echo: I'M FUCKING STONED]



Omnes: I'm going home



	[(Magenta yawns) BOR-ING!]

	[INSTANT AUDIENCE - JUST ADD ACID!]

Frank:  [WHERE HAVE YOU FUCKED?] Everywhere [HOW'S IT BEEN?] It's been the same

Omnes:  Feeling...

Frank:  [WHAT'S IT FEEL LIKE WHEN YOU SIT IN FRONT OF PEE-WEE HERMAN?]

	Like I'm outside in the rain

Omnes:  Wheeling

Frank:  [HOW MUCH IS A BLOWJOB?] Free to try and find a game [TRY MONOPOLY!]

Omnes:  Dealing

Frank:  Cards for sorrow, cards for pain [throw cards!!!]

	'Cause I've seen [THIS MOVIE TOO MANY FUCKING TIMES] blue skies

	Through the tears in my eyes

	And, I realize, [I STILL LOOK LIKE GREG BRADY ON ACID!] I'm going home



Omnes: I'm going home (3x)



	[TOTAL ECLIPSE OF A TRANSVESTITE!][IT'S AL JOLSON IN THE _JIZZ_

	 SINGER!][IT'S THE NBC PEACOCK!]

	[WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLOWJOB ON PROM NIGHT?]



Mag:    How sentimental. [YOU BITCH, YOU MADE MY DRUGS WEAR OFF!]

	[LOOK, IT'S A GARTH BROOKS CONCERT WHEN YOU NEED AN IQ TO GET IN!]



Riff:   And also presumptuous of you.  [F!] You see, [K!] when I said WE were to

	return to Transylvania I referred only to Magenter [WHAT'S A MAGENTER?]

	[ONE WHO MAGENTS!] and myself.  I'm sorry, however, if you found my

	words misleading, but [F!] you see [K!], you are to remain here - [HOW?]

	in spirit, anyway.



Scott:  Great heavens!  That's a laser! [NO, IT'S A VIBRATOR FOR CHARLIE'S

	 ANGELS!]

Riff:   Yes, Dr. Scott.  A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure

	anit-matter. [DOES THAT MEAN IT DOESN'T MATTER?]



Brad:   You mean - you're going to kill him?  What's his crime?

	[HE FUCKED YOU, DIDN'T HE?  CHECKED YOUR ASSHOLE LATELY?]



Scott:  You saw what became of Eddy.  Society must be protected.

	[FUCK SOCIETY!][SOCIETY'S ALREADY FUCKED!]



Riff:   Exactly, Dr. Scott.  And now, Frank N. Furter, your time has come.

	[SO HAS EVERYONE ELSE!] Say "hello" [HELLO!] to oblivion. [HI,

	 OBLIVION, HOW'S THE WIFE AND KIDS?  YOUR WIFE, MY KIDS!] And goodbye

	to all of. . .this.  [GOODBYE, ALL OF THIS.]



	[A BLINK OF THE EYE, A TWITCH OF THE LIPS

	 FIRST ONE TO SCREAM GETS IT RIGHT IN THE TITS!]



	(Columbia screams, gets zapped.  Frank runs for the curtain. [GO UNDER

	 THE CURTAIN!  NO, _UNDER_ THE CURTAIN! FUCKING FAGGOTS CAN'T FOLLOW

	 DIRECTIONS.] Frank screams, gets zapped. [HE'S NOT DEAD YET!] Frank

	 gets zapped again/falls [HE'S DEAD NOW!])



	[KING KONG'S PUBIC HAIR, PLEASE - THANK YOU. ...HEY, THERE'S STUPID MUSIC

	 UNDER THAT CURTAIN!  CHEST OF STEEL, SHOULDER OF STEEL, BACK OF STEEL -

	 TRANSVESTITE OF STEEL.]

	(Rocky moans over Frank's body - gets zap, zap, zapped, falls to his

	 death.) [TOWER OF PLASTIC]



Janet: Oh!  You killed them!



Magenta: But I thought you liked them.  They liked you.



Riff:   [GET PARANOID!] They didn't like me! [GET _REAL_ PARANOID!]  He

	never liked ME!



Scott:  You did right. [BROWNNOSER, IS THAT A SHITSTAIN OR A MOUSTACHE?

			SHOOT THE CRIPPLE, THEY GET ALL THE BEST PARKING

			SPACES!][STEP BY STEP, INCH BY INCH, CENTIMETER BY

			CENTIMETER, MILLIMETER BY MILLIMETER...]



Riff:   A decision had to be made. [AND YOU FUCKED UP!]



Scott:  You're O.K. by me. [NANU, NANU, SHAZBAT! OH SHIT, WRONG ALIENS!]



Riff:   Dr. Scott, I'm sorry about your... [DINNER!] ...nephew. [SAME THING!]



Scott:  Eddy? [NO, PENELOPE!] Yes, well, perhaps it was all for the

	best, heh heh heh. [HE WAS DELICIOUS!]



Riff:   You should leave now, Dr. Scott, while it is still possible.

	[YOU MEAN IT WAS POSSIBLE IN THE FIRST PLACE?]

	We are about to beam the entire house [HOUSE?  I THOUGHT IT WAS A CASTLE!

	 DOES THAT MEAN IT HAS A PHONE AFTER ALL?] to the planet of Transexual,

	in the galaxy of Transylvania. [IN THE STATE OF OHIO, JUST TEN

	MINUTES FROM I-90.]  Go... now. [DOES THIS MEAN WE CAN'T USE THE

	PHONE?]



	Our mission is completed, my most [UGLY Q-TIP!] beautiful sister.

	[IF THAT'S THE BEAUTIFUL ONE, I'D HATE TO SEE THE UGLY ONE!] And

	soon we shall return to the moon-drenched shores of [GITCHY-GOOMY!]

	[GETCHER OWN GOOMY!] our beloved planet. [WHERE THE WOMEN LOOK LIKE

	CUPCAKES AND THE MEN HAVE BANANAS ON THEIR HEADS!]



Magenta: Sweet Transexual, land of night [AND HIGH ELECTRIC

	BILLS] ...to sing and dance once more in your dark embrace...[IS IT

	BETTER TO GIVE OR TO TAKE?] to take

	that step to the right.. [THOUGHT SO.]

	[I TAWT I TAW A FWASHBACK!]

Riff:   But it's the pelvic thrust...



Omnes:  That really drives you insay-yay-yay-ay-ane...

	[I DID!  I DID TEE A FWASHBACK!]

Magenta: In our world, we'll do the time warp again!



		*SUPER HEROES*



Brad:   I've done a lot; God knows I've tried

	To find the truth.  I've even lied

	But all I know is down inside



Omnes:  I'm bleeding [no tasteless menstrual jokes at this point]



Janet:  And super heroes come to feast

	To taste the flesh not yet deceased

	And all I know is still the beast



Omnes:  Is feeding...  ahh ahhh....



	[petty argument takes place over which way to spin the globe.  Everyone

	 goes onstage and helps, if possible.  Before it stops spinning, spinners

	 try to reverse the direction but fail since the globe is only onscreen,

	 of course.  Everyone falls down, preferably on a person of amiable sexual

	 disposition, picks a partner, and fucks like crazed bunnies.  The cast,

	 who have to put up with this shit every week, push the lot of them off

	 the stage.  Those still fornicating try to keep up with the lines.]



	[STOP THE WORLD, I WANT TO GET OFF!]



Narr:   And crawling [WHERE?] on the planet's face

	[WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR LUNCH?]

	Some insects [WHAT WERE THEY CALLED?] called the human race.

	[HEY, THAT'S US!][WHERE'S YOUR FUCKING NECK?]

	Lost in time

	[WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW BESIDES STAR TREK?]

	And lost in space

	[AND WHAT DID THIS MOVIE LACK BESIDES A PLOT?]

	And meaning. [SING IT ONE TIME FOR THE VIRGINS!]



Omnes:  Meaning



	[YOU FORGOT TO TURN OFF THE GLOBE]



		*SCIENCE FICTION DOUBLE FEATURE - REPRISE*



	Science Fiction

	Double Feature

	Frank has built and lost his creature

	Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet

	The servants gone to a distant planet

	Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-o-o

	At the late night double feature picture show

	I wanna go, oh oh oh

	To the late night double feature picture show.





	this script brought to you through a ridiculous amount of work by

	the future senator,



	- Thomas James Douglas Morrison Schmidt

	- Light Terminal Operator (Emeritus)

	- ECMLVDC

	   --=Earlham College Moonlight VAX Driving Corps=--





	"Those whom God would destroy, He first makes mad.  Or

	 alternatively and perhaps more effectively, He first

			  makes them sane."



			- Aldous Huxley





you.



Riff:   [GET PARANOID!] They didn't like me! [GET _REAL_ PARANOID!]  He

	never liked ME!



Scott:  You did right€