General info:

        Audience instructions are in square brackets.  Text in caps is

to be shouted.  The instruction 'Echo' indicates that the line following

is to be shouted in unison with the film.


        All audience lines are adapted from a script I obtained from some

chyck at Drew University in Madison NJ (Hey, Brad, tell us where Drew

University is!) a couple years ago.  Her lines were from the 8th St.

Playhouse and Eastside cinema, and notably inferior to those I had

learned at the Cedar Lee in Cleveland Heights, Oh.  So, I used the lines

I knew.  The one exception to this is in "Sweet Transvestite:"

        I'll get you a satanic {Echo: Hispanic] mechanic.  [Freddie Prinz!]

        I got this line from a man who was writing a script for an RHPS

sequel to compete with 'Revenge of the Old Queen', who also played one of

the major roles in one of the major stage productions.  Freddie Prinz was

- well, ask someone else if you don't know.  Hint: he worked with Andy Kaufmann

 and now lives with him as well.

        Further note:

        Lily St. Cyr was a semi-famous stripper in the '60s with huge

tracts of land.  She was a friend of Marilyn Monroe.

        Still further note:  The line, "BULLWINKLE!", shouted after Rocky's name,

        is the innovation of yours truly, Thomas R. Schmidt.  I started using

        it in the Cedar Lee in 1989, in Cleveland Heights.  So there.  Numerous

        other lines are also mine, but I feel obligated to point out that one,

        since I've gotten scripts from all over the coutry that include it.

        Still further ego injection:

        After its initial incarnation, digital death, and reincarnation,

this script was heavily revised and amended after I got the role of Rocky at the

Cla-Zel theatre in Bowling Green, Oh.  I just thought you should know that.

        And now...


        [at opening bars of music, "And on the eighth day God made lips.

And there were lips.  And they were good."]

Usherette:  Michael Rennie was ill

            The Day the Earth Stood Still

            But he told us where we stand.

            [on our feet!]

            And Flash Gordon was there

            In {come stained} underwear,

            Claude Rains was the Invisible Man.

            1[how did you know?]

            2[I fucked him!]

            Then something went wrong

            For Fay Wray {fucked} King Kong;

            They got caught in a {sexual} jam. [like 69]

            Then at a deadly pace

            I {came on where?} {Janet's face} [Thank you]

            And this is how the message ran:

            [Freeze lips, turn blue.]


Chorus:     Science fiction,[oooo] double feature [wow wow wow]

            Doctor X [sex, sex, and more sex] will build a creature.

            [yay heroine]

            See androids fighting [and fucking and sucking on...]

            Brad and Janet

            Anne Francis stars in ['Deep Throat', the sequel to...]

            Forbidden Planet

            [yay columbia!  yay gropie!]

            Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

            At the late night, double feature, picture


            1[how do you deliver an 'ex'?]

            2[same way you deliver a baby, call Domino's]

            [chuckie, chuckie he's ok.  he ain't got no fuckin' neck]

            [hey, lips, what do you know and who do you blow?]

Usherette:  I knew Leo G. Carrol

            Was {fucked in} a barrel

            When Tarantula took {LSD} [lick those lips].

            And I really got hot

            When I saw {Janet's twat}

            Fight a {penis} that spits {semen} and {thrills}. [yay thrills]

            Dana Andrews said Prunes [with pits]

            Gave him the {shits}

            And passing them used lots of skills. [yay skills]

            But When Worlds Collide, [they go BOOM!]

            Said George Powell to his bride,

            "I'm gonna give you some {birth control pills},"

         OR "I'm gonna give you some {sexual thrills},"

            Like a... [sex-ray!]

       (these lines are to be shouted at appropriate times during the credits)

            [yay dick!  one more time]

            [yay dick!  one more time]

            [wrong dick.  it's hardly a dick] [suck it anyway]


            [don't cream on clifford!]

            [don't blame sue! everybody blames sue!]

            [does that say denis or penis?]

            [quit pointing at that dick] [somebody grab that roach]

            [if celestia's such a fox, why does it say 'UK' after her name?]

Chorus:     Science fiction, [ooooo] double feature [wow wow wow]

            Doctor X [sex, sex, and more sex] will build a creature.

            See androids fighting [and fucking and sucking on...]

            Brad and Janet

            Anne Francis stars in [Toga!  Toga!]

            Forbidden Planet

            Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

            At the late night, double feature, picture


            I wanna go  [I wanna come!]

            Oh Oh Oh

            To the late night, double feature, picture


            [who's it by?]

            By RKO,

            Oh Oh Oh

            To the late night, double feature, picture


            [Where's the best place to fuck?]

            In the back row,

            Oh Oh Oh

            To the late night, double feature, picture


            [bye, lips!]

            [never trust a smiling cross]

            [what a great movie, even the church gets it up]

            [hey, what time is it? ... oh shit, i'm late!]

            [better late than pregnant]

Dentonian:  Here they come! [and there they go...]

            (Dentonians cheer and throw rice) [rice, rice, baby...]

Photographer: Let's get a picture.  Close together now.  Parents and

            then the grandparents. Yes, all the close family.

            [this family's a bit TOO close...]

            [hey!  you!  the bitch with the hair!  get in the back!]

            Ahhh, hold that.  Beautiful.  And... (snap)

            [smile at your lover!  caught you smiling...]

            [we see you Riff Raff, but the virgins don't]

Photographer: congratulations [ejaculations]

Ralph:      I guess we really did it, huh.

            [hit the man who gave you AIDS]

            [hit him back]

Brad:       I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and Betty have

            been almost inseparable since {the operation}

            [should have used KY instead of super glue]

            [hey!  cameraman!  take a picture of me!  yoo hoo!  hi, mom.]

Ralph:      Well to tell you the truth, Brad, that's the only reason I

            showed up in the first place. (chuckles)

Betty:      O.K. you guys, this is it. (everyone screams)

            [who's got the clap?  (repeat ad nauseum)]

Ralph:      Well Betty's going to throw the bouquet.

Janet:      I got it!  I got it!

            [she ALWAYS gets it]

Ralph:      Hey big fella, [how would you know?]

            looks like it could be your turn next, eh?  [B!]

Brad:       Who knows. [who cares?]

Ralph:      Well, so long, see you Brad. [seeya, sucker]

            [Think about it, asshole, long and hard.  did you change your

            underwear this morning?] [once for yes, twice for no, slap that

            car and make it go!] [that's Ralph's come but it's Betty's


            [What is the theme of this movie?  Be just and fear not!

            be strong and fear nothing!  take acid and fear everything!]

Janet:      Oh Brad, wasn't it wonderful?  [No!]

            Wasn't Betty radiantly beautiful?  [No, she looked like shit]

            I can't believe it.  An hour ago she was just plain old Betty

            {the 'ho}, and now... [she's a slut]

            now she's Mrs. Ralph Hapshatt.

            [Hap-shit, past tense, will travel]

Brad:       Yes Janet, Ralph's a lucky guy. [no he's not, she's go syph!]

Janet:      Yes.

Dentonian:  I always cry at weddings. [and i laugh at funerals!]

            [show me cupid masterbating]

         OR [show me Pee-Wee Herman in the afterlife]

Brad:       Everyone knows that Betty is a wonderful little cook.

            [she cooks like shit and sucks like a vacuum cleaner]

            1[Why is there a billboard in the middle of this graveyard?]

            2[it's never too late to learn to read]

         OR 2[dead people read, too y'know]

Janet:      Yes.

Brad:       Why Ralph himself, he'll be in line for a promotion in a year or two.

            [he's in for a raise tonight]

            1[arrow points at the slut]

            2[she's not a slut yet, give her time]

Janet:      Yes.

            DAMMIT JANET

Brad:       Hey Janet. [sit on my face and wiggle violently!]

Janet:      Yes Brad?

Brad:       I've got something to say. [sing it, asshole, it's a musical!]

Janet:      Uh huh.

Brad:       I really love the... [starts with an 'S' (insert 'S' words here)]

            skillful way [what a fucking genius] ... you beat

            the other girls... [with whips and chains]

            to the bride's bouquet. [and that, too]

            [eat your veggies, bitch]

Janet:      Oh Brad.

Brad:       The river was deep but I swam it. (Janet)

            The future is ours so let's plan it. (Janet)

            So please, don't tell me to can it. (Janet)

            I've one thing to say and that's {fuck off, bitch, i wanna screw}.


            The road was long but I ran it. {backwards!}

            There's a fire in my heart and you fan it. (Janet)

            If there's one fool for you then I am it. (Janet)

            I've one thing to say and that's {only assholes carry chalk}.

            [and only weirdos carry erasers]

      [Background activity for the above verse:  someone taunts Riff Raff

      until he impales them with the pitchfork]

            Here's the ring to prove that I'm no joker. [just an asshole]

            There's three ways that {Janet can go}.

            [up!  down!  sideways!]

            That's {gay, straight, or bisexual}.

            [spell 'slut']

            Oh, J-A-N-E-T I love you so.

            [describe your first orgasm]

Janet:      Oh, it's nicer than Betty Monroe had. (Oh Brad)

            Now we're engaged and I'm so glad (Oh Brad)

            That you {fuck} Mom and you {blow} Dad. (Oh Brad)

            I've one thing to say and that's Brad, {you fag, fuck you, too}.

            [it's the asshole shuffle...]

            {I'm pregnant}

Brad:       Oh... {shit, goddamn, fuck}.

Janet:      {It's triplets}

Brad:       Oh, {shit, goddamn, fuck}.

Janet:      {They're not yours}.

Brad:       {I'm going to sue...}

Brad & Janet: There's one thing left to do - {achoo!}

Brad:       And that's go {fuck the man in the casket}. (Janet)

            [he's in the box!]

            When we met in his science exam - it (Janet)

            [he's still in the box!]

            Made me {pull up your skirt and then cram it.} (Janet)

            Now I've one thing to say and that's {fuck off, bitch, i wanna screw}.

            [It's the asshole waltz!]

            Dammit, Janet.

Janet:      Oh Brad, I'm mad.

Brad:       Dammit, Janet.

Brad & Janet: I love you.

            [what you're about to see is a virgin kiss, three assholes, and

            a 4 way split...the virgin kiss...three assholes...and a 4 way


            [this man has no fucking neck]

            [i bet you'd like something, wouldn't you you beady eyed butt-

            fucker!]  [he's not beady eyed]

Narrator:   I would like, [oh you would, would you?]

            ah, if I may [you may NOT], take you [take me! take me!]

            on a strange journey.

            [how strange was it?  it was so strange they made a movie about it]

            (goes for black book)

            [not the book, the movie]

            1[and this pervert took pictures]

            2[and you're in 'em!]

            1[damn straight!]

            2[not what I heard...]

            1[who told?]

            (opens book)

            [this is my mommy, and this is my daddy, and this is my asshole...]

            [with a statement]

            It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Brad Majors and

            his {dog spot} {(assorted barking)} Janet Weiss, two young,

            ordinary [ordinary??], healthy [healthy??] kids,

            1[where's your fucking body?]

            2[behind the fucking book]

            left Denton that late November evening, to visit a Dr. Everett {Snot},

            [great scot, he's got wheels but no brakes.  he's a horny parapalegic]

            ex-tutor, now friend to both of them.

            [Is it true you like gerbiling?]

         OR [Is it true you (pick an activity...any activity)]

            It's true there were dark storm clouds

            [describe Oprah Winfrey's tits]

            heavy, black, and pendulous, towards which they were driving.

            [Is it also true you're constipated?]

         OR [Is it also true (again...just pick something)]

            It's true, also, that the spare tire they were carrying

            [over the rest of the narrator's speech repeat:  fuck that chin!]

            was badly in need of some air, but, uh, they being normal kids, on a

            night out... well, they weren't going to let a storm spoil the events

            their evening, were they?

            ...On a night out... it was a night out

            they were going to remember... for a very long time.

            [don't come on the screen!!]

            [(batman music) Batman!]

            [Ladies and gentlemen!  this is the part of the movie where

            we imitate the windshield wipers!  arms up!

            Left, right, left, right

            for those of you on speed:


            for those of you on downers:

            lleefftt, rriigghhtt, lleefftt, rriigghht

            for those of you on cocaine:

            fuckin'-left, fuckin'-right, fuckin'-left, fuckin'-right

            for those of you on acid:

            red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, spiders

            for those of you on crack:

            (clap hands)

            for those of you who are dyslexic:

            (crossing arms) left, right, left, right

            for those of you already horny:

            in, out, in, out, in, out

            and for those of you who are fans of Pee-Wee Herman:

            up, down, up, down, up, down

            Thank you!]

Janet:      Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's passed us.

            They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the

            weather and all.

Brad:       Yes, Janet, life's pretty cheap to that type.

Janet:      What's the matter, Brad darling?

Brad:       We must have taken the wrong fork a few miles back. [fork you]

Janet:      Oh, but where did that motorcyclist come from?

            ['Twilight Zone' music]

Brad:       Hmmm... well I guess we'll just have to turn back.

            [grab that tit, grab that tit, etc] (BOOM)

Janet:      Oh! What was that bang? [it was a gang-bang, bitch, and you

            weren't invited]

            ['Smurfs' music...]

Brad:       We must have a blowout.  DAMMIT!  [medic smurf!]

            I knew I should have

            gotten that spare tire fixed [asshole!].   Well, you just stay here

            keep warm and I'll go for help.

Janet:      But where will you go in the middle of nowhere?

            ['Jeopardy' theme song]

         OR [What's white, up north, sells little-bitty hamburgers, and

            rhymes with the word 'asshole'?]

Brad:       ...Didn't we pass a castle back down the road a few miles? [YAY!]

            Maybe they have a telephone I could use.

            [castles don't have phones, asshole]

Janet:      I'm going with you.

Brad:       Oh, no, darling, there's no sense in both of us getting wet.

            1[she's already wet!  check the seat!]

            2[i need a spatula!]

            1[i get mine at 'Spatula City'!]

            [Spatula city!]

Janet:      I'm coming with you! [that'll be a first...] Besides darling,

            the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman, [He IS!]

            and you might never come back again. [you should be so lucky]

Brad:       Heh, heh, heh, heh.

            [hey, brad, kick something hard, rubber, vulcanized, and flatter

            than janet's chest]

            [like oprah winfrey's diaphragm]

            [colonel sanders wants you, bitch]

            [that sign belongs between janet's legs and on the other side it

            says 'slippery when wet']

            [risk it!  risk it!]

            1[how long does it take to read five fucking words??]

            2[five fucking scenes]

            1[but there's only four fucking scenes in this movie]

            2[then we get to improvise one]

            [what's our favorite cartoon theme song?]

            [george, george, george of the jungle, watch out for that tree!]


            [sing it, bitch]

Janet:      In the velvet darkness, [where?]

            {in between her thighs},

            Burning bright, [what's up your ass?] there's a {brand new car}.

            [hey, janet, will you fuck me no matter what?]

            No matter what [or who i are?] or who you are.

            [sing it, asshole, it's a duet]

Brad & Janet: There's a light...

             [where's the best place to get fucked?]

Chorus:     Over at the Frankenstein place.

Brad & Janet: There's a light...

             [where's Santa Claus? (or other appropriate item)]

Chorus:     Burning in the fireplace.

Brad & Janet: There's a light, light [where's Ray Charles?]

              in the darkness [darkness, virgins] of everybody's life.

          [bold and sexy, bold and sexy, etc]

            [sing to us, O balding one...]

Riff Raff:  The darkness must go down the river of night's dreaming.

            [close up!]

            Flow morphia slow, let the sun and light come streaming

            Into my life.  Into my life...

            [ladies and gentlemen, for one night and one night only, the

            incredible shrinking Riff Raff]  [he's going down on his sister]

Brad & Janet: There's a light...

Chorus:     Over at the {Epcot Center}.

            [sieg heil]

Brad & Janet: There's a light...

            [where's (different item than used above)]

Chorus:     Burning in the fireplace.

            There's a light, a light

             [where's Stevie Wonder?]

Brad & Janet: the darkness [darkness, virgins] of everybody's life.

            [and betsy ross used to sit and home and fuck herself and fuck

            herself and fuck herself...]

Narrator:   And so, [she had time to sew??] [this guy is so gay, he can't

            even draw a straight line!] it seemed that fortune had smiled

            on Brad and Janet [unlike your fucking neck] and that they had

            found the assistance that their plight required.

             [or had they?]

             ...Or had they?

             [i asked you first!]

Janet:      Brad, let's go back, I'm cold and I'm frightened...

            [look!  janet's got a condom in her hair.] [and has no idea how

            to use it!]

Brad:       Just a moment Janet, they might have a phone.

            (doorbell rings, door creaks open)

            [ding dong, asshole calling, avon couldn't make it]

            [1, 2, 3, 4 open up the fucking door, 5, 6, 7, 8 why are you so

            fucking late?] [better late than pregnant]

            [hey, Riff Raff, say something incredibly sexy like 'jello' in


         OR [what's your favorite Lionel Richie song?]

Riff Raff:  Hello.

            [mine's 'Dancing on the ceiling]

            [hey, brad, are you drunk or high?]

Brad:       Hi! My name is Brad Majors, [asshole] and this is my {dog, spot},

            Janet Weiss.  I wonder if you could help us.  You see, our car

            broke down [bullshit, you got a flat] a few miles up the road...

            do you have a phone we might use? [castles don't have phones]

            [look between janet's legs]

Riff Raff:  You're wet.

            [hey, janet, did you bring your waterproof vibrator?]

Janet:      Yes - [why?] it's raining. [good reason]

            [are you an asshole, brad?]

Brad:       Yes.

            [are you on drugs, Riff?]

Riff Raff:  Yes... [how about you, god? (lightning strike) oh, shit!  it's

            true!  Riff IS a used Honda dealer...]  I think perhaps you

            better both [fuck off!] come inside.

            [i don't care where you come as long as you clean it up]

Janet:      You're too kind. [no, he's 3 kinds:  boys, girls, and magenta]

            [how do assholes fly?]  [nice try]

            [can you spot the domestic in this picture?]

            [no, there's a slut/dog spot in the way]

            Oh Brad, I'm frightened.  What kind of a place is this?

            [describe the white house...]

Brad:       Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos.

            [Yay, rich weirdos!]

Janet:      Oh (forlornly)

            [hey, Riff Raff, which way do you finger fuck your sister?]


Riff Raff:  This way.

            [follow the bouncing thumb..] [he's got a boogie on his finger

            and he can't shake it off...]

Janet:      Are you having a party?

            [no, it's my sister's barmitzvah]

Riff Raff:  You've arrived on a rather special night [special?!].  It's one

            of the master's affairs. [which one?  which sex?  which species?]

Janet:      Oh lucky him.

Magenta:    You're lucky, He's lucky, I'm lucky, {the banister's lucky}!

            [no it's not, she's got termites and it's got syph]

            (- seven dongs -)   {don't ask -ed.}

            THE TIME WARP

            [what is it?]

Riff Raff:  It's astounding; [no, it's a skeleton]

            Time is fleeting; [what's it like when you can't get it up?]

            Madness [SUCKS!] takes its toll. [69 cents, please]

            But listen closely...

            [for how long?]

Magenta:    Not for very much longer.

            [how many balls do you have?]

Riff Raff:  I've got {five} keep control.

            I remember doing the time-warp [kick, kick]

            Drinking {patricia quinn}

            The blackness would hit me

Riff & Magenta: And a void would be calling...

              [OH, RIFF RAFF...]

Transylvanians: Let's do the time-warp again.

            Let's do the time-warp again.

            [hey, shit lips, how does it go?]

Narrator:   It's just a jump to the left.

All:        And then a step to the right.

Narrator:   Put your hands on your {tits}. [or someone else's]

All:        You bring your knees in tight. [2, 4, 6, 8, huh!]

            But it's the pelvic thrust [group sex, group sex, group sex]

            That really drives you insane.

            Let's do the time-warp again.

            Let's do the time-warp again.

Magenta:    It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.

            So you can't see me, [do you douche?] no, not at all. [so i smell..]

            In another dimension, [how do you fuck?] with voyeuristic intention,

            [where are your tits?] Well secluded, [do you see this?] I see all.

            [oh, shit!]

Riff Raff:  With a bit of a mind {fuck}

Magenta:    You're into the time slip. [fuck that bird!] [fowl masterbation...]

Riff Raff:  And nothing can ever be the same. [here, have a bagel]

Magenta:    You're spaced out on sensation.

Riff Raff:  Like you're under sedation.

All:        Let's do the time-warp again.

            Let's do the time-warp again.

Columbia:   Well I was walking down the street just having a think

            When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.

            He shook me up, he took me by surprise

            He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.

            He stared at me and I felt a change.

            Time meant nothing, never would again.

All:        Let's do the time-warp again.

            Let's do the time-warp again.

Narrator:   It's just a jump to the left.

All:        And then a step to the right.

Narrator:   Put your {dick in your lips}.

All:        You bring your knees in tight. [2, 4, 6, 8, show us how you


            But it's the pelvic thrust [group sex, group sex, group sex]

            That really drives you insane.

            Let's do the time-warp again.

            Let's do the time-warp again.

            (Columbia tap-dances)

            [eat yourself out, anne miller]

            [watch out for that first step, it's a loo-loo]

All:        Let's do the time-warp again.

            Let's do the time-warp again.

Narrator:   {get the fuck off your desk!}.

All:        And then a step to the right.

Narrator:   Put your hands on your hips.

All:        You bring your knees in tight. [2, 4, 6, 8, show us how you


            But it's the pelvic thrust [group sex, group sex, group sex]

            that really drives you insane.

            Let's do the time-warp again.

            Let's do the time-warp again.

            [release the poison gas!] [only virgins go all the way down]

            [man the harpoons!]

Janet:      Brad, say something.  (whispered)

            [hey, asshole, say something stupid!]

Brad:       Say, [that wasn't stupid] do any of you guys know how to

            Madison? [THAT was stupid]

            [(over the following dialogue, repeat the following phrases):

            shit, goddamn, sit on my face and slam motherfucker

            said shit, goddamn, i hate green eggs and spam motherfucker

            said shit, goddamn, my name is sam i am motherfucker...etc]

Janet:      Brad, please, let's get out of here.

Brad:       For God's sake keep a grip on yourself Janet.

            (music cue softly at first, crescendo up)

Janet:      But it... it seems so unhealthy here.

Brad:       It's just a party, Janet.

Janet:      Well - I want to go.

Brad:       Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.

Janet:      Well then ask the butler or someone.

Brad:       Just a moment, Janet - we don't want to interfere

            with their celebration.

Janet:      This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad.

Brad:       They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own.

            They may do some more {fuck} dancing.

Janet:      Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain {stupid}. OR {horny}

Brad:       I'm here - there's nothing to worry about



Frank:      How do you do, I

            See you've met my

            Faithful handyman. [which one, left or right?]

            He's just a little brought down

            Because when you knocked [they rang!]

            He thought you were the {vasaline man}.

            Don't get strung out [too late..] by the way I look.

            Don't judge a book by its cover.

            I'm not much of a man by the light of day

            But by night I'm one {sick motherfucker}.

            I'm just a sweet transvestite [we're not worthy!  we're not worthy!]

            From Transexual, Transylvania.

            Let me show you around

            Maybe play you a sound.

            You look like you're both {fucking goofy}. [and micky and donald..]

            Or if you want something visual [try pornos]

            That's not too abysmal, [try kiddie pornos]

            We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie. [who's steve reeves??]

            [superman's gay brother]

Brad:       I'm glad we caught you at home,

            Could we use your phone?

            We're both in a bit of a hurry.


Janet:      Right.


Brad:       We'll just say where we are,

            Then go {fuck in the car}.

            We don't want {fuck Tim Curry}.

Frank:      Well you got with a flat, well, {fuck my cat}? [meow!]

            Well, babies, don't you panic.

            By the light of the night it'll all seem alright.

            I'll get you a satanic mechanic. [s&m!]

            I'm just a sweet transvestite [boom chicky boom chicky boom]

            From Transexual, Transylvania.

            Why don't you stay for the night?

Riff Raff:  Night.

Frank:      Or maybe a bite?

Columbia:   Bite.

            [i said a bite, not a lick!]

Frank:      I could show you my favourite {position}. [sex]

            I've been making a man [you call that a man??]

            With blond hair and a tan [you call that a tan??]

         OR With {a long dick in his hand}

            And he's good for relieving my [sexual]...tension

            I'm just a sweet transvestite  [check it out...]

            From Transexual, Transylvania.

            HIT IT, HIT IT!

            I'm just a sweet transvestite

Frank, Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta: Sweet transvestite

Frank:      From Transexual,

Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta: Transylvania.

            [do, re, mi, fa...]

Frank:      So [la, ti, do] - come up to the lab, [nobody can come that far!]

            And see what's on the slab.

            I see you shiver with antici

            [say it!  say it!  say it!]- (3 seconds) - pation.

         OR [this movie would suck with out audience partici ] - pation.

            But maybe the rain [is in brad's hair]

            Is really to blame. [or maybe not]

            So I'll remove {your clothes}. (chuckles)

            [what about the symptoms?  what about the symptoms?]

            But not the symptom. [shit]

            (applause) (Brad and Janet are given towels and both say thank you)

            [janet's on the is brad]

            (Columbia and Riff Raff start to undress Brad and Janet)

            [here, lemme take your coat...and your dress...and your pants...

            and your wallet, and your virginity, and anything else we can

            get our hands on!]

Janet:      Oh!  Brad!

Brad:       It's all right Janet.  We'll play along for now and pull

            out the aces when the time is right.

            [show us your aces, brad] [looks more like a joker to me]

Columbia:   Slowly, slowly! It's too nice a job to rush. [Yay, Rush!]

Brad:       Hi, my name is Brad Majors [asshole], and this is my {dog, spot},

            Janet Weiss; [spell 'urinate' the georgia tech way...] you are...

            [that's close enough]

Columbia:   You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory. [why?]

            Some people would give their right arm for the priviledge.

            [you gave you left tit...]

Brad:       People like you maybe.

Columbia:   Ha! {I don't do laundry!}.

            (Riff Raff pours wine into a glass,

            takes a swig from the bottle.)

            [Riff!  gimme the bottle!  c'mon, Riff, gimme the bottle!]

Magenta:    Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept waiting.

            [magenta, what do you do with an uncomfortable cock?]

Magenta:    Shift it.

            (riff drops the bottle)  [alcohol abuse!]

            (Janet screeches - the elevator goes up)

            [first floor: cheap antiques.  second floor: stupid questions.

            third floor: stupid answers. fourth floor: stupid giggles.

            fifth floor: complete darkness.  sixth floor: green and sexy]

Janet:      Is he, uh, Frank I mean, is he your husband?

Riff Raff:  The master is not yet married, nor do I think he ever

            will be. [who are you then?] We are simply his {slaves}.

Janet:      Oh.

            [green and sexy! green and sexy! blue light special! blue light

            special] [what's that lady dressed in green? that's no lady, it's

            a gay marine]

            [sluts first, side-step please.  assholes second, assorted

            servants in the rear that's why they call 'em 'butlers']

            (doors open, panning shot of lab)

            1[look at those well hung speakers!]

            2[like you were looking at the speakers]

            [here's your urine sample, master]

            [what color is your dick after masturbating with a cheese grater

            for six and a half hours straight?]

Frank:      Magenta,

            [where do you get your drugs?]


            1[i get mine at little 5]

            2[bad choice]

            go and assist {Woof Woof} [he can't get it up by himself].

            I will entertain {the cameraman with the world's largest hand job}

            [he's not reaching for your hand, brad]

Brad:       Brad Majors. [asshole]  And this is my fiancee, Janet "Vice".

            [tight as a vice is twice as nice but not as nice as janet weiss]

Janet:      Weiss.

Brad:       Weiss? um

            [how do you say 'big tits' in french?]

Frank:      Enchante.

            [what's that REALLY mean?]

            (Janet giggles)

Frank:      Well! how nice. [does not]  And what charming underclothes you

            both have. [they're underoos!  the underwear that's fun to wear.

            and even more fun to eat off] But here.  Put these on.  [what the

            fuck are 'theseon'?]

            They'll make you feel less [fuckable?] vulnerable. [same thing]

            It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer

            them... {horse brutality}.

Brad:       {horse brutality}!?

            [look!  up in the sky!  it's a bird, it's a plane, it's a corpse,

            it's ...]

            All we wanted to do was to use your telephone,

            Goddammit, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore.

Janet:      Brad, don't be ungrateful.

Brad:       Ungrateful!  ['s SUPERASSHOLE!]

Frank:      How forceful you are, Brad. [describe Barbara Bush]

            Such a perfect specimen of manhood.

            So... [big?] dominant (crowd has flurry of laughs).

            [if he's so dominant, why does she need opera glasses?]

            [cover your dominance, brad]

            You must be awfully proud of him, Janet.

            [say, janet, are you a slut?]

Janet:      Well, yes I am. (giggles)

            [thought so]

Frank:      Do you have any tattoos, Brad?

            1[how do you tattoo an asshole?]

            2[with the world's smallest needle, lotsa little pricks, and

            you DON'T use earth tones]

Brad:       Certainly not!

Frank:      Oh well, how about you. (to Janet)

Janet:      No. (giggling)

Riff Raff:  Everything is in readiness, master.

            We merely await your {sperm}.

            [and the word for the night is 'legs'.  help spread the word]

            (Frank spills wine on Riff)

            [oh, shit, my good suit!  oh, shit, my ONLY suit!]

            [hey, Frank, when's the orgy and who's invited?]

Frank:      Tonight, my unconventional conventionalists... [hey, that's US!]

            you are to witness a new breakthrough in bi{sexual}

            research... and paradise is [lost!] {a garage}...

            [in the navel...] [lower! lower!] [in the navel...]

            [snap that rubber and scare the shit out of yourself]

            It was strange the way it happened... suddenly you get a break...

            all the pieces seem to fit into place, [like a dick up your ass]

            not a sign of being.. [describe george bush] what a fool!

            The answer was there all the time, [42] it took a small

            accident to make it happen...[where were you concieved?

            how were you concieved?] {in a volkswagon!}

Magenta & Columbia: An accident!

Frank:      And that's how I discovered the secret,

            [who gives the best blow jobs on the USS enterprise, besides

            captain kirk?]

            that elusive ingredient,

            that {SPOCK} [no, it's data, he's fully functional.  no, it's

            McCoy, that's why they call him 'bones'.  no, it's ohura, her

            name says it all.]  that is the breath of life...

            [are you gonna fuck every one in the audience?]

            Yes, [do you know how to fuck camels upside down underwater?]

            I have that knowledge...

            [what do you hold between your legs?]

            I hold {a tampon}... [to life?] to life... [itself??] itself!

            [Spelling bee...sound off:  'F'!]

            You see ['K'!  can't spell it, can't do it],

            you are fortunate [snap that rubber] for tonight is the night

            that my beautiful creature is destined to be {FUCKED}!

            [ladies and gentlemen, for one night and one night only, the

            noiseless noisemakers!]

            (Magenta and Columbia take hold of the cloth)

            [at the count of your favorite sexual position, throw open the

            red curtain and yell 'FUCK' in chinese...]

            [67, 68, 69...]

            {fuck in chinese}!

            [it's tampon-man and he's self-inserting]

            1[rocky had a wet dream]

            2[rocky IS a wet dream]

            Throw open the switches on {your mother's vibrator}...

            [one magic dildo...] [put your wrist into it] [two magic dildos]

            and step the reactor power input THREE MORE {DORITOES}!

            [i hate this scene, i hate this scene, i hate this scene...]

            [put your hump into it, Riff]

            [pigs in space...!]

            [honeycomb's big, yeah yeah yeah...]

Janet:      Oh, Brad!

Brad:       It's alright, Janet. [i brought a condom]

            [smile if you're horny, Riff]

            [hey, frank, how big is your dick and don't exaggerate]

            [what's that statue doing??]

    (colorful fluids, etc. in order Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo


            [ladies and gentlemen, ted turner in action]

            1[rocky's got a boner]

            2[rocky IS a boner]

            1[is it soup yet?]

            2[no, even campbell's takes five minutes]

            [what's the last thing ted bundy saw?]

            [peg bundy]

            1[and tampon man lives!  does he reach for his first woman?]


            1[does he reach for his first beer?]


            [he reaches for his first screw]

            [and all he gets is a lousy rivet]

            [rivet. rivet. rivet]

            [and tampon-man stands fully erect]

            (Rocky emits some gutteral garbage)

            [give him some head, Riff.  give him some GOOD head this week.]

            [it'''s...Ricky Schroeder!]

Frank:      Oh!  Rocky!

            [No!  Ricky!]


Rocky:      The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head, [breathe!]

            And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cutting the thread.

            Oh, woe is me, {i missed my lobotomy}.

            Oh, can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty big {boner}.

            I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed.

All:        That ain't no crime.

Rocky:      And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread.

All:        That ain't no crime.

            [watch it with those SCISSORS!]

Rocky:      My high is low, I'm dressed up with no {one to blow}.

            And all I know is I'm at the start of a pretty big {boner}.

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky:      Oh ho no no

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky:      Oh ho no no

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky:      Oh ho no no

Rocky:      The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.

All:        That ain't no crime.

Frank:      Well really.

Rocky:      And I've got the feeling someone's going to be cutting the thread.

All:        That ain't no crime.

Rocky:      Oh, woe is me.  {why does this guy keep following me?}

            And can't you see that I'm at the start of a pretty big {boner}?

Rocky:      Oh no no no.

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky:      Oh no no no.

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky:      Oh no no no.

               (repeat until end --- Sha-la-la)

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime,

            Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime,


Frank:      Well really.[yes, really]  That's no way to behave on your first

            day out. [..of the closet]

            [aw, look at his leg/dick and forgive him]

Rocky:      Ugh  Ugh  (forlornly like a puppy dog)

Frank:      But since you're such an exceptional beauty, I'm prepared to

            forgive you.

            [hey, rocky, how do you masturbate siamese twins? put your wrist

            into it!]

Rocky:      Ugh  Ugh  (applause) (Rocky claps like a child)

Frank:      Oh, I just love {cheap sex}.

         OR Oh, I just love {corn chex}.

Riff Raff:  He's a credit to your {penis}, master.

Frank:      Yes.

Magenta:    A triumph of your will.

Frank:      Yes.

Columbia:   He's {not gay}.

            [get your tits off my tank, bitch]

            [(smurf's music)]

Frank:      o.k. (smack)

            O.K.!  [can we do better than that?]

            I think we can do better than that.  Humph!

            [let's ask ken and barbie!] [it's an asshole poll]

            Well, Brad and Janet, [tap, tap, tap]

            what do you think of him?

            [see slut lie.  lie, slut, lie]

Janet:      Well, I don't like men with too many muscles.

            [just one big one, that brad hasn't got]

Frank:      I didn't make him... FOR YOU! [she gets him anyway]

            He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval.

            [(seal barking noises)]

            I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN (part I)

            [describe dan quayle]

         OR [describe gene siskel]

         OR [describe kim mcfarland]

Frank:      A weakling weighing ninety-eight pounds [that's TWO (name used)]

            Will get sand in his face [at the beach]

            When kicked {in the groin}; [don't laugh, that hurts]

            And soon in the gym [who's jim?] {wipe that come off his} chin,

            [what are you going to drink?]

            The sweat from his {balls} as he works for his cause

            [oh, great.  now he's gonna think his first name is 'happy']

            [now there's 4 dumbbells on the screen]

            Will make him glisten

            [what's your favorite toothpaste?]

            and gleam.

            And with massage, [what's for dinner?] and just a little bit

            of steam,

            [go for the gold, go for the gold, go for the gold]

            1[missed it, missed it, now you gotta kiss it]

            2[that's why he missed it]

            He'll be pink and quite clean

            He'll be a strong man.  [what's come taste like?] Oh honey...

All:        But the wrong man.

Frank:      He'll eat nutritious [come] high protein [come].

            And swallow raw {come}...

            Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and... legs.

            Such an effort if he only knew of my plan.

            In just seven days...

            [and seven nights...]

Frank & Transylvanians: I can make you a {fag, just like your dad}.

Frank:      He'll do press-ups, and chin-ups, do the snatch,

            [Rocky found a hole in the floor] [Rocky's making a hole

            in the floor]

            clean and jerk. [off]

            He thinks dynamic tension [is dynamic] must be hard work.

            Such strenuous living I just don't understand,

            When in just seven days, [and seven nights] oh baby,

            ...I can make you a {fag, just like your dad}.

            [the next three words have been censored]

            (beep) (beep) (beep)  [andrew dice clay]

            [i'm hot and i'm thirsty] [Hey, Kool-Aid!]

Columbia:   EDDIE!

            [checklist!  kickstand: check.  goggles: check.  helmet: check

            attitude: check.]


Eddie:      Whatever happened to Saturday night, [it turned into sunday morning]

            When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright?

            It don't seem the same since cosmic {cow}

            Came into my life, I thought I was divine. [Divine's dead]

            I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go,

            And listen to the music on the radio;

            A saxophone was blowing on a rock 'n roll show.

            You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time.

            Hot patootie, bless my soul, {sex, drugs and} rock 'n roll.

            (repeated three more times)

            [hey, eddie, how about some good sex?]

            (Sax solo)

            [i said good SEX not good SAX]

            [what do you think of the democrats?]

Transylvanian:  Lovely party...

            [eat shit and die]

Eddie:      My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled.

            My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt.

            I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt

            And she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine. [psyche!]

            Get back in front [psyche!], put some hair oil on

            Buddy Holly was singing his very last song.

            With your arms around your girl you'd try to sing along.

            It felt pretty good. [goose the slut!] Woo You really had a good


            Hot patootie, bless my soul, {this song is getting old}.





             (... for a total of twelve times)

            (Frank attacks Eddie with an alpinist's pick)

            [remember:  you can pick your friends but not your family. no,

            wait, you can pick your family but you can't pick your friend's

  , wait...forget it.]

            [happy trails to you...]

            [hey, Frank, what's the score and make it incredibly tacky]

Frank:      One from the vaults. (chuckles)

            [a greaser from the freezer like a bat out of hell]

            [give those bloody rubbers to magenta she knows what to do with

            them] [she'll turn 'em inside out and use 'em for tea bags for

            the Lost Boys]

Rocky:      Ugh...

            [i'm pissed.  boy, am i pissed.  i am SO pissed]

Frank:      Oh baby... Don't be upset... [i'm not upset, i'm pissed]

            It was a mercy killing... [bullshit, it was a messy killing]

            he had a certain naive charm, [but what did he lack?]

            but no muscle [show us your muscle, rock]

            (Rocky flexes a bicep) [wrong muscle] ...Oh!

            I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN (part II)

Frank:      But a deltoid and a bicep.

            [what's for dinner?]

            A hot groin and a tricep.

            Makes me {wanna fuck with a midget},

            Makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the ...{balls}.

Frank & Transylvanians: In just seven days [and seven nights] I can make

            you a {fag, just like your dad}.

            [(over the following line): strut, kick, strut, kick, etc]

Frank:      I don't want no dissention, just dynamic tension.

            [sing it, bitch]

Janet:      I'm a muscle fan.

Frank:      In just seven days, I can make you a man

            Dig it if you can

            In just seven days, I can make you a man.

            (Frank and Rocky's WEDDING MARCH) [who invited jimi hendrix??]

Transylvanians: Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!  Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!

            Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!

            [assume the position!]

            [*I* say that life is an illusion]

Narrator:   There are those who say that life is an illusion

            [like your fucking neck]

            and that reality is simply a figment of the imagination.

            [like your fucking neck]

            If this is so, then Brad and Janet are

            quite safe, [UNlike your fucking neck] ... however

            [there's ALWAYS a 'however'], the sudden departure

            of their host [and his neck]...and his [neck] creation

            [and his neck]...into the seclusion of his somber

            bridal {sweet} had left them feeling [neckless] both

            apprehensive and [lacking a neck] uneasy.  A feeling which grew

            [unlike your fucking neck]

            as the other guests departed, and they [and their necks] were

            shown to their separate rooms [with their separate necks].

            [you make it sound so dirty]

            (Janet and Brad are shown to their rooms by Columbia.)

            [pink is for out for that slut detector...

            beep, beep, beep, beep, BUZZ]

            [he sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake,

            he knows when you've been fucking good and when you masturbate,


            1[same room, different color, cheap movie]

            2[same line, different week, cheap audience]

            [say, janet, i've got this really cool idea but first you gotta


            (Brad enters room)



            [shut up, magenta]

Janet:      Uhh! Who is it? Who's there?

            [it's the milkman!]

         OR [it's the plumber. i've come to fix the sink]

         OR [it's the plumber. i've come to lay some pipe]

         OR [it's the electrician, i've come to measure your amp]

Frank (Brad): It's only me, Janet.

Janet:      Oh, Brad darling, come in. [and out and in and out and in]

            Oh! Brad Oh Brad.  Yes, my darling...but what if...

Frank (Brad): It's all right, Janet, everything's going to be alright.

            1[what is the first rule of this movie?]

            2[don't fuck with the hair!]

Janet:      Oh, I hope so, my darling.  Oh...Ah...ahh OHHH! Oh it's you!

            [it's a dead tribble!] [it's Al Franken!]

Frank:      I'm afraid so, Janet, but isn't it nice... [no, it's weiss]

Janet:      Oh, you beast, you monster...Oh what have you done with Brad?

            [nothing yet, saving the best for last]

Frank:      Oh, well, nothing.  Why, do you think I should?

Janet:      You tricked me...I wouldn't have...I've never..never...

            [never?  never ever?  never ever ever?]

            [what about the football team, we never found the goalpost]

            [that was just practice]

Frank:      Yes, yes I know, but it isn't all bad, is it?

            [it isn't all brad, either]

            I think you really found it quite pleasurable.

Janet:      Oh, stop... [don't, stop, don't stop, don't stop]

            I mean help...Brad Brad!..Oh Brad!!

            [he's not down there!  he's never been down there]

Frank:      Shhh. Brad's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you

            [how do you fuck farm animals?] like...This!

Janet:      Like how??! Oh, it's your're to blame

            [no, sue's to blame, read the credits]...Oh...

            I was saving myself... [for what?  a rainy day?  look outside,

            it's pouring]

            [it's raining, it's pouring, janet's twat is boring]

Frank:      Well, I'm sure you're not SPENT yet...

            [anybody got change for a penny?] [i've got a credit card]

Janet:      Promise you won't tell Brad?

Frank:      Cross my heart and hope to die... [stick a dildo in my eye..]

            [kick if you like it!] (assorted sexual noises)

            [i'm so glad we had this time together...]

            (scene with Riff & Magenta, Magenta with a mop)

            [hey magenta!  over here!  look!  MAGENTA!!  hi.]

         OR [hey, magenta, there's a lesbian in the back row]

            (Riff walks over to Magenta)

            [wanna fuck with the monster?]

            [nah, why don't you hold my rag and I'LL go fuck with the monster]

            [i know he's my brother, but god he's got a cute ass]

            (Riff walks over to Rocky)

            [Rocky takes it up the ass, doo-dah doo-dah, Riff Raff does it

            twice as fast, oh doo-dah-day]

            [can i have a muscle twitch, please?]

            [he's got the whole world on his shoulders...]

            [can you spot the black hole in the golden arches?]

            1[what's hot, white, and sticky?]

            2[candle wax, but i like the way you think]

            (Riff grabs the candelabra)

            [i don't care how much vasaline you use, that is not gonna fit]

            (Riff Raff scares Rocky with a candelabra)

            [ugh!  fire bad!]

            [how 'bout a little fire, scarecrow?]

            [this is no time to be yanking your chain]

            [looks like it's curtains for the butler]

            (Rocky runs away)

            (Rocky climbs down the elevator shaft)

            [one for the road] [it's 'rocky kong jr.']

            (Riff approaches Magenta)

            [elbow sex.  elbow sex.]

            [if you do it with your sister then you won't get a blister

            if you do it with your brother then you won't want another]

            [if you can't keep it in your pants, at least keep it in the


            [hey, there's a cockroach on magenta's ne...oh, you found it]

            [give her a hicky!  I said a hicky, not a blood transfusion]

            [bathroom's to the left.  LEFT!!]

            (scene change to Brad's room)

            [hey, asshole, what time is it?]

Frank (Janet): Oh, Brad darling, it's no good here.  He'll destroy us.

Brad:       Don't worry Janet, we'll be away from here in the morning.

            [someone close the curtain, please.]

Frank (Janet): Oh, Brad you're so strong and protective.

            [what's the first rule of this movie?] [don't fuck with the hair]

Brad:       Ah, ah, ah, oh YOU!

            [who'd you expect?]

Frank:      I'm afraid so, Brad, but isn't it nice... [no, and it's not weiss


Brad:       Why YOU!  what have you done with Janet?

            [fucked the shit out of her.  twice.]

Frank:      Nothing.  Why?  Do you think I should?

Brad:       You tricked me, I wouldn't have...never...never...never...

            [never?  never ever?  never ever ever?]

            [what about the baseball team, we never found the catcher's mitt]

            [what about the hocky team, we never found the zamboni]

Frank:      Oh Yes yes, I know...but it isn't all bad, is it?  Not even half

            bad, I think you really quite enjoyed it.

            (Brad starts moaning)

Frank:      Oh... so soft...

            [don't, stop, don't stop, don't stop!]

Brad:       Stop it...stop it...oh Janet...JANET!

            [she's not down there, she's never been down there]

Frank:      Shhh! Janet's probably asleep by now, do you want her to see you...

            [how do you fuck boy scouts?] like...this.

Brad:       Like this, like how? It's your fault, you're to blame,

            [no, sue's to blame, read the credits] I thought

            it was the real thing!

            [look!  brad's got a tit on his back!  and it's bigger than janet's]

Frank:      Oh come on, Brad, admit it, you liked it, didn't you?  There's no

            crime in giving yourself over to pleasure, Brad.

            [it is in georgia, but not in florida]

            [road trip, i'm driving, bend over]

            We've wasted so much time already. Janet needn't know, I won't tell


Brad:       Well, promise you won't tell...

            [where do you have sex, frank?]

Frank:      On my mother's gra.oouuuuuu....

            [don't talk with your mouth full]


Riff Raff:  Master, Rocky has broken his chains and vanished [*POOF*]. Your

            new playmate is loose [well, we KNEW he was loose...]

            and somewhere on the castle grounds...

            Magenta has just released {her sisters}... [pink, purple, and fuschia]

            [what are you doing, frank?]

Frank:      mmmm? coming!  [so's brad]  [deep throat]

            [it's the three faces of janet weiss with the same fucking tear]

Janet:      What's happening here?  Where's Brad?  Where's anybody??

            [I'm anybody!]

Janet:      Oh, Brad. [oh, janet]  Brad, my darling, [janet, my slut]

            how could I have done this to you? [it was easy, but it would

            have been easier without the pantyhose]

            [drip, drip, drip, SPLASH!  wet feet]

         OR [drip, drip, drip, SPLASH!  webbed feet.] [how i like 'em]

            Oh! [not the 'if only's]  If only we hadn't made this journey...

            [but you did]

            if only the car hadn't broken down... [but it did]

            if only {her tits would fall out of that bra}. [but they won't]

            Or sane persons, [two out of three ain't bad]

            Oh Brad. [oh, janet]

            what have they done with him...

               (she sees him on TV with Frank)

            [Look!  it's true!  assholes DO smoke after sex]

            [and Brooke Shields is not impressed]

            Oh, Brad, Oh Brad-How could you?

            [she's only upset 'cause she can't jump that high]

            1[that's what the ladder's for]

            2[that's right, there's more than 50 ways to love your lever]

            1[and janet only knows 3]

            (she fondles the handle)

            [cheap sex to the left, janet.  LEFT!]

               (Rocky emits moans and general cries of pain)

            [oh, great, now you woke the baby, now you gotta breast feed him]

            [leave him alone, he's monsterbating]

            (Rocky gets up)

            [ladies and gentlemen, the sins of masturbation: friction burns]

            [i told ya lady, the car won't be ready 'til thursday]

Janet:      Oh, but you are hurt [no shit, sherlock]...

            Did they do this to you? [no, i did it to myself with my Ronco


            I'll dress your wounds... [he's got more hurt than you've got

            skirt.  he's got more rip than you've got slip.  and he wants

            a three piece suit and a body cast]

            baby there...let me make it all better.

            [hi.  my name's Rocky Horror.  wanna fuck?] [schwing]

            [janet, being a careful and consciencious slut, always looks

            both ways before fucking]

            [janet, are you gonna fuck rocky or the audience?  rocky...or

            the audience...?  YES!  the audience wins again!]

            [chucky gray's neck:  now you see it, now you don't]

Narrator:   Emotion, agitation or disturbance of the mind...Vehement or excited

            mental state. It is also a powerful and irrational master...and from

            what {Magenter} 1[what's a 'magenter'?] 2[one who magents]

            1[how do you magent?] 2[with both hands and 2 'D' cell batteries]

            and Columbia eagerly viewed on their television monitor

            there seemed little doubt that Janet was, indeed, ... {a slut}.

            [hey, she's getting a blow job and a toe job.  no fair.]

Magenta and Columbia:  Tell us about it, {slut}.


Janet:      I was feeling done in [and out and in and out and in],

            couldn't win [like the (sports team)]

            [ok, janet's on the left, rocky's on the right, who's that dick

            in the middle??]

            I'd only ever {fucked} before.

Columbia:   You mean she{'s}...

Magenta:    {a 'ho}

Janet:      I thought there's no use getting [laid]

            Into heavy petting

            [reject that hand in the name of Bob]

            It only leads to trouble

            And [stretch marks] seat wetting. [oh, shit, my seat's wet!]

            [sit back down and enjoy it]

            Now all I want to know is how to go.

            I've tasted {come} and I want more. [less]

Magenta and Columbia:  More, [less] more, [less] more

Janet:      I'll put up no resistance [i bet you won't...]

            I want to {suck your} distance

            I've got an {itchy snatch}

            I need assistance.

            {fucka fucka fucka fuck me}

            {i wanna get HIV}

            {eat me, beat me, mistreat me}

            {cream between my thighs}

            [looks like a taco, smells like tuna fish, snaps like a turtle,

            this looks like a good place for a stick up or a stick in,

            somebody pass the tartar sauce please!] (all in 1 breath)

            Then if anything grows [and it will], while you pose,

            I'll oil you up and rub you down. [up]

Magenta and Columbia:  Down, [up]  down, [up]  down.

Janet:      And that's just one small fraction [1/69] of the main {erection}

            You need a friendly hand [take two!] and I need action.

            [hey, frank don't got these!]

Janet:      Toucha toucha toucha touch me I want to be dirty

            Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me

            Creature of the night.

Columbia:   Toucha toucha toucha touch me

Magenta:    I want to be dirty.

Columbia:   Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me,

Magenta:    Creature of the night.

            [it's a lesbian blow job!]

            [it's a Ted Turner orgasm!]

Janet:      Toucha toucha toucha touch me I want to be dirty

            Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me.

            Creature of the night.

Rocky:      Creature of the night  [next]

Brad:       Creature of the night? [next]

Frank:      Creature of the night. [next]

Magenta:    Creature of the night. [next]

Riff Raff:  Creature of the night. [next]

Columbia:   Creature of the night. [next]

Rocky:      Creature of the night. [no fair!  rocky got seconds!]

Janet:      Creature of the night.

            (scene change, Riff being whipped)

            [hit him!] [hit him again!] [hit him harder!]

Riff Raff:  Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

            [now say 'thank you' in french]

            Merrrrrcy! [beaucoup] (being whipped by Frank)

            [thank you, sir, may i have another? (repeat for each whipping)]

Frank:      How did it happen? [beats me]  I understood you were to be


Riff Raff:  I was only away for a minute [doing what?]...master [-bating]

            [hey, frank, show us your forehand.]

Frank:      Well, see if you can find him on the monitor.

            [that's not let's see your backhand.]

            [needs work]

            [it's mary poppins taking a shit in the rain]

         OR [it's R2D2 in drag]

Riff Raff:  Master, master...we have a visitor.

            [what does captain kirk say when he wants a blow job from his

            chief engineer?]

Brad:       Hey, Scotty! [suck my cockie]  Dr. Everett Scott. [suck my cock]

Riff Raff:  You know this earthling? [foreshadowing] ...this person?

Brad:       I most certainly do.  He happens to be an old friend of mine.


Frank:      I see. ['K']  So this wasn't simply a chance meeting. [no, it

            was a date] You came here {on a porpoise}. [leave Flipper out of


         OR [my dolphin was in the shop]

Brad:       I told you, my car broke down.  I was telling the truth.

Frank:      I know what you told me, Brad [ow, quit it]...but this Dr.

            Everett Scott, his name is not unknown to me. [it's written on

            the bathroom walls]

Brad:       He was a science teacher at Denton High School. [it's written on

            the high school bathroom walls]

            [ow, quit it (every time brad is prodded with the whip)]

Frank:      And now he works for your government, doesn't he, Brad? he's

            attached [if he's attached, why do we care?] to the bureau of

            investigation of that which you call UFO's  [unfuckable objects]

            [no such thing] Isn't that right, Brad?

Brad:       He might be...I don't know.

Riff Raff:  The intruder is entering the building, master. [lucky building]

            [lucky intruder]

Frank:      He'll probably be {studying the art of motorcycle mainenence}

            in the Zen room. [zen go get him!]

            [my house doesn't have roaches like these...don't call Orkin, i'll

            take care of this]

            Shall we inquire of him in {the National Enquirer}?

            [oh, no!  not the triple contact electromagnet with optional leg

            lift] [one year at georgia tech!  two years at georgia tech!

            three years at georgia tech!]

            [go speed racer, go speed racer, go speed racer gooooo!]


            [ring around the lesbians]

            [i fucking hate tourists]

            [i'm hot and i'm thirsty...Hey, Kool-Aid!]

Brad:       Great Scott!



Dr. Scott:  Frankenfurter, [Count Chocula] we meet at last. [no, we meet at


Brad:       Dr. Scott! [suck my cock]

Dr. Scott:  Brad! What are you doing here? [giving good head]

Frank:      Don't play games, Dr. Scott [we already did that].

            You know perfectly well what Brad Majors is doing here.

            [he's giving good head] It was part of your plan, was it not? [not]

            That he and his {she}male should check the layout for you.

            [or check out the lays or lay the checkouts] well,

            unfortunately for you all, {brad's underwear} are to be changed.

            [who died and made you director?] [Roddenberry] I'm

            adaptable, Dr. Scott; [are you circumcised?] I know Brad is.

            [suck and tell]

Dr. Scott:  I can assure you that Brad's presence here comes as a complete

            surprise to me. [brad's coming is ALWAYS a surprise]  I came here

            to find Eddie. [dinner!?]

Brad:       Eddie!  I've seen him!

Frank:      Eddie!  What do you know of Eddie, Dr. Scott?

            [get snotty scotty]

Dr. Scott:  I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things.

            [do you know how to walk?] You see

            Eddie happens to be my {niece, persephone}.

               (Frank gasps)

Brad:       Dr. Scott.

Janet:      Ah!

            [oh, shit, she fucked it up now.]

            [mousekateer roll call, sound off]

Dr. Scott:  Janet!

Janet:      Dr. Scott!

Brad:       Janet!

Janet:      Brad!

Frank:      Rocky!


               (Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)

Dr. Scott:  Janet!

Janet:      Dr. Scott!

Brad:       Janet!

Janet:      Brad!

Frank:      Rocky!


               (Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)

Dr. Scott:  Janet!

Janet:      Dr. Scott!

Brad:       Janet!

Janet:      Brad!

Frank:      Rocky!


            [all present and accounted for sir, except for fritz]

         OR [all present and accounted for sir, except for frankie and

            annette who are out on the beach fucking, sir]

               (Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)

Frank:      Listen...I made you...and I can break you just as easily.

                (to Rocky)

            [how does this movie rate on the gong show?]

Magenta:    (GONG) [say something southern...] Master, dinner is prepared!

            [and ah prepahad it]

            [what does come taste like?]

Frank:      {egg salad}. [egg salad??]  Under the circumstances, formal dress

            is to be optional. [toga! toga! toga!]

            [stop giving that glass a rim job and stick your finger in]

            [it's not gonna come, just sweat a little]

Narrator:   Food has always played a vital role in Life's rituals.

            The breaking of the bread, the last meal [did your neck get a

            last meal?] [his neck WAS the last meal] of the condemned man,

            and now this meal. [the last supper] [ok virgins, count dr.

            scott's forks.  he's got 8 including the one up his ass]

            However informal it might

            appear, you can be sure that there was to be very little,

            bonhommie. [bono-who?]

            [if that's the hostess, i'd hate to see the twinkie]

            [they're both cream filled]

     (Dinner is served, the clatter of dishes is heard)

            [monday we had steam for dinner, tuesday we had steam, wednesday

            we had steam, thursday we had steam, what's for dinner tonight,


            (Riff opens the lid)

            [shit, steam again] [no, it's london fog]

            (The dinner is shown)

            [eddie, get your ass off the table] [it's ET's head]

            [here, master, use my vibrator.  it sliced, dices, circumcises,

            makes mounds and mounds of julianne fries, and boy can it catch


            [go go gadget vibrator]

            [transvestites, start your engines]

            (Frank slices it with the slicer)

            (Riff and Magenta pour the wine)

            [check rocky's ID, he's only 2 hours old!]

            [aw, man, i could'a had a V-8]

            [oh, shit, i could'a BEEN a V-8]

            [dr. scott, what kind of wine is that?]

            [it's table whine]

            [all sliced up with noone to blow]

            [what's burned bread with a hard on?]

Frank:      A toast absent friends...

All:        To absent friends. [may they fucking stay absent]

            [my balls are hard...]

Frank:      and Rocky.

            [look!  it's a gay unicorn]

            [(custom response from whoever's playing Frank that night...)]

            [can we finish the song tonight, please?]

            (singing w/ Janet, et al)

            Happy Birthday to you

            Happy Birthday to you

            Happy Birthday dear Rocky... (stops, Janet finishing last)

            [happy birthday, fuck you!]

            Shall we?

            [boy, Riff sure knows how to sling his meat]

            [well, Riff's always been well slung]

            [it's the richard o'brian deal-a-meal]

            [rocky must be a georgia tech grad.  everyone knows georgia men

            suck their meat]

            [4 years at georgia tech, stab meat with fork UGH!]

            [do you speak french?]

Dr. Scott:  We came here to {digest} Eddie.

Columbia:   Eddie. (Frank threatens her with the slicer)

            [shut up, bitch, or you'll be breakfast]

Frank:      That's a rather tender subject. [that's a rather sick joke]

            [brad gets it, janet gets it, dr. scott gets it, rockyyyy

            gets it but he'll eat anybody]

         OR [...rockyyyy takes it up the ass, doo-dah doo-dah]

            Another slice anyone?

Columbia:   Excuse me

            [oh, what's the matter?  you've eaten eddie before]

            [but that was tube steak, not cube steak]

            [did we fix the elevator?]

            (Scream on exit)

            [guess not...]

            [what?  an orgasm without grey poupon?]

Dr. Scott:  I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was worse than I


            1[who the fuck is he talking to?]

            2[who the fuck are YOU talking to?]

Rocky:      Ugh?

Brad:       Doctor Scott!

Frank:      Go on, Dr. Scott.[or as ve say in ze old country...]

            Or should I say Dr. Von Scott. [sieg heil]

Brad:       Just what exactly are you implying?

            [that he's a nazi!]

Dr. Scott:  It's all right!

Brad:       Doctor Scott!

Scott:      It's all right, Brad.

            EDDIE'S TEDDY

            [how long was he gay?]  [about six inches...]

            From the day he was born [not the night, but the day]

            He was trouble. [not monopoly, but trouble]

            He was the thorn [not the rose, but the thorn]

            In his mother's side. [not the back, but the side]

            She tried {cocaine}. [in the artery, in the vein, she was a

            fucking mess]

Narrator:   ...but he never caused her nothing

            but shame. [shame, shame, shame]

Scott:      He left home the day she died.

            From the day she was gone [they got, they got fucked]

            All he wanted [they got, they got fucked]

            Was Rock 'n' Roll porn [they got, they got fucked]

            And a motorbike. [ooooweeeeoooo]

            Shooting up junk... [they got, they got fucked]

Narrator:   He was a low down cheap little punk! [yay, punk rock!]

Scott:      Taking everyone for a ride.

All:        When Eddie said {he circumcised his teddy}

            You knew he was a {jewish} kid.

            But when he threatened your {thighs} with a {dick this size}

Frank:      What a {fag}!

Janet:      Makes you {gag}.

Scott:      Und I did.


Columbia:   Everybody {sucked} him.

            I very nearly {fucked} him.

            I said, hey, {stick it} to me;

            Stay {hard inside my cavity}!

            But he {pulled it out and came all over me}.

Scott:      But he must have been drawn [with crayola crayons]

            Into something, [what the fuck is a 'somezing?] [it's notzing]

            Making him warn [not you but...]

            Me in a note which reads...

All:        What's it say?  What's it say?

Eddie's voice: I'm out of my hed. [spelled H E D] OR [spelled the gatech way]

            Oh, hurry, or I may be dead. [spelled right]

            They mustn't {fill me with their evil seed}.   (scream)

All:        When Eddie said he {wouldn't wear his teddy}

            You knew he {wasn't good in bed}.

            But when he threatened your {thighs} with a {dick this size}

Frank:      What a {fag}!

Janet:      Makes you {gag}.

Scott:      Und I did.

All:        When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy

            You knew he was a no-good kid.

            But when he threatened your life with a {ball point pen?}

            [must've been a penknife]

Frank:      What a guy!

            [what does santa claus say when he wants a blow job?]

Others:     Oh, Oh, Oh...

Janet:      Makes you cry.

            [what does fat albert say when he wants a blow job?]

Others:     Hey, hey, hey.

            [who farted?]

Scott:      Und I did. [what the fuck is an 'unt'?] [it's 3 quarters of a

            cunt without a 'C' and seeing is believing]

            [I HATE CELERY!!]

            [but i love magic tricks...]

            (All scream)

            [it's the phantom of the opera!]

         OR [y'know, some parts of this movie are just dead]

            [slap that bitch! slap that bitch! etc...]

Frank:      Rocky!  How could you? (slaps Janet)

            [don't forget the cripple]

            [back, no the other way, no back that way, no over here...etc]

           (general mayhem as Frank chases Janet.  Riff and Magenta laugh, until

            Riff suddenly says "Shut up!")

            WISE UP

            I'll tell you once;  I won't tell you twice.

            You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss.

            Your apple pie don't taste too nice.

            You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss.

            [kick him!]

            [look!  brad finally gets it up!]

            I've laid the seed; it should be all you need.

            You're as sensual as a pencil, wound up like an E or first string.

            When we made it, didja hear a bell ring?

            Ya gotta block?  Well, take my advice.

            You better wise up, Janet Weiss.

            The transducer will seduce ya.

Janet:      {my shoes!  i can't move my white shoes}!

Scott:      My wheels!  My God, I can't move my {moustache}!

Brad:       {my socks!  i can't move my socks}!

Frank:      You are! [nyah nyah nyah-nyah nyah]  So quake with fear,

            you {tight assed} fools!

Janet:      We're trapped! [in a bad movie!]

Frank:      (sung)  It's something you'll get used to.  A mental mind fuck

            can be nice.

            [one, two, three, four, next time use the fucking door]

Scott:      You won't find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine.

            This sonic transducer. it is, I suppose, some kind of audio-vibrato-

            physio-molecular transport device?

Brad:       You mean... [a vibrator!]

Scott:      Yes, Brad, it's something we ourselves have been working on

            [a working vibrator]

            for quite some time.  But it seems our friend [a friendly

            working vibrator] here has found a means of perfecting it.

            [a perfect friendly working vibrator]

            A device which is capable of breaking [a demolition perfect

            friendly working vibrator] down solid matter and

            then projecting it through space and, who knows,

            perhaps even time itself.

            [vibrators in spaaaaace]

Janet:      You mean he's going to send us to another planet?  [HA!]

Frank:      Planet, shmanet, Janet! [goddammit]

            [hey, frank, what do you do when you run out of toilet paper?]

            You better wise up, Janet Weiss.

            You better wise up, build your thighs up,

            You better wise up

Narrator:   And then she cried out... [for...]

Janet:      {More}!

            [oh shit, my armpit fell out again]

Frank:      Don't get hot and flustered!

            [what's a good sexual lubricant?]

            Use {KY with} mustard.

Brad:       You're a hot dog, [up the] but you better not try to {fist fuck}

            her, Frank Furter.

            (Freeze - Brad)

Scott:      You're a hot dog, [up the] but you better not try to {finger fuck}

            her, Frank Furter.

            (Freeze - Scott)

Janet:      You're a hot dog --

            [shut up, bitch, you cannot make it rhyme!]

            (Freeze - Janet)

            [who's Tim Curry?]

         OR [who's (whoever you feel like mentioning)]

Columbia:   My God! [mine, too]  I can't stand any more of this!

            [bitch bitch bitch, nag nag nag, first you wanted a dog so we

            got you a puppy.  then you wanted a baby so we got you pregnant.

            now just because the dog ate the baby, you want to send the dog

            back.  bitch bitch bitch, nag nag nag]

            First you spurn me for Eddie, and then you throw him off like an

            old overcoat for Rocky! You chew people up and then you spit them

            out again. I loved you.. d'you hear me!  I loved you!

            And what did it get me?  Yeah, I'll tell you: a big nothing.

            [at least it was a BIG nothing]

            You're like a sponge.  You take, take, take, and

            drain others of their love and emotion.  Yeah, well, I've had

            enough. [peek-a-boo!]  You're gonna choose between me

            and Rocky, so named because of the

            rocks in his head. [oh shit, what a bitch, quick magenta flip

            the switch] (freeze)

            [hefty lefty, slighty righty, we know which side eddie slept on]

            [columbia's a size 32 A.D.]

Frank:      It's not easy having a good time... [try 6-flags on acid]

            (freeze Rocky) [that's one way to keep rocky hard...]

            1[what a great party...everybody got stoned]

            2[what a cheap party...everybody got plastered]

            ...even smiling makes my face ache [your face makes my face ache]

            [go cry to your favorite red wall]

            ...and my children turn on me [don't you mean your children turn

            you on?]

            ...Rocky's behaving just the way Eddie did

            [show us the only part of your body that hasn't been fucked in

            this movie...eargasm]

            Do you think I made a mistake, [yes] splitting his {balls}

            between the two of them?

Magenta:    Ahhhh!  I grow veary of this {accent}!  Vhen shall ve return

            to Transylvania, huh?

            1[where the fuck is 'transylvania huh'?]

            2[right next to 'transsexual ugh']

Frank:      Magenta, I am indeed grateful to both you and your brother

            [she's going...she's goooing...she's gooooooing...she's gone]

            Riff Raff.  You have both served me well.  Loyalty such as yours

            shall not go unrewarded.  You will discover that when the mood

            takes me [take me!  take me!], I can be quite {genderless}.

Magenta:    I ask for nothing...nothing. [should have asked for a big nothing]

Frank:      And you shall receive it [where?] {the buttocks}!

            [fee, fi, foe, fum, first i jack off, then i...]

            Come, we are ready for the floor show! [yay floor show!]

            [quick, check the floor.  magenta's eyes fell out again]

            [elbow quickie, elbow quickie]

            [hey, if they do this over dr. scott, isn't that statutory rape?]

            [only if they touch the finger.  besides, the handicapped are

            always getting fucked over]

            [there's a little black spot on my arm today, it's the same black

            spot as yesterday]

            [first one to the top gets to be on top]

            [look at magenta run]

            [she always runs, the sores never heal]

            [quit making those farting noises with your hands]

            1[why has he got vents on his desk?]

            2[he likes a good steady blow]

Narrator:   And so, by some extraordinary co-incidence, fate, it seemed,

            had decided that Brad and Janet should keep that appointment

            with their friend, Dr. Everett Scott.  But it was to be in a

            situation which none of them could have possibly forseen.

            And, just a few hours after announcing their engagement,

            Brad and Janet had both tasted [Frank's cock]

            ...forbidden fruit [same thing].  This in itself was proof

            [120 proof]

            that their host was a man of of little morals [yay little morals]

            ...and some persuasion. [gay persuasion]  What

            further indignities [yay indignities] were they to be subjected to?

            And what of the floor show [what OF the floor show??]

            that is spoken of?

            [where do you masturbate?]

            In an empty house?

            [when do you masturbate?]

            In the middle of the night?

            [rates are cheaper]

            1[who charges for masturbation??]

            2[the same idiot who charges for air at the gas station]

            What diabolical plan had seized Frank's crazed imagination?

            [the same diabolical plan that seized your fucking neck]

            [what indeed?]

            What indeed?

            [i asked you first]

            [uncle chuckie, are we gonna have an orgy or a picnic?]

            From what had gone before, it was clear that this was to be

            no picnic. [YAY!]

            A. FLOOR SHOW part I

            ROSE TINT MY WORLD

            [ladies and gentlemen, for one night and one night only, the

            Georgia Satellites]

            [this is what happens when you don't swallow]

            [it's Gene Simmons on acid]

            (Frank is running around making preparations while the others are

             frozen on the stage.)

            [ladies and gentlemen, your favorite superhero...samurai electrician]

            (unfreeze Columbia)

            [how was the orgy?]

         OR [how was this movie?]

Columbia:   It was great when it all began.

            I was a regular Frankie fan.

            But it was over when he had the plan

            To start a-working on a muscle man.

            Now the only thing that gives me hope [is smokin' dope]

            Is my love of a certain dope. [same thing]

            [there goes the PG rating...]

            Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

            (Unfreeze - Rocky)

            [how old are you?]

Rocky:      I'm just seven hours old, [and can't dance]

            And truly beautiful to behold. [modest, too] [still can't dance]

            And somebody should be told [that you can't sing?]

            My libido hasn't been controlled.

            Now the only thing I've come to trust [is janet's bust]

            Is an orgasmic rush of lust. [same thing] [ride 'em cowboy]

            Rose tints my world and keeps me safe {while i polish my balls}.

            (Unfreeze - Brad)

            [what do you think of 3rd grade math?]

Brad:       It's beyond me; help me Mommy!

            [how are you in bed?]

            I'll be good; you'll see.

            Take this {thing} away.

            What's this?  [the floor] Let's see, [it's STILL the floor]

            {i've got epilepsy}!

            What's come over me? [frank]  [look, it's the Joker]

            Wo!  Here it comes again.

            (unfreeze - Janet)

            [how do you feel?]

Janet:      I feel released; bad times {diseased}.

            My {cunt size} has [been] increased; reality is here.

            The game has been disbanded; my {twat} has been expanded.

            It's a gas that Frankie's landed! [fall into the gap]

            ['X' marks the spot]

            His lust is so sincere.

            [hey, janet, kiss my ass]

            FLOOR SHOW part II

            (Fanfare and RKO logo appears)

            [ladies and gentlemen, for one night and one night only, the

            first transvestite on the moon]

            1[what's a radio picture?]

            2[a picture of a radio]

            1[what's an 'RKO'?]

            2[a Really Kinky Orgy]

            DON'T DREAM IT

            [ladies and gentlemen, his majesty, the queen]

            [what is the $69,000 question?]

Frank:      Whatever happened [to (pick somebody)] to Fay Wray?

            [she got covered in ape shit]

            That delicate, satin-draped frame?

            [bullshit, it was polyester.  i know my fabrics]

            As it clung to her thigh

            [what?  the ape shit/polyester?]

            How I started [to laugh?] to cry

            [you'd cry too if you were covered in ape shit/polyester]

            'cause I wanted to be dressed [like a chicken/duck?]

            just the same. [but you ARE]

            [don't kick it, don't kick it, don't kick it...OW!]

            [look! even the stage gets a hard on]

            [but it can't keep it]

            1[has anybody seen my cat, Fluffy?]

            2[what's he look like?]

            1[well, he's long, skinny, black, furry, has about 9 tails and

            fifteen legs...anybody seen him?  Fluffy?  Fluffy?]

            2[why don't you ask Frank?]

            1[Frank, have you seen...FLUFFY!  ACK!  poor fluffy...]

            Give yourself over to absolute pleasure.

            Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh.

            Erotic nightmares, beyond any measure

            And sensual daydreams to treasure forever.

            Can't you just see it?  Oh, oh, oh.

            [it's a scene from the Lost Boys]

            [quick, it's a cop, get rid of the smoke]

            [everybody blow!]

            [i said the ceiling, michealangelo, the CEILING!!]

            [now we know how michealangelo died:  he drowned]

            1[how does it feel to have god's finger up your ass?]

            2[heavenly and divine]

            1[Divine's dead]

            2[that's why it's heavenly]

            [did we strap the cameraman in?...guess not]

            [look!  frank went down with the titanic.  no, frank went down

            with the captain.  the captain went down with the ship.  the

            ship was filled with seamen.  the ship got sunk under.  besides,

            we all know that loose lips sink ships.  the titanic was a fairy


            Don't dream it, be it. (four times)

All:        Don't dream it, be it. (twelve times)

            [i smell tollhouse cookies...] [and they're burning]

            [last one in is a heterosexual]

            [it's a tie...they must be bi]

            [it's queerios.  just add water and they eat themselves]

            (Unfreeze - Scott.  In on sixth time)

            [use the force/shwartz]

Scott:      Ach [tung, baby]!  We've got to get [the fuck] out of this

            {wheelchair} [and into that pool!]

            before this decadence [yay decadence] saps our wills. [too late]

            I've got to be strong [like a good condom should], and try to

            [do my best richard nixon impression] hang on [like a good condom

            should], or else my mind may well snap [crackle pop] [like a

            good condom shouldn't] and my life

            will be lived [why do you fuck boy scouts?] ...for the {money}!

Brad:       It's beyond me; [what do you say when you masturbate?]

            help me Mommy!

            [shut him up, please]

Janet:      God bless Lilly St. Cyr.

            [hey, frank, how does janet taste?]

            FLOOR SHOW part III


            [who's line is it anyway?]

         OR [who's pool is this?]

         OR [who's movie is this?]

Frank:      My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my,!

            I'm a wild and an untamed thing.

            I'm a bee with a deadly sting.

            You get a hit and your mind goes ping.

            Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.

            So let the party and the sounds rock on.

            We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.

            Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

            [who're the Beatles?]

            [John, Paul, George, Ringo]

All:        We're a wild and an untamed thing.

            We're bees with a deadly sting.

            You get a hit and your mind goes ping.

            Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.

            So let the party and the sounds rock on.

            We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.

            Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

            [there's no place like home, there's no place like home...]

All:        We're a wild and an untamed thing.

            We're bees with a deadly sting.

            You get a hit and your mind goes ping.

            Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.

            So let the party and the sounds rock on.

            We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone, gone, gone.

            Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

            [unexpected plot twist]

Riff Raff:  Frank N Furter, it's all over.

            Your mission is a failure;

            Your {sex life}'s too extreme.

            I {just fucked my sister};

            You {can smell my finger}.

            We return to Transylvania.

            {magenta, start the car}.

            [hey, magenta, there's a lesbian in the parking lot]

            [what is a direct result of gravity?]

Frank:      Wait!  I can explain! [better make it good, it got you killed

            last week]

            [ok, you go fuck with the lights, and you go fuck with yourself,

            and i'll try to get my shit together...]

            [someone call batman!]

            I'M GOING HOME

            [ladies and gentlemen, for one night and one night only,

            alfalpha's shadow and richard pryor's dick singing 'i'm going


Frank:      On the day I went away...

All:        Goodbye... [(assorted howling)]

Frank:      Was all I had to say...

All:        Now I...

            [what do you say when you come a thousand times?]

Frank:      I want to come again [and again and again and again], and stay.

            [hard?  that's impossible]

All:        Oh, my, my...

            [what do you do after you come a thousand times?]

Frank:      Smile [no shit], and that will mean I may.

            'cause I've seen [brad naked], oh, blue skies

            [where'd that come from?] [the props dude]

            Through the tears in my eyes

            And I realize, [that you look like a panda]

         OR [after smoking a really big joint] {I'm fucking stoned}.

            [visine gets the red out but it doesn't do much for the

            blue or the green]

All:        I'm going home.

            (Magenta yawns)  [insensitive bitch]

            [frank, where have you been known to fuck hamsters?]

Frank:      Everywhere [how's it been?] it's been the same...

All:        ...feeling...

            [what's it like when you piss into a fan?]

         OR [what's it like when you stand under Pee-Wee Herman?]

Frank: I'm outside in the rain...

All:        ...wheeling...

            [how much do you charge for blow jobs for kids under twelve?]

Frank: [overpriced] to try and find a game...

            [games?  i love games.  what game do you play when you can't

            get it up?]

All:        ...dealing...

Frank: for sorrow, cards for pain. [deal me in!]

            'cause I've seen, [shock treatment!] oh, blue skies

            Through the tears in my eyes

            And I realize, I'm going home.

            [look!  it's Dear Abby!]

            [look!  it's gerald ford]

            [it's gerald ford after the operation]

            [it's betty ford after the sex change]

            [it's malcolm forbes]

            [it's queen elizabeth]

            [it's maralyn monroe]

            [and for one night and one night only...the NBC peacock/peacunt]

Frank & All: I'm going home. (3 times)

            (applause, then audience dissapears)

            [reality check] [it bounced] [reality money order]

Magenta:    How sentimental. [you bitch]

            [look, it's a tiffany concert..'i think we're alone now..']

            [no, it's a micheal jackson concert, they're all off beating it]

            [no, it's a milli vanilli concert, they'll dub in the audience


            [no, it's a ray charles concert, don't tell him]

            [no, it's a new kids concert after 7:30]

Riff Raff:  And also presumptuous of you. ['D'] You see ['K'], when I said WE

            [i was speaking french] were to return to Transylvania, I referred

            only to Magenta and myself.

            I'm sorry, however, if you found my words misleading, but ['TR']

            you see ['K'], you are to remain here, [in a body bag] in spirit,


            [what is that?]

Scott:      Great heavens!  That's a laser! [no, it's a vibrator for Charlie's


Riff Raff:  Yes, Dr. Scott.  A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure

            anti-matter. [does that mean it doesn't matter?]

Brad:       You're going to kill him? [yep] What's his crime?

            [he fucked you, didn't he??] [checked your asshole lately?]

Scott:      You saw what became of Eddie.  Society must be protected.

            [fuck society, one by one, starting right here]

Riff Raff:  Exactly, Dr. Scott.  And now, Frank N Furter, your time has

            come [or your come is time].  Say goodbye to all of this,

            [goodbye all of this]

            and hello [hello!] to oblivion.

            1[hi, oblivion, how's the wife and kids?  you still fucking that


            2[no, i'm fucking the boss]

            1[bad choice]

            [flutter of the eyes...twitch of the lips...first one to scream

            gets it in the tits...]

            (Columbia screams - gets zapped)

            [oh, shit!  he put the batteries in!]

            [frank, you went down on everybody in the movie.  now go down on

            the curtain]

            (Frank tries to escape by climbing the curtain)

            [NO!  UNDER the curtain!  UNDER!]

            (Frank screams - gets zapped, falls)

            [for all those concerned, he is NOT dead yet...]

            [can i have a black rope, please?]

         OR [can i see King Kong's pubic hair?]

            [he's at the 30..the 20..the 10..TOUCHDOWN!]

            [now he's dead]

            [don't lift that up, you'll let out the bad music]

            (Rocky moans over Frank's body - gets zap, zap, zap, zapped

            as he climbs the RKO set - falls to his death into the pool)

            [chest of steel!] [back of steel!] [shoulder of steel!]

            [and the less popular, but still vital to the theme of the

            movie...armpit of steel!]

            [get your hand off of my ass...and put it on my chest.]

            [it's my two favorite fairy tails]

         OR [it's the two best seats in the house]

            [oh, i'm a lumberjack and i'm ok, i sleep all night and i work

            all day...]


            [georgia tech ice hocky team, spring training]

Brad:       Good god! [WHERE??]

Janet:      Oh!  You killed them! [yup]

Magenta:    But I thought you liked them. [nope]  They liked you.

            [get paranoid, Riff]

Riff Raff:  They didn't like me! [get REAL paranoid, riff]  He never liked ME!

            [that's 'cause you've got a banana on your head and no head on

            your banana, that's why]

Scott:      You did right.

            [slowly i turn.  step by step.  inch by inch.  centimeter by

            centimeter.  millimeter by millimeter.]

Riff Raff:  A decision had to be made. [and you fucked it up]

Scott:      You're O.K. by me.  [na-noo na-noo...shazbot motherfucker]

Riff Raff:  Dr. Scott, I'm sorry about your [indigestion?] nephew. [same thing]

Scott:      Eddie? Yes, well, perhaps it was for the best, heh, heh, heh.

            [you got a free meal out of it, didn't you?]

Riff:       You should leave now, Dr. Scott, while it is still possible.

            We are about to beam the entire house back to the planet

            Transexual, [where's that?]

            in the galaxy of Transylvania. [zip code OICU812-6969]

            Go...  Now.

            [roll out your cripples, we'll have a wheelchair of fun]

            [chicken, underwater, clucking, on acid:  CUE!]

            [show me the cover of the next Nirvana album...]

            [it SMELLS like Nirvana...]

            Our mission is completed, my most [ugly Q-tip] beautiful sister,

            [if that's the beautiful one, i'd hate to see the ugly one]

            [i did and she was]

            and soon we shall return to the moon-drenched shores of our

            [moon drenched planet] beloved planet.

            [oh no!  she's gonna SING!]

            [go for the Oscar, bitch!]

            [and see how far you can stretch Riff Raff's invisible dick

            while you're at it.]

Magenta:    Sweet Transsexual.  Land of night.  To sing and dance once

            more to your dark refrain.  To take that [white shit out of

            your hair] step to the right.

            [ARG!  i HATE these flashbacks...]

Riff Raff:  But it's the pelvic thrust...

(Flashback):That really drives you insane

            [that scene wasn't in the movie]

            [now it is]

Magenta:    And our world will do the Time vorp again!

             (castle blasts off)

            [somewhere over the rainbow, castles fly...]

            [we have liftoff!  the tower has cleared the tower...]

            [stop the world, i wanna get off!]

            [get your hand off my cunt-ry]

 Narrator:  And crawling [where?] on the planet's face

            [what did you have for dinner?]

            Some insects [what were they called?] called the human race...

            Lost in time

            [what's your favorite TV show?]

            And lost in space

            [this movie lacks plot, continuity,...]

            And meaning.

            [say it again for the virgins...with angels]

All:        Meaning.

            [turn off the lights and turn on the world]