The Rocky Horror Picture Show
         Balboa Island, Newport Beach,
          Southern California Version
                  compiled by
          Bill Ung  
        Midnight Insanity Entertainment

        Props: (in some sort of order)
                Newspaper (pref. Plain Dealer)
                Water (squirt gun, water bottle or whatever)
                Confetti (torn newpapers will suffice)
                Toilet Paper
                Cigarette lighter

        General Information:
                Audience instructions are in square brackets.  Text in quotes
                is to be shouted.  The instruction 'Echo' indicates that the
                following line is to be shouted in unison with the film.

        This file is edited by the Cast: "Midnight Insanity" from Newport
                Beach, California, Balboa Theatre.

                Whenever Brad appears, or is introduced in some way
                the line "Asshole!" is appropriate.
                When Janet is introduced or appears, the line "Slut!" is
                Whenever the Narrator (Charles Gray) appears, the following
                lines and variants are appropriate:
                "He's got no fucking neck!"
                Dr. Scott may be booed or yell "Kiss Ass!".


            [After the 20th Century Fox theme, say "In the beginning, there
            were WORDS!" when the first movie text appears, then you say
            "And then... There were MORE WORDS" when the second text appears.
            "And then God said 'Let there be lips!', and they were big, and
            they were red, and they were beautiful, until they started to
            sing!"; Trixie starts singing here]

Trixie (lips): Michael Rennie was ill
            The Day the Earth Stood Still
            But he told us ["To fuck off"] where we stand. ["On our feet"]
            And Flash Gordon was there
            In silver [echo "crusty"] underwear,
            Claude Rains was the Invisible Man.
            ["What, where?  I don't see him!"]
            Then something went wrong ["For who?"]
            For Fay Wray and King Kong;
            They got caught in a celluloid [echo "sexual"] jam. ["69!"]
            Then at a deadly pace
            It Came From ["on where?"] Outer Space [echo "Janet's face"]
            ["thank you"]
            And this is how the message ran:

Chorus:     Science fiction, double feature
            Doctor X ["Sex Sex Sex"] will build a creature.
            See androids fighting ["and fucking and sucking on"] Brad and
            Anne Francis stars in ["Deep Throat the sequel to"]
            Forbidden Planet
            Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
            At the late night, double feature,
            ["Rocky Horror"] picture show.

            [Wait for the Criminologist's (Charles Gray) credits to appear
            and say "Charles Gray, he's ok, but where's his fucking neck?
            "Uhhh" (with a pelvic thrust)]

Trixie (lips): I knew Leo G. Carrol
            Was over [echo "fucking"] a barrel
            When Tarantula took to the hills. [echo took "L.S.D."]
            ["Lick those lips!"]
            And I really got hot
            When I saw Jeanette Scott [echo "When I saw Janet's twat"]
            Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills.
            [echo using 'when I saw Janet's twat' Fight a "penis" that
            "impregnates" and kills]
            Dana Andrews said Prunes ["no raisins"]
            Gave him the runes [echo "Gave him the shits"]
            And passing them used lots of skills. ["Yay skills"]
            But When Worlds Collide,
            [clap hands "boom", say "it hurts"]
            Said George Pal to his bride,
            "I'm gonna give you some terrible thrills," [echo "some sexual
            Like a...

Chorus:     Science fiction, double feature
            Doctor X ["Sex sex sex"] will build a creature.
            See androids fighting ["and fucking and sucking on"] Brad and
            [echo "Brian Thompson" (watch the screen)]
            Anne Francis stars in [echo "Deep throat, the sequel to"]
            Forbidden Planet
            Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
            At the late night, double feature,
            ["Rocky Horror"] picture show.
            I wanna go
            Oh Oh Oh
            To the late night, double feature,
            ["Rocky Horror"] picture show.
            By RKO, ["RK Who?"]
            Oh Oh Oh
            To the late night, double feature,
            ["Rocky Horror"] picture show,
            ["Where's the best place to fuck?"]
            In the back row,
            ["Fuck the back row!" while standing and flipping off the back
            row, "Fuck the front row, fuck ALL the rows, masturbation in the
            Oh Oh Oh
            To the late night, double feature,
            ["Rocky Horror"] picture show.

Dentonian:  Here they come! (Dentonians cheer and throw rice) [throw RICE]

Photographer: I'd like the parents and then the grandparents. Just the close
            family.  Smile.  Ahhh, hold that.  Beautiful.  And... (snap)

Old Lady:   (croaks) Congratulations! ["Ejaculations!"]

Ralph:      Well, I guess we really did it, huh. ["Hit him, Hit him back"
            "Asshole punching contest"]

Brad:       I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and Betty have
            been almost inseparable since you met in Dr. Scott's refresher

Ralph:      Well to tell you the truth, Brad, that's the only reason I
            showed up in the first place. (chuckles) I mean...

Betty:      O.K. you guys, this is it. (everyone screams)

Ralph:      Well Betty's going to throw the bouquet.

Janet:      I got it!  I got it!

Ralph:      Hey big fella ["How would you know?"], looks like it could be
            your turn next, eh?

Brad:       Who knows. ["who cares?"]

Ralph:      So long, see you Brad. ["See ya, sucker"]
            Guess we better get get going now Betty.  Come on, hop in.
                (they drive away)

            ["Think hard Brad, did you change your underwear this morning?"]

Ralph:      See you, Brad.

            ["Be just and fear not, get drunk and fear some, be stoned and
            fear everything"]
            [As old folks run "Oh shit, missed the bus again."]

Janet:      Oh Brad, wasn't it wonderful?  ["No!"]
            Wasn't Betty radiantly beautiful? ["No!"]
            I can't believe it.  An hour ago she was just plain old
            Betty Monroe and now... ["Now she's a slut like you!"]
            now she's Mrs. Ralph Hapschatt.

Brad:       Yes Janet, Ralph is a lucky guy.
            ["No he's not, she's got (clap)"]

Janet:      Yes.

Dentonian:  I always cry at weddings.
            ["Do you laugh at funerals, bitch?"]

Brad:       Everyone knows that Betty is a wonderful little cook.
            ["And the best fuck in Denton"]

            ["Denton Denton, Rah Rah Rah, home of the Happy Hooker, Uhh"]

Janet:      Yes.

Brad:       Why Ralph himself, he'll be up for a promotion in a year or two.
            ["But he'll get a raise tonight!"]

Janet:      Yes.

            DAMMIT JANET

Brad:       Hey Janet.

Janet:      Yes Brad?

Brad:       I've got something to say.

            ["Sing it asshole, it's a musical"]

Janet:      Uh huh.

Brad:       I really love the... ["Starts with an S..." or "Slimy, scuzzy,
            scummy"] skillful way ["What a fucking genius"]... you beat
            the other girls... ["With whips and chains?"] to the bride's
            bouquet. ["that too"]

Brad:       The river was deep but I swam it. (Janet)
            The future is ours so let's plan it. (Janet)
            So please, don't tell me to can it. (Janet)
            I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet I love you.
            [echo "You're a slut!"]

            The road was long but I ran it. (Janet)
            There's a fire in my heart [echo "ass"] and you fan it. (Janet)
            If there's one fool for you then I am it. (Janet)
            I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet I love you.
            [echo "You're a slut!"]

            Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker. [echo "you're no
            There's three ways that love can grow.
            That's good, bad, or mediocre. [echo "gay, straight or bisexual"]
            ["How do you spell slut?"]
            Oh, J-A-N-E-T I love you so. [echo "I want a blow"]

            ["Hey Janet, how was your orgasm?"]
Janet:      Oh, it's nicer than Betty Monroe had. (Oh Brad)
            Now we're engaged and I'm so glad (Oh Brad)

            That you met Mom and you know Dad. (Oh Brad)
            [echo "That you fuck Mom and you blow Dad."]

            I've one thing to say and that's Brad, I'm mad, for you too.
            [echo "you fag, fuck you too"]

            Oh Brad...
            ["Brad, show us how you walk with a hard-on!"]

Brad:       Oh... dammit.
            [echo "oh shit"]

Janet:      I'm mad...

Brad:       Oh, Janet.
            [echo "oh shit"]

Janet:      For you.

Brad:       I love you too.
            [echo "I love to screw-ew-ew."]

Brad & Janet: There's one thing left to do - ah - oo.
            [echo "that's screw"]

Brad:       And that's go see the man who began it. (Janet)
            [echo "And that's go fuck the man in the casket" watch screen]
            When we met in his science exam - it (Janet)
            Made me give you the eye and then panic. (Janet)
            [echo "Made me, lift up your skirt and then ram it"]
            Now I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet, I love you.
            Dammit, Janet.

Janet:      Oh Brad, I'm mad. [echo "You fag" over "I'm mad"]

Brad:       Dammit, Janet.

Brad & Janet: I love you. [echo "Let's go screw"]

            ["What you are about to see is two virgins kissing, three
            assholes and a four-way split" wait for Brad and Janet to kiss
            "There's two virgins kissing", wait for Riff Raff, Magenta and
            Columbia "There's three assholes" wait for screen to split into
            four parts "And there's the four-way-split"]

            ["The man in the next scene has NO FUCKING NECK"]

Narrator:   I would like, ["You would, would you?"]
            ah, if I may, ["You may not"] take you
            ["take me! take me!] on a strange journey.
            ["How strange was it?  So strange they made a movie out of it!"]

            (goes for black book)

            ["Family pictures!  There's my mommy, there's my daddy, there's
            my cousin, and there's my..."]

            (opens book)

            It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Brad Majors ["asshole"]
            and his fiancee Janet Weiss ["slut"], ["She looks like a turtle
            in heat" ... "She IS a turtle in heat!"] two young, ordinary
            healthy kids left Denton that late November evening, to visit a
            Dr. Everett Scott ["kiss-ass!!!"] ex-tutor, now
            friend to both of them.
            ["Is it true that you fuck young boys up the ass?"]
            It's true there were dark storm clouds,
            ["Describe your balls!"]
            heavy ["Whoo"], black ["Whoo"], and pendulous ["Whoo"], towards
            which they were driving.
            ["It it also true that you fuck gerbils?"]
            It's true, also, that the spare tire they were carrying
            was badly in need of some air ["Like your fucking neck"], but,
            uh, they being normal kids, on a night out...

            [As the camera zooms in on the Criminologist, send someone up to
            the screen as the audience chants "Climb that tie!  Climb that
            tie!" repeatedly as the person climbs the tie.  When he is close
            enough, the audience should chant "Fuck that chin, Fuck that
            chin!" and the person should fuck the chin with his hands"]

            well, they were not going to let a storm spoil the rest of their
            evening, were they? ...On a night was a night out they
            were going to remember... for very long time.

            ["What a fucking drip"]

            [move hands as if they were windshield wipers]

            ["Hey Dick, have you ever been a quitter?"]
Nixon:      I have never been a quitter.  To leave office before
            my term is over is a horror to every instinct in my body.
            ["You call that a body?"]

            [When appropriate, "Hey, Janet eats like a rabbit, must fuck like
            one too!"]

Nixon:      But as President, ["You call that a
            President?"]...I must put the interests of America first.
            ["What does America need, Dick?"]  America needs a full time
            President, ["What else, Dick?"] and a full time Congress...

Janet:      Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's passed us.
            They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the
            weather and all.

Brad:       Yes, life's pretty cheap to that type.
            ["So's Janet"]

Janet:      Oh. ...What's the matter, Brad darling?

Brad:       We must have taken the wrong fork a few miles back.
            ["So go back and take the left spoon!"]

Janet:      Oh, but where did those motorcycles come from?

            [hum Twilight Zone theme]

Brad:       Hmmm... well I guess we'll just have to turn back.
            ["Don't back up!"]  (BOOM)

Janet:      Oh! What was that bang? ["A gang bang!"]

Brad:       We must have a blowout.  DAMMIT! ["Kill that smurf!"]
            I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed. ["Asshole!"]
            Well, you just stay here keep warm and I'll go for help.

Janet:      Where will you go in the middle of nowhere?

            ["Starts with a C and rhymes with ASSHOLE"]
Brad:       ...Didn't we pass a castle back down the road
            a few miles?  [Cheer] Maybe they have a telephone I could use.
            ["Castles don't have phones, asshole!"]

Janet:      I'm going with you.

Brad:       Oh, no, darling, there's no sense in both of us getting wet.

            ["Janet's already wet!"]

Janet:      I'm coming with you!  Besides darling, the owner of that phone
            might be a beautiful woman, ["He is!"] and you might never come
            back again. ["You should be so lucky."]

Brad:       Heh, heh, heh, heh.

            ["Only assholes kick tires!"]
            [they get out of the car "Kick it!".  NEWSPAPERS over heads,
            squirt the virgins sitting in front of you]

            ["George George George of the Jungle, watch out for that tree!"]


Janet:      In the velvet darkness, ["Between your legs"]
            Of the blackest night,
            Burning bright, ["What's up your ass?"] there's a guiding star.
            ["That must hurt!" ... "Janet will fuck you.."] No matter what or
            who you are.

Brad & Janet: There's a light... [Cigarette lighters on]

Chorus:     Over at the Frankenstein place.

Brad & Janet: There's a light...

Chorus:     ["Where do you keep your children?"]
            Burning in the fireplace...

Brad & Janet: There's a light, light in the darkness [Cigarette lighters
            off, yell "Darkness Virgins!!!" and squirt anyone with a light
            on] of everybody's life.

            ["Sing to us, o hairless one"]

Riff Raff:  Darkness must go down the river of night's dreaming.

            Flow morphia slow,
            let the sun and light come streaming
            Into my life.  Into my life...
            ["For one night, and one night only, the incredible shrinking,
            Riff Raff!"]

Brad & Janet: There's a light... [Lighters on]

Chorus:     Over at the Frankenstein place.

Brad & Janet: There's a light...

Chorus:     Burning in the fireplace.
            There's a light, a light

Brad & the darkness [Lighters off] of everybody's life.

            ["And Betsy Ross used to sit home and sew and sew and..."]

Narrator:   And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Brad and Janet
            ["unlike your neck"] and that they had found the assistance that
            their plight required. ["Are you sure?"] ...Or had they?
            ["Nyah ha ha!"]

Janet:      Brad, let's go back, I'm cold and frightened...

Brad:       Just a moment Janet, they might have a phone.

            ["Look, it's Scooby Doo and he's STONED" ... "Hey look, Janet's
            got a condom in her hair!"]

            ["Hey Riff, how do you say Jello in Spanish"]

Riff Raff:  Hello.

            ["Smoke pot and you get..."]
Brad:       Hi! My name is Brad Majors, ["asshole"] and this is my fiancee,
            Janet Weiss. ["slut"]  I wonder if you could help us.  You see,
            our car broke down a few miles up the road... do you have a
            phone we might use? ["Castles don't have phones asshole!"]

Riff Raff:  You're wet.

            ["Janet, are you a slut?"]
Janet:      Yes, ["Why?"] it's raining. ["You're a slut because it's

            ["Brad, are you an asshole?"]
Brad:       Yes.

            ["Riff, are you on drugs?"]
Riff Raff:  Yes...
            ["How 'bout your God?"]
            (Lightning flash illuminates motorcycles)
            ["Oh shit, just kidding!"]
            I think perhaps you better both ["Fuck off"] come inside.
            ["I don't care where you cum as long as you let Magenta clean
            it up"]

Janet:      You're too kind. ["No he's three kind" when they get inside,
            "Welcome to Shakey's! ... Shake shake shake" as they shake off
            the water]

            ["Can you spot the domestic in this picture?  No, the
            slut's in the way."]

Janet:      Oh Brad, I'm frightened.  What kind of a place is this?

            ["Describe the White House/Reagan Ranch"]
Brad:       Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos.
            ["Yay, rich weirdos"]

Janet:      Oh (forlornly)

Riff Raff:  ["How do you finger-fuck your sister?"] This way.

Janet:      Are you having a party?
            ["No, it's my sister's barmitzvah."]

Riff Raff:  You've arrived on a very special night.  It's one of the
            master's affairs. ["Which one?  ALL of them!"]

Janet:      Oh... lucky him.

Magenta:    You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky! ha ha ha ha
            [echo "the banister's sticky", then say "Magenta left a snail

            (- seven dongs -)

            THE TIME WARP

            [All Time Warper's to the front of the theatre next to the stage]

            ["Hey Riff, show us your mother"]

Riff Raff:  ["Hey Riff, how's your sex life?"]
            It's astounding;
            Time is fleeting; ["What's your favorite rock group?"]
            Madness takes its toll. [echo "Sucks my hole"]
            But listen closely...

            ["For how long?"]
Magenta:    Not for very much longer.

Riff Raff:  ["How many balls have you got?"]  I've got to ["I've got three"]
            keep control. [echo "smoke a bowl"]
            I remember doing the time-warp ["Kick! Kick!"]
            Drinking those moments when
            The blackness would hit me

Riff & Magenta: And the void would be calling...

Transylvanians: Let's do the time-warp again.
            Let's do the time-warp again.

            ["How's it done?"]

Narrator:   It's just a jump to the left.

All:        And then a step to the right.

Narrator:   With your hands on your hips. [echo "tits, or somebody else's"]

All:        You bring your knees in tight.
            But it's the pelvic thrust   [echo "group sex" with each thrust]
            That really drives you insane.

            Let's do the time-warp again.
            Let's do the time-warp again.

            [clap to the rhythm]

Magenta:    It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.
            So you can't see me, ["Do you douche?"] no, not at all.
            ["Where do you fuck?"]  In another dimension,
            ["How do you fuck?"]   with voyeuristic intention,
            ["Where are your tits?"] Well secluded,
            [Flip her the finger

            "Do you see this?"] I see all.

Riff Raff:  With a bit of a mind flip
            ["Flip off anybody"]

Magenta:    You're into the time slip. ["Fuck that bird!"]

Riff Raff:  And nothing can ever be the same.

Magenta:    You're spaced out on sensation. ["Hah!"]

Riff Raff:  Like you're under sedation.

All:        Let's do the time-warp again.
            Let's do the time-warp again.

Columbia:   Well I was walking down the street just having a think
            When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.
            He shook me up, he took me by surprise
            He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.
            He stared at me and I felt a change.
            Time meant nothing, never would again.

All:        Let's do the time-warp again.
            Let's do the time-warp again.

Narrator:   It's just a jump to the left.

All:        And then a step to the right.

Narrator:   With your hands on your hips. [echo "tits, or somebody else's"]

All:        You bring your knees in tight.
            But it's the pelvic thrust
            That really drives you insane.

            Let's do the time-warp again.
            Let's do the time-warp again.

            (Columbia tap-dances)

            ["Two! Four! Six! Eight! Everybody masturbate!  Five! Six! Seven!
            Eight! Everyone ejaculate!  Seven! Eight! Nine! Ten! Lick it up
            and do it again! Two! Four! Six! Eight! Everybody forcinate]
All:        Let's do the time-warp again.
            Let's do the time-warp again.

Narrator:   It's just a jump to the left. [echo "get the fuck off your desk"]

All:        And then a step to the right.

Narrator:   With your hands on your hips. [echo "tits, or somebody else's"]

All:        You bring your knees in tight.
            But it's the pelvic thrust
            that really drives you insane.

            Let's do the time-warp again.
            Let's do the time-warp again.

            [collapse onto the floor]

Janet:      Brad, say something.  (whispered)
            ["Say something stupid so we can all get up!"]

Brad:       Say ["that wasn't stupid"], do any of you guys know how to
            Madison? ["that was stupid"]

Janet:      Brad, please, let's get out of here.

Brad:       For God's sake keep a grip on yourself Janet.

            (music cue softly at first, crescendo up)
            [yell "sex" in time to Frank's steps]

Janet:      But it... it seems so unhealthy here.

Brad:       It's just a party, Janet.

Janet:      Well - I want to go.

Brad:       Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.

Janet:      Well then ask the butler or someone.

Brad:       Just a moment, Janet - we don't want to interfere
            with their celebration.

Janet:      This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad.

Brad:       They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own.
            They may do some more... folk dancing.

            ["How are you in bed?"]
Janet:      Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared.

Brad:       I'm here - there's nothing to worry about.

Janet:      Ahhhhh!!!


Frank:      How do you do, I
            See you've met my
            Faithful handyman.

            He's just a little brought down
            Because when you knocked
            He thought you were the candyman.
            ["That's ok, eat him anyway!"]

            Don't get strung out by the way I look.
            Don't judge a book by its cover.
            I'm not much of a man by the light of day
            But by night I'm one hell of a lover.

            [Everbody scream and cheer]

            I'm just a sweet transvestite
            From Transexual, Transylvania.

            Let me show you around
            Maybe play you a sound.
            You look like you're both pretty groovy.
            [echo "you've both, seen this movie"]
            Or if you want something visual
            ["A porno"]
            That's not too abysmal,
            ["A bad porno"]
            We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie. ["Who the fuck is
            Steve Reeves?"]

Brad:       I'm glad we caught you at home,
            Could we use your phone? [echo "Fuck your phone?"]
            We're both in a bit of a hurry.

Janet:      ["Left"] Right. ["Left"]

Brad:       We'll just say where we are,
            Then go back into the car. [echo "fuck in the car!"]

            We don't want to be any worry.
            ["We don't want to fuck Tim Curry"]

Frank:      Well you got with a flat, well, ["how bout this?"] how 'bout
            Well, babies, don't you panic.
            By the light of the night it'll all seem alright.
            I'll get you a satanic mechanic. ["S and M!"]

            I'm just a sweet transvestite [echo "God-damn faggot"]
            ["boom chick a boom chick a boom chick a boom"]
            From Transexual, Transylvania.

            Why don't you stay for the night?

Riff Raff:  [echo] Night.

Frank:      Or maybe a bite?

Columbia:   Bite.

Frank:      I could show you my favourite ["sexual"] obsession.
            [echo "position"] ["Sex!"]
            I've been making a man ["You call that a man?"]
            With blond hair and a tan ["With a big dick and a tan"]
            And he's good for relieving my... ["Sexual!"] ...tension

            I'm just a sweet transvestite [echo "God-damn faggot"]
            ["Check it out!"]
            From Transexual, Transylvania.
            [echo] HIT IT, HIT IT!
            I'm just a sweet transvestite

Frank, Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta: Sweet transvestite

Frank:      From Transexual,

Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta: Transylvania.

Frank:      So ["what?"]- come up to the lab, ["I can't cum that high"]
            And see what's [echo "fuck me"] on the slab.
            I see you shiver with antici- [echo "Consta-"] (3 seconds)
            ["SAY IT!"] - pation.
            But maybe the rain
            Isn't really to blame. ["No, Sue's to blame"]
            So I'll remove the cause. [echo "your clothes"] (chuckles)
            ["What about those nasty symptoms?"]
            But not the symptom.

            (applause) (Brad and Janet are given towels)

Janet:      Thank you.

Brad:       Thank you very much.

            ["Janet's on the rag ... no the rags on Janet"]

            (Columbia and Riff Raff start to undress Brad and Janet)

            ["May I take your coat, your shirt, your pants?"]

Janet:      Oh!  Brad!

Brad:       It's all right Janet.  We'll play along for now and pull
            out the aces when the time is right. ["Check out those aces!"]

Columbia:   Slowly, slowly! It's too nice a job to rush.

Brad:       Hi, my name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancee,
            Janet Weiss; ["Brad, how do you spell 'urinate'"] you are...

Columbia:   You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory.
            Some people would give their right arm for the privilege.
            ["Or their left tit!"]

Brad:       People like you maybe.

Columbia:   Ha! I've seen it.

            (She throws the clothes.  Brad grabs a shoe to cover himself.)
            ["Hey Brad, grab something useful, like your shoe!"]
            (Riff Raff pours wine into a glass, takes a swig from the

Magenta:    Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept waiting.
            Shift it.

            (Riff drops the bottle) ["Riff can't hold his liquor" sung out]

            (Janet screeches - the elevator goes up)

Janet:      Is he - Frank I mean - is he your husband?

Riff Raff:  The master is not yet married, nor do I expect he ever will be.
            We are simply his ["sex slaves"] servants.

Janet:      Oh.

            ["First floor, clocks, blocks, bagels and lox, snippers,
            clippers, bedroom slippers, watch your step. Second floor,
            rubber, leather lace and feathers, whips, dips and nipple clips,
            watch your ass.]

            [sing: "Who's that lady dressed in green?  That's no lady, it's
            a gay marine!]

            (doors open, panning shot of lab) ["sing "We Are the World"]

            [When the show the statues "My those speakers are well hung!"
            ..."And you were looking at the speakers?"]

            ["Sluts first ... Assholes second]

Frank:      ["What's your favorite color?"] Magenta,
            ["Where do you get your drugs?"] Columbia, ["Bad choice"]
            go assist Riff Raff [echo "Woof Woof"
            I will entertain ...uh huh huh... (chuckles) ["the cameraman"]

Brad:       Brad Majors.  And this is my fiancee, Janet "Vice".

Janet:      Weiss.

Brad:       Weiss? um

Frank:      ["Say something in French"] Enchante.
            (Janet giggles)

            ["What do you think of those tits?"]
Frank:      Well! how nice.
            And what charming underclothes you both have.
            But here.  Put these on.  ["and take those off"]
            They'll make you feel less ["naked"] vulnerable. ["same thing"]
            It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer
            them... hospitality [echo "horse brutality"].

Brad:       Hospitality!? [echo "Horse brutality!?"]
            All we asked was to use your telephone,
            goddammit, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore.

Janet:      Brad, don't be ungrateful.

Brad:       Ungrateful! [when Brad removes his glasses, "It's Superasshole!"]

Frank:      How forceful you are, Brad.
            Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So... ["big"] dominant
            (crowd has flurry of laughs).
            ["Brad, your dominance is showing!"]
            You must be awfully proud of him, Janet.

Janet:      ["Janet, are you a raging slut?"] Well, yes I am. (giggles)

Frank:      Do you have any tattoos, Brad?
            ["You can't tattoo and asshole!"--"Yes you can, put a 'W' on each
            cheek and roll: WOW MOM WOW"]

Brad:       Certainly not!

Frank:      Oh well, how about you. (to Janet)

            ["Show him the battleship"]
Janet:      No. (giggling)

Riff Raff:  Everything is in readiness, master,
            We merely await your word. [echo "erection"]

            (Frank spills wine on Riff) ["Oh no, my new suit, my best suit,
            my only suit"..."What about your space suit?"]

            [applaud when appropriate]

            [Hey Frank, when's the orgy and who's invited?"]
Frank:      Tonight, my unconventional conventionalists... you are about to
            witness a new breakthrough in biochemical [echo "bisexual"]
            research... and paradise is to be mine...["on my chest" watch
            screen]  It was strange the way it happened...  suddenly you get
            a break... whole pieces start to fit into place, [echo "Sit on
            my face"] not a sign of being...["Who was Reagan?"] what a fool!
            The answer was there all the time, ["42!"] it took
            a small accident to make it happen... ["What was your birth?"]
            AN ACCIDENT!

Magenta & Columbia: An accident!

Frank:      And that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient,
            that ["Who gives Captain Kirk a blojob in every episode?]
            SPARK that is the breath of life...["Ever dance
            with the devil in the pale moonlight?"]
            Yes, ["Do you know who Batman is?"] I have that knowledge...
            ["What do you hold between your legs?"] I hold the secret...
            ["To life?"] to life... ["Itself?"] itself!
            ["F"] You see, ["K, Y-O-U"], you are fortunate for tonight is the
            night that my beautiful  creature is destined to be BORN!
            [echo "fucked"]

            (Magenta and Columbia take hold of the cloth)

            [start countdown "65 ... 66 ... 67 ... 68 ... 69!", sheet comes

            Up now!
            Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator...
            and step the reactor power input

Janet:      Oh, Brad!

Brad:       It's all right, Janet.

            ["Hey, it's the world's largest tampon!"]

            [As Frank starts each colored tap, start saying "A little red
            shit, a little green shit, etc."]
            (colorful fluids, etc. in order Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue,
            Indigo Violet [identify colors as "Red! ...Orange", etc. ]
            [ask "Is it soup yet?" several times, answer "Not yet..." and
            then, "Now it is!" or "Fuck it, let's nuke it."]
            [When Rocky turns skeletal, "Oh look, Rocky's first boner!"]
            [When he grips the tank "Rocky's already reaching for his first
            screw, oh what a riveting experience!", "Hey, it's the world's
            largest SELF-INSERTING tampon!"]

            (Rocky emits some gutteral garbage)

            ["It's ... it's ... Ricky Schroeder!!!"]
Frank:      Oh!  Rocky! ["Oh Ricky!"]


Rocky:      The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head,
            And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cutting the thread.
            Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery.
            Oh, can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer.
            [echo "Pretty big boner"]

            I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed.

All:        That ain't no crime.

Rocky:      And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread.

All:        That ain't no crime.

Rocky:      My high is low, I'm dressed up with no place to go.
            [echo "no one to blow"]
            And all I know is I'm at the start of a pretty big downer.

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky:      Oh ho no no

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky:      Oh ho no no

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky:      Oh ho no no

Rocky:      The Sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.

All:        That ain't no crime.

Rocky:      And I've got the feeling someone's going to be cutting the

All:        That ain't no crime.

Rocky:      Oh, woe is me, my life is a mystery.
            And, can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer.

Frank:      Oh...oh...oh

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky:      Oh no no no.

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky:      Oh no no no.

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky:      Oh no no no.

All:        Crime!  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime,

Rocky:      Oh no no no.

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime,

Rocky:      Oh no no no.

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime,

Rocky:      Oh no no no.

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, sha-la-la.

Frank:      Well really.
            That's no way to behave on your first day out. ["Of the closet!"]

            [sing "If you're horny and you know it, beat your bars, if you're
            horny and you know it, beat your bars, if you're horny and you
            know it, and you really want to show it, if you're horny and you
            know it beat your bars."]

Rocky:      Ugh  Ugh  (forlornly like a puppy dog)

            ["So look at his dick and forgive him"]
Frank:      But since you're such an exceptional beauty, I am prepared to
            forgive you.

            ["Show us how you masturbate with two dicks!"]
Rocky:      Ugh  Ugh  (applause) (Rocky claps like a child)

Frank:      Oh, I just love success.
            ["You love anything with a `suck' in it."]

Riff Raff:  He's a credit to your genius, master.

Frank:      Yes.

Magenta:    A triumph of your will.

Frank:      Yes.

Columbia:   He's O.K. ["Half-Gay?!"]

            ["You blew it bitch."]

Frank:      O.k.  ["Kill that roach/smurf!"] (smack) ["Get your tits off my
            tank!"]  O.K.!  ["Half-Gay!?"] I think we can do better than
            that. ["Yeah, like all gay"] Humph! ["Ask the slut, she'll lie"]
            Well, Brad and Janet, ["tap tap tap"] what do you think of him?

Janet:      Well, I don't like men with too many muscles.
            ["Just one BIG one!"]

Frank:      I didn't make him... FOR YOU!
            He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval.
            [clap and bark like a seal]

            I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN (part I)

            (Frank gives Rocky gift-wrapped barbells with a tag saying
            "Happy Birthday Rocky")
            ["He can't read, he thinks his name is Happy!"]

Frank:      ["Describe Dan Quayle"]
            A weakling weighing ninety-eight pounds ["That's two Dan
            Will get sand in his face
            When kicked to the ground [echo "groin"];
            (Rocky laughs.) ["Rocky likes that!]"
            And soon in the gym with a determined chin, [echo "with cum on
            his chin"]
            The sweat from his pores [echo "balls"] as he works for his cause
            Will make him glisten
            ["What's your favorite toothpaste?"] and gleam.
            And with massage,
            ["What's for dinner?"]
            and just a little bit  of steam,
            ["Go for the gold!" followed by...
            sing "Missed it, missed it, now you gotta kiss it!"
            "That's the whole point!"]
            He'll be pink and quite clean
            He'll be a strong man.  Oh honey...

All:        But the wrong man.

Frank:      He'll eat nutritious ["cum"] high protein ["cum"].
            And swallow raw eggs... [echo "cum" over "eggs"]
            Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and...
            ["all three"] legs.
            ["horse brutality!"]  Such an effort if he only knew of my plan.
            ["go uhhh on each thrust"]
            In just seven days...
            ["And seven nights..." repeat after each time]

Frank & Transylvanians: I can make you a man. [echo "fag, just like
            your dad"]

Frank:      He'll do press-ups, and chin-ups, do the snatch,
            clean and jerk ["off"].
            He thinks dynamic tension must be hard work.
            Such strenuous living I just don't understand,
            When in just seven days, oh baby, ...I can make you a man.

            ["Beep three times if you're horny"]
            ["Hey Columbia, what's for dinner?"]

Columbia:   EDDIE!


Eddie:      Whatever happened to Saturday night,
            When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright?
            It don't seem the same since cosmic light [ec            Came into my life, I thought I was divine.
            I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go,
            And listen to the music on the radio;
            [echo "And go to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show"]
            A saxophone was playing in a rock 'n roll show.
            You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time.

            Hot patootie, bless my soul,
            I really love that rock 'n roll.
            [echo "sex drugs and rock and roll" or "Serve me on a buttered

            (Sax solo) [when Eddie stomps the floor, "Eat shit, and die"]

            My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled.
            My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt.
            I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt
            And she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine.
            Get back in front, put some hair oil on
            Buddy Holly was singing his very last song.
            With your arms around your girl you'd try to sing along.
            It felt pretty good. Woo! you really had a good time.

            Hot patootie, bless my soul,
            I really love that rock 'n roll.
             (... for a total of twelve times)

            [when Transylvannians appear, say in time with music: "Step
            Step Step Kick, Step step step kick, step kick, step kick,
            kick, kick, kick, kick"]

            [Say "LOVE" and "HATE" when you see them on his knuckles, then
            "Sex is somewhere in between."]

            (Frank attacks Eddie with an ice pick) [Scream]
            ["That's no way to pick your friends!" or
            "You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you
            can't pick your friend's nose."]

            ["What's the score and make it cute"]
Frank:      One from the vaults. (chuckles)
            ["A greaser from the freezer, like a bat out of hell"]

            ["Give those used rubbers to Magenta, she knows what to do
            with them - turn them inside out and use them again" as Frank
            gives the bloody gloves to her]

Rocky:      Ugh...

Frank:      Oh baby... ["Baby what, baby gorilla?"] ... ["I'm upset",
            "what do you say to an upset monster?"] Don't be upset...
            ["What sort of a killing was it?"]
            It was a mercy killing... ["mercy mercy mercy"]
            He had a certain naive charm,
            but no muscle ["Show us some muscle!"]
            (Rocky flexes a bicep) ["Wrong muscle!"]

            I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN (part II)

Frank:      But a deltoid and a bicep.
            ["What did you have for breakfast?"]
            A hot groin and a tricep.
            Makes me, ohhh [echo "Wanna fuck a midget"] shake,
            Makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the
            ...ha-ha-hand. [echo "Balls!"]

Frank & Transylvanians: In just seven days I can make you a man.

            ["Step, kick" with the movie]
Frank:      I don't want no dissension, just dynamic tension.

Janet:      I'm a muscle fan. [echo "I'm a crusty tramp"]

Frank:      In just seven days, I can make you a man
            Dig it if you can
            In just seven days, I can make you a man.

            (Frank and Rocky's WEDDING MARCH)

Transylvanians: Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!  Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!
            Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!
            [throw Confetti]

            ["Assume the position!" when Frank jumps Rocky]

            ["I say that life is an illusion."..."I say it's a figment of
            the imagination!"]

Narrator:   There are those that say that life is an illusion
            ["like your neck"] and that reality is but a figment of the
            imagination. ["Like your neck"] If this is so, then Brad and
            Janet are quite safe ["unlike your neck"],
            ... however ["there's always a however"], the sudden
            departure of their host ["and his neck"] ...and his creation
            ["and his neck"]...into the seclusion of his somber bridal suite
            [echo "Sweet" up high] had left them feeling both ["neckless"]
            apprehensive and a feeling which grew ["unlike your fucking
            neck"] as the other guests departed ["with their necks"], and
            they were shown to their separate rooms ["with their separate
            necks"] rooms.

            (Janet and Brad are shown to their rooms by Riff Raff and
            ["Pink is for Sluts... watch out for the basin..."]
            [when monitor focuses, say "I want my Slut TV!"]
            [sing "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're
            awake. He knows if you've been fucking, and when you masturbate"]
            ["Sit down, bitch.  I said SIT DOWN!"]  (Janet sits.)

            (Brad enters room)
            ["Same room, different color, cheap movie. Blue is for assholes"]


            [When Frank enters chant "Never wonder, never fear, Frank the
            Wonder Fuck is here!  Be it thick or be it thin, Vaseline will
            get it in!  Two-Four-Six-Eight, Frankie's Fucks are always
            great!  Yeah Frankie!!!]

Janet:      Uhh! Who is it? Who's there?

Frank (Brad): It's only me, Janet.

Janet:      Oh, Brad darling, come in.
            ["And out, and in, and out..."]
            Oh! Brad Oh oh oh...  Yes, my darling...but what if...

Frank (Brad): It's all right, Janet, everything's going
            to be alright.
            ["Don't fuck with the hair"]

Janet:      Oh, I hope so, my darling.  Oh...Ah...ahh OHHH! Oh it's you!
            ["We told you not to fuck with the hair!"]

Frank:      I'm afraid so, Janet, but isn't it nice...
            ["No, it's Weiss"]

Janet:      Oh, you beast, you monster...Oh what have you done with Brad?

Frank:      ["Nothing yet - he's saving the best for last."]  Oh, well,
            nothing.  Why, do you think I should?

Janet:      You tricked me...I wouldn't have...I've never..never...
            ["What about the football team?  What about the football?  What
            about the GOAL POST?  What about the BUS???  They never DID find
            the bus!!!"]

Frank:      Yes, yes I know, but it isn't all bad, is it?  ["It isn't all
            Brad either!"] I think you really found it quite pleasurable.

Janet:      Oh, stop...I mean help...Brad Brad!..Oh Brad!!
            ["He's not down there!  He's never been down there."]

Frank:      Shhh. Brad's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you

Janet:      Like how??! Oh, it's your're to blame
            ["No, Sue's to blame!"]..Oh...I was saving myself...

            ["For what, a rainy day?  Look outside, bitch, it's pouring!"]

Frank:      Yes, but I'm sure you're not SPENT yet...
            ["Spend her!  Spend her!  Give me the change!"]

Janet:      Promise you won't tell Brad?

Frank:      Cross my heart and hope to die...
            ["Stick a dildo in my eye!"]

            (scene with Riff & Magenta, Magenta with a mop)
            [sing "I'm so glad we've had this time together, Hey sis, I got
            an idea.  I'll fuck with the mop handle and you go fuck with the
            monster.  No, I got a better idea, I'll stay here and fuck with
            the mop  handle, you go fuck with the monster ... here, take this
            rag you'll need it more than I will"]

            (Riff walks over to Rocky)
            ["He may be my brother but I just LOVE THAT ASS!!!]
            ["Muscle twitch, please!  Thank you."]
            [sing "Rocky takes it up the ass, doo-dah, doo-dah"]
            [add "Riff Raff does it twice as fast, oh doo-day-day"]

            ["Servants entrance in the rear", answer "That's why they call
            him the butler"]

            (Riff grabs the candelabra) ["It's Liberace's dildo!"]
            ["I know what you're thinking Riff but it JUST WON'T FIT!"]

            (Riff Raff scares Rocky with a candelabra)

            (Rocky climbs down the elevator shaft)
            ["Shit, where's the bathroom?"]
            (Riff throws a candle down after him)
            ["No, I wanted a BUD LIGHT!"]
            (Riff approaches Magenta)
            [chant "Elbow Sex!" until they have it]
            ["Magenta's so tight, she squeaks!  Give her a hicky, not a
            blood transfusion!"]

            (scene change to Brad's room)

            [optional: Never wonder, never fear, etc.]

Frank (Janet): Oh, Brad darling, it's no good here.  He'll destroy us.

Brad:       Don't worry Janet, we'll be away from here in the morning.

Frank (Janet): Oh, Brad you're so strong and protective.
            ["Don't fuck with the hair"]

Brad:       Ah, ah, ah, oh YOU!

Frank:      I'm afraid so, Brad, but isn't it nice...

Brad:       Why YOU!  what have you done with Janet? ["Fucked the shit out of

Frank:      Nothing.  Why?  Do you think I should?

Brad:       You tricked me, I wouldn't have...never never...never...

Frank:      Oh Yes yes, I know...but it isn't all bad, is it?
            Not even half bad, I think you really quite
            enjoyed it.

            (Brad starts moaning)

Frank:      Oh... so soft...

Brad:       Stop it...stop it...oh Janet...JANET!
            ["She's not down there!  She's never been down there."]

Frank:      Shhh! Janet's probably asleep by now, do you want her to see

Brad:       Like this, like how? It's your fault, you're to blame,
            I thought it was the real thing!

            [Watch the screen, then exclaim "Brad's got a tit on his back!"]

Frank:      Oh come on, Brad, admit it, you liked it, didn't you? There's no
            crime in giving yourself over to pleasure.
            We've wasted so much time already. Janet needn't know, I won't

Brad:       Well, promise you won't tell...

Frank:      ["Where did you last have sex?"]
            On my mother's gra.oouuuuuu... ["Don't talk with your mouth


Riff Raff:  Master, Rocky has broken his chains and vanished. ["POOF"]  The
            new playmate is loose and somewhere in the castle grounds...
            [echo "coffee grounds"]  Magenta has just released ["her
            sisters"] the dogs...

Frank:      Mmmmm? coming! ["So's Brad!"]

Janet:      What's happening here? ["Switch"]  Where's Brad? ["Switch"]
            Where's anybody?

Janet:      Oh, Brad. ["oh shit"] Brad, my darling, ["Janet my slut"]
            how could I have done this to you?  Oh!
            Oh, if only we hadn't made this journey...
            ["But you did!"] if only the car hadn't broken down...
            ["but it did!"] if only we were amongst friends ["But you're
            not!"] Or sane persons, oh Brad ["oh shit"]
            Oh Brad ["Get butch, bitch!"] what have they done with him...
               (she sees him on TV with Frank)
            Oh, Brad, Oh Brad-How could you? ["Yes, Janet, Brad smokes"]
            (she fondles the handle) ["Fifty Ways to Love Your Lever"]

            (Rocky emits moans and general cries of pain)
            ["Leave him alone, he's monster bating"]

            (Rocky gets up) ["Who said masturbation wasn't a dirty

Janet:      Oh, but you are hurt...Did they do this to you? ["No, I did it to
            myself and it hurt so good!"] I'll dress your wounds...
            ["He's got more hurt than you've got skirt!" or "If that's a
            band-aid, I want a body cast! ... I want a three piece suit!"]
            baby there...let me make it all better.

            [as Rocky smiles, say "Hey lady, my name's Rocky Horror ...
            Wanna Fuck?"  Then say to Janet "So Janet, do ya wanna fuck
            Rocky, or the Audience ... Rocky, the Audience, YEAH the
            audience!!!" follow eyes on that part]

Narrator:   Emotion, agitation or disturbance of the mind...Vehement or
            excited mental state. ["And you can only read about it,
            shit-lips] It is also a powerful and irrational master
            and from what Magenta and Columbia eagerly viewed on their
            television monitor there seemed little doubt
            that Janet was, indeed ["Rocky's Horror"], ... its slave.

Magenta and Columbia: Tell us about it, Janet.


Janet:      I was feeling done in, ["and out, and in..."] couldn't win.
            I'd only ever kissed before.

Columbia:   You mean she...["A fucking virgin?"]

Magenta:    Uh huh

Janet:      I thought there's no use getting ["Laid!"]
            Into heavy petting
            It only leads to trouble
            And seat wetting.
            [stand up, look at your seat, "oh shit, my seat's wet."...
            "So why'd you sit there?"]
            Now all I want to know is how to go. ["How to blow"]
            I've tasted blood [echo "cum"] and I want more.

Magenta and Columbia: More ["less"], more ["less"], more ["less"]

Janet:      I'll put up no resistance
            I want to go the distance [echo "fuck your distance"]
            I've got an itch to scratch [echo "itchy snatch"]
            I need assistance. [echo "six inches"]

            Toucha toucha toucha touch me
            I want to be dirty
            Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me
            Creature of the night.

            [echo "Fuck-a Fuck-a Fuck-a Fuck-me!
            I wanna be sticky
            Eat me, beat me, mistreat me...]

            [when Rocky goes between Janet's legs: "This looks like a good
            place for a stick up... or a stick in" or
            "Something smells fishy here."]

            Then if anything grows ["and it will"], while you pose,
            I'll oil you up and rub [echo "suck"] you down.

Magenta and Columbia: ["up"] Down, ["up"] down, ["up"] down. ["up"]

Janet:      And that's just one small fraction
            of the main attraction [echo "Rocky's erection"]
            You need a friendly hand - I need action.

            Toucha toucha toucha touch me
            I want to be dirty
            Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me
            Creature of the night.

            [make noisy rubbing sounds with balloons here]

Columbia:   Toucha toucha toucha touch me
Magenta:    I want to be dirty.
Columbia:   Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me,
Magenta:    Creature of the night.

Janet:      Toucha toucha toucha touch me, oh, I want to be dirty
            Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me, creature of the night.

            ["switch" repeat, after each character sings his line]
Rocky:      Creature of the night
Brad:       Creature of the night?
Frank:      Creature of the night.
Magenta:    Creature of the night.
Riff Raff:  Creature of the night.
Columbia:   Creature of the night. ["scream"]
Rocky:      Creature of the night.
Janet:      Creature of the night.

            (scene change, Riff being whipped)

Riff Raff:  Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!  ["Say thank you in French!"]
            Merrrrrcy! (being whipped by Frank)

Frank:      How did it happen?  ["Beats me!"]  I understood you were to be

Riff Raff:  I was only away for a minute...["doing what?"] master ["bating"]

Frank:      Well, see if you can find him on the monitor.

            ["Frank, Show us your backhand" (shows it) "Needs work!"]
            [(Brad looks upset. "He never beats me like that!"]

Riff Raff:  Master, master...we have a visitor.
            ["It's Mary Poppins taking a shit"]
            ["No, it's R2-Fuck you"]

Brad:       ["What does Captain Kirk say when he wants a blowjob?"] Hey,
            Scotty! ["suck my cocky/twatty"]
            Dr. Everett Scott. ["suck my cock/twat" repeat as needed]

Riff Raff:  You know this earthling ...this person?

Brad:       Why yes.  He happens to be an old friend [echo "fuck"] of mine.

Frank:      ["What's your favorite fruit drink?"]  I see.  ["Mine's
            Kool-Aid"] So this wasn't simply a chance meeting.
            ["No, it was a date"]  You came here
            with a purpose. [echo "on a porpoise"]

Brad:       I told you, my car broke down.  I was telling the truth.
            ["Assholes don't lie, they just give you a lot of shit"]

Frank:      I know what you told me...but this Dr. Everett Scott, his name
            is not unknown to me.

Brad:       He was a science teacher at Denton High School.

            [When Frank takes a drag off his cigarette say "Take a drag,
            Queen ... fags don't exhale"]
Frank:      And now he works for your government, doesn't he, Brad?  He's
            attached to the bureau of investigation of that which you call
            UFO's [echo "F-A-G's"] Isn't that right, Brad?
            ["I paid six dollars for this fucking movie, and I want to see
            Brad's nipple!  Thank you..."]

Brad:       He might be...I don't know.

Riff Raff:  The intruder is entering the building, master.
            ["intruders usually do"]

Frank:      ["Where will he be?"]  He'll probably be in... ["The men's
            room?"] in the Zen room. ["Oh shit, roaches!"]

            Shall we inquire of him in person?
            ["Not the triple-power faggot magnet!"]

            [sing "Ring around the lesbians" as he circles Magenta and
            Columbia "Fucking tourists"]
            ["Hey, Kool-aid!"]

Brad:       Great Scott! ["Suck my cock"]

Dr. Scott:  Frank-N-Furter, we meet at last. ["No, we meet at first"]

Brad:       Dr. Scott! ["Suck my cock"]

Dr. Scott:  Brad! What are you doing here? ["Oh, just fucking around."]

Frank:      Don't play games, Dr. Scott.  You know perfectly well what
            Brad Majors is doing here.  [where appropriate: "One, two,
            three, BREAK"] It was part of your plan, was it not?
            That he and his female should check the layout for you.
            ["and get laid out"] Well, unfortunately for you all, the
            plans are to be changed. ["like the sheets I hope!"]  You
            must be adaptable, Dr. Scott ["who here is circumcised?"]
            I know Brad is. ["Suck and tell"]

Dr. Scott:  I can assure you that Brad's presence here comes as a complete
            surprise to me.
            I came here to find Eddie. [echo "Dinner"]

Brad:       Eddie!  I've seen him!

Frank:      Eddie!  What do you know of Eddie, Dr. Scott?

            ["Get snotty, Scotty!"]
Dr. Scott:  I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things.  You see
            Eddie happens to be my ["sex life"] nephew.

               (Frank gasps)

            ["Go limp Dr. Scott" as Frank turns off the magnet]

Brad:       Dr. Scott. ["Mouseketeer roll call sound off now!"]

Janet:      Ah!

            [echo all following lines]

Dr. Scott:  Janet!

Janet:      Dr. Scott!

Brad:       Janet!

Janet:      Brad!

Frank:      Rocky!  ["Ugh!"]

               (Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)

Dr. Scott:  Janet!

Janet:      Dr. Scott!

Brad:       Janet!

Janet:      Brad!

Frank:      Rocky!  ["Ugh!"]

               (Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)

Dr. Scott:  Janet!

Janet:      Dr. Scott!

Brad:       Janet!

Janet:      Brad!

Frank:      Rocky!  ["Ugh!"]

               (Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)

            [if the theatre did it in unison, clap and cheer]

Frank:      Listen...I made you...["but can you break
            him?"] and I can break you just as easily. (to Rocky)

            ["Welcome to the gong show!"]

Magenta:    (GONG) Master, dinner is prepared!

            ["How does my cum taste?"]
Frank:      Excellent.  [When they show Magenta "Hurry up, this thing's
            heavy!"]  Under the circumstances, formal dress
            is to be optional.

            ["Toga! Toga! Toga!"]

Narrator:   Food has always played a vital role in Life's rituals.
            The breaking of the bread, the last meal of the condemned man,
            and then this meal.  However informal it might appear, you can
            be sure that there was to be little, bon-ami.

            (Dinner is served, the clatter of dishes is heard)
            ["Someone get Dr. Scott a fork, he's only got SEVEN!  No, he's
            got EIGHT, one's up his ass!"]

            [As Magenta enters "There's the hostess, where's the Twinkie,
            oh, he's in back playing with his ding dong"]
            ["For dinner it's delicious, nutricious..."]
                        (Riff opens the lid)
                        (The dinner is shown)
            ["And Madonna's clitoris"]

            ["It slices, it dices, it even circumcises!  It's the
            handy dandy Black & Decker Pecker Wrecker!"]
                        (Frank slices it with the slicer)
            [scream as he slices]
            ["All sliced up and no place to go, woo! (clap)"]
                        (Riff and Magenta pour the wine)
            ["Why is Rocky drinking out of a specimen jar?  Because he's
            [When Frank scolds Rocky say "Excuse the fuck out of me!"]
            [as they get to Dr Scott: "What kind of wine is it?"]
            [as it spills: "Must be table wine"]
            [as Riff "deals" the meat: "Hey Riff! deal me a slice" "He sure
            knows how to sling his meat!"] ["Hey Rocky, eat like a civilized
            Marine!" "Use a fork!"]

Frank:      A toast [throw TOAST] absent friends...

All:        To absent friends.

Frank:      and to Rocky.

            ["Hey, let's all put on stupid hats and act like assholes" when
            they show Frank with a hat "There's a stupid hat" when they show
            Brad "and there's an asshole!"]

            (singing w/ Janet, et al)
            Happy Birthday to you ["Woo!"] [echo "Fuck you!"]
            Happy Birthday to you ["Woo!"] [echo "Fuck you!"]
            Happy Birthday dear Rocky... (stops)

Janet:      Happy Birthday to you...

Frank:      Shall we?

Dr. Scott:  We came here to discuss Eddie. ["Dinner?"]

Columbia:   Eddie. (Frank threatens her with the slicer)
            ["Shut up bitch, do you wanna be breakfast?"]

Frank:      That's a rather tender subject.
            Another slice anyone?

            ["Brad gets it, Janet gets it, Dr Scott gets it, Rocky doesn't
            get it!"]

            ["Excuse me while I go masturbate with razor blades"]
Columbia:   Excuse me (Scream on exit)

            ["What's the matter Columbia, you've eaten Eddie before?",
            as Frank pours the ketchup: "Yeah, but never with ketchup"]

Dr. Scott:  I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was worse than I
            imagined...Aliens! ["Who the fuck are YOU talking to?", answer
            "Who the fuck are WE talking to?"]

Rocky:      Ugh?

Brad:       Doctor Scott! ["Suck my cock/twat"]

Frank:      Go on, Dr. Scott.  ["Suck it!"] Or should I say, Dr. Von Scott.

            [stand up and put out your arm to say "Seig heil!"]

Brad:       Just what exactly are you implying?

Dr. Scott:  It's all right!

Brad:       Doctor Scott!

Scott:      It's all right, Brad.

            EDDIE'S TEDDY

            ["How long has he been gay?"]
            From the day he was born ["Not the night, but the day"]
            He was trouble.
            ["Not bass but treble"]
            He was the thorn ["Not the rose but the thorn"]
            In his mother's side. ["Not the back, but the side"]

            She tried in vain
            [echo "She tried cocaine, in the artery and the vein"]

Narrator:   ...but he never caused her nothing but shame.
            ["Shame shame shame" with finger motion]

Scott:      He [clap] left [clap] home [clap] the day she died.
            ["It's Rockin' Scott!"]
            From the day she was gone ["Bop shebop bop"]
            All he wanted ["Was Dr. Scott's cock"]
            Was Rock 'n' Roll porn  ["oooo weee eeee oooo"]
            And a motorbike. ["oooo weee eeee oooo"]
            Shooting up junk... ["gimme drugs, gimme drugs"]

Narrator:   ["He was a low down cheap little punk! ["Yay Punks!"]

Scott:      Taking everyone for a ride.

            ["sit up straight!"]
All:        When Eddie said he didn't like [echo "Fuck"] his Teddy
            You knew he was a no-good [echo "Hard up"] kid. [clap clap]
            But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife
            [echo "with a dick this size"]

Frank:      What a guy! [echo "What a fag"]

Janet:      Makes you cry. [echo "Makes you gag"]

Scott:      Und I did. [echo "And I did"]

Columbia:   Everybody shoved him.
            I very nearly loved him.
            I said, hey, listen to me
            Stay sane inside insanity!
            But he locked the door and threw away the key.
            [echo "Everybody shoved him, I very nearly loved him, I said
            Hey slip into me, stay hard, stay hard inside of me, but he
            pulled it out and came all over me"]

Scott:      But he must have been drawn
            ["Not sketched but drawn"]
            Into something,
            ["What the fuck's a somesing?"]
            Making him warn
            ["Not you but"]
            Me in a note that reads...

All:        What's it say?  What's it say?

Eddie's voice: I'm out of my hed. ["Spelled H - E - D"]
            Oh, hurry, or I may be dead. ["Spelled right!"]
            They mustn't carry out their evil deeds. ["Scream!"]   (scream)
            [echo "They mustn't go and smoke their evil weed"]

All:        When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy
            You knew he was a no-good kid. [clap clap]
            But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife

Frank:      What a guy! [echo "What a fag"]

Janet:      Makes you cry. [echo "Makes you gag"]

Scott:      Und I did. [echo "and I did"]

All:        When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy
            You knew he was a no-good kid. [clap clap]
            But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife
            [echo "Ball point pen" over "switch-blade knife"]

Frank:      What a guy! ["What does Santa Claus say?"]

Others:     Ho, ho, ho

Janet:      Makes you cry. ["What does Fat Albert say?"]

Others:     Hey, hey, hey.

            ["Who farted???"]

Scott:      Und I did. ["What the fuck is an und?"]

            ["If I told you once, I've told you a million times, I HATE

            (All scream)

Frank:      Rocky!  How could you? (slaps Janet) ["The pantyhose were ripped!"]

           (general mayhem as Frank chases Janet.  Riff and Magenta laugh,
            until Riff suddenly says "Shut up!" [which the audience echoes])

            WISE UP

            I'll tell you once; I won't tell you twice. [hiss on every "ice"]
            You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss.
            Your apple pie don't taste too nice.
            You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss.

            I've laid the seed; it should be all you need.
            You're as sensual as a pencil,
            wound up like an E or first string.
            When we made it, didja hear a bell ring? [ring BELL]

            Ya gotta block?  Well, take my advice.
            You better wise up, Janet Weiss.
            The transducer will seduce ya.

Janet:      My feet!  I can't move my feet!

Scott:      My wheels!  My God, I can't move my wheels!

Brad:       ["My socks! I can't move my socks!"] It's as if we're glued to
            the spot!

Frank:      You are!  So quake with fear, you tiny fools!

Janet:      We're trapped!

Frank:      (sung)  It's something you'll get used to.  A mental mind fuck
            can be nice.

Scott:      You won't find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine.
            This sonic transducer. It is, I suppose, some kind of audio-
            vibratory-physio-molecular transport device?

Brad:       You mean... ["A vibrator!"]

Scott:      Yes, Brad, it's something we ourselves have been working on
            for quite some time.  ["A working vibrator"]
            But it seems our friend here has found
            a means of perfecting it. ["A perfect vibrator"]
            A device capable of breaking down solid matter
            ["A broken vibrator"] and then projecting it through space and,
            who knows, perhaps even time itself. ["A COSMIC vibrator!"]

Janet:      You mean he's going to send us to another planet?

Frank:      [echo] Planet, shmanet, Janet!
            You better wise up, Janet Weiss.
            You better wise up, build your thighs up,
            You better wise up

Narrator:   [echo] And then she cried out...

            ["For the first time"]

Janet:      Stop!

Frank:      Don't get hot and flustered!
            ["What do you do when you run out of vaseline"]
            Use a bit of mustard.

Brad:       You're a hot dog, ["Up the"] but you better not try to hurt
            [echo "squirt"] her, Frank Furter.
            (Freeze - Brad)

Scott:      You're a hot dog, ["Up the"] but you better not try to hurt
            [echo "squirt"] her, Frank Furter.
            (Freeze - Scott)

Janet:      You're a hot dog -- ["Shut up bitch!"]

            (Freeze - Janet)

            ["Who's Frank-N-Furter?"]
Columbia:   My God!  ["Mine too"] I can't stand any more of this! ["So
            siddown!"]  First you spurn me for Eddie, ["spurn spurn spurn"]
            and then you throw him off like an old overcoat for Rocky!
            You chew people up and then you spit them out again.
            ["Tastes better that way"] I loved you..["WHAT?"]
            did you hear me? I loved you!  And what did it get me?
            Yeah, I'll tell you: a big nothing.  ["At least
            it was a big nothing"] You're like a sponge.  You take, take,
            take, and drain others of their love and emotion.  [echo "You
            suck, suck, suck, and drain others of their cum and erections"]
            ["Peek a boo!"] Yeah, well, I've had enough.  You're gonna choose
            between me and Rocky, so named because of the rocks in his head.
            ["Oh shit, what a bitch, quick Magenta, hit the switch"]

            (freeze - Columbia)

            ["Hefty lefty, lighty righty", "Now we know which side
            Eddy slept on.", "Some like 'em big, some like 'em small,
            but Columbia aims to please them all"]

Frank:      It's not easy having a good time... ["Try Disneyland on acid!"]
            (freeze Rocky) ["Yeah, him too."]
            ...even smiling makes my face ache ["So bite your knuckle and go
            talk to a wall", sing "I see a Red wall, and I want to paint it
            black!" ... "Eargasm!"..."What's your favorite soap opera?"]
            ...all my children turn on me... Rocky's behaving just the way
            Eddie did...Do you think I made a mistake splitting his brain
            between the two of them?

Magenta:    Ahhhh!  I grow veary of this vorld!
            Vhen shall ve return to Transylvania, huh?
            ["huh? huh? huh?  Stayin' Alive, stayin' alive"]
            [as Riff turns Magenta towords him: "She's going, she's

Frank:      Magenta, I am indeed grateful to both you and your brother
            Riff Raff.  You have both served me well.  Loyalty such as yours
            shall not go unrewarded.  You will discover that when the mood
            takes me, I can be quite generous.

            ["She's gone!"]

Magenta:    I ask for nothing...nothing. ["under twelve inches"]

Frank:      And you shall receive abundance!
            ["Frank, what do you put on corn flakes?"] Come, ["It's not
            just for breakfast anymore!"] we are ready for the floor show!
            ["Everybody look under your seats, Magenta lost her eyeballs
            [chant "elbow sex" until they have it.]
            [That's statutory rape!  Isn't it marble-ous?]
            ["Poor Dr. Scott - he's always getting fucked over."]
            ["There's a little black spot on Janet's arm today, it's the
            same old spot as last Saturday"]

            [make hands farts]
Narrator:   And so, by some extraordinary co-incidence, fate, it seemed,
            had decided that Brad and Janet should keep that appointment
            with their friend, Dr. Everett Scott.  But it was to be in a
            situation which none of them would have possibly forseen.
            And, just a few hours after announcing their engagement,
            Brad and Janet had both tasted ["Frank's cock/cum"]
            ...forbidden fruit.  ["Same thing!"] This in itself was proof
            that their host was a man of of little morals ["Yay little
            morals"]...and some persuasion. ["Yay some persuasion"]  What
            further indignities were they to be subjected to?
            ["Anal sex without lubrication"]
            And what of the floor show that is spoken of?
            ["Where do you masturbate?"] In an empty house?
            ["When do you masturbate?"] In the middle of the night?
            ["Rates are cheaper!"]  What diabolical plan had seized
            Frank's crazed imagination?  ["The same one that seized
            your fucking neck."]  What indeed?  From what had gone
            before, it was clear that this was to be ["Can we have a
            picnic?"] no picnic. ["Aw!" (dejectedly), "and I brought
            the ants."]

            A. FLOOR SHOW part I

            ROSE TINT MY WORLD

            (Frank is running around making preparations while the others are
             frozen on the stage.) ["See what happens when you don't
            (Frank turns on the lights)
            ["Samurai electrician!"]

            (unfreeze Columbia)
Columbia:   It was great when it all began. ["Hip hip"]
            I was a regular Frankie fan. [echo "Lesbian"]
            But it was over when he had the plan
            To start a-working on a muscle man.
            Now the only thing that gives me hope ["Is smoking dope"]
            Is my love of a certain dope.
            Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

            (Unfreeze - Rocky)

Rocky:      I'm just seven hours old, ["And can't dance"]
            And truly beautiful to behold. ["Still can't dance"]
            And somebody should be told ["I can't sing"]
            My libido hasn't been controlled.
            Now the only thing I've come to trust ["Is Janet's bust"]
            Is an orgasmic rush of lust. ["same thing"]
            Rose tints my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

            (Unfreeze - Brad)

Brad:       It's beyond me;
            ["Brad, what do you say when you masturbate?"] help me Mommy!
            I'll be good; you'll see.
            Take this dream away.
            What's this?  ["the floor"] Let's see, ["That's your leg."]
            I feel sexy!
            What's come over me? ["Frank"]
            Wo!  Here it comes again.

            (unfreeze - Janet)

Janet:      I feel released; [echo "real cheap"]  bad times decease.
            My confidence has increased; reality is here.
            The game has been disbanded; my mind has been expanded.
            It's a gas that [echo "Show us where"] Frankie's landed!

            His lust is so sincere.
            ["Oh shit, now we've all got aids!"]

            FLOOR SHOW part II

            (Fanfare and RKO logo appears)
            ["What the fuck is a radio picture?"]
            [answer: "It's a picture of a radio, what else?" or "MTV"]

            DON'T DREAM IT

Frank:      Whatever happened to Fay Wray?
            ["She got fucked by a forty-eight foot dick"]
            That delicate, satin-draped frame?
            As it clung to her thigh
            ["Like a homesick abortion"]
            How I started to cry
            ["You'd cry too if it tried to crawl back in"]
            'cause I wanted to be dressed just the same.
            [echo "Like a chicken"]
            ["This movie is so great, even the stage has a hard on!"]
            Give yourself over to absolute pleasure.
            Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh.
            Erotic nightmares, ["how long is your dick?"] beyond any measure
            And sensual daydreams ["what are used condoms for?"]
            to treasure forever. ["Can I suck your dick?"]
            Can't you just see it?  Oh, oh, oh.

            ["Look it's a Honey Nut Queerio"] ["Rub a dub dub, there's
            a fag in my tub"]
            ["I didn't know Michelangelo did pools"]

            Don't dream it, be it. (four times)
            ["Watch out for falling cameramen!"]
            ["No wonder the Titanic sank, it was a FAIRY boat!  No, it's
            because Frank sucked all the sea-men out of it!"]

All:        Don't dream it, be it. (twelve times)

            ["Use the force!"]
            (Unfreeze - Scott.  In on sixth time)

Scott:      Ach! ["Choo"] We've got to get ["the fuck"] out of this trap
            ["and into that pool"] before this
            decadence ["Yay decadence!"]
            saps our wills.  I've got to be strong, ["like a good condom"]
            and try to hang on ["like a good condom"], or else my mind may
            well snap ["Like a bad condom"] and my life will be lived
            ...for the thrills!

Brad:       It's beyond me;  help me Mommy! ["Shut him up, Columbia!"]

            ["Hey Frank, how does Janet smell?" (watch screen)]

Janet:      God bless Lilly St. Cyr.

            FLOOR SHOW part III

            ["Frank, whose pool is this and tell us thirteen times"]
Frank:      My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my...y!
            I'm a wild and an untamed thing.
            I'm a bee with a deadly sting.
            You get a hit and your mind goes ping.
            Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.
            So let the party and the sounds rock on.
            We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.
            Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

            ["One two three four"]

All:        We're a wild and an untamed thing.
            We're a bee with a deadly sting.
            You get a hit and your mind goes ping.
            Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.
            So let the party and the sounds rock on.
            We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.
            Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

            We're a wild and an untamed thing.
            We're a bee with a deadly sting.
            You get a hit and your mind goes ping.
            Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.
            So let the party and the sounds rock on.
            We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.
            Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

Riff Raff:  Frank N Furter, it's all over.
            Your mission is a failure;
            Your lifestyle's too extreme.
            I'm your new commander; ["I just fucked my sister"]
            You now are my prisoner. ["Wanna smell my finger"]
            We return to Transylvania.
            Prepare the transit beam. [echo "So bitch go start the car!"]

Frank:      ["Sit on my face and I will guess your..."]
            Wait!  ["What did you say when you were caught fucking the
            neighbor's dog"] I can explain!
            ["It better be good - you got shot last week"]
            ["You get the lights, you get the switches, I'll stay here
            and get my shit together" ... "I got the lights" ... "I got
            the switches all by myself" ... "and I still haven't got my
            shit together"]

            I'M GOING HOME
            ["And now, for one night, and one night only, Alfalfa's shadow!"]

            ["When did you become gay"]
Frank:      On the day I went away...

All:        Goodbye... [echo "big fucking deal"]

Frank:      Was all I had to say...

All:        Now I... [echo "Who fucking cares"]

Frank:      I want to come again, ["and again"] and stay. ["hard"]

All:        Oh, my, my...

            ["What does Janet's twat do vertically?"]
Frank:      Smile, and that will mean I may. [echo "I'm gay"]
            'cause I've seen, oh, blue skies
            Through the tears in my eyes
            And I realize, ["I look like Greg Brady in drag"] I'm going home.
            [echo "I'm fucking stoned"]

All:        I'm going home.

            (Magenta yawns)

            ["Where do you masturbate (fuck)?"]

Frank:      Everywhere ["How's it been?"] it's been the same...

All:        ...feeling...
            ["What's it like when Brad cums in your face?"]

Frank: I'm outside in the rain...

All:        ...wheeling...
            ["How much do you charge for a blow job?"]

Frank: ["I'll take two please"] to try and find a game...

All:        ...dealing...

            ["What kind of cards does Hallmark sell?"]

Frank: for sorrow, cards for pain. ["deal me in" throw CARDS]
            'cause I've seen, oh, blue skies
            Through the tears in my eyes
            And I realize, I'm going home.
            [echo "I'm fucking stoned"]

Frank & All: I'm going home. (3 times)

            (applause, then audience disappears)

Magenta:    How sentimental. ["Sentimental bitch!"]

            ["Hey look, it's a sold out Tiffany concert, I think she's alone

Riff Raff:  And also presumptuous of you. ["F"] You see ["K"], when I said WE
            were to return to Transylvania, ["I was speaking French"]
            I referred only to Magenta ["Who's Magenter?"] and myself.
            I'm sorry, however, if you found my words misleading, but
            you see, you are to remain here, in spirit, anyway.

Scott:      Great heavens!  That's a laser!

            ["No it's a three three prong dildo with a butt scratcher" or
            "No it's a dildo for Charlie's Angels with an attachment for

Riff Raff:  Yes, Dr. Scott.  A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure
            anti-matter. ["Doesn't matter anyway"]

Brad:       You're going to kill him?  What's his crime?

Scott:      You saw what became of Eddie.  Society must be protected.
            ["Fuck society!"]

Riff Raff:  Exactly, Dr. Scott.  And now, Frank N Furter, your time has
            come.  Say goodbye to all of this, ["Goodbye, all of this"]
            and hello ["Hello"] to oblivion.
            ["Hi, oblivion. How's the wife and kids?"]
            ["A blink of the eye, a twitch of the lips, the first one to
            scream gets it right between the tits!"]
            (Columbia screams - gets zapped)
            ["Oh shit, it works!"]

            (Frank tries to escape by climbing the curtain)

            (Frank screams - gets zapped, falls)
            ["I paid six bucks, I wanna see some rope!  Thank you!"]
            (Rocky stumbles to Frank's body)
            (He cradles the body)

            (Rocky moans over Frank's body -
            gets zap, zap, zap, zapped as he climbs the RKO set ["Chest of
            steel!  Shoulder of steel!  Back of steel!  Armpit of
            steel!"] - falls to his death into the pool)

Janet:      Oh!  You killed them!

Magenta:    But I thought you liked them.  They liked you.

            ["Get paranoid, Riff!"]
Riff Raff:  They didn't like me!  ["Get REAL paranoid, Riff!"]
            He never liked ME! ["Maybe because you yell so much"]

Scott:      You did right.

            ["Slowly I turn, step by step, inch by inch, millimeter by

Riff Raff:  A decision had to be made. ["And I made it."]

Scott:      You're O.K. by me.

            ["We are not amused, we are Devo"]

Riff Raff:  Dr. Scott, I'm sorry about your ["sex life"] nephew.
            ["same thing"]

Scott:      Eddie? ["No, Penelope!"]
            Yes, well, perhaps it was all for the best, heh, heh, heh.

Riff:       You should leave now, Dr. Scott, while it is still possible.
            We are about to beam the entire house to the planet Transexual,
            in the galaxy of Transylvania.  Go... ["Apocalypse"] Now.

            [sing "Roll out the cripple, and we'll have a cripple of fun"]

            Our mission is completed, my most ["ugly Q-tip"] beautiful
            sister, and soon we shall return to the moon-drenched shores of
            our ["desolate"] beloved planet.

            [Everybody start singing "Memories" as loud as you can"]

Magenta:    Ah - Sweet Transexual, land of night, to sing and dance once
            more to your dark take that step to the right...

Riff:       But it's the pelvic thrust

                 (Time Warp flashback)
Magenta:    In our world, we'll do the Time Warp again!

             (castle blasts off)

            [Everbody stands up and waves both arms to the beat of the music]

                    SUPER HEROES
Brad:       I've done a lot
            ["Brad, do you masturbate?"]
            God knows I've tried
            To find the truth
            I've even lied
            But all I know
            Is down inside

All:        I'm bleeding

            [Everybody uses just one hand, sways one way, then pretends to
            beat a drum the other way, with the beat of the music]

Janet:      And super heroes
            Come to feast
            ["Why do you give blowjobs?"]
            To taste the flesh
            Not yet deceased
            And all I know
            Is still the beast

All:        Is feeding

            [go up to screen and start "spinning" it.  When globe
            appears, switch directions. When Narrator stops globe, fall down]

Narrator:   And crawling on the planet's face ["What did you have for
            breakfast?"] Some insects ["what're they called?"] called the
            human race...["Oh shit, that's us!"]
            ["Where's your fucking neck?"]  Lost in time
            ["What's your favorite TV show?"] And lost in space
            ["What does this movie lack?"]  And meaning.
            ["Don't forget to turn off the globe"]
            ["One more time for the virgins"]
All:        Meaning. ["You forgot to turn off the globe"]

            Science fiction - double feature
            Frank has built and lost his creature.
            Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet
            The servants gone to a distant planet.
            Oh oh oh oh oh
            At the late night double feature, picture show
            I want to go - oh oh
            To the late night double feature, picture show.

            *** END ***